Gay Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
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Yea, did this in the midst of folding the laundry. Super sian day. But it is a good time for me to recharge for the week coming. Another mad rush of events: 2 seminars to attend, reports and proposals to do, sponsors to call up and meet, school assignment to complete, another quiz, research paper to start, GYM TO GO... A girl has only so much time... Sigh. Hope I will not konk out before the next Friday rolls along again.

I was feeling to tired to blog actually. But then I remembered there was something I wanted to announce: 'I put on weight!'  Yep. That's right, Uncle James weighed me at the gym today when I told him I think I put on weight because the pants are no longer as loose. And the scales showed 39.9kg. Not bad. Our target is to hit 43kg. Hee. Uncle James was quite impressed that despite my small stature, I was quite strong in my arms and legs; puny as I am. Haha. Don't mess with me.

*hai-ya!* *karate kick*

Can you believe that I worked OT almost every night this week? Even when I had Saturday off I was still wondering if I should go back to work. There just seem to be so much to be done, just waiting to swallow me up. It is really hard to concentrate and churn out reports and proposals and letters in the day too when one keeps getting interrupted by phonecalls and visits and meetings. Gosh, I am really tired. Fortunately this time round I truly enjoy my work and it is by choice that I stayed back to clear the workload. While I did not purposely stay back for show and pretend to be hardworking, it certainly helps that people noticed and acknowledged my presence at 10pm in the night. Ha, promotions and pay-raises here I come... Of course, I am only wishing...

On the other hand, I neglected my schoolwork and skipped several classes because I was so caught up and overwhelmed with work. Sigh, got to put in more effort there too. Does not help at all that this semester everything goes by individual projects. No more sharing of workload...

Well, there is certainly much more to be said, but between work, school and making sure I clock enough hours at the gym ('Hey! I've already paid the membership after all?!'), I am all maxed out. The workload is only getting heavier and heavier even though I have an assistant now to help share the burden. But as the world turns, everyday there is a new project to handle before the current ones are even up and running on their own. Can you even begin to imagine the amount of planning, coordinating and proposing I have to come up with; not to mention that I now have to start running around outside to meet potential sponsors, donors and collaborators. Phew! I am breathless just typing this out.

On a more sombre note, and one which I believe most of you are more concerned about, I have started thinking a little about how things stand between me and God. While I never had the intention to turn from God totally, I guess I have not exactly sat down and figure out just what is wrong and what I should do. On the bright side, I never really let go of God. Many times I still find myself calling out or reaching out to Him, habit or subconscious? Better than nothing right? Well, give me some more time, I am sure I will be able to walk out of the valley somehow. I know you are all withholding your comments and concern now, maybe because you are afraid telling me anything now will drive me further away from God. I appreciate the time-out from all of you, after all, would I not know whatever encouragements, advice or 'gospel truths' that you want so much to dish out to me? Really thankful for not nagging me or pressurizing me during this time. It has indeed made things alot easier on me.

Well, it is past one-thirty in the morning. Better sleep more, tons to do tomorrow, even at home and away from work. I am really lagging behind in my school assignments.

Super BUSY day. Or as we like to say 'jin bo eng ah!'. Hahaha... So what am I doing blogging in the middle of a busy day then? Well, because the stupid accounts fellow decided to choose today as THE DAY to do miantenance to the server, which means I cannot access my folders and documents until he is done so here I am now trying to look busy and yet not waste my time literally doing nothing.
 
Ok, server's back up. Got to work now. Later.
 

She Believes In Me - By Steve Gibb
 
While she lays sleeping
I stay out late at night and play my songs
And sometimes all the nights can be so long
And it's good when I finally make it home
All alone
 
While she lays dreaming
I touch her face across the silver light
I see her dreams that drift up to the sky
And she wakes up to my kiss
And I say it's alright
And I hold her tight
 
And she believes in me
I'll never know what just what she sees in me
I told her someday
If she was my girl,
I could change the world
With my songs,
But I was wrong.
 
But she has faith in me
And so I go on trying faithfully
Forever in my heart she will remain
And I hope and pray,
I will find a way, find a way
 
While she lays waiting
I ask myself why do I hurt her so
What calls me on along this lonely road
Why don't I turn around and head back home
Where I belong
 
While she lays crying
For she knows how my heart is ripped in two
I'm torn between the things that I should do
She deserves it all and I'd give it if I could
God, her love is true.
 
