Still coughing. Getting worse too. *sulk*

Spent a long time writing my entry last night. Now every single word is gone. Don't know what's wrong with the connection, so volatile, keeps hanging and reconnecting. Let's see, can I recall what I wrote last night...

I said Barni bit me. Think he was too hungry. Went for my finger instead of the cabbage. Quite a bad cut, coming from such a small furry thing. Ouch.

And I also said I was out last night at MS with my brother. Was actually contemplating going home when he called. Couldn't find a movie to watch and nowhere to go. Decided to meet my brother and his friend after all. On my way to meet them I passed by 'that pub' and who should I see walking in front of me but him (the trainer lah). Talk about coincidences. He was on the phone and I decided if he is to see me he will, I will not call out to him. So I continued walking behind him and finally passed him at an arm's length, my arm's length! And still he did not see me. Blur or indifferent? Haha. Don't know. Mmm, don't really care either honestly. Not something I want to get hung up about.

My brother and his friend went into the pub with me much later anyway and although I saw him twice more I don't think he noticed me. Oh well. I'm small. Haha.

I guess what I want to say most about yesterday was the sudden change of mood that swept me up so suddenly that I couldn't even fathom why. How does a person cope when the heart goes on a roller-coaster ride without notice? One moment I'm enjoying the moment as it is, with no anger, no grief, no bitterness and no anticipation or expectation. The next I'm overwhelmed with waves of nostalgia and sadness, regret and heartbrokenness. I have come to think that once your heart has been broken enough times, the shattered pieces will be too small and too insignificant to feel any other hurt anymore, because it would have ceased to exist. What has taken over the space is only a haunting vaccumm, a gaping hole where once there was love and contentment. That's how I'm feeling nowadays, that how I am now. I'm only deterred by the persistence I have to not let it get me down. It doesn't matter anymore whether or not I meet another person, if I ever love again. If I can ever trust again. Sometimes once you have sorted it out and is able to find contentment in what you are and have, happiness follows. I guess I still believe in love and happiness.

166 days; 24 weeks; six months

152 days; 21.5 weeks; five and half months

70 days; nine weeks; two and one-quarter months

51 days; seven weeks; one and three-quarter months

Days and numbers.Yes I have been keeping track. Each and every day is a count-down. I don't know to what. Silly? I agree. But it offers some sort of perverse comfort, when I look back and am able to see at a glance how long it's taking me to start all over again. What do they mean? Only I know. Maybe some of you can guess. But you really don't need to know.

I have ceased to hope. And I no longer care.

Ramble ramble.....

Stupid, spent over an hour last night writing my entry and the internet connection hung on me. Lost every single word I wrote. Such a long entry too. *sulk*

Ramble ramble.....

Worked late again... Quite tired. Finally finished my proposal, of which I am quite proud of, seeing that it would have been a team effort even for class assignment. I really hope the sub-committee will like it and keep most of my ideas. Went over to the church next door after work. Not to pray. But to say hi to my friends hanging out there. Hmmm, was told that there is a good-looking member there. Saw him but think he's too 'kiddy' for me. Oops. Hee. But yea, kind of cute.

Got teased by a friend I've not seen in a long time. The last time I saw him was at the wedding and we didn't get to say much, no thanks to my hysterical drama display in church that day. Kekeke... Made fun of what I had said to the trainer about my 'heart condition'. Hey, it's a copyright k? Don't go using that on your interest. Make up your own. Haha...

Received my results today. Quite relieved to know that I did as well as last year and not worse, despite all that had happened and the stress I went through during school term. I had actually aimed for at least one A this term but now I'm just glad I maintained my standards. Heard that someone failed. *shudders* So worried for a moment it'd be me. How to go on to Masters like that?

Hmm... my colleagues have been teasing me non-stop these couple of days. Kept saying that one of the foreign staff is interested in me. Goodness! Now make me so awkward every time I see him. Haha, sweet man. Don't want to be nasty or hurt him. He's from Myanmar. Funny fellow, one of the clowns around the place. The other guy from Nepal (I think) also crapped that he stepped out of the 'competition' to let his friend have the chance. Ha.. ha.. ha... Asked them if they're having a good time at my expense and everyone said yes! Huh, the cheek of them.

My thoughts are like running all over the place right now, too tired to sort them out and put them into words. Hopefully the cough syrup will take effect soon, then I can just log out till tomorrow...

I highlighted my hair. Red. Nobody said nice yet... Very striking I thought, which was what I requested for... haha. Not too bad. So if you saw it let me know if you think it's nice ok?

Oh yes, before I forget. The readers of this blog are a very selected group. I really hope you will not direct anyone here without telling me. If you want to list me on your site please let me know first ok? There are only that many people I want to let in into my private world of rambles and grumbles. Kekeke.

Have I told you all I love you yet? No? Ok, 'I Love You!'

Ramble ramble.....

Sometimes a passing remark can hurt someone when you had no such intention to. 'God, please guard my mouth and words always, that I do not use the same mouth to sing your praises and hurt my friends'

Feels like all my brain juice has been used up last night. Tried to continue working on my proposal today but somehow just don't seem to be able to put my thoughts down in words. Now I'm down to the timeline only. But it's a little difficult for me to plan the schedule because the committee always prefer doing things their way at their pace, never mind they were the ones who wanted the timeline. Bah.

Brain's on strike. Blank.

Ramble ramble.....

Miss blogging. Too busy at work to write (or should I say type?) and the internet was not working for me at home the last two days, only just managed to get it going again today. Thanks Bao! Almost suffered a fit from 'internet withdrawal syndrome'. Haha.

Worked late today, didn't leave the office till almost 9pm! Dead tired, wanted to come home to continue but don't think I'll punish myself so hard. Hee. I'll continue tomorrow. Actually it feels good to work so hard and late. Didn't really mind. Only missed having someone to pick me up after that and bring me for dinner. Sigh, what I would do for a big hug... *deep breath in... exhale phoo...*

Darn. The heart still misses HIM sometimes. The past few days, I've got this nagging feeling that HE'S fallen ill. Told myself it's none of my business anymore but still can't help feeling concerned. Almost rang up HIS mum to ask if HE'S ok. Sheesh.

The trainer didn't call either. Sad.... Was down at the pub again last night but he wasn't there. Then again I was down early and I left early. Perhaps he went after I had left. Haha... Haiz. Today's the 8th day. Another 6 days more to go. I already know what I'm going to say to him when I can finally call/sms him. Haha, nope. Not going to tell any one of you what I'm going to say. Not now anyway, maybe after I've said it. Keke. Yea, I know. So far this trainer seems like bad news, in all sense of the word. But let's all be fair, we don't really know him enough to judge right? And we shouldn't be judging anyway. After all, maybe I'm the one who's only out to have a good time at the end of all these. Hee. Let's all just hang around and chill out. No sweat. I can't really go very far wrong when I have so many people looking out for me. *smiles* So far, only one friend thinks he's a 'good man'. Then again, he could be saying that just to get me off his back. He says that about every Tom, Dick and Harry that turns up. Hmmm.... luckily I've struck him off as my gatekeeper, not doing a very good job here, too indiscriminate. Hahaha....

