Sometimes I wonder why one needs friends? When I really want to talk to someone or have someone show me a little concern I cannot seem to find a 'friend' who is willing to listen. It is not even as if I am just sitting in a corner waiting for someone to call. The sad truth is even after I pick up the phone, no one is interested to listen. But if I have gossip to share perhaps things will be different then.
Granted, each of us has our own lives to lead and problems to solve. But I am not asking for help. Only a listening ear. I believe I never turned anyone away when they needed a shoulder to lean on. Or maybe mine are too small for their comfort.
In any case, I am beginning to think no one wants to hear what I have to say anyway. What for? They have already made up their own minds about what is up with me anyway. They do not need my verification or clarification. Never mind I never denied anything. But please note I never admitted anything either. Does this equal confession? So silence is no longer golden, but admission by default. Ha. Ok, lesson learnt. By the way, if I spoke up and said what you want to hear would you believe me? The verdict is already out is it not? Then what is the point of me defending myself? I always believed that time will tell the truth and that the innocent stands untarnished. Besides the more I tried to explain myself, the more likely one will think I am being defensive.
So, perhaps it suits me fine that I work myself to oblivion and death. Just work and toil each day till I finally drop dead. Who cares? I certainly do not anymore.
Therefore do not bother to ask me what is wrong. Oh! Wait, perhaps you never intended to in the first place. After all, the problem is mine not yours; you have your own to solve.
Sheesh, and some wonder why I wish so much to find a partner. Desperate? Not in that sense. But it would be nice to have someone I can call whenever I feel upset and have him really care and comfort me. People always say I must have been choosy to still be single. But do they know I was actually dumped and not the other way round? If I had the mind to choose would I have made the choice I did? I must have forgotten my grey matter that day when deciding then...
Know what? Fuck the world and the people around me. Then again, perhaps I am the only one reading my writing.
Pathetic.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Just came home from dinner with my family and grandma at the neighbourhood coffeeshop. For some funny reason, I was almost totally quiet throughout dinner. I just sat and ate. Then on the way home in the car, I kind of snapped at my grandma for making a fuss about my brother seeing her to her doorstep. Then while waiting for my brother to get back down, my dad played this totally awful bass-thumping music in the car at a horrendous volume. And he thinks he is being cool! Argh. I almost jumped out of the car to walk home. Still wondering at my burst of grouchiness...
Anyway, I promised to tell more about my work. In a nutshell, I have agreed to stay on, status-quo. Yes, I know I am stupid to agree to stay on as I am; and in a way things are as I predicted: that somehow I am automatically given the role of a leader amongst the three of us and expected to watch over the other two new staff. Yet I am not recognised as such. Why did I agree to stay on then? Believe me when I say I regretted. Almost the very next day I announced my reconsideration. I guess few will believe me when I say I am actually very soft-hearted. All it takes is some persuasive acting and honey words and I am sold. Sigh.
Just the other day one of them made a blooper and I was asked why did I not check her work beforehand; the thing is what right have I to ask to see her work or double-check her work when we are all the same? Why should I be responsible for her work and actions? But silly me actually lost sleep over the issue that night, trying to think of a solution for her. On top of that I had to explain to two of the directors what happened and try to salvage the situation.
Yes, I am an idiot.
Although with two new staff for the department my workload now should be one-third of what it used to be, however, as this is a year of major anniversary celebrations for the Home, it only means that there are many more new projects to be planned and executed for the celebrations. Just for May alone I am to oversee two projects which both have senior ministers as the guests-of honour. One is a golf charity on the Fourth and the other is a launch for the year-long's anniversary celebrations on the Fifteenth. I am beginning to feel the heat a little as so much seems to be left to be done and so little time is left. The clock is ticking away... More overtime on the horizon.
The clock seems to be ticking away for something else too. Why is it they all either come at the same time or go at the same time too? How is a girl suppose to choose and decide then? So, there are two men whom I can begin to really really like. And after a short spurt of teasing and expression of interests, (by them!) both suddenly goes all quiet. One says he is busy with two upcoming events till end of this month. But Why do I feel that he is somehow avoiding me? Oversensitive? Well, but my instincts have proven to be right most times. The other is simply keeping quiet. Guess he is busy too. Ha.
I am tired of being alone. I want to be with someone. Someone whom I can see often. Someone whom I can call whenever I miss him. Someone who will ask me 'what would you like to do today?', and 'where do you want to go?'...
Well, one month more to go. That was the deadline I gave myself. If love does not appear by then I will not think about it anymore for the next two years or so. I shall just concentrate on my work and career. No point hoping and waiting for something that seems no where near. Waste of time and energy-sapping.
Irony of my life? I still believe God is out there somewhere. But God and I are not agreeing currently. I am never one to accept things as they are being told, I always question 'why'. Not likely to stop the questioning anytime soon.
Want to ask me out? I might seem weird and out of sorts. Approach at your own risk. Ha.
