I could not finish my blogging yesterday and so I'm putting it up now. Today's entry to follow in a while...

I could not finish my lunch again today. Had to force everything down since I did not want to throw the food away like I did yesterday. I'm feeling so tired and drained, like I've not slept for days. But because of the blackout last night I actually slept earlier than I would otherwise have. Yet I woke up this morning feeling like I did not get any rest at all last night. I guess when the soul is tired and the heart is weary the body feels it too.

Two of my best friends are getting married by this year. I'm happy for them but feel so sorry for myself. I was supposed to be getting engaged too. And one of them was supposed to wait for me. :P I hereby declare that it is not only the men who are 'heavy colour light friends'. The gals are like that too!

I put on a bit of meat around the waist. The skirts aren't dropping that badly now. However, the appetite was gone today. Didn't feel like eating anymore. Felt sick. Not in the mood to eat.

I think now the wiser thing for me to do is to go on with life before the email. Just continue with what I was doing and what I wanted to do. Pretend I never saw that.

The head feels a little heavy. The heart feels a little numb. The eyes see but do not comprehend. The ears hear but do not understand.


Will the sun shine on my sadness,
And vapourize it into the air?
Will the rain beat down on my pain,
And carry it into the seas?
Will the winds rush around my soul,
And scatter it over the mountains?

Can my love be dulled,
By the passing of time?

The birds still sing
The stars still shine
The waves still rush to shore.

And I, still am

I want to wait. But what am I waiting for? Waiting to be hurt all over again? Waiting to be told to go away again? Waiting for the tears and aches to start again? What does HE mean when HE said HE wanted to wait till HE was more settled down in life before looking me up? What did HE want then? To tell me HE is now ready to go on with me? OR to tell me one more time that HE is breaking up with me?

Does it mean if I were to appear in front of HIM now and tell HIM I don't care about anything else other than being with HIM, HE will finally break down and accept me again? That HIS pride and ego will finally be swept aside and HE can see that we can still be together? If only HE wanted to.

Then again, why should I put myself through all this pain once more? Why should I give HIM another chance to run me down like dirt? D thinks HE still loves me. I don't want to think about that. It's hard enough as it is. I don't want to go through my days thinking that HE still loves me but does not want to be with me. Worse, I might start conjuring up pictures of us being together again. That will be very painful when I fall.

This is my story. I am the lead in this story. It may not be the greatest love story or drama that ever happened, but it's my story. I think I can indulge in theatrics and drama as I want.

One look. One smile. One kiss. One touch. One hug. One word. One man.

One tear. One heartache.

One vow. One love. One life.

Why can't the men ever understand that if a woman really loves you, it is not about how much money you have in your pocket, or what fancy wheels you own. It is not about the fancy brands you wear or the fine dining you go for. It is not about how sharp your nose is or how big your eyes are. It is about you. Who you are and what you mean to her. She will willingly tolerate everything else that is less than perfect. Your obsessions with anything that moves, whether round or cold metal, your late nights drinking with friends, your childish tempers and tantrums. Your carelessness with thoughts and dates.

All she ask in return is that you will love her wholeheartedly. Always. No matter what the circumstances. If she has to wear the same clothes from last season she will. If she has to be happy with a MacDonald's value meal she will. If it means she has to make do with a gift from Carrefour she will.

A woman will wait forever for the man she loves. Whether or not it is worth the waiting. No matter what the people around her says. Even when a better man stands waiting. Even when a whole new life lies ahead of her.

I am that woman.

If HE wants to wait till HE has established HIMSELF before coming back then I'll be there waiting when HE appears on the horizon.

Dinner with the girls did not go as I had hoped. I wanted to really spend some time with them, doing things we've never done before: sleepovers, chatting into the night, just bonding. Guess we're really not the types to do these things. Sigh. I thought it'd be a chance for us to know each other deeper and a chance for us to talk after all our busy schedules and all. Oh well. I tried.

Met a really cute bartender last night. My friend somehow got the name for me. Haha... He looks a little like Daniel Wu, that ABC HK actor. Mmm... Told me to look for him next time. Whatever for? Free drinks? Then maybe.

Saw someone else at the club too. Someone I'm not too keen to see. My previous boss from the events company who made life so miserable for me. In a way, my life went really shitty after I went working for him last year. Yes, I'm blaming him for my break-up. The late nights he made me work did contribute somewhat to the tensions between HE and I. Lame excuse? Perhaps. Maybe I'm just looking for ways to add to the bastard's list of gross acts of inhumanity. HA.