It's almost midnight... The cough syrup makes me drowsy but it also keeps my mind running non-stop at night. Funny. Can't really sleep deeply... Sigh. Should be turning in soon. Too many late nights no good. Haha.

Thought on a tandem: Hmmm... Really beginning to like hanging out at the pub. Always something I wanted to do but never really got round to doing it till now. Ha. Next time, I'll open my own pub. But I'm going to ban smoking. I hate the stale smell of cigarette smoke in my hair, on my clothes, everywhere! I'm sure there are just as many people who don't smoke who enjoy pubbing as there are those who do smoke. Don't see why the non-smokers have to suffer in silence all the time. Sorry gal, smoke outside then come in k? Kekeke...

Oh, one more thing. I may be leaving the country for work. So far only told two persons. Don't say anything yet ok!!!? Yes, especially you. Don't go announcing it for me yet. Thank you very much. It's you, don't turn around and pretend. Hahaha... 'Will anyone of you miss me?' *shouts* Haiz. *hugs myself* I love you all. It's going to be tough when I do leave. Please, please , please, must think of me often and miss me now and then ok?

Ramble ramble.....

On MC today. Nothing serious. Just a nagging sore throat and a reluctance to get out of bed; body aching. Could have dragged myself to work but I'm too tired...

Received a call a little while ago from the gym but I missed it. Didn't recognise the number when I returned the call. Nobody knows who called. I'm not sure either if it was the sales team or the trainer who called. Waited till the line hung up. Decided not to call again or message the trainer to find out. I'll be biting my own tongue of I do right? But my heart was pitter pattering a little when I heard the receptionist say 'California Fitness Orchard'.... haha. But I'm not buying into the 'oh, it must be fate' talk either. Don't believe in such things because one, your fate has been decided by God long ago; two, you can decide your fate. It seems like a total contradiction doesn't it? But it's not. Think about it. God has decided our fate, but He also gives us the freedom of choice to choose as we want.

Had a talk with a good friend last night and told him that he's been misinterpreting some stuff he's reading on my blog. Yes, it seems as if there are two different persons around when you read my blog and hear me talk. But if you look closer and try to understand me deeper you'll see it's really the same old me. I'm not really in any kind of dilemma or too confused to figure out what's going on in my life right now or even too swept away to know what's best for myself. I am very clear of what the consequences are if I make certain choices and take certain actions. I have never been, and is certainly not now, a giggly girl easily swept up by puppy love or crushes. And I certainly do not subscribe to them. Ha. My friends from eons ago will testify to that. Kekeke...

Today while I was at the clinic, I thought of HIM and the last time HE went there with me and I got a little sad. I remembered all the sweet things HE used to do for me and how HE would always fuss over me when I say I don't feel well or show tiredness. Sigh. Please don't get the wrong idea k, I'm not grieving here. I'm just reminiscing. Hey, you would miss even a dog or cat if it went missing right? What more a guy you've loved for over two years?! Give me a break.

Whoever called, please call again. I hate not knowing. Set my heart at ease please. Sigh... haha.

Ramble ramble.....

I know I've changed. I'm doing things that I didn't used to. I'm accepting things that I didn't used to. Then again, I've often wondered before is it only because the company I used to hang out with do not do the things I'm doing now and not because I'm really biased against it.

After all, there's always a rebellious streak suppressed somewhere inside me. I know how I would have turned out if I didn't have family and friends who cared and God guiding me all these time. I know my subbornness have driven some up the wall many times and they often don't know how to convince me otherwise. Then again, I have always accepted and bore the consequences no matter good or bad because they were my decisions afterall. I never expected people to clean up my shit.

I've been thinking: I'm still loving HIM but I've chosen to let go and lock away that love and concern. It's really only going to keep me down if I remember every little thing that he likes to eat and do, every time I walk by some old haunt or see something familiar. Besides, I can't be waiting my whole life for HIM to turn back and love me again. I want to love and be loved. Being single can be a choice, but often it is chosen only because there are no better choices anyway. No one likes to be alone and live alone. Singles are always surrounded by friends and work because they don't have someone to come home and talk to. You can get used to being alone and learn not to cry at night. You can even learn not to show your loneliness and put up a stoic mask; but it doesn't mean that in the dead of the night or when all your friends have no time for you and you have too much time for yourself to start thinking about life that you don't start to yearn for someone to hold you and just listen to you talk.

God never meant for Man to live alone. God wants Man to live in a loving relationship with one another. God wants us to share his love and multiply it.

Now, to find someone who wants the same as me. Hee.

p.s. Today's my granduncle's death anniversary. I miss him. A year ago on this day I cried and HE was there to dry my eyes. Today, my eyes are dry but HE'S not there anymore.

Ramble ramble.....

1, 2, 3 Hop.

4, 5, 6 Skip.

7, 8, 9 Twirl around and round.

Sigh...

Was out with my Pretty and bro last night. Went down to MS again with them. Fact is I was not the only one who wanted to step back into 'the pub'. Unfortunately other than being packed, we couldn't find our reasons to stay on either. Headed down to N.B. and stayed there the rest of the night. Left early. Too tired.

So where did he go last night? *ponders deeply*

It's only the third day. Another 11 days more to go before I can punch in his number. Hopefully by then I'll feel so much better, surer and clearer-minded. It's terrifying to crawl out of one cesspool only to fall into another one.

I think I have this incessant need to be loved and to love, almost to the brink of being obsessive. It's not healthy. I'm just tying a noose around myself and the other person. Was that why HE left? Or is it because HE left that I now have this insane fear and insecurity? Really, honestly, I think I should stay away from men and relationships for a long long long time. I wouldn't be rational if anything happens now. $W%&Gh^F(% the trainer for appearing in my life now. Everything was just settling down nicely. Now I'm jolted out of place again.

Thought on a tandem: if he doesn't hang out there on Friday nights, then it has to mean he really deliberately brought himself down last Friday when I said I'll be down. Why? He didn't call me when he got down anyway. What's his game?

Poor Bel, all her ramblings are always about men. Mindless clueless men.

Oohhh..... I feel like I'm about to explode. Got to keep busy otherwise my fingers are gonna do their own walking to the phone and start texting him. URGH! Don't flirt with me if you are not interested in me. Wimp. Can't even follow through the flirting and teasing. All talk and no action.

1, 2, 3 Jump.

4, 5, 6 Curl.

7, 8, 9 Fall.

Ramble ramble.....

Tired.

Disappointed.

Where's he?

Not there.

Can't call him.

Shouldn't call him.

Didn't call him.

Where's he?

Miss him.

Sigh...

Ramble ramble.....

My ex-colleague from Mediacorp just called.

One of the big shot Senior Executive Producers of Chinese Dramas on Ch8.

Hee.

Singapore Idol?

Star Awards?

The Next Big Thing?

Ha.

Lunch with him next week. Yea, finally get to act with Vincent Ng.