And she believes in me
I'll never know what just what she sees in me
I told her someday
If she was my girl,
I could change the world
With my songs,
But I was wrong.
 
But she has faith in me
And so I go on trying faithfully
Forever in my heart she will remain
And I hope and pray,
I will find a way, find a way
 
While she lays sleeping
While she lays sleeping for me
 
I took the song above from a friend's blog. Somehow this is what I wish HE will be thinking. Which will mean that I am waiting for HIM to turn back right? In a way yes. But I also really wish I can meet someone who will take my mind off HIM. Someone who can help me move along. Contradictory huh?
 
Never mind, I shall live life as it is now and see what comes along.
 

Work has been really hectic the past two weeks and that is why I have not made entries recently. Also, too many things have happened too fast. Before I can figure out what is happening another event has taken place and I am two steps behind in my blogging.
 
I think to pick up from where I had left off is a little too tedious, not just for the writer (moi sincerely) but also for my faithful readers (that's you). Anyway, I will summarise things:
 
I uploaded my picture on the MSN match.com profile  a few weeks ago and I have been hit by a neverending barrage of emails and requests from people ever since, mostly males of course. It came to a point where I think 'ENOUGH' and two days ago I suspended my profile. Ahh... peace. So why did I put it up in the first place? Well, I just wanted to know if I will get more responses than I had the past few months when there was no photo. Duh right? Never mind... That said, I am looking at it only as a tool to meet more people doing different things for networking purposes and also to broaden my perspectives of what I already know, or think I do. I met some decent people who are just looking for a chat only also and maybe to make friends. There are some weird ones out there too but I have blocked them from contacting me on Messenger already. I really have no intentions at all of meeting them up in person, not at this early stage anyway. And even if I do it will definitely not be just the two of us at any quiet spots. More likely we will sit at the bus-stop and talk. Haha... Safe enough right? No more getting into anybody's car! Keke.
 
Of those people I met through this means is a nice guy from NZ (or at least he is pretending to be nice to me, haha. By the way, he could be reading this too. 'Hi Sam'). I will touch on him another time. ('Hey Sam, you're only the third guy I named outright here! Aren't you feeling honoured?! Hee.') Yes, this is taking up quite a bit of time from me during the day, especially when I am rushing against the clock to get work done. Haha. Well...
 
I will not talk about my gym sessions for the time being except just to point out that Quek went down with me on Friday and, I am not sure about her but I enjoyed the time hanging out together and laughing at some of the people in the classes. Hohoho... Yes, I am very evil. Oh, by the way, she saw that trainer... the one I was interested in. Not much comments from her except that she thinks his eyes look sleepy. Yea... Ha. She met my current trainer too. The uncle one. Uncle James. Fatherly fellow, funny and irritatingly so. Feeling quite sayang-ed by him actually, because he will text me almost everyday and ask if I have eaten and how I am feeling. Well, at least he gives me the impression that I am getting my money's worth through his show of concern.
 
Work is thoroughly oppressing yet satisfying at the same time. I have never felt that there is so much to be done and that I can do but it seems just so right now. Despite feeling drained, I do feel happy also with the progress I am making, for my nursing home as well as for myself. That said, I was so tired on last Saturday that I almost cried and of course all I could think of and wanted was to be in someone's arms and be comforted like a little girl. HIS arms.
 
Yes, I still miss HIM. I often wonder when I will ever come to a point where I will stop missing HIM and if I will even notice it then. I cannot help myself but every guy that comes along inevitably gets compared to HIM and the strange thing is even if the other guy is better in every other way, I realise it is still HIM I am pining for. How does one let go of a love lost then? I really have no idea at all. I am not even certain myself what I want. Some days I think I am crazy to go on like this and I should just walk away as fast and far as I can. On other days, I just want to sit in a corner with the memories that were and convince myself that one day the wait will prove worthwhile. The rest of the time, I just try not to think at all to avoid going fully bonkers. Then again some of you might ask 'you mean you are not already?' So am I ready to meet someone else or not? Am I open to meeting someone else? Sigh... no idea also. But I think it will be really unfair to the other person. Unless he is really genuinely keen to know me and do not mind waiting or when I have put HIM away for good and am ready. Or if I am also interested enough in the new guy to want to change the status quo. 
 