Homefront's not rosy either. They nag when I come home late. But when I stay home they talk nasty to me also. Always so biting and sacarstic with their words. Do they want me to stay in or out? I hate this. Nothing I do ever measures up. It's always like that, can't remember a time when life isn't like so. So what am I to do?

I'm trying to like my life. I'm trying to like me. I don't like me. I hate life. I hate living.

It's been a really hectic week.

Ah Ma was admitted to hospital. For dehydration and malnutrition. Elderly abuse by her own son. Useless pair of husband and wife who've gone beyond plain laziness to obvious neglect of the old lady. How is it possible that a housewife is not able to provide two decent meals a day for an old lady to the point that she developed stomach ulcers in her old age? God is watching you dears. So are your children.

I'm in the Toa Payoh office now, my office, sitting at my new desk, typing on my brand new computer and looking at my brand new all-in-one officejet from HP. HA. But it's not linked up to the network yet! And the computer does not have any of the office programmes! So I cannot do work here yet, haha... Well, my assistant will be coming in next Thursday. It's a coursemate from long ago, and the funny thing is we did not even talk to each other then, being in different classes. It just so happened that we bumped into each other about a month back on the NEL and we exchanged contacts; For formality sakes??? Haha. Anyway, it does seem we may get along ok after all these times. We'll see.

I'm kind of rambling here because I'm not quite sure what to say still and just what the matter is wrong with me. Suddenly this past week, there is such a strong wave of sadness and longing for HIM. I still miss him, although I'm trying very hard not to think of HIM and what HE is doing now and how is HE. I don't know why out of the blue I am all blue again. Anyway I've decided I should just stop trying so hard to forget HIM or to let go of things. I did try very hard but I'm still back at square one now. What's the point? I surrendered and submitted all to God but I was still hurting bad and lost and bewildered. I did not get any comfort or reprieve at all. So? Is anyone thnking that it's because I did not totally and truly committed all to God? Only God knows if I have, no one else can tell. But I have closed the door on God now. So no point talking about that.

And for all of you who are curious, concerned, whatever... I've decided not to do anything about the trainer fellow yet, until I get a clearer picture of what is going on with him, me and us. I could pretend to live in oblivious bliss in the past when I just close one eye and not think about what HE does in the gym with his members and simply place 100% blind trust and faith in HIM and I was happy. But now that I'm hanging around a gym too and I can see for myself how some of the trainers interact with their members... ok more specifically how he is interacting with other girls, I know I might get sqiurmish about it. This is because 'once bitten, twice shy'. I hate to become all paranoid and possessive, and I know I'm a very likely candidate for that. I hate to become insecure and self-doubting also. But it's really hard for me to be certain of myself when I cannot get any sort of assurances from the other person. What am I banking on for my confidences then? That, is my reason for the wait-and-see game. I do not like or believe in using dynamites to fish.

As for the strain between me and God, only I and God can work that out. Frankly, I'm not too hot to deal with it right now. The irony is, sometimes at night or when I feel small, I still call out to God subconsciously... old habits die hard? Whatever. I do feel corny when that happens and definitely feel like a big hypocrite.

I'm at a point where I do not know what to say. My mind is a complete blank. I no longer do things according to who I am, what I want to achieve and what I know. I just do whatever I feel like doing at the moment. Even if it means that I am acting out of the ordinary, out of what friends and family know me to be.

For the moment, I am done with thinking and planning. I will just do whatever I want to do at the moment, even if I will regret it later or know better. Whatever the consequences. Dangerous point of my life? Yea, I think so too.

I'm STONED.

Anyone who drinks will know. One Lambhorgini, one Waterfall and a pair of Graveyard. I only took three mouthfuls of Graveyard and I feel out...

Haha.

Poor bro...

Thought-flash (as in newsflash):

I have believed and loved God almost all my life. From the time I can tell right from wrong and good from bad. It is not just because I grew up around God-loving people. It is also a very conscious desire to love and follow Him. I knew His goodness and mercy first-hand. Or do I?

No matter how bad things seemed and how low I felt in the past, I always believed that as long as my faith is in God and I waited patiently, rewards will come my way. In everything that went wrong I always tell myself that God has a purpose for putting me through this trial. I believed that the day will come when the meek shall inherit the earth.