HAHAHAHA

Hmmm... sshhh.

Ramble ramble.....

She walks down the lane.

She turns the way she wants to go.

She doesn't look the way where the bike used to be. It has slipped her mind to do so more and more.

She's at peace.

Last night I had a dream again, cannot remember what it was but remembered who was in it. And HE came nowhere near it. In fact, it was a dream about the trainer. Haha, probably because I saw him last night.

No, I did not date him. I was out with my babe and her friends in MS and he happened to be there too. (OK confession time: when my friend asked me to head there I did wonder if he'll be there too and it was partly because I had hoped to see him that I went. Oops. Hee.) Anyway, spotted him but kept my distance and presence from him. Until we went over to the club next door and he walked by me. I decided I should just say hi so I reached out to touch his arm. He was surprised to see me. (Told him before that I'm not the clubbing sort. Haha. )Anyway, thereafter I did keep away from him, always pretending not to see him but always observing him from the corner of my eye. In fact, he was always the one who called or reached out to me when I walk past. Hee. Only gave him a smile each time. Then, he came over to my couch and raised his bottle to my glass. No words spoken, only subtle smiles were exchanged . My group of companions were surprised (except for babe because I had pointed him out to her earlier); well I don't think I would be picked up at such places this easily k?

The rest of the night just went by with him walking in and out of the room... Was it just me or did he cast glances my way every time he comes back in? As I was leaving I thought I saw him telling a lady about me. They were looking in my direction.

I just left. Didn't say goodbye.

His behaviour around the ladies got me wondering. I'm not comfortable with what I saw. Too friendly and touchy-feely with all of them. I'm not jealous, just thought that if he behaves like that with every lady then I need to re-evaluate what has transpired between us this far. What's his game? What are the rules? Will this be how it is going to be even when he is spoken for? I will be very disturbed.

Pity.

Well, two weeks. To cool off everything and I'll call him for that 'second date' and find out more.

When will I see you again
When will we share precious moments
Will I have to wait forever
Or will I have to suffer and cry the whole night through
When will I see you again
When will our hearts beat together
Are we in love or just friends
Is this my beginning or is this the end
When will I see you again
Are we in love or just friends
Is this my beginning or is this the end
When will I see you again...

Hee.

Ramble ramble.....

Kekeke, I'm actually admonished by some people when I don't write every day and update them. You're all such caring people (aka nosy parkers, hahahaha....)

Okay, here's the update:

Last night was quite an enjoyable session (although my bum is aching and my legs are like jelly now), both because of the workout and the bantering with the trainer. But as some people are so uptight with the last few days' entries, I shall not relate last night's details here. Haha. You'll have to call me to find out. But here's what I'll say: He asked me for a second date so I'm assuming that he did enjoy the date on Saturday night, contrary to what I thought earlier. I did not answer him yes or no. I won't call or message him on my part for two weeks just to let things settle and cool off a little. (Damn it's hard! And today's only the first day, haha.)

And the bonus I found last night? He used to attend church. Nope he's not a Christian or anything he just felt like going so he went. Hey! At least that's a step in the right direction right, to all my cynics out there. Maybe next date can ask him go church with me. Kekeke...

I guess I'm still feeling hurt and disappointed and betrayed. But I know I wasn't as adamant as I was even just a month ago. It's not simply because I met someone who is interesting me. Even before that I had decided that I should just let go of everything and be kind to myself. I want to be loved and I deserved to be loved, everyone does. I can choose how I want to be loved and who I want to love me. For now, I'm not too sure yet but at least I'm getting back out on the scene and accepting people. (ok, but that doesn't mean you go around matchmaking me alright!? And I still reserve the right to reject. Hahaha.)

Ouch..., maybe I should claim that massage session too... hehe *wink wink*. Guess who's the masseuse.

Ramble ramble.....

p.s. Had this crazy idea to direct him (the trainer) to this blog. Hahaha... Sheesh. Just imagine...

AHHHH...... (contented sigh)

*smiles*

It's a memorably sweet night.

Ramble ramble.....

I am Jesh!

Find out which of Kelly's friends you are at kelly.moranweb.com.


You are the otherworldly Jesh!

Are you short and blonde? Well, I don't care. You're Jesh anyway.

She is the extroverted, witty whippersnapper, with a comeback and sarcastic retort on hand at all times. Her creative genius has led her to be a storyteller and... a creative genius. We love her humo(u)r**, drama, and exquisite writing, but most of all, we love making fun of her. Oh, newsflash: "I AM NOT SHORT! I AM *PETITE*!!!" says the Jesh. Did I mention that she lies?

**And what a CUTE little English accent the little dear has!


'Hehe, yes I am that productive at work. Hey it does seem to describe me quite aptly. Ha!'

Haha, yes I'm bored at work. Got a few to things to finish by end of this week and I'm still sitting on my bum doing naught. Haha.... I just can't concentrate at work... feeling tired today also. Think I might be falling sick, throat hurts. It was swollen this morning.

Ok this morning my heart skipped a little. Here's why:

11:32:04am - 'Sweetie, tonight 7pm remember?' (aahhh, how nice to be greeted like this in the morning. kekeke...)

11:32:25am - 'Trying not to... Haha' (honestly, still contemplating if I should cancel. What's the point of turning up to be shown how the machine works when I know I won't sign up??!! Ha.)

11:34:07am - 'Huh? Why?'

11:34:11am - 'Never mind, I'll see you tonight then. Do I call you when I'm there? (decide I should just be cool and normal. Don't overreact.)

11:36:05am - 'Just come to the counter and look for me.'

11:37:05am - 'Ok, be nice tonight. Don't break my bones.' (wasn't flirting here, honest! Just trying to tell him don't be pushy on me.)

11:40:11am - 'Okay I'll give u my TLC' (WOW!)

11:39:55am - 'I'm going to hold you to that.' (ok, I'm flirting here. Hehehe.)

___________________________________________________________________

There's this friend I lurp deep deep and he was nagging me last night. He was just trying to irritate and get me to tell him 'I hate you'. Nope, not going to work like that. He's worried about me and what's happening to me. I'm not on a rebound ok! Quit nagging and worrying. Haha. These past three days, when the two men comes into my mind, one has begun to fade and blur while the other is coming into sharper focus. Haha, no prizes for guessing who's who. Good or bad? Guess it's a good thing that I AM REALLY MOVING ON NOW. Bad if I allow the new guy to screw up my mind and emotions again. See, I do know what I should beware of and what is the wiser choice to make. I'm not totally blind and lost yet.

As usual, if you've got a comment, tag on my board. Don't call or message me. Urgh!

Meanwhile stay tuned for tonight's update. Will it be another anti-climatic end to this affair or will something exciting take place?

Ramble ramble.....

I am the princess (...with a pea)!

Find your fairy tale character at kelly.moranweb.com.


Alas, the quaint princess (and the pea).

You! Yes, you... the one with the sensitive bum.

You're lovable and cute but very picky. That's why we don't like you. I mean.. that's why we're so damn fond of you! The only real problem I had with you was the fact that you stole my mattress just so prevent a bruised tush. Jeez, I need to see my psychiatrist about speaking out of turn.