Anyway, I promised to tell more about my work. In a nutshell, I have agreed to stay on, status-quo. Yes, I know I am stupid to agree to stay on as I am; and in a way things are as I predicted: that somehow I am automatically given the role of a leader amongst the three of us and expected to watch over the other two new staff. Yet I am not recognised as such. Why did I agree to stay on then? Believe me when I say I regretted. Almost the very next day I announced my reconsideration. I guess few will believe me when I say I am actually very soft-hearted. All it takes is some persuasive acting and honey words and I am sold. Sigh.
Just the other day one of them made a blooper and I was asked why did I not check her work beforehand; the thing is what right have I to ask to see her work or double-check her work when we are all the same? Why should I be responsible for her work and actions? But silly me actually lost sleep over the issue that night, trying to think of a solution for her. On top of that I had to explain to two of the directors what happened and try to salvage the situation.
Yes, I am an idiot.
Although with two new staff for the department my workload now should be one-third of what it used to be, however, as this is a year of major anniversary celebrations for the Home, it only means that there are many more new projects to be planned and executed for the celebrations. Just for May alone I am to oversee two projects which both have senior ministers as the guests-of honour. One is a golf charity on the Fourth and the other is a launch for the year-long's anniversary celebrations on the Fifteenth. I am beginning to feel the heat a little as so much seems to be left to be done and so little time is left. The clock is ticking away... More overtime on the horizon.
The clock seems to be ticking away for something else too. Why is it they all either come at the same time or go at the same time too? How is a girl suppose to choose and decide then? So, there are two men whom I can begin to really really like. And after a short spurt of teasing and expression of interests, (by them!) both suddenly goes all quiet. One says he is busy with two upcoming events till end of this month. But Why do I feel that he is somehow avoiding me? Oversensitive? Well, but my instincts have proven to be right most times. The other is simply keeping quiet. Guess he is busy too. Ha.
I am tired of being alone. I want to be with someone. Someone whom I can see often. Someone whom I can call whenever I miss him. Someone who will ask me 'what would you like to do today?', and 'where do you want to go?'...
Well, one month more to go. That was the deadline I gave myself. If love does not appear by then I will not think about it anymore for the next two years or so. I shall just concentrate on my work and career. No point hoping and waiting for something that seems no where near. Waste of time and energy-sapping.
Irony of my life? I still believe God is out there somewhere. But God and I are not agreeing currently. I am never one to accept things as they are being told, I always question 'why'. Not likely to stop the questioning anytime soon.
Want to ask me out? I might seem weird and out of sorts. Approach at your own risk. Ha.
Saturday, April 23, 2005
Monday, April 18, 2005
You Are An Elm Tree |
 You are easygoing and a pleasure to be around. Good looking, you have a pleasant shape and tasteful clothes. You demand little in others, but you tend not to forgive their mistakes. Dominant, you like to lead and enjoy making decisions for others. Overall, you are cheerful, honest, noble, generous, and funny. |
See, I do have some redeeming qualities...
Your Seduction Style: The Charmer |
 You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement. You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you. By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power. And then you've got them exactly where you want them! |
Oops, am I revealing too much about myself here? Hehe...
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Something came up at work yesterday. It was really nobody's fault. Yet somehow I do feel responsible for it.
Basically one of the idiots at work kept chasing one of the new girls to send out an invitation letter. And when she finally sent it out he was unhappy that he did not get to vet and approve before that. The thing was he made the poor girl so flustered and confused that she only thought to send the letter out as soon as she could. It was not exactly my fault as I could not very well ask to see her letter first (since I was not above her) and I was under the impression that the letter had been approved by someone 'upstairs'. Besides, it was not my job or responsibility in the first place. But then, I still felt so bad about the blooper that I was thinking about it the whole of last night.
Haiz.
Basically one of the idiots at work kept chasing one of the new girls to send out an invitation letter. And when she finally sent it out he was unhappy that he did not get to vet and approve before that. The thing was he made the poor girl so flustered and confused that she only thought to send the letter out as soon as she could. It was not exactly my fault as I could not very well ask to see her letter first (since I was not above her) and I was under the impression that the letter had been approved by someone 'upstairs'. Besides, it was not my job or responsibility in the first place. But then, I still felt so bad about the blooper that I was thinking about it the whole of last night.
Haiz.
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Friday, April 08, 2005
Is it just me or is this how the world goes?
Why is it the more a man means to you the more he is likely to disappoint you? Or is it just because he means so much to you that you have higher expectations of him and thus your greater disappointments?
All the deep hurts and great disappoints I have experienced all come from people who mean alot to me. Why is it that the more you treasure someone the more you will be hurt by the person? Should it not be that the person should give you only happiness and smiles? Why the pain and sadness?
The world sucks. Men suck. God sometimes sucks too.
Why is it the more a man means to you the more he is likely to disappoint you? Or is it just because he means so much to you that you have higher expectations of him and thus your greater disappointments?
All the deep hurts and great disappoints I have experienced all come from people who mean alot to me. Why is it that the more you treasure someone the more you will be hurt by the person? Should it not be that the person should give you only happiness and smiles? Why the pain and sadness?
The world sucks. Men suck. God sometimes sucks too.