But when is my turn to reap those rewards? I concede that I am not the role model for a Christian. I admit that there are many times and things that I could have done better. But I have always been on this side of the fence. I may not have always obeyed God faithfully but my heart is always after Him. Why is it then that I am now beginning to feel that I am better off going over to the other side? I look back and all I see is the hurt I was put through again and again; by my parents, by HIM... I feel so let down. Before I had to contend with my parents slighting of me, making light of it and turning to other things and people for solace and comfort. I had to seek another 'family' elsewhere. Everytime I work so hard for something, it still eludes me in the end. I pray hard and submit all to Him and I was asked to wait somemore. I found a person I can go to, who loved me and whom I loved and He takes HIM away from me. Why then, should I still continue serving Him? What will be my reward? Eternal life? I only want to be happy now. I cannot even fathom if I would be conscious when I pass through the gates, how do I continue believing that I will never cry again then?

Is this what I get for placing my faith in God? I never blamed Him for anything that happened. But I don't want to wait endlessly anymore. I don't want to be told to be patient and just trust. What am I trusting in?

If I die doing things my way, at least I know I can blame me.

Yes, I am in a great turmoil now. My heart and mind is at its most turbulent time yet. I just feel so tired and sick of everything.

There is a room, in a house set upon a hill, overlooking the town. A chair sits in the corner of the room, where a window is. A tall window that reaches up to the ceiling. It is covered with a heavy drapery. A curtain that does not let the sun through. A curtain that keeps the cries in. The room is bare except for a bed right in the middle of the floor. And that chair in the corner. A girl sits on the chair. Sometimes she will draw the curtain back just a little to peek out at the world outside and the town below. In her heart she longs to be out in the sun. To be with people. To be filled with laughter and joy. But an incomprehensible fear keeps her to the room. Fear of being in the sun. Fear of being happy. Fear of being hurt. Fear of what is out there. So she spends her days pacing round the room. Sometimes she cowers under the sheets on the bed. As if she can hide from the world, wishing she can just vaporise away.

Quarreled with a good friend today. Over the trainer and what I should do. I am upset. More with the way he spoke to me than with what he was saying about my predicament. I am not saying that I am not upset with what he had said either. But I am more hurt with his tone than with his words.

I shall not say anymore. It hurts to have a friend speak to you like that.

Yes, I am at a confused stage of my life again. I need to seriously think about things, alot of things. But push me and I will just throw my hands up and do the first thing that comes to mind. It's not a threat. It's a reaction.

Right now, frankly I am beginning to get turn off being a Christian. Yes. Don't push me further.

Ok, I'm ready to talk. I think.

Many things happened since I last blogged. And that was about three or four days ago. First of all, 'inconnectivity' hampered my blogging. Plus work has been really hectic the past week, with too much time wasted doing stupid stuff and being out of the office. Anyway, am not going to talk about work. It reminds me of the stupid woman and the stupid work she made me do. Got another meeting scheduled with her and her committee this coming Thursday. Hope I survive that...

The past week was really a mess. Work did not go as I had wanted. Progress was hindered. And I had thought I would only go down to the pub on Friday but I ended up going down everyday except for Monday. Sheesh. Too much. Not that I did not have a good time, I did (it helped me destress and let go of my work for that few hours!); but I think it's really too much to be down everyday, not just a toll on my sleep but also on my pocket. Haha, of course if I could solve the problem of having someone to pay for my drinks and rides home I would be more willing to be down. Any takers? Anyway, the sudden increased trips down were due mainly to the fact that a friend from out of town came by for a week and having no where to bring him in the nights that seemed just as good an idea as any other... Of course, I will not deny that I went down partly also because I was hoping to see the trainer there. Unfortunately, he was not down at all the whole week. Not even on Friday, which was the pub's founding group's anniversary celebration. I'll come to that later...

Thursday:
My brother's finally graduated from his training as a police cadet! He is now a sergeant and currently awaiting his posting to the division. Thursday was the night of his graduation dinner and I attended with my parents and grandmother. I think my father was trying to play it cool but you can see the pride oozing out of all his pores. Well, at least he did not rub it in in front of me or I would have said something spiteful. Haha. It's just so unfair how he is always so critical and unkind with all of my work and achievements. And he is always finding new ways to put me down and just crush my spirit. It really hurts me how it seems that no matter what I do I'll never measure up to his expectations and satisfactions. Anyway, I'm very happy for my brother and I am proud of him too. I thank God that he is doing so well and so outstanding in his squad. This is such a far cry from the little boy who used to cry at every littlest thing. Haha. He grew up well. And such a charming ladies' man too... Kekeke. After the dinner I went down with him and his friend to the club to meet my friend. Some things happened there which made all of us wonder: 'what the %$^"?' Simply put, some guy did something funny in front of us and we were left wondering his intentions. Duh.