Too many things are happening too fast too overwhelmingly. So many thoughts in the head and so many clashes of emotions in the heart. It is a picture of stormy seas in my head and heart. Even the soul is sometimes lost in the roars of those seas.
 
What do I want? Where do I want to go or be? I really do not know...
 

Not had time to pen my thoughts the last week. Then again it could be because I hadn't had much time to think in the first place. Or rather, I have been telling myself not to think so much, rest the heart and mind a little. So even on my two days off I tried not to analyse things too much.

There are several things which have happened this week but I am not too sure where to start archiving. Besides, I realise that some of the things I say here are really very much a spur of the moment record of the situation. Things move on faster than I can write them down and after a while I feel like I am chasing after the wind. But more for myself than for my 'faithful readers', I guess soon I got to sit down and really regurgitate everything, for sole purpose of my reference. Ha.

Well, till then night!

Someone thought I was a uni grad. Said I had an air about me that says so. Huh? Haha, well if only future prospective employers all just assume so too...

I am actually getting a kick out of going to the gym. Now I am always planning and wondering when is the next time I can make it for a session. There is a strange sense of satisfaction and accomplishment with sweating it out. It feels like all the frustrations and unhappiness all just ooze out of the pores together with the perspiration. At the end of it, you are so tired you just slip into a deep slumber and before you know it, morning has come and it is another day.

I am definitely much happier now but the heart is still not agreeing with the head. Every ounce of me says not to be silly and not waste my time waiting for uncertainty. On the other hand, the heart cannot help but be soft on the man you loved so much before and still loves. You forgive and forget every wrong and every tear and you still look to him for solace and comfort.

I am feeling lighter but I am not any less confused. I am just living each day as it comes and try to be as happy as I can. I am not going to think anymore so as not to add on to the confusion that is already swirling wildly inside me.

Eat, sleep, work, study... Enough to keep me occupied for the time being.

Some of you are not too certain what happened the past week. Well, the conclusion is that I have finally decided to 'sack' the trainer. It is a very simple equation actually. When he refused to reply me my question to him, I decided that is it. No point dragging on and make myself miserable or appear hard-up for him. That is not really the case anyway. Funny thing is while he was the one who has been keeping silent, he has also been the one so far to be 'playing games' with me. Each time he sees me and my brother at the gym or at the pub he will try to attract my attention by speaking loudly around me or staring impolitely at my brother. Huh? It's ok, I do not really care anymore. But I will play along if he wants and we will see who has the last laugh. Haha... Cheap thrill? You bet.

Anyway, things are uneasy not just for me but for some of my friends too, each with their own set of problems. All of us trying to cope as best as we can and know how. Most are leavng it to God's hands, while the rest like me, just try to get by each day. I suppose it is all part of growing up and getting acquainted with the world. I feel sad for all of us. I feel sorry too that we are all hurting so much. I guess at this time, we can only do so much for each other since we all have our own burdens. However, I know we will never walk away if we do get a SOS call. I know I won't. In fact, it is actually kind of like a catharsis when you try to console someone else and their problems take precedence over your own. It makes you feel you are not such a big deal after all. I hope my friends will not shy away from coming up to me or the others. Altruism IS a soul-soothing thing. Let us all do something for one another.

My brother wants me to mention him in here. He thinks it will increase his chances with my lady friends. Huh? Ok, as long as it makes him happy.

My brother is Oliver. He is tall and dark. You decide for yourself if he is handsome. Of course, there are only so many people reading this blog and I SERIOUSLY doubt they will be likely to fall for him, never mind if I say good or bad things. Hahaha.

Anyway, I promised him and I did it. Ha.

Ok, I will stop here for now. Leave more for tomorrow. Or whenever... Monday off! Yea.

