Ok, I'm ready to talk. I think.

Many things happened since I last blogged. And that was about three or four days ago. First of all, 'inconnectivity' hampered my blogging. Plus work has been really hectic the past week, with too much time wasted doing stupid stuff and being out of the office. Anyway, am not going to talk about work. It reminds me of the stupid woman and the stupid work she made me do. Got another meeting scheduled with her and her committee this coming Thursday. Hope I survive that...

The past week was really a mess. Work did not go as I had wanted. Progress was hindered. And I had thought I would only go down to the pub on Friday but I ended up going down everyday except for Monday. Sheesh. Too much. Not that I did not have a good time, I did (it helped me destress and let go of my work for that few hours!); but I think it's really too much to be down everyday, not just a toll on my sleep but also on my pocket. Haha, of course if I could solve the problem of having someone to pay for my drinks and rides home I would be more willing to be down. Any takers? Anyway, the sudden increased trips down were due mainly to the fact that a friend from out of town came by for a week and having no where to bring him in the nights that seemed just as good an idea as any other... Of course, I will not deny that I went down partly also because I was hoping to see the trainer there. Unfortunately, he was not down at all the whole week. Not even on Friday, which was the pub's founding group's anniversary celebration. I'll come to that later...

Thursday:
My brother's finally graduated from his training as a police cadet! He is now a sergeant and currently awaiting his posting to the division. Thursday was the night of his graduation dinner and I attended with my parents and grandmother. I think my father was trying to play it cool but you can see the pride oozing out of all his pores. Well, at least he did not rub it in in front of me or I would have said something spiteful. Haha. It's just so unfair how he is always so critical and unkind with all of my work and achievements. And he is always finding new ways to put me down and just crush my spirit. It really hurts me how it seems that no matter what I do I'll never measure up to his expectations and satisfactions. Anyway, I'm very happy for my brother and I am proud of him too. I thank God that he is doing so well and so outstanding in his squad. This is such a far cry from the little boy who used to cry at every littlest thing. Haha. He grew up well. And such a charming ladies' man too... Kekeke. After the dinner I went down with him and his friend to the club to meet my friend. Some things happened there which made all of us wonder: 'what the %$^"?' Simply put, some guy did something funny in front of us and we were left wondering his intentions. Duh.

Friday:
You can imagine the crowd. People everywhere. Amazingly, we managed to find a cocktail table and later a comfortable sofa seat inside. An old friend came down and he bought the drinks for that night. Ended up drinking more than I would have any time. Came to a point when the performers were dancing on the bartop and my foreigner friend and I decided that we would dance on our table top too. Haha, it's just a coffee table... and we were in a corner, so I don't think we attracted to much attention. There, at least I've danced on a table top in a pub before. Not such a prude anymore huh? Haha. Anyway, I was talking to this old friend and telling him about the trainer and how I am feeling and what I am thinking I should or should not do. His words to me were that if I think I am ready and really want an answer then I should just do whatever I want to.

To give a clearer picture of the situation I'll sidetrack a little: You see, being a Christian and not puts the issue in different perspectives. My Christian friends tell me I should wait and leave everything in God's time and will. Non-Christian friends all tell me the same thing: Do what you want, when you want, if you are ready (emotionally, mentally). Of course, there are also people who think that this guy is not worth the trouble and agony, and certainly not worth the hurt if things go wrong. This I agree totally and therefore regarding this issue, I honestly have no expectations and deep desire. I have not put all my emotions in yet. In this way, if things really do not happen as I would have liked it too, then the hurt and disappointment will not be that great either. Of course, being a Christian myself, I know that I am to surrender all to God and await His decision patiently. However, being only human and an impatient one at that, I find it really agonising to be just hanging around waiting for something, anything to happen.

