It's been a really hectic week.

Ah Ma was admitted to hospital. For dehydration and malnutrition. Elderly abuse by her own son. Useless pair of husband and wife who've gone beyond plain laziness to obvious neglect of the old lady. How is it possible that a housewife is not able to provide two decent meals a day for an old lady to the point that she developed stomach ulcers in her old age? God is watching you dears. So are your children.

I'm in the Toa Payoh office now, my office, sitting at my new desk, typing on my brand new computer and looking at my brand new all-in-one officejet from HP. HA. But it's not linked up to the network yet! And the computer does not have any of the office programmes! So I cannot do work here yet, haha... Well, my assistant will be coming in next Thursday. It's a coursemate from long ago, and the funny thing is we did not even talk to each other then, being in different classes. It just so happened that we bumped into each other about a month back on the NEL and we exchanged contacts; For formality sakes??? Haha. Anyway, it does seem we may get along ok after all these times. We'll see.

I'm kind of rambling here because I'm not quite sure what to say still and just what the matter is wrong with me. Suddenly this past week, there is such a strong wave of sadness and longing for HIM. I still miss him, although I'm trying very hard not to think of HIM and what HE is doing now and how is HE. I don't know why out of the blue I am all blue again. Anyway I've decided I should just stop trying so hard to forget HIM or to let go of things. I did try very hard but I'm still back at square one now. What's the point? I surrendered and submitted all to God but I was still hurting bad and lost and bewildered. I did not get any comfort or reprieve at all. So? Is anyone thnking that it's because I did not totally and truly committed all to God? Only God knows if I have, no one else can tell. But I have closed the door on God now. So no point talking about that.

And for all of you who are curious, concerned, whatever... I've decided not to do anything about the trainer fellow yet, until I get a clearer picture of what is going on with him, me and us. I could pretend to live in oblivious bliss in the past when I just close one eye and not think about what HE does in the gym with his members and simply place 100% blind trust and faith in HIM and I was happy. But now that I'm hanging around a gym too and I can see for myself how some of the trainers interact with their members... ok more specifically how he is interacting with other girls, I know I might get sqiurmish about it. This is because 'once bitten, twice shy'. I hate to become all paranoid and possessive, and I know I'm a very likely candidate for that. I hate to become insecure and self-doubting also. But it's really hard for me to be certain of myself when I cannot get any sort of assurances from the other person. What am I banking on for my confidences then? That, is my reason for the wait-and-see game. I do not like or believe in using dynamites to fish.

As for the strain between me and God, only I and God can work that out. Frankly, I'm not too hot to deal with it right now. The irony is, sometimes at night or when I feel small, I still call out to God subconsciously... old habits die hard? Whatever. I do feel corny when that happens and definitely feel like a big hypocrite.