Friday:
You can imagine the crowd. People everywhere. Amazingly, we managed to find a cocktail table and later a comfortable sofa seat inside. An old friend came down and he bought the drinks for that night. Ended up drinking more than I would have any time. Came to a point when the performers were dancing on the bartop and my foreigner friend and I decided that we would dance on our table top too. Haha, it's just a coffee table... and we were in a corner, so I don't think we attracted to much attention. There, at least I've danced on a table top in a pub before. Not such a prude anymore huh? Haha. Anyway, I was talking to this old friend and telling him about the trainer and how I am feeling and what I am thinking I should or should not do. His words to me were that if I think I am ready and really want an answer then I should just do whatever I want to.

To give a clearer picture of the situation I'll sidetrack a little: You see, being a Christian and not puts the issue in different perspectives. My Christian friends tell me I should wait and leave everything in God's time and will. Non-Christian friends all tell me the same thing: Do what you want, when you want, if you are ready (emotionally, mentally). Of course, there are also people who think that this guy is not worth the trouble and agony, and certainly not worth the hurt if things go wrong. This I agree totally and therefore regarding this issue, I honestly have no expectations and deep desire. I have not put all my emotions in yet. In this way, if things really do not happen as I would have liked it too, then the hurt and disappointment will not be that great either. Of course, being a Christian myself, I know that I am to surrender all to God and await His decision patiently. However, being only human and an impatient one at that, I find it really agonising to be just hanging around waiting for something, anything to happen.

In the end on Friday night, I texted the trainer and asked him if he was around. When he said no I asked if I could meet him the next day and he said ok. The problem was I could not remember exactly what I wrote as I was kind of tipsy by then. Needless to say I felt really stupid the next morning and wished I hadn't done that the night before. But I cannot take back my words right? Hiaz... Remember I had said that if I saw him I would say things out right and be done with it? As I had not seen him the whole week and it was beginning to bug me, therefore I thought 'why not just meet him and thrash things out?' Ha... ha... ha...

Saturday
I really could not figure out how and what to say to him yet. So I spent the whole day wondering and waiting. Wondering how I should speak to him and if I should go ahead with meeting him. Waiting for him to tell me what time he can meet and kind of dreading it at the same time. Funny contradictory emotions.

Confession time: on Friday afternoon, I went down to Orchard with my friend S for a movie and I got a call. From California Fitness; again offering me another two-weeks pass to the gym. Hahaha. Ok what happened was I played this online jack-pot game where one of the top prizes was a year's membership to the gym. Honestly, I did not think I would win or be picked, much less be given the pass twice! Of course, playing it in the first place was trying to win that membership. Do I really have to say why? Duh...

Anyway, in the end I went down to pick up the pass with my brother and we were both persuaded to sign up for a year. He was of course persuaded by other reasons although he claimed that it was to accompany me and it was time I started exercising.

On Saturday afternoon I got a message from the trainer and he asked in surprise if I had really signed up. I told him ya but did not mention that I joined with my brother. He of course wanted to know why I changed my mind about joining. I told him it was because I did not get to see him at the pub and he was not calling me up and the only way for me to see him was to join the gym. He told me bullshit. Haha. Some of you might be thinking 'here she goes blatantly flirting again'. But if I'm telling the truth it will not be flirting anymore right? Hee. He asked me if I still wanted him to train me and I told him I don't know. I don't know what he's thinking. His aloofness confuses me and makes me unsure. In the end, I did meet him for a while in the evening during his break. He was not free to meet me later. The thing was, I went down to town with my brother, the guy whose arms he saw me in before. My brother was with me when I went to meet him but then he went off on his own just before I went up to the trainer. The trainer recognised my brother from that night and asked if he was my boyfriend. I asked if he looked like one and he replied why not, although he seems young. When I said it was my brother, he refused to believe me. *shrug*

We spent most of the time staring on the floor and in the sky, not talking much. It's hard to start a conversation with him. He does not proffer much, very alike to HIM and it took me a very long time to get HIM to initiate talking to me. The trainer said something to me which made me wonder if it was directed at me or whatever. He told me he's a very passive person and always prefers others to initiate. Is he trying to tell me something? Anyway, before the conversation was over, I decided I would wait a while longer before I say anything as all of a sudden, I'm not too sure of his interest in me anymore. Maybe it's just his laid-back character or maybe he really was never interested or have lost interest over time. I guess I just want to be more certain of his feelings before I say anything. It's kind of like deja vu, because in a way I was also the one who went up to HIM and asked HIM if HE liked me and if HE wanted to be with me. I really do not want to go through all the same motions again because I'm really petrified that things will end up the same again. Then again, as I've said before I do not like hanging around waiting for the other shoe to drop. I do not mind going up to the guy and saying just what I feel, if I am really that keen on the person. I would really just want to have it over and done with.

