Has anyone ever wondered why it is so hard for some people to forget someone, while others never once look back? Do you ever ponder when you are sitting alone and all quiet whether somewhere in the world someone is thinking of you at the very same time? Does anyone understand the mentality of giving yourself to total abandonment?

I have.

I am still wondering how a person who is loving you so much can simply give up, no matter what the reason. I am often wondering if sometimes when he is all alone and lonely does he think of me and miss what we had. Sometimes when anger and bitterness hit me, I do things without caring what the consequences might be. Because I am thinking it does not matter if bad things happen to me. When I cross the road without looking out for traffic. When I return late and deliberately walk the dark way home. When I fall sick and put off going to the doctor. These are times when I have no self-worth. I cannot comprehend the significance of my existence when a man who professed to love you so much just gave up and walked out. I question the importance of my being if that man could not see it.

I have raved at him countless times in my head and beaten him to a pulp many times over in my mind. But I know when I see him I only want to run into his arms and stay there forever.

I thought I was over the sadness and the mourning. I thought I was over him. Again, I thought wrong. Tonight, I find myself crying for him to return. To come back to my side and to hold me in his arms. I find myself wishing to hear him tell me everything is alright and that he never left. The body aches from want of his embrace. The heart bleeds from the harshness of reality. I hate myself for succumbing to the torturous agony of what is. I hate myself for not cherishing the people in my life who DO care about me. I hate myself for not being able to see through his callousness. I hate myself for still holding on to the past. I hate myself for not loving me enough.

Maybe I will go after all. Leave this place for a while. Meet new people, do new things. Live a different lifestyle. Maybe when I return, I would be able to face him again without that twinge in the heart. I may have filled up that hollow in the chest.

Do not call me. Do not message me. Do not ask me how I am. For I cannot answer 'I'm fine' and I do not want to pretend that I am.

The Rose

Some say love, it is a river, that drowns the tender reed
Some say love, it is a razor, that leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love, it is a hunger, an endless aching need
I say love, it is a flower, and you, it's only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking, that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking, that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken, the one who can't seem to give
And the soul afraid of dying, that never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long
And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong
Just remember that in the winter, far beneath the bitter snow
Lies the seed, that with the sun's love in the spring becomes the rose.

Is my love a river that drowns;
Or am I the drowning reed?
Am I the razor that cuts;
Or the bleeding soul?
Have I fed the hunger;
Or am I the hungry one?

I have danced and taken the chance.
I have given, more than I thought I had.

Why then, am I the lonely one at night?
The one crying for another chance.
Is it winter or spring?
Is my heart bitter or warm?

Will I know love again?

Ramble ramble.....