I'm completely down-to-earth!

Find your soul type at kelly.moranweb.com.



Earthly. Realistic. You're simply down-to-earth.

You are the most in touch with knowledge. It's the tree of life from which you tap the sap. You know what you want and you know how to reasonably get it.

Virtues: You respect people with plans. When someone has their head on their shoulders, you know that they can see straightforward and keep their eyes on the mark. When it comes to looking at the future, you take a logical approach: what's within your ability? A fortunate attribute that you have is the ability to set a goal for yourself, higher than maybe you feel possible, but still keep yourself within reasonable bounds. You take the time to appreciate those surrounding you and they do appreciate you in return. Decision-making comes naturally to you when you take the time to consider each option. People only come to talk to you when they are looking for a logical, reasonable solution.

Aspirations: You have an idea of what you can do with your life, but you push it up a notch. You need a profession that you can enjoy, so work towards it. You want to live near your friends and family while being as far away as possible. You also want to settle down while working in excitement and variation.

Quirks: You don't appreciate drama queens and they don't appreciate you. When they need help, they won't seek you out because of your ability to see through their overly dramatic predicaments. You have leeway for humor, and sometimes love to participate in it, but when it becomes irrational behavior, others can count you out. Loud noises are bothersome, except when they come from you or your friends.

Factors: Reach for the sky! Don't decide to do something because you're merely good at it, but choose something you might like to do, despite whether you're sure you can master it or not. Don't only save room for a few empathetic friends, but open up to everyone.

Future: When looking for a job, if you work in all of your talents (logic, decision-making, planning, and definitely humor), you'll find yourself happy. Come to a compromise for location; live nearby your friends and take periodic vacations or live farther away and take frequent return trips.

HUNGRY!!!

I'll marry the guy that bring me food now. Char Kway Teow, no cockles. Hahahaha.....

Ramble ramble.....

I was so pissed. Now I'm still feeling a little sore. Never mind...

K, can't work today at all, tried to write my reports and all I can hear is 'dong dong dong' and 'drrrr drrrr drrrr'. Haiyo, All that hacking and drilling driving me and my colleagues nuts. And the air-con broke down. ARGH!!! We're all going to wear bikinis to work tomorrow. Hahaha...

Ok, woke up this morning my thought was on the new fellow. Hmm, well at least it's a change from HIM... Mmmm, was talking to my friend last night about what has been happening and how I feel about all these. I'm just glad that I had finally figured out, well sort of, what I should do after tomorrow because I know I would have gone up to him (the new fellow) otherwise and just tell him straight in the face that I am attracted to him. Hahaha... Lucky, my decision is to let sleeping dogs lie and just let God take charge what happpens thereafter. Can you imagine me going: 'Hi, just want to let you know that I am attracted to you.' Duh... hahaha.

I'm giving myself two weeks to see if I still keep thinking of him and how I feel when I think of him. Then again, after two weeks everything might have died off which is just as well. Kekeke, of course during these two weeks I won't contact him on my part (or I'll die trying k?!) but doesn't mean I won't answer his call or sms if he does. Hahaha...

Haiya, basically I think I kind of stop him in his steps on Saturday when I told him that I don't think this is a good time for me to meet anyone yet as I'm still not able to give anything of myself as of now. Maybe that's why suddenly the evening seemed a little awkward thereafter. *shrug* Whatever.

Then again I'm so worried what if this guy, or the next guy, can't love me the way I want to be loved? Sigh, can't penalise WS for not trying. He did do his best. I am very 'fan4 jian4', hahaha.

Ramble ramble.....

Renovation works has started in Bedok Home. So noisy. Can't hear myself think. Phone lines are all down. Hahaha... no need to entertain boliao calls.

Shit.

Been thinking about the two men the whole morning. Thank God for a dreamless night, at least I'm getting some reprieve in my sleep, for the time being. The whole of yesterday I kept checking my phone for messages, from the new fellow. Haha... kind of disappointed there was none. Haiz... So last night while I was at A's place lounging by the pool, I asked her if and can I text him instead and she said why not, doesn't have to mean anything. So ok, I text and asked what he was doing. Maybe I shouldn't have, but then I suppose everything is how you want it to be only. If you are not expecting anything then you lose nothing. Relativity.

The strange coincidence is that the both of them share the same Chinese surname. Ha.

What am I feeling now? Heartache when I think of the one that has gone. Apprehension when I think of the one that has just appeared. It's a lot of assumptions on my part especially when it comes to the new guy. He might not even be interested in me in the first place. Kekeke... After all, I don't really know him at all. Neither does he know me. He's just someone I met thrice, had dinner with once. I"m just surprised at myself that I can be attracted to someone at the second meeting. I must be going nuts. HA!

Ramble ramble.....

I don't know why I'm feeling the way I do. But the more I try to work it out the more confused I get. I had the weirdest dream ever last night. I was in a wedding gown and I was getting married. Standing next to me however was HIM one minute and then when I looked again it was my trainer. haha.... They are so similar, one reminds me so much of the other and it's not just the profession. Their characters and behaviours all mirror each other so much. Of course, the new guy is much more mature having had gone through more and being older. I can't even tell if I am attracted to my trainer because of his looks and wit or because he reminds me of him?! Then again, last night's date was quite anti-climatic after Friday evening's highly-charged flirting session. But wait, was it all just on my part only? Hmm... Anyway, don't intend to see or contact the new fellow anymore after my session with him on Wednesday. Previously, I had to put up with thinking of HIM everyday, now, I got to make room for a second guy, so tiring!

Honestly, this is only the third time I've ever felt something for a guy. And my problem is, I hate waiting around for things to happen. I'm always jumping the gun to find out for myself 'what now'. I have no patience to 'let Time run its course'. I hate wasting time guessing and second guessing what the other person is thinking or wants. Just tell me straight.

Sigh. Guess that's about as much as I can figure out for now.

Ramble ramble.....

Hmmm... Still haven't figured things out yet. Confused about how I'm feeling and what I should do next. Shit.

Later.

Ramble ramble.....

Isaiah 58:11

The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.

I have things to say. I don't know what to say. I feel funny. I don't feel anything. Got a lot on my mind. Can't think straight. Confused. Clear-minded. Heart's thumping. Heart's numb.

ARGH!

I'm tired... Will talk tomorrow.

Ramble ramble.....

Couldn't sleep. The mind was restless the whole night. Feeling a little confused and disoriented. Don't know why things are happening the way they are.

I was looking forward to last night's session at the gym and that is such a rarity for such an inactive slop as I. Not quite sure if it was because of the trainer (haha) or the conscious fact that I want to make changes to my lifestyle and am now more open to embrace new things. Whatever. But the thing was when I was down at the gym, I did not feel any of the insecurities I used to feel when embarking on new things. I was on some kind of high it seems. When the trainer finally showed up and was taking down my recods and everything things started to roll along. Guess it started when he took my blood pressure,and my systolic reading went well over a hundred and this has never happened before! He was kind of amazed and ask if I had high blood pressure to which I replied,:

Me: 'it's your presence.'