Ok, turned out the loser trainer could not remember anything he said two nights ago. And he insisted he was not drunk. Well, whatever. He asked me what he said so I resent the whole conversation to him. Yes, I kept his messages. Not all, it does get cleaned up. He has yet to respond. So I guess in a way I have my answer already anyhow. Ok. I'm not as upset as I, and many others, feared I'd be. Cool.

HE got me on MSN yesterday and I could not run away fast enough. Decided to 'thrash' things out with HIM. I told HIM I do not understand what the email is saying. I asked for an explanation. Hey, after all HE was the one pestering me for a response to HIS email... And this was what HE had to say:

HE: i not asking u to wait

HE: just telling u wat i decided

HE: u dun hv to wait

HE: u can go ahead to go out with any guys

HE: live ur own life

Me: wat have u considered and decided about us?

Me: u do not want to b with me anymore right? even if u r doing well now

HE: i not doing well now

Me: i'm saying if

Me: if things r going well for u now r u saying u'll come looking for me? to ask me back?

HE: yes

Me: and how long will that be?

HE: wat how long?

Me: how long more do u need?

HE: i dunno

HE: and u dun need to wait

Me: if u still want me then why don't u even want to see me?

HE: if i miss my chance then so be it

Most of the reactions I had gotten from friends after telling them what happened were of the same tune: HE's not worth it. Who does HE think HE is to do this to me? Many of them were angry too. But remember, this is only part of the conversation. I cannot possibly relate everything. And anyway, is it just me who is looking at this more objectively than the rest of the world? Of course, all of you would beg to differ and prefer to say instead I am just being biased. But really, does it not say something about the man if he cannot bear for you to struggle with him and instead chooses to let you go?

Anyway, you would want to know my take on this right? Well, as I've said earlier, I am just going to keep living the way I had before I saw the email, and I will continue to do what I feel like doing or want to do. No doubt, the heart sometimes still misses HIM but that is as far as it goes. I cannot and will not just live my life thinking of waiting out for HIM. That said, of course there are still moments when I find myself longing for HIM. My heart and head have fallen out with each other long ago. They have stopped working in tandem and are always confusing me with dilemmas.

Well, at least today I no longer feel like shit. Ha.

I can say I am alright. Really. Truly.

I shall write my reflections and confessions and conclusions tomorrow.

In a span of less than 24 hours, Missy Bel had a complete turnabout of emotions and moods. Feeling even slightly better than she did before Sunday, when she read THE EMAIL. What happened? Read on.

30 June 2004

0900hr to 1130hr: Feels like crap. No mood to do anything. Woke up late for work. What the heck. Can't be bothered. Must put in that off-in-lieu request form by today! Cannot take it anymore...

1130hr: When's lunch? Hungry. Did not take lunch today. Sigh...

1145hr: Don't care, just go eat now. Can't think without food. Still feels like crap.

1200hr: Shit. Taking my lunch so slowly but it is too over too fast. Feels really lousy. Wants to talk to someone. Maybe I'll call S. See how she is. Focusing on other people's problems might distract me from mine. Go kaypoh a bit.

1215hr: Sigh, she's busy. Her lunch hour is at 1pm. Call her later. Dozed off on the bench on the roof terrace. Nice weather, but a little chilly, wearing too thinly, no cardi... Haiz.

1255hr: The guys went down to look for her for lunch. How nice of them. How come no one comes looking for me for lunch when I feel so crappy? Haiz. Think I shall go back to work.

1330hr: Yea, the IT guy is here. I can finally set up my email accounts properly and start to work.

1445hr: YES! I can finally install MSN and ICQ. No more feeling alienated when I work in TPY now. Haiz, still not in the mood to work.

1500hr: Collected cheque for ballroom booking deposit. Shall go down personally to Fort Canning to pay up. Gives me some time off work and out in the streets.

1600hr: Panting a little from the climb up the hill. Phew. Should start exercising more seriously. After all, I paid for the gym already.

1615hr: Ok, everything's settled. Now to head back to office for 5 o'clock meeting. Hope my colleague brought the right folder down for me from Bedok... Still feels lousy. And a little sleepy now too.

1700hr: No time to feel anything now! Staff meeting with the Chairman and 2 Directors sitting in. Presenting later. Think; how do I want to present my part...

