That same night on the day I met HIM, HE messaged me to say HE is waiting at the field near my place and would like to speak to me, could I go meet HIM? I ignored the message and pretended to be asleep. Then HE called me. I refused to answer because I have nothing to say and do not know what to say. On the third call, I could not take it anymore and picked up the phone. I told HIM I cannot go out (it was 12am already and I was not feeling well. The night was a little chilly.) HE can say what HE wants over the phone. HE said HE just want to see how I am. Asked HIM did HE not just saw me in the morning? I asked HIM what it was HE had to say to me and HE just kept saying nothing, HE just wanted to see me.

Then came the million-dollar question: 'This morning that guy your new boyfriend ah?'

Me: 'No.'

HIM: 'Or is it husband already?'

Frankly I have no need to answer those questions. HE has no need to know either. But when HE asked, I did not have the heart to brush HIM off and I did not want to lie.

Does it mean I have softened my stand and am considering accepting HIM again? Or does it mean I am telling HIM 'no' because I am secretly hoping HE will be encouraged by the answers to come back to me?

No. I simply do not want to lie to HIM about what is or not, whether HE has any need or right to know. I did not have to heart to be curt because I did not want to hurt HIM. To me, HE is like a little lost boy right now. While I have no desire to being this lost boy into my home, I do not have the heart to leave HIM out in the rain either.

Sigh... I know I am not doing HIM any favours or justice if I go soft now. Neither am I being fair to myself to have to go through all these again. But it really hurts to have to hurt someone, especially someone you loved.

That night HE also shared that HIS grandfather is in hospital and in a critical state. To have HIM sharing something as personal as this with me very much points out that HE still cherishes me and wants to be back with me, right?

One other thing HE asked was if I was still waiting for HIM. I asked HIM if it makes any difference if HE knows and if I am. Previously, no matter what I said HE will tell me to move on and not to wait. Sometimes HE will say spiteful things on purpose to hurt me. That night, HIS reply was there was nothing HE could do if I insist on waiting. Well well well... If this is not telling what is?!

This afternoon HE called me again and asked about placing an orbituary in the papers. Well, I have not done this before and of all people why did HE come ask me?

Yes, a part of me is aching for HIM and feels sad for HIM, not just for the death of HIS grandfather; but more so because HE is now behaving in this manner.

I spent a little time thinking about this. I am just so tired with the way we were going on. I am happy now the way I am. Of course I was happy being with HIM but I really have no wish to revisit the unhappiness we had too.

Besides things have changed.

Things are different.