He laughed and said I bullshit.

Then he asked me this:

Trainer: 'any heart conditions?'
Me: 'a broken heart.'

He was stunned for a moment, guess he hasn't heard this line before at work. Ha. We crapped a little and then it came to my weight (which to the curious and uninformed, is 37kg):
Trainer: 'that is very underweight.'
Me: 'yes I know that.'
Trainer: (consults a chart and turns to me) 'that is seriously VERY underweight!'
Me: 'haha, yes i know that.'

Went on to take my measurements. Came to my waist and he just stared at the reading on the measuring tape around my waist and gave me an incredulous look. (it's 23cm, yes.)

Started asking me about my diet and lifestyle (aka execerise routine, haha). Couldn't figure out why the weight loss when I'm eating normal.
Me: 'it's (the weight loss) a condition that comes with a broken heart.'

And then he offered to mend my broken heart. Hahaha.... things started getting interesting then. We chatted for a while about my 'condition and ailment' until I suddenly asked if it has become a counselling session instead, which prompted him to offer showing me around the place. Ha.

He put me on the treadmill for a fitness test and we continued talking. That caused me to become breathless, and he remarked that my heart rate is very fast; to which I tried to convince him it was because of him. (HAHA, yes I was blatantly flirting with him)

He asked if I studied law. I said no, mass comm; law takes too long. And he said no wonder I can talk so well, got a reply for everything. Along the way he asked what was my plan for the night and I said I'm going out. And he asked me where. I asked if he wanted to meet me and managed to laugh and divert him to other topics.

Towards the end of the session, he asked if I wanted his number. Haha.... I told him I'll take it if he wants to give.

I also remembered that I had yet to reply him where I was headed but decided I shall wait for a little longer to conclude if I wanted to tell him. Over dinner, he sms-ed me and said I've not told him yet where I'm going. I decided to tell him and it took him about 15mins before he replied that he's headed that way too. Which made my friends all concluded that during the lapse he was trying to get people to go where I'm going to create the 'oh, what a coincidence' syndrome. Kekeke.

So anyway, at the end of the night he messaged me and asked me out but I told him I was already home. Then he asked me out the next day, to which I replied ok. Here comes the dilemma: I'm not sure why I agreed to go out with him. Yes he's good-looking and interesting but the underlying suspicion is that he reminds me of the other HIM.

There are other parallels to this issue but I shall end here for now as it seems to be getting too long.... Ponder on it for me ya and then tag me with your opinions.

Ramble ramble.....

Is anyone eager or even interested to know what happened last night? Or should I say, the night before last??? Hee hee, don't care I shall say it anyway. I had a nice time, really. Never imagined that one day I'd step into a pub thumping with music and all smoky and still have fun, but I did. I admit I was too anal-retentive before and always thinking how it is so not me therefore I am not open or receptive to invitations to such places.... Walking in to the place with my friend I noticed how men turn and looked at us (not just me k, my friend also very chio one). When we sat at the bar, the gazes followed too and they kept coming back. It did feel good after everything that has happened to know that you are still getting second looks, guess it helped soothe the bruised ego a little of being dumped so unceremoniously...

And just as I was enjoying the company, the music and the conversation, he just had to pop into my mind and disrupt the good feelings... haiz. Suddenly I was thinking how nice it'd be to come with him to the pub, what it'd be like if he were there with me... Shitty isn't it?

The conversation with my friend almost sparked a flicker of hope in me but I quashed it before it had a chance to start flaming. She's now engaged to her boyfriend. They too had a period where they separated from each other. It was a long time but they got back anyway. Hearing it made my heart surge a little with the thought that just maybe, I might still stand a chance too. But, before the thoughts suddenly run away with a will of their own, I gave myself a mental slap and woke myself to reality and my commitment to lift everything to God. It's hard, but as Time helps to numb the pain, it gets easier to brush things aside and pretend it isn't there. I still want a family, a husband to cook for and children to care for. My own home to clean for. But sadly, these dreams still have him in them, and try as I might, right now I cannot imagine otherwise. Therefore, I told myself, I'm not going to think such things anymore.

Barni was hilarious. As I came through the gates, it hopped to 'greet' me and started sniffing my shoes (newly bought!) and tried nibbling at them, wouldn't leave me alone even as I tried to move away... haha. And then, when it realised I've put my shoes where it can't reach it decides to smell my smelly feet instead. Hahahaha..... Ooh, and I think I will call it 'BAI MEI' (meaning 'white brows') because it's got such long white brows sticking out all over the place. Kekekeke.... And also because of that funny Hong Kong actor in Quentin Tarantino's Kill Bill 2.

Tomorrow another exciting day, but I'll wait till tomorrow to tell you... :D

Ramble ramble.....

Hmm....*giggles* Hot date with friend tonight. She told me to doll up, We're going to play pool after dinner. Lots of men around... *blush* kekeke.... I don't know how to play... it's ok I can always learn. Have fun mocking myself tonight first. haha....

Ooh, my Home Director told me to go get a digital video camera for my use this weekend. Kekeke, I like my job... And she say anytime got courses relevant to my job I can go sign up, whether or not I have to pay. Yea! I already know what I want to sign up for, kekeke... I like my job...

Ramble ramble.....

Got caught in a light drizzle as I made my way to work, didn't want to bring umbrella, used my TODAY as shield instead, hahaha....

This morning as I looked upon my bunny, a thought suddenly came into my mind. He would have loved the bunny. He adores pets and animals, even more than I do and most men I know. He's got this soft spot for them, once when his luohan and terrapins died he was so upset....

As I was telling a friend, I can't control my thoughts and feelings, but I can control what I do with them. Here, I'm just sharing my thoughts and feelings with you. It doesn't mean just because I'm telling sob stories I have to sob in front of you too. Right now, I'm not suffering from split personality, I just prefer to be happy when I'm with friends rather than wear my emotions on my face.

Was feeling a little down last night as I left my aunt's place. I had gone over to tutor and babysit my cousin and by the time I left it was almost ten. And she lives all the way in southwest which is VERY FAR from home so I have to take cab if I want to reach home early... And this is what brought me down. I hate going home by myself after a night out, especially if the place is far from home and inconvenient. At times like this I can't help but miss him so much. He was always there to pick me up if it got late and he never minded the distance. Haiz... had to call C to talk to someone on the journey home. Otherwise I think I will feel sorry for myself again.

Memories, they are all that's left when Time has passed you by.

Ramble ramble.....

Barni Wabbit op op op.... hahaha... so fun to play and feed my barni wabbit... and it follows me around like puppy also.... kekeke

S said this afternoon she ate the barni wabbit she had before. YEWL!!!! And she's wondering how barbecued wabbit ears are. Somebody call the SPCA!!!

I'm tired. Got a full week, of afterwork activities. Hahaha.... Ok lah, work got loads to do also. Sigh.

Ramble ramble.....