During the night I sent him one last text and I told him that I had actually wanted to meet him because I had some things to say to him, but I'll hold my breath for the time being as I need to know more about what he is thinking first. In any case, I was not flirting or teasing him just now or before. He wanted to know what I want to know. (this was where I was glad I had not said anything yet as it does not seem he is interested, either that or he's really daft) Ha. I told him Time will tell.

So that was how I spent my week. Crazy right? I'm going crazy soon if I can't let go soon. In all meanings of the phrase.

Gal told me to forget it. Said he's really not worth the shit and in any case, the intrigue is gone and besides I can find someone better. That's what EVERYONE said after HE left.

Sigh, what makes a man better than the other? How do we judge? Money? Education? Social status? Family background? Character? Religion?

It's telling isn't it? The kind of men I'm drawn to.

Sigh....

Don't know what to say. Only know I am very tired. Let me sleep somemore then I talk. Wahahaha.

K. Settled.

Tada.

I'm stoned.

And sad.

And hurt.

By my parents.

Ok, I am stoned from last night, not from my parents. That helped muffle up some of the things they said to me. Unfair.

I am trying as it is. But then I remembered it is no point for me to try at all because the harder I try the worse things ALWAYS gets. So, I am giving up now. Really. Totally. Completely.

It does not matter anymore.

One day...

God never ceases to amaze me with the things He does. Just as I was feeling really low and wondering if my job is worth staying on for, despite everything else and all because of one woman, He sends encouragement and sustenance my way and gives me hope and reason to stay on and perservere. I do not need or want big commendation awards or recognition plaques. A simple 'thank you' and 'good job' or 'appreciate your work' is more than enough for me to bite the bullet and trudge on, even late into the nights.

This is no simpleton. She is really two-faced in the way she is manipulating me and everyone around but only I see that. Not because I'm very observant or discerning, but because she shows both sides to me, as if telling me that there is nothing I can do to challenge her and I can only just accept. The problem is, she thinks I'm the simpleton. When she spoke to me yesterday her tone was one of challenge. Subtle no doubt but you can almost smell the acrid air of schemes and plots. Sheesh. You should have counted the number of times my eyes rolled and I had to look the other way when everthing I have said to her before and she refuted, which she then said to the Chairman last night and then made it sound as if it came from her and that she totally supports me and whatever I am doing. Phew. The cheek of her. Blah. She was nitpicking on my proposal before the meeting started. Came especially early to try and unnerve me. But during the meeting, she just went on and on about how good a job I did for the proposal. Bah.

Can't stand her. Got to go pig out tonight to destress now. Haiz.

Thank God for Baocheng! (ooh, first guy I named on my blog!)

And thank God he was nice enough to come over before his trip. (hmm... should have asked him to buy supper over first too. Heh.) Otherwise I'll have withdrawal syndromes again. For being disconnected to the net. Haha...

Tongue pain. Ouch! Why ah? Cannot be heaty mah... Or that I drank too much... But I think I should drink less this week. Phew! I actually downed a bottle of stout last night. On a Monday night! Sheesh. Haha. Too much.

Super upset today with one of my superiors. Ask me to do stupid things, then tell me I was wasting her time when she was the one wasting mine by insisting I go do the stupid thing. In addition, she is such a scheming two-faced witch. Say one thing to me in my face and another when the Chairman is around. Pretending that she does not know she is harrassing me. If she does not get out of my face soon I'm really not sure how long more I can stay in this job. She's giving me stomach ulcers and gastric. Hmm... probably she is the cause of my swollen tongue. Tried to act supportive of me and my proposal today during the meeting, delegating me the 'important' work to do when in the end I will be doing ALL the work anyway, cleaning up her shit. ARGH!!! Shall not talk about her anymore. Nightmare later tonight.

Talk again tomorrow. Tired...

I want to thank my friends. All of you out there who have been looking out for me and watching my back. I know you were all there, one time or another, wondering what in the world is the next stupid or crazy thing I am going to to do next. Haha... I can see you all nodding your heads and smirking away. It's ok, go ahead and laugh in my face even if you want. I find the mental image funny too. Kekeke. Anyway the point I'm trying to make here is: I might have seem all lost and bewildered recently but really, I have given things alot of thought. It does not mean that I have always managed to figure things out or that I have accepted what life has thrown at me the last few months. There are times when I seemed to have walked out of the valley and everything before me appears so clear and sunny, and there are times when the sun went behind the clouds and shadows darken my path. On some days my entries may read like I have totally recovered and moved on totally. Yet the very next day the entry may be no different from the very first few I wrote.

