It has been a crazy couple of weeks for me, work was really hectic and the schedule gone all nuts. My health is suffering too. Not to mention my poor purse in footing those medical bills. Sigh.

But, I was enlightened in a moment of casual browsing at the bookstore: I am only as stressed as I allow myself to be. I cannot change the environment or other people's actions towards me, but I can change my reaction towards them. Therefore, I will no longer allow that crazy bitch to get me down anymore. I will do what I can within reasonable limits and only if I choose to do so. With regards to all her unreasonable and tyrannical demands I shall tell her I am not able to oblige, she can either change her demands or change the worker. Ha.

Not had much time or mood for anything else. Dates? Bah. Gatherings? Erm... Shopping? Sigh.

Well, you get the drift...

I am beginning to think perhaps I brought upon myself the mountains of work; because I spoil those people by obliging them with whatever they want, never mind the hours at which they request the work.

For example, we were at a meeting just now and it was a good hour after my OFFICIAL working hours. The project chairman requested that I finish some work 'by tonight'. And all I could muster was 'of course'. Ha. Fat hope. Because all I wanted to do this week was to go home early! I was not even for going home on time, just early enough for me to have some chit-chat time with my family members before I zonk out into oblivion.

Of course, I did pack the work home and convinced myself I will finish it at home. But, knowing me very well, I knew of course the work will never get done once I hit home. Just like schooldays; my homework NEVER gets done at home, only in school. I cannot explain why I just know I am never in the mood to do work at home. Perhaps it is a good thing anyway. At least I get some sort of reprieve somewhere. I know, sometimes I still do work at home but that would be a situation where the work REALLY needs to get done.

Well, at least now I know why I am in this predicament. I am too obliging. Too capable.

Haha, ok. I was just trying to feel good with that one...

But I AM good! HA.

Well, judging from responses from all quarters over the past few days, no one seems favourable of me being soft-hearted on HIM, except for my sister... Haha.

I cannot help it if I have a soft spot for HIM, now can I? Yet the whole affair is crazy. Not to mention it could not have come at a worse time, the present being that wretched woman tormenting me at work. Tonight was another rough night.

Haiz.

The last few days, in quiet moments to myself, I find myself in the urge to cry. A sense of lost and helplessness I have not felt for a while. And this feeling is back after months of fighting back loneliness and grief, just when I have begun to find meaning in what I do again, with my total absorption in work.

Why did HE not come back two months earlier, when I was still holding out for HIM? Why did HE choose to come back into my life at this point, now that I have just begun to put the past behind and look forward to new things coming my way? When I have just decided that I will no longer move in HIS shadows? It is killing me inside. Can anyone see my hurt and dilemma and confusion?

Can anyone understand now why I feel angry at God? Why I feel He is playing a joke on me? At my expense? First He gives me a guy, then He takes him away. And now He is returning him back to me when I have given up hope of ever being with him again. Oh God, just what do you want from me? What is the meaning behind all these?

Of course it is easy to say since I have decided to move on, HIS return should bear no effect on me anymore, but are things really that straightforward? Can we humans really be so single-minded? What happens to all the vows I have made for us, between us? Does it no longer hold? Is this not what I had been wishing for? Why am I in a dilemma then? Whether or not there is another man in the picture is not so much the issue. Rather it is IF I still want to be with HIM. And honestly, I really have no idea. I really have no answer to that. I do not know what I want. Not anymore...

I really do not know what to do...

That same night on the day I met HIM, HE messaged me to say HE is waiting at the field near my place and would like to speak to me, could I go meet HIM? I ignored the message and pretended to be asleep. Then HE called me. I refused to answer because I have nothing to say and do not know what to say. On the third call, I could not take it anymore and picked up the phone. I told HIM I cannot go out (it was 12am already and I was not feeling well. The night was a little chilly.) HE can say what HE wants over the phone. HE said HE just want to see how I am. Asked HIM did HE not just saw me in the morning? I asked HIM what it was HE had to say to me and HE just kept saying nothing, HE just wanted to see me.

Then came the million-dollar question: 'This morning that guy your new boyfriend ah?'

Me: 'No.'

HIM: 'Or is it husband already?'

Frankly I have no need to answer those questions. HE has no need to know either. But when HE asked, I did not have the heart to brush HIM off and I did not want to lie.

Does it mean I have softened my stand and am considering accepting HIM again? Or does it mean I am telling HIM 'no' because I am secretly hoping HE will be encouraged by the answers to come back to me?

No. I simply do not want to lie to HIM about what is or not, whether HE has any need or right to know. I did not have to heart to be curt because I did not want to hurt HIM. To me, HE is like a little lost boy right now. While I have no desire to being this lost boy into my home, I do not have the heart to leave HIM out in the rain either.

Sigh... I know I am not doing HIM any favours or justice if I go soft now. Neither am I being fair to myself to have to go through all these again. But it really hurts to have to hurt someone, especially someone you loved.

That night HE also shared that HIS grandfather is in hospital and in a critical state. To have HIM sharing something as personal as this with me very much points out that HE still cherishes me and wants to be back with me, right?

One other thing HE asked was if I was still waiting for HIM. I asked HIM if it makes any difference if HE knows and if I am. Previously, no matter what I said HE will tell me to move on and not to wait. Sometimes HE will say spiteful things on purpose to hurt me. That night, HIS reply was there was nothing HE could do if I insist on waiting. Well well well... If this is not telling what is?!

This afternoon HE called me again and asked about placing an orbituary in the papers. Well, I have not done this before and of all people why did HE come ask me?

Yes, a part of me is aching for HIM and feels sad for HIM, not just for the death of HIS grandfather; but more so because HE is now behaving in this manner.

I spent a little time thinking about this. I am just so tired with the way we were going on. I am happy now the way I am. Of course I was happy being with HIM but I really have no wish to revisit the unhappiness we had too.

Besides things have changed.

Things are different.

What is HE up to again this time?

IT was supposed to be a straight-forward meeting. Pass me my things I pass you yours. Say thank you, take care and bye.

Why do you bother who the man who came with me was? Why bother asking if he was my boyfriend? Why say things like you noticed I am not wearing my ring anymore and I look good now and hope I am happy with my boyfriend OR husband.

Why ask if I am still staying where I was? Why do you persist in finding out the answer when I ignored you? Why do you even ask in the first place?

In all honesty, I did not feel anything when I met HIM just now. Which is good right, as it will mean I am really over everything now. In any case I did say I will not ask to meet HIM until I am able to see HIM and not feel anything more for HIM. I have done that.

It is my day off. Yet I got up even earlier than I usually do on days when I have to work?! No I did not choose to. I just woke! Sigh... Why is it on days I have to work I cannot get up and on my days off I cannot stay alseep? This is such a torture.

And my stress-induced cough is back. It is quite bad too. Signs my stress level is high:

1) The eczema patches on my back are flaring up
2) My cough is back
3) Insomnia
4) Nightmares - of work
5) I am hyperventilating - tight chest and breathlessness
6) Giddiness
7) Jelly legs
8) Less tolerance for incumbence
9) Beginning to curse and swear

and the worst, in my opinion,

10)I am beginning to binge and stuff my face with food!

This is getting serious. No joke.

Need my favourite doctor for some TLC.