MSN - IM window pops up
He: how are u feeling?
Me: 'clicks close button'

What do you say to someone whom you have no idea what to say to? And after all this time of silence and pretence what else is there left to say? What is he hoping to hear? What does he want to know? He already knows my reluctance and unhappiness over the break-up. He knows how much I had wanted to start all over again with him. But I have committed myself to put a stop to all these. Being disappointed time and again and hurt repeatedly has drained me. I am not able to function properly and normally. I hate feeling inadequate and insecure.

Do I reply: I'm going great without you! Never been better. Or do I say: I still miss you now and then. Or do I say: What's it to you? It's none of your concern and worry anymore. I could have said all those and more. Or none at all. But nothing will make any difference. I know I will definitely sound sacarstic no matter what I say because I don't understand why he still bothers. Being hard on him is definitely easier for me to move on, as he kept telling me to.

Am I strong? I don't really think so. I'm more of a weakling because I'm taking the easy way out by simply feigning ignorance. I'm afraid that if I break my silence and speak to him, all the effort I put in in pulling myself together and rebuilding my wall will come tumbling down again. I really have no more energy to deal with that anymore.

Does it mean I no longer love him or want to be with him? No. It just means I have stopped thinking about everything to do with him and us. I have committed this relationship (or not) to God and I'm taking a backseat from now on.

The evil about this is ever since I've made this committment, it seems the devil is out to crash me, by sending subliminal messages and suppressed memories back to the fore of my mind, trying its hardest to pull me down. How hard I had to pray to God to let it pass and grant me peace. Haiz....

I will survive...

Ramble ramble.....

Ooh! My brother just brought home a 'bunny wabbit'!!! He found it on the way home and he said there were about five or six others in the area... Hmm, the owners either treat their rabbits like dogs and believe they will make their own way home after a 'walk' or they have too many of these furry things. It's not the first time I see a renegade hopping about the neighbourhood. My parents saw it too. but we just never did anything like my brother just did! Hahaha.... It's kinda cute. Hmmm... Roy, I know what you're thinking, it's not going to go under scalpel! Shoo!

Ramble ramble.....

Haiz.... why am I sighing? Because I confess that I have been thinking quite a lot about him these two days. I have never stopped thinking about him for a single day, it's only a matter of how intensively and how much. And these two days everything seem to trigger off a memory. And if I let my guard down, I know I will slip back again into my melancholic mood, which I absolutely refuse to do. One thing struck me though, I had never thought I would actually miss riding on a bike, feeling the wind in my face and holding on tight to the man you love. But I do. I miss that intimate moment belonging to just the two of us as we ride on the bike. Will I ever stop thinking about him? I doubt so.

Was talking to my mum today about my outings with 'guys'. She's still insisting that I shouldn't go out with a guy I'm not interested in as I might be leading him on. I had to remind her times are different now, going out with a guy doesn't mean you are interested in him. Friends hang out with one another, never mind if they are male or female. Besides, no guy nowadays will automatically assume that just because you went out a couple of times with him you must be attracted to him. Puh-lease! Was telling her that I have a friend who drives either of his parents 'branded cars' alternately and she was commenting that it's not his anyway. Then I reminded her that when I went out with this guy who OWNED the 2 porsches he had she commented that he was too old too. So what is her ideal man? 'Someone young and rich, who owns his own fancy car'. So I pointed out to her that if the guy is young, it's unlikely the fancy car he drives is his. If he owns the fancy car he drives, it's unlikely he's young. so what gives? She pondered for a moment and laughed 'oh yea, I say a lot hor?' DUH.

Met my group of guy friends for dinner. Don't know what's with them today but they couldn't stop shooting remarks at me. All in good nature but which leaves me speechless to retort. I think they're trying to make me name them on my blog tonight. Not yet. One fine day I will disclose their identity. Haha...

God is good amen! I love this guy!!!! Muack.

Ramble ramble.....

I'm tired..... talk tomorrow.... I like my new skin.... hee....

Tomorrow I go ice-skating..... not done that since I was 13??!!! Ha! whatever came over me to do it now, next up tennis!!!

Ramble ramble.....

Too tired last night to ramble....

I saw him online yesterday and the conclusion is that he's not contacting me on purpose. Anyway, it's alright because I didn't really feel like I used to when I saw him online previously. I am pleased to say I was quite at peace. On the other hand I can't lie and say I am totally devoid of feelings of any sort cos that's not true. I did feel a twinge of sadness and regret here and there, now and then but it's not strong enough to being me down anymore. Do I still love him? I think I still do and always will but I have simply decided that it shall be kept away in a corner and never be mentioned anymore, but maybe on my dying day... haha. Haiz...

My mum's been asking why am I hanging out so often with a group of guys where I'm the only girl. Ha, what's wrong? I'm not leading anybody on, we are hanging out together on our own free will each of us and we are simply good friends who happened to be 99% male and 1% female. They are treating me like a guy anyway, cursing and swearing in front of me, and they don't cut me any slack just because I wear skirts. They 'suan' me all the same.... And to all my other friends who are wondering the same, we just get along. Period. Although we've not known each other for long and the circumstances under which we met I'd rather not repeat, we are able to communicate and understand one another quite well. So there.

The irony of life is really just so. I've refused to exercise or even visit the gym he was working at in the past, even when he can get me a free pass for a week. I hated hanging out at drinking holes and balked at the thought of doing anything more physical than getting into bed. And now here I am, going for drinking sesssions so often and always thinking of the next physical activity to do. I even went down to collect the 2-weeks free pass to California Fitness I won in a lucky draw yesterday. haha.... Ok no I didn't turn into an alcoholic or pubbing queen, just that I'm no longer adverse to the idea of hanging out at such places. Tennis anyone? Or maybe you'd like to go down to the gym with me these two weeks, I've got a pretty cute looking trainer.....haha. My mum called me dumb this morning, for not making full use of the 'free' one I had before. And she admonished me for not being giving in to him enough, God if she knew how much and what I've given him I don't think she'll be saying this anymore...

Anyway, one damper. The principal of St. Marg's Secondary passed away yesterday. Just saw it in the newspaper. Although I was not her student but I've worked with her before. I don't know her that well and there are comments I'd keep to myself now but I can see she really loved the school and she did do quite a lot to give the school the exposure and recognition it is getting today. It's still sad when someone you know leaves suddenly. Maybe I'll pop by her memorial service on Wednesday during lunch.

Ramble ramble.....

Ok, changed a new skin for my blog. The last one had the girl 'running away'... haha. Dumbz say I didn't pay her enough that's why...

Onto a more serious note, my grandmother was diagnosed with diabetes. Her blood sugar rose to 500 from 200 in a few months. Seems like her pancreas is no longer producing insulin that's why... sigh, and she has such a sweet tooth... She had everyone scolding her for eating too much sweet stuff and drinking to much soft drinks. Yes, my grandmother eats and drinks as much sweet stuff as any young person. She actually stocks up on sweets and soft drinks in her home. Sheesh... Now I'm banning all, giving everything sweet in her fridge away. Poor thing, it's her birthday this saturday and I ordered a big durian cake for her, she loves durians.... now I told her she can only blow the candles, cut the cake and take pictures. No cake for her....