Truly, these last few months have been a very rough roller-coaster ride for me and sometimes it feels like I forgot the safety harness and I might get flung out any moment. Whether it was an uphill climb or downhill rush, the core emotion behind it all was sadness. Sadness and a sense of loss. Not just loss of someone I loved. But also loss of my self. I tried very hard in the last couple of months to find back myself and also who I can be and want to be. I'm not saying I have found myself now. Nor am I saying that I have reached a point where I have 'arrived'. I am only saying that I am still at a discovery stage, still on a journey of exploration of what is possible for me to do and be. And I am saying that I am doing well. The moods still swing as and when they want but I'll be fine. I will not be beaten down again or see only bleakness ahead of me. So, just bear with me when I start 'swinging' ok? Haha.

Tada! Thanks everyone. In your own little way, spoken or otherwise, I have felt your concern and care and it has nourished and built me up in my darkest moments.

I'M DYING HERE! ANYBODY CARES?

HELLO??!!!

I'm feeling all woozy. *airy head*

And my stomach's churning. *puke*

My body feels so weak. Like I could float into the air anytime. Hmm... turning into Chang-E??? Hahaha...

Sigh. If I should pass into a coma or lose my consciousness i.e. my mind, please do not bother trying to help me regain my memory. If I appear to be happier than I am now, please just let me be. I am not, well I cannot be any unhappier than I am now anyway so it's alright too.

The only constant in life is its insistence in never staying the way it is, never allowing us to predict and plan how we want it to be. To live life to its fullest, we have to outsmart it and outplay it. Not unlike playing 'Survivor'. How many of us can win that million dollars? How many of us can be the last man standing? How many of us will be eliminated even before we know it? How will we accept our elimination?

*puke*

SICK.

Ramble ramble.....

Feeling really sick today. Head spinning. Think quite pale also. Couldn't sleep well last night. Think the movie I saw was too great an impact. Spent the whole night thinking about it, haha. No, it's not some RA show. Just a show called 'Day After Tomorrow'. Everyone should see it, for different reasons of their own. You'll know what the reasons are after you've seen it. The other show to catch will be 'Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind'. Thought-provoking show that one. Helped me straightened out some stuff in the head. Affirmed my belief that everything happens for a reason and that if it's God will, you can't do much about it.

My friend say I need to re-write last night's entry because it is too vulgar. Ha. It's Bel at her super-pissed state. All genuine and and heart-felt. Haha...

Ok, got to go TPY for second half show now.

*PUKE* Sick...

Ramble ramble.....

SMILE

Smile, though your heart is aching

Smile, even though it's breaking

When there are clouds in the sky

You'll get by if you smile through your fear and sorrow

Smile, and maybe tomorrow

You'll see the sun come shining through for you.

Light up your face with gladness

Hide every trace of sadness

Although a tear may be ever so near

That's the time you must keep on trying

Smile, what's the use of crying

You'll find that life is stillworth while

If you'll just smile.


Nice song. Like to listen to the lyrics whenever I feel awful.

Like now.

More later. Busy day today at work. Bleah. The rain seems to have brought the cough back...

Ramble ramble.....

Was out with a friend this afternoon. Had this sudden urge to blog but since I had no internet access of any kind, I wrote it down on a serviette and this is what I wrote:

'I'm feeling super pissed! I Give Up! I do not want to play this game anymore. The rules are not laid out. The game is not explained. I'm not willing to sit out and wait because there is no point; as we do not see each other often enough for me to be able to assess if there are any developments. STUPID! Bleah.'

And that is exactly how I feel. I'm letting this go. Irony of this? I wrote that while sitting in the starbucks beside the gym. Hahaha...

Anyway, I've decided that I'm not going to let another guy fuck around with my mind or heart anymore. Yes, it's very strong words. but I'm feeling very strongly about this too.

First of all, he was the one who asked for a second date. Then he turned around and made it seem like I wanted it. Fine, no big deal. And when I asked what time can he make it on the day he said he's free, he actually asked me 'what's up?'! Joke of the Century man! After the Prank of the Century, which in case you've yet to figure out, is of me being dumped so unceremoniously! I told him it's alright, just call when he feels like seeing me. Yea... and I'll see if I can make it then. Bleah.

And, I've also decided that should he ever come up to me when we meet in the pub, I'm going to say this straight in his face: 'you know, I liked you. A lot. But it's a pity you never made clear just how you feel.' Spiteful? You're damn right it is. I want him to know that if he was ever interested, he was the one who let the chance slipped by. Not because I was not interested.

I think I need to take a really really looo......nnng sabbatical on men. Can't handle it anymore. Don't want to handle it anymore.

