I am feeling frustrated lately. Really upset.
Yet I have no voice to speak up and no one to listen to. To be honest, even if I did I doubt I would know what to say.
Sometimes I feel like crying. But no tears come.
No tears, no relief. No peace.
Yes. I have alot of strong opinions, but most times they are just an expression of what I think. I never ask that they be accepted or be regarded as the gospel truth. It does not mean that I want to pick a fight or change everyone's minds to think like me.
Sometimes the things I say gets taken the wrong way and the stuff I write does not quite reflect the whole picture.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
Life is sometimes so strange. God works things in His own manner and timings.
You read my previous entry saying how I am now feeling so relieved because I have finally let go of all my hurt and anger and frustrations and expectations and hopes.
That was true, but somehow along the way together with my relief, I seemed to have detected some backing down from my family. I do not know if I am right to say it is guilt or regret they are feeling but somehow it seems so, especially coming from my mother. I sense this effort on her part to 'normalise' things with me.
Which of course I am not giving in so easily or stepping down so fast. Not because I enjoy making them miserable or having the upper hand. But because if I backed down so soon things will be back to square one again. This time, I really want to put an end to this vicious cycle, one way or the other. I do not want to live like a second-citizen in my own home anymore. Really, if I cannot change you, I will leave you. That is how I want to live my life from now on if I am to have the peace in my heart I long for.
And today, out of the blue, I received an apology from my sister for having been nasty to me when she could have been nice. Again I am not out to make things difficult for her, but I do want her to realise the severity and sad plight of things.
It takes two to clap, I cannot want something on my own when it involves so many people. But if others do not want the same things I do, then what is the point in forcing it?
You read my previous entry saying how I am now feeling so relieved because I have finally let go of all my hurt and anger and frustrations and expectations and hopes.
That was true, but somehow along the way together with my relief, I seemed to have detected some backing down from my family. I do not know if I am right to say it is guilt or regret they are feeling but somehow it seems so, especially coming from my mother. I sense this effort on her part to 'normalise' things with me.
Which of course I am not giving in so easily or stepping down so fast. Not because I enjoy making them miserable or having the upper hand. But because if I backed down so soon things will be back to square one again. This time, I really want to put an end to this vicious cycle, one way or the other. I do not want to live like a second-citizen in my own home anymore. Really, if I cannot change you, I will leave you. That is how I want to live my life from now on if I am to have the peace in my heart I long for.
And today, out of the blue, I received an apology from my sister for having been nasty to me when she could have been nice. Again I am not out to make things difficult for her, but I do want her to realise the severity and sad plight of things.
It takes two to clap, I cannot want something on my own when it involves so many people. But if others do not want the same things I do, then what is the point in forcing it?