Guess I've prepared myself a long time ago that she will one day slowly dysfunction bit by bit and the day will come when she's leaving. So I'm not too upset about her diagnosis. I always believe that as long as I treat her well when she's around and she knows I love and care for her then it's alright. Afterall, she's going home to the good Lord what, no more suffering there, better right? But I know I'll still cry when the day comes......

I love her a lot. More than my mum, heehee. While everyone else had their mum caring for them when they were growing up, I had my grandmother. Until today, she's the one whom I feel really bad upsetting, even over my mum. Hahaha.... I pray she'll be able to overcome this obstacle as she had her previous fall, which was bad. At least live long enough for me to earn enough to pay for a holiday for her.

Ramble ramble......

Due to technical problems with the skin, please bear with this simple layout for the time being. For those who have comments and remarks, hold your breath!

The rain poured. It was almost as if it's telling of the emotional upheaval I'm going through with my decision this morning. But in a strange subliminal way, I was at peace, with myself and with the situation. Most of all I was subservient to whatever God has in store. The sadness will not go, but one has learnt to be contented with the present.

It's funny how unconscious we are of our daily habits till we change them. Never realised how much I subconsciously reach out for the ring always till now when I reach out and it's not there anymore. When one is not looking it sure feels like it's still there. Just like how you think the person is still there... hahaha....

I tried very hard today not to look down the lane where he always used to park and wait for me. And I did it. Silly isn't it, to always walk down the lane and still half-expecting him to be waiting at the end of it.

Ramble ramble.....

I finally did it.

I have just slipped off the ring and put it back into the box. There was a slight twinge of reluctance tugging at my heart but I guess it is necessary if I am to surrender totally to God's hands. It is one of the last strings of attachment that I have to cut away to free myself.

It feels funny to see the ring mark but not the ring, to feel the ring and yet it's not there. Am I sad? A little but I can brush it away. No more excuses between me and God. No more excuses for a person who doesn't care for them. No more excuses for myself.

Ramble ramble.....

Sometimes wisdom hits you in the strangest place at the strangest time. I was washing the dishes this evening when God's words leapt up at me. I had read about a girl's struggle with God's authority earlier this afternoon and how she had problem surrendering ALL to God although she had seen His goodness on her family and she herself knows of her love she had problems submitting totally to God as she wanted to try things out herself. Sounds pretty much like me. And although I had gradually begun to let go of many things and emotions, I had yet to confess to God all my sins and weaknesses and I know this was one last step I had to take for total release. Before God can work His power in me, I had to open up myself to His hands.

It's a slow and painful process but I think I'm getting on the path now. It tough but it's getting easier. What I was once afraid of letting go and forgetting I now think it's not such a big deal anymore. It's sad but I can seek peace in God's love.

Ramble ramble.....

S told me that Dumbz remarked to her mine is the saddest blog he's ever read. I think it's the saddest blog I've ever read too. I hate this feeling of not being able to let go. I hate being affected to the point I can't do anything. I hate waking up in the middle of the night in cold sweat or crying myself to bed. I hate thinking of him every corner I turn every step I take.

I tried hating him, it didn't last very long so it doesn't work very well. I know I've changed. Where once I would be hot and bothered about many things I now just laugh at it and wave it away. Things that I once wouldn't even consider I now don't mind trying out. Is this a pathway to doom or a road to more open-minded lifestyle? Have I learnt to be more accepting or just plain undiscerning?

Ramble ramble.....

There was a girl.

She couldn't understand the world around her. How people can hurt others the way they do. How people can do the things they do. And she got frightened.

She thought, 'if I build a shelter around myself, a place for me to go to when I am afraid, then it doesn't matter when the world is in chaos'.

And so she built, layer by layer, brick by brick. Until it was enough to shield her from the storms of the world.

One day, a boy stopped by her little shelter. He told her many stories of how beautiful the world can be too. Finally he invited her to go see the world with her. He promised to hold on to her hand and never let go.

She took a look around her little shelter and peered at the road leading out of the shelter and into the world. It looked bright and sunny, but dark clouds were looming in the far horizon. She was a little scared. But the boy again reassured her he will not let go of her hand. Thinking that the clouds might have been blown away by the time she neared the horizon, she took a deep breath and held on tight to the boy's hand.

Together they stepped out of the little shelter and made their way down the little path leading to the world outside.

Along the way, they had alot of fun. The boy was always holding on tightly to her hand. And whatever she wanted to do he would always go along with her. Sometimes the sun went behind the clouds and the shadows came out. During these times, she always trembled in fear. But the boy never let go of her hand. Whenever she got too frightened and tried to run back to the shelter he would always comfort her and hold her close.

One day, the sun went behind the clouds again and it took a long time before the shadows went away. This happened a few more times, sometimes there were light drizzles too. Although the boy still held on to her hand, he was not holding on as tightly as before. He also began to walk farther apart from her. He talked to her less too and whenever she asked he would always say everything is fine and that he will never leave.

The shadows danced around them more often now. And the drizzles have turned into showers. They were both tired from walking. The girl wants to build a new shelter for both of them. She wanted them to have a resting place to go to when they are tired. But the boy just kept quiet and kept on walking. The rain made it difficult for him to hold on to her as tightly as before. There were times when they were walking on their own, apart from each other. It was difficult to see the road in front too. The rain has begun to sting their eyes as it pelts down on them.

One night, in the middle of a storm, the boy turned to the girl and said 'I'm sorry, but I'm tired now. I don't know how to go on anymore. I'm letting go of your hand now'.

The girl begged him not to leave. She was very frightened. She didn't know how to go back and where to go on to next. She told him 'Let's have a break and rest ourselves. We're both tired. But I don't want to let go'. However the boy did not hear her pleas at all.

Before she could reach out for him, he walked into the darkness, alone...

The girl could not see around her. It was darkness and rain everywhere. When she stretched out her hands, she could not see them. She did not know where to go. She called out to the boy but the rain and wind drowned out her voice. She walked on in circles around herself.

She slipped and fell many times in the rain. She was bruised and bleeding all over. She was wet and tired and frightened. Many times the thunder and the howls of the wind caused her to drop to her knees trembling and shaking...

One day, she turned her head to look behind and saw the sunshine peeked weakly through the storm. She decided to walk back towards the sunshine and back to her little shelter. And so she picked her sore and aching body up and began to make her way home.

As she walked out of the storm and shadows into the sun, her clothes and hair began to dry and her body began to heal. Sometimes when she passed by a spot where she and the boy used rest and play her eyes will let down a tear or two. But she reminded herself he is gone, into the rain and shadows.

Soon her eyes picked out the familiar outline of her little shelter and she took in a deep breath and held her head high as she quickened her steps. Before long she was standing in front of her shelter.

She began to clean up the place and continued to rebuild her shelter. She raised the walls of her shelter and closed up all the doors and windows. All that was left was a tiny little skylight that let in a stream of sunlight.