And what in the world is HIS fucking problem? When HE sees me online but refuses to contact me? Is HE avoiding me? Ok, cool girl... I guess if I'm this upset it speaks volume about how I feel still right? About HIM and me...

I feel like I'm being pushed around here by these two men and they are having alot of amusement out of me. Stupid shit.

Ramble ramble.....

Cough's quite bad. S said I sounded quite sexy. Haha. Yea right. Went to the doctor's today and he said he's going to treat me as if for asthma though it's not that yet... Medicine making me quite light-headed. Then again, not sure if it's really the medication or because my trainer messaged me today. Hehe...

After asking if he (the trainer, who else) is still interested in the second date we left it at that last night. This afternoon he texted me and asked if I had made plans for it yet. So does that mean he is as eager as I am to meet again? Hmm... Talking, or rather trying to talk, to him is such a torture. He never answers my questions straight and is so stingy with his replies, always so vague. Like when I asked him if it has been 'out of sight, out of mind' to him or was it 'absence makes the heart fonder' and he had to say 'depends'. Which got me calling him anal for being so difficult with his replies. To which he answered 'sometimes'. I did not understand what he meant and asked if he meant he did think of me sometimes or is he sometimes anal. Haha... He said 'both'. Hmm... Does that mean anything? Should I get all worked up yet? I guess if I want answers I have to go ask him in the face, no point texting him anyway...

Chatted for a while with him after I got home from the doctor's and the more we talked, the more I feel he is so similar with the other HIM. In the way they think and they way they handle things, the way they view the world and the way they are. I was afraid for a moment. Because I was thinking if I want to be in a similar situation and position again, where I have to handle the same kind of temperaments and behaviours and accept the same kind of handling, if, anything happens between us. Then I thought: 'Hey! I've got experience now, I know what to do now. I know how to handle such men now. Do I still have any problems? Only if my pride and obstinance gets in the way again like before.' Then I reminded myself also that I am not seeking anything here. I have no commitment to anyone or anything I do not want to commit to. I have no worries. I do not have to worry.

Oh by the way, just in case some of you are wondering or have yet to figure out, the guy whose arms I was in is my brother. Haha, it sure helps having a brother you can go pubbing with. The benefits are mutual. I think it is so cool too, to be able to bond with your family to the extent you can go have fun with them like this. My mum used to tease that I hang on to my dad's arm like my sugar-daddy. Haha, but that was a long long time ago. We do not even walk near each other now, much less hold on to him so affectionately. Sometimes I wonder too what changed? Was it simply because I've grown up or we just grown apart. I do feel sad that I am not close to my dad and that he has so many issues with me. But that is another story for another entry another time...

I started blogging to let my friends have a little more insight to my mind and to save myself the trouble of having to repeat my encounters so many times to different people but it does not seem to have helped. If anything, I do believe I have only achieved confusing my friends more. Oops. Haha.

Ramble ramble.....

Someday my Prince will come
Some day I'll find my Love
And how thrilling that moment will be
When the Prince of my dreams comes to me

When he whispers 'I love You'
And steal a kiss or two
Though he's far away
I'll find my love someday
Someday when my dreams come true

*Smiles*

*Giggles*

*Laughing out loud*

I think the trainer was miffed. When I messaged him last night he said he thought he saw me at the pub the other night. Told him yea I was there with some friends. Asked why did he not come over and his reply: 'Well saw you in the arms of a guy so I thought better not disturb you...' Haha... And then he told me I do not need him to mend my heart because 'you have plenty out there to mend for you already'. Does not matter to me whether he's jealous or not. But his responses tickles me. Haha... Well, whatever he is thinking...

*cough cough* Argh! Sickening cough. *sulk* I'm going to the doctor's now.

Someone called me a terrible flirt last night. Another said I was naughty.

Ha. Whatever. I don't have to worry for my heart if I'm not expecting him to hold it right? Just having some fun. I'm sure he is too.

Ramble ramble.....

