Still coughing. Getting worse too. *sulk*
Spent a long time writing my entry last night. Now every single word is gone. Don't know what's wrong with the connection, so volatile, keeps hanging and reconnecting. Let's see, can I recall what I wrote last night...
I said Barni bit me. Think he was too hungry. Went for my finger instead of the cabbage. Quite a bad cut, coming from such a small furry thing. Ouch.
And I also said I was out last night at MS with my brother. Was actually contemplating going home when he called. Couldn't find a movie to watch and nowhere to go. Decided to meet my brother and his friend after all. On my way to meet them I passed by 'that pub' and who should I see walking in front of me but him (the trainer lah). Talk about coincidences. He was on the phone and I decided if he is to see me he will, I will not call out to him. So I continued walking behind him and finally passed him at an arm's length, my arm's length! And still he did not see me. Blur or indifferent? Haha. Don't know. Mmm, don't really care either honestly. Not something I want to get hung up about.
My brother and his friend went into the pub with me much later anyway and although I saw him twice more I don't think he noticed me. Oh well. I'm small. Haha.
I guess what I want to say most about yesterday was the sudden change of mood that swept me up so suddenly that I couldn't even fathom why. How does a person cope when the heart goes on a roller-coaster ride without notice? One moment I'm enjoying the moment as it is, with no anger, no grief, no bitterness and no anticipation or expectation. The next I'm overwhelmed with waves of nostalgia and sadness, regret and heartbrokenness. I have come to think that once your heart has been broken enough times, the shattered pieces will be too small and too insignificant to feel any other hurt anymore, because it would have ceased to exist. What has taken over the space is only a haunting vaccumm, a gaping hole where once there was love and contentment. That's how I'm feeling nowadays, that how I am now. I'm only deterred by the persistence I have to not let it get me down. It doesn't matter anymore whether or not I meet another person, if I ever love again. If I can ever trust again. Sometimes once you have sorted it out and is able to find contentment in what you are and have, happiness follows. I guess I still believe in love and happiness.
166 days; 24 weeks; six months
152 days; 21.5 weeks; five and half months
70 days; nine weeks; two and one-quarter months
51 days; seven weeks; one and three-quarter months
Days and numbers.Yes I have been keeping track. Each and every day is a count-down. I don't know to what. Silly? I agree. But it offers some sort of perverse comfort, when I look back and am able to see at a glance how long it's taking me to start all over again. What do they mean? Only I know. Maybe some of you can guess. But you really don't need to know.
I have ceased to hope. And I no longer care.
Ramble ramble.....