Although she is lonely she knows this is the only way where no one else can come into her shelter again and persuade her with sweet nothings into a dangerous world. A world that she will not be able to take on by herself.

All she has left are the memories the boy left behind.

Ramble ramble.....

I have a sexy voice today..... hahaha

I realised that so far I've been rambling on about him. Which I suspected would be the case if I did start blogging but which I tried very hard not to do.... haha, too bad so many things happened recently.

Last night went dinner with Wayne and A. I can't explain why I like Wayne, I've never really hung out with my teachers or lecturers before but Wayne is cool! You can talk anything under the stars with him, even raunchy haha, but at the end of the day, he still feels like a mentor. Love you Wayne!

He was worried I think. After he dropped me off he told A to take care of me. Think he can tell last night my life's not so great currently. I tried hard to be jovial but just can't get in the mood..... even I could tell something was wrong. haha...

I think I give off vibes that makes people think I have to be taken care of, looked after. And they go around telling my closer friends 'take care of her'. Hiaz.... appreciate the concern and all. I really do. But sometimes it stifles me. I don't see myself as a greenhouse shoot so I can't understand why people think I need to be protected. Afterall I am more like 'nobody's child' from young... which a particular someone once assured me I was no more that..... Ha!

Ramble ramble.....

Please........... don't call me after you've read my thoughts. I don't know how to handle it. I know you're all worried and concerned but I only get dissed cos I really don't want to talk about it. Can we all just play charade? Say what you want on the tag board k?

I love Wayne. Hahaha......

The heart is slow to learn
The heart is slow to learn
These feelings that I feel
Are foolish but they're real

I'm wise enough to see
This love will never be
And each day's like the last
When living in the past

I now it's mad
And you won't return
But then as I have said
The heart is slow to learn

I've never loved
As I have loved you
Why is love cruel
I wish I knew

Say what you will
It doesn't matter
Until I die there's only you
Until I die there's only you

The heart is slow to learn
The heart is slow to learn
You'd think there'd be a way
To shut out yesterday

Perhaps if I just thought
Of all the times we fought
I'd try to live(?), but no
There's still no letting go

I know it's mad
And you won't return
But then as I have said
The heart is slow to learn

Why is love cruel
I wish I knew

Say what you will
It doesn't matter
Until I die there's only you
Until I die there's only you

Why is love cruel
I wish I knew

Say what you will
It doesn't matter
Until I die there's only you
Until I die there's only you

The heart is slow to learn

I used to like the music before really understanding the lyrics. Now the words seem to echo my thoughts and pains. Deja vu.

Ramble ramble.....

I'm being haunted.

The sleep was disturbed.

The last two days I once again woke up with a jump in the morning, frightened
out of my sleep by I don't know what.

And all it took was a wedding to let all the demons out. Truly, it'll be easier to slay them all if only I had hated him a little. But I really don't see the rationale in hating when he won't feel anything and I'll turn into a bitter person.

How do you forget a person? How long does it take? When will the heart stop bleeding and the tears stop flowing? When will the wounds start to close and the hurt start to heal?

What have I done wrong? What have I done to deserve this kind of zombie-like life? I've only ever loved him too much, more than I loved anyone. That was my mistake. Now I understand why God says we must love Him above everybody else, because only He can love us back in the same way and we will be guaranteed that we will never be let down or forsaken. We humans are such fools.....

All these pretences that I'm alright and happy when all I want to do is crawl into a hole and cry. C says I have a spilt personality. Actually I have multiple personalities.

I've decided to pack away everything to do with him. Especially the photos. It tears me apart to do this but I can't bear looking at them anymore. You might laugh, but it's especially hard when it comes to the soft toys. Because they were like the kids we wanted to have.... ha... and each one was bought for a reason and a story. Can you even imagine the turmoil a mother feels in giving up her child?

Can't work today. Came into the office and answered all my emails. That's all I've managed. Tons of work to start on but I just can't focus...

Ramble ramble.....

I want to be in love.

I want to be married.

I want to have children.

I want to have my own home.

I want to be an april bride.

I want to be married in the park and sunshine.

I want to have flowers and music fill the place.

I want to have two boys and two girls.

I want to wash and cook and keep home for my man.

But I only want it with one person.

Going to the wedding was a VERY BAD idea. I thought I would be able to take it and that it's not going to bother me. Guess I was dead wrong! I didn't even bring my tissues along cos I didn't think I'd need it. As i was sitting right at the back of the church watching the event unfold before me, visions of how I want my wedding to be kept flashing across. That was the first sign, but I didn't see it then. Only when I saw the bride walking in and seeing her happy, eager, contented smile do I realise how badly I wanted that to be me. Tried for a moment to keep the dams closed but it didn't work. Before she was halfway down the aisle I had to walk out, the tears were just raining down my face uncontrollably. Walked to the back of the church and I was just bawling there.

Must have frightened a few people who walked by. They must be wondering why this wedding guest is so emotional. haha... So much for meeting new guys at weddings. Deep down I know I'll never be able to let go or love someone else again. I don't want to love someone else anyway. So to all the guys out there, if you are out there, sorry. There never was a queue.

I've stopped hoping and expecting his return. But I never stopped wanting it. I still dream about it and fantasize about it but I'm not kidding myself it'll ever happen.

Please, stop inviting me to anymore weddings. I am happy for you but it makes me sad. And if I should say I'll turn up, somebody! Stop me. Tie me to my bed if you have to but don't believe me if I tell you I can take it.... I won't know when I'll ever be able to take it....

Ramble ramble....

Why do I always do things that makes me bang my head against the wall? Despite all better judgement I actually messaged him and asked if he wants to meet!!! DUH. And honestly I knew he was going to find some excuse to say no. Said he's meeting a friend and might not have enough time, eh... I haven't even stated time lor... but then just as well... He was kinda wary too I guess as he asked why I wanted to meet. Sigh, can't we even just meet as friends? He was the one who said he'll be okay being friends. If I remembered correctly I was the one who had a problem with that.

S suggested that I write a blog all about him for him. At first I was thinking SIAO! but I guess it's actually a good idea as it lets me pour out everything inside me, like I'm really talking to him. Only thing, I won't be showing it to anyone, not even him. may be on the day I die.... which S promised she'll help me tell him where to look.... Thanks!

BTW, I'm so jealous of S's new blog. Ok, so I'm new to this but you don't have to change yours to such a fantastic looking one right.... I've not even figured out how to add the message board yet! And to think A was yelling in HER blog that I was a nerd for acing my computer classes back in poly. ha!

Attending a wedding tomorrow, sigh really didn't feel like going. No mood. But as P probably valued my friendship enough to invite depsite the fact we haven't really caught up all these years I guess I should go. Only that couples and weddings depresses me ALOT nowadays.... Well, anyway, weddings are a fertile ground for meeting other singles, so I'll just look my best and turn up tomorrow. Who knows what will turn up. After all, it's God's territory so HE might have something planned. hahaha... yea, dreaming on.....

ramble ramble.....