1730hr: Not thinking much but feeling shitty still. Oops! Handphone buzzed! Got an sms. From the waiter down at the pub. He's asking if I'm going down tonight. Hmm... well, I do feel like shit and I don't mind going down honestly, but got class... By the time it ends it's like so late already.... Tells him no.

1745hr: Oh, he sounds kind of disappointed. Turns out he won't be around for the next week or so... Oh wel, see how later.

1830hr: Finally the meeting is over! I'm so late for class. Rush rush rush. Hungry....

1915hr: On the bus at last. Think it will be past 8 o'clock when I get to class. Haiz. Well, better late than never.

1930hr: Talking to my godbrother on the phone. We tried analysing me and the email. Hmm. Bah! Decided I'll call him later to confirm if we are to go down to the pub.

2015hr: Hey, the class is having their break! Great, I'm just in time to join in. Ha.

2020hr: I have absolutely no idea what the lecturer is talking about. We are suppose to do a research paper on our own. But I didn't catch what the paper is suppose to be like and how and what we are to do.

2030hr: Think I'll continue the letter I was writing to my friend in China. Yes, in Chinese.

2130hr: Oh, class ended early. We've all zoned out so the lecturer decided to let us off early. Ok, quick call kor. See if he still wants to go and if he's picking me up. Spoke to some classmates about a project I have in mind and they all seem keen. Ok, got to work on it then.

2155hr: Sheesh, no answer. So do I go home or what? I'll wait at the bus-stop. No answer means I go home when bus comes. Oh, R buzzed. Ask me what the plan is.

2205hr: Bus' here! Hop on. Haiz, thought I can go unwind a while at the pub...

2215hr: Oops, R called. Said he can pick me up at my place and we meet kor there. Duh. I'm on the way home already. Says he'll meet me at my place. Ok, as long as it's free ride. Haha. Hungry. Not had dinner yet!

2230hr: Ok, bike ride's here. Head down to the pub and grab dinner on the way.

2245hr: DINNER... Where's kor? Always late. And not answering my calls too. URGH.

2315hr: Ok, dinner's done. Shall stay for just one drink and we'll go. Tired. Actually don't feel like drinking. Oh well, will just go and say hi to the waiter before he goes off next week. Don't think I'll be going down before he comes back anyway. The research project seems heavy-weight! Better stay home more to work. First proposal due on next Wednesday, a 1000-word paper!

2430hr: Home! Boring night anyway. No one is in the mood for anything. Still feeling horrible.

2445hr: I see my bed!!! Ahh... Ok, better send that email R asking for first.

0115hr: Shower time. Sleepy. Still shitty.

0140hr: Chatting with R online. He's talking to me about the email. I got a conclusion. I shall do as I feel like doing, and continue on as I have before the email came. Yea. Right now, I feel like texting the trainer and tell him how I feel. Hee.

0210hr: Shoot! HE's online too. And HE's text me online before I can hide. Sigh, asking if i received HIS email. Why oh why, does HE have to appear at this time? Sigh... Shall I answer HIM? Ok I'll just say yes and go off.

0213hr: Ok, sending message. Told the trainer that I'm a little interested in going out on a few more dates with him and I'd like to know how he feels also. Asked him to get back to me in the morning. Now, to bed...

0221hr: HUH? The phone buzzed. Who could it be? GASP, the trainer actually replied. Hmm, he's not sleeping yet. Ooh, he said it was nice going out with me. Asked me where I am.

0225hr: Asked if I remembered the date we out on. Now why would he want to know that... Asked me a few times too.

0230hr: I asked him for the reason first before I give him the date. Yes, Missy Bel notes down all her appointments in that little blue book of hers so it's easy to track. He promised to tell me later...

0247hr: Dozing off.... BUZZ. Told me to go sleep first. He's still busy. Ok. Not waiting anyway. Tired. But now, I'm feeling happy. SMILE, a grin is plastered on my face and the heart finally feels light again.

0330hr: Another loud buzz jolted me out of my light sleep. Scared the shit out of me. Turns out to be a friend who's still up. ARGH!. Can't go back to sleep anymore.

0335hr: The mind begins running a hundred thoughts a minute. Oh no, another sleepless night.

0530hr: Just beginning to doze off....

0810hr: LATE!