Went down to 'the pub' again tonight. Ok, by now some of you would have known which pub it is but for the rest who don't I think I'll continue to keep mum for the time being. Anyway, was having quite a bit of fun horsing around with my friend, and later with my brother and his gal pal. I was thinking probably tonight I won't see him after all when sudddenly he appeared in front of me. And I swear my friend and brother will testify I went cuckoo and all-high. Haha... Ok, so I was acting coy and pretended not to have noticed him and all, even when he was like sitting right on the arm of my couch I was like looking the other way and pretended not to notice. Two reasons: One, because I have until Thursday before my 'curfew' is up and I did not want to slap myself before that. Two, he saw me. If he was interested he should have approach me. Would it have killed him to come over and say hi? Apparently so. Even when I was sitting all alone on the couch and he was right beside he also refused to just sit next to me and say hi. Sheesh. However, he spent the time stealing looks and glances over at me. My brother testifies to that! Hmmm..... And you know what I overheard him shouting to his friend? It went something like 'well if she's playing cool then I shall play cool too'. Was he referring to me? And was he shouting it so loudly on purpose so I could hear? He was just an arm's length away; again MY arm's length. My brother thinks he's definitely interested in me but he has not the guts to approach me yet. Do I bite? *Grrr...*

Actually although I'm a little disappointed that he just walked off and did not say hi, I guess in the end I'm really glad he did not. Why? Because it has given me little bit more time to think about things, to put things into perspective before I can do whatever I want, if I want.

What do I want? Frankly just to make friends and take things real slow from there. I'm not hoping for anything and I'm not expecting anything. I'm actually quite contented with the way things are. Contentment is the greatest bliss one can ever know.

Maybe I'll call him on Thursday, maybe next week. Maybe next month. I do not know... We'll see how I feel then.

Ramble ramble.....

YAY!

Some happy news at last. My Home Director sent me an email today despite being on her annual long leave and reassured me that she remembers my confirmation date is on Thursday. She also said my remuneration will be in review as well. Ha, save me the trouble of asking her if I can request for more money. I was just thinking about it the last few days, how with the amount of work I have to do and their reluctance to hire another assistant for me till now they really should give me more money for my effort or they're not going to keep me. Haha...

Sianz.... tomorrow public holiday but I got so much to finish before that. Tonight can't work OT either because I'm going out to C_E_L_E_B_R_A_T_E!!! If I get the amount of raise I'm hoping for, there are some people whose treats are long over-due. Yes, it's you and you and you. I have not forgotten my promise to buy you dinner. Hold out a while more k? If you are not sure if I am talking about you, I'm probably not. Hahahaha...

Ramble ramble.....

Has anyone ever wondered why it is so hard for some people to forget someone, while others never once look back? Do you ever ponder when you are sitting alone and all quiet whether somewhere in the world someone is thinking of you at the very same time? Does anyone understand the mentality of giving yourself to total abandonment?

I have.

I am still wondering how a person who is loving you so much can simply give up, no matter what the reason. I am often wondering if sometimes when he is all alone and lonely does he think of me and miss what we had. Sometimes when anger and bitterness hit me, I do things without caring what the consequences might be. Because I am thinking it does not matter if bad things happen to me. When I cross the road without looking out for traffic. When I return late and deliberately walk the dark way home. When I fall sick and put off going to the doctor. These are times when I have no self-worth. I cannot comprehend the significance of my existence when a man who professed to love you so much just gave up and walked out. I question the importance of my being if that man could not see it.

I have raved at him countless times in my head and beaten him to a pulp many times over in my mind. But I know when I see him I only want to run into his arms and stay there forever.

I thought I was over the sadness and the mourning. I thought I was over him. Again, I thought wrong. Tonight, I find myself crying for him to return. To come back to my side and to hold me in his arms. I find myself wishing to hear him tell me everything is alright and that he never left. The body aches from want of his embrace. The heart bleeds from the harshness of reality. I hate myself for succumbing to the torturous agony of what is. I hate myself for not cherishing the people in my life who DO care about me. I hate myself for not being able to see through his callousness. I hate myself for still holding on to the past. I hate myself for not loving me enough.

Maybe I will go after all. Leave this place for a while. Meet new people, do new things. Live a different lifestyle. Maybe when I return, I would be able to face him again without that twinge in the heart. I may have filled up that hollow in the chest.

Do not call me. Do not message me. Do not ask me how I am. For I cannot answer 'I'm fine' and I do not want to pretend that I am.

The Rose

Some say love, it is a river, that drowns the tender reed
Some say love, it is a razor, that leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love, it is a hunger, an endless aching need
I say love, it is a flower, and you, it's only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking, that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking, that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken, the one who can't seem to give
And the soul afraid of dying, that never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long
And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong
Just remember that in the winter, far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed, that with the sun's love in the spring becomes the rose.

Is my love a river that drowns;
Or am I the drowning reed?
Am I the razor that cuts;
Or the bleeding soul?
Have I fed the hunger;
Or am I the hungry one?

I have danced and taken the chance.
I have given, more than I thought I had.

Why then, am I the lonely one at night?
The one crying for another chance.
Is it winter or spring?
Is my heart bitter or warm?

Will I know love again?

Ramble ramble.....