I want to be in love.

I want to be married.

I want to have children.

I want to have my own home.

I want to be an april bride.

I want to be married in the park and sunshine.

I want to have flowers and music fill the place.

I want to have two boys and two girls.

I want to wash and cook and keep home for my man.

But I only want it with one person.

Going to the wedding was a VERY BAD idea. I thought I would be able to take it and that it's not going to bother me. Guess I was dead wrong! I didn't even bring my tissues along cos I didn't think I'd need it. As i was sitting right at the back of the church watching the event unfold before me, visions of how I want my wedding to be kept flashing across. That was the first sign, but I didn't see it then. Only when I saw the bride walking in and seeing her happy, eager, contented smile do I realise how badly I wanted that to be me. Tried for a moment to keep the dams closed but it didn't work. Before she was halfway down the aisle I had to walk out, the tears were just raining down my face uncontrollably. Walked to the back of the church and I was just bawling there.

Must have frightened a few people who walked by. They must be wondering why this wedding guest is so emotional. haha... So much for meeting new guys at weddings. Deep down I know I'll never be able to let go or love someone else again. I don't want to love someone else anyway. So to all the guys out there, if you are out there, sorry. There never was a queue.

I've stopped hoping and expecting his return. But I never stopped wanting it. I still dream about it and fantasize about it but I'm not kidding myself it'll ever happen.

Please, stop inviting me to anymore weddings. I am happy for you but it makes me sad. And if I should say I'll turn up, somebody! Stop me. Tie me to my bed if you have to but don't believe me if I tell you I can take it.... I won't know when I'll ever be able to take it....

Ramble ramble....