The last few days, in quiet moments to myself, I find myself in the urge to cry. A sense of lost and helplessness I have not felt for a while. And this feeling is back after months of fighting back loneliness and grief, just when I have begun to find meaning in what I do again, with my total absorption in work.

Why did HE not come back two months earlier, when I was still holding out for HIM? Why did HE choose to come back into my life at this point, now that I have just begun to put the past behind and look forward to new things coming my way? When I have just decided that I will no longer move in HIS shadows? It is killing me inside. Can anyone see my hurt and dilemma and confusion?

Can anyone understand now why I feel angry at God? Why I feel He is playing a joke on me? At my expense? First He gives me a guy, then He takes him away. And now He is returning him back to me when I have given up hope of ever being with him again. Oh God, just what do you want from me? What is the meaning behind all these?

Of course it is easy to say since I have decided to move on, HIS return should bear no effect on me anymore, but are things really that straightforward? Can we humans really be so single-minded? What happens to all the vows I have made for us, between us? Does it no longer hold? Is this not what I had been wishing for? Why am I in a dilemma then? Whether or not there is another man in the picture is not so much the issue. Rather it is IF I still want to be with HIM. And honestly, I really have no idea. I really have no answer to that. I do not know what I want. Not anymore...

I really do not know what to do...