Thought-flash (as in newsflash):
I have believed and loved God almost all my life. From the time I can tell right from wrong and good from bad. It is not just because I grew up around God-loving people. It is also a very conscious desire to love and follow Him. I knew His goodness and mercy first-hand. Or do I?
No matter how bad things seemed and how low I felt in the past, I always believed that as long as my faith is in God and I waited patiently, rewards will come my way. In everything that went wrong I always tell myself that God has a purpose for putting me through this trial. I believed that the day will come when the meek shall inherit the earth.
But when is my turn to reap those rewards? I concede that I am not the role model for a Christian. I admit that there are many times and things that I could have done better. But I have always been on this side of the fence. I may not have always obeyed God faithfully but my heart is always after Him. Why is it then that I am now beginning to feel that I am better off going over to the other side? I look back and all I see is the hurt I was put through again and again; by my parents, by HIM... I feel so let down. Before I had to contend with my parents slighting of me, making light of it and turning to other things and people for solace and comfort. I had to seek another 'family' elsewhere. Everytime I work so hard for something, it still eludes me in the end. I pray hard and submit all to Him and I was asked to wait somemore. I found a person I can go to, who loved me and whom I loved and He takes HIM away from me. Why then, should I still continue serving Him? What will be my reward? Eternal life? I only want to be happy now. I cannot even fathom if I would be conscious when I pass through the gates, how do I continue believing that I will never cry again then?
Is this what I get for placing my faith in God? I never blamed Him for anything that happened. But I don't want to wait endlessly anymore. I don't want to be told to be patient and just trust. What am I trusting in?
If I die doing things my way, at least I know I can blame me.
Yes, I am in a great turmoil now. My heart and mind is at its most turbulent time yet. I just feel so tired and sick of everything.