In the end on Friday night, I texted the trainer and asked him if he was around. When he said no I asked if I could meet him the next day and he said ok. The problem was I could not remember exactly what I wrote as I was kind of tipsy by then. Needless to say I felt really stupid the next morning and wished I hadn't done that the night before. But I cannot take back my words right? Hiaz... Remember I had said that if I saw him I would say things out right and be done with it? As I had not seen him the whole week and it was beginning to bug me, therefore I thought 'why not just meet him and thrash things out?' Ha... ha... ha...

Saturday
I really could not figure out how and what to say to him yet. So I spent the whole day wondering and waiting. Wondering how I should speak to him and if I should go ahead with meeting him. Waiting for him to tell me what time he can meet and kind of dreading it at the same time. Funny contradictory emotions.

Confession time: on Friday afternoon, I went down to Orchard with my friend S for a movie and I got a call. From California Fitness; again offering me another two-weeks pass to the gym. Hahaha. Ok what happened was I played this online jack-pot game where one of the top prizes was a year's membership to the gym. Honestly, I did not think I would win or be picked, much less be given the pass twice! Of course, playing it in the first place was trying to win that membership. Do I really have to say why? Duh...

Anyway, in the end I went down to pick up the pass with my brother and we were both persuaded to sign up for a year. He was of course persuaded by other reasons although he claimed that it was to accompany me and it was time I started exercising.

On Saturday afternoon I got a message from the trainer and he asked in surprise if I had really signed up. I told him ya but did not mention that I joined with my brother. He of course wanted to know why I changed my mind about joining. I told him it was because I did not get to see him at the pub and he was not calling me up and the only way for me to see him was to join the gym. He told me bullshit. Haha. Some of you might be thinking 'here she goes blatantly flirting again'. But if I'm telling the truth it will not be flirting anymore right? Hee. He asked me if I still wanted him to train me and I told him I don't know. I don't know what he's thinking. His aloofness confuses me and makes me unsure. In the end, I did meet him for a while in the evening during his break. He was not free to meet me later. The thing was, I went down to town with my brother, the guy whose arms he saw me in before. My brother was with me when I went to meet him but then he went off on his own just before I went up to the trainer. The trainer recognised my brother from that night and asked if he was my boyfriend. I asked if he looked like one and he replied why not, although he seems young. When I said it was my brother, he refused to believe me. *shrug*

We spent most of the time staring on the floor and in the sky, not talking much. It's hard to start a conversation with him. He does not proffer much, very alike to HIM and it took me a very long time to get HIM to initiate talking to me. The trainer said something to me which made me wonder if it was directed at me or whatever. He told me he's a very passive person and always prefers others to initiate. Is he trying to tell me something? Anyway, before the conversation was over, I decided I would wait a while longer before I say anything as all of a sudden, I'm not too sure of his interest in me anymore. Maybe it's just his laid-back character or maybe he really was never interested or have lost interest over time. I guess I just want to be more certain of his feelings before I say anything. It's kind of like deja vu, because in a way I was also the one who went up to HIM and asked HIM if HE liked me and if HE wanted to be with me. I really do not want to go through all the same motions again because I'm really petrified that things will end up the same again. Then again, as I've said before I do not like hanging around waiting for the other shoe to drop. I do not mind going up to the guy and saying just what I feel, if I am really that keen on the person. I would really just want to have it over and done with.

During the night I sent him one last text and I told him that I had actually wanted to meet him because I had some things to say to him, but I'll hold my breath for the time being as I need to know more about what he is thinking first. In any case, I was not flirting or teasing him just now or before. He wanted to know what I want to know. (this was where I was glad I had not said anything yet as it does not seem he is interested, either that or he's really daft) Ha. I told him Time will tell.

So that was how I spent my week. Crazy right? I'm going crazy soon if I can't let go soon. In all meanings of the phrase.

Gal told me to forget it. Said he's really not worth the shit and in any case, the intrigue is gone and besides I can find someone better. That's what EVERYONE said after HE left.

Sigh, what makes a man better than the other? How do we judge? Money? Education? Social status? Family background? Character? Religion?

It's telling isn't it? The kind of men I'm drawn to.