Well, I have comments these two weeks that I am beginning to dress like an auntie. Haha...

Your Fashion Style is Girly

You dress to look beautiful and show off what you've got Dresses, skirts, heels... whatever it takes to turn heads You love feeling like a girl in any setting Even your workout clothes are cute and feminine!

What's Your Fashion Style?

I am not a cat person. More of a dog person. Friends who know me will know. But these few days, I cannot help but lose my heart to a little kitty my brother brought home to cat-sit for his friend. Still a baby, a sweet one. I do feel bad having to keep him caged up within a small area we fenced up just for him. Yes, it is a him. Will try to post pictures some day, soon.

Well, I have decided to make one last attempt to salvage something. A relationship. A friendship. A history. A part of me. I do not want to look back and have to confess I just let it slip. It will not be easy or straightforward. But it will be necessary. Well, I owe it to myself I guess.

It will be pointless now to say who is right or wrong. It is not the issue anymore anyway. I just want to move on with a clear conscience and mind, I hate having unresolved issues hanging around me... Of course, it is not all my call. Everyone has a right to decide what they want.

I quite enjoy my current work and colleagues BUT I do not like that I do not get paid on time. It is not fair. I cannot understand why no one ranted against it. Why no one objected to it and raised opinions about it. No one is happy but everyone just accepts it grudgingly.

Weird. I shall spend some time considering if I will accept this nonsense as well...

Ha.

Your Ideal Marriage Proposal Is

After dinner at your favorite restaurant, at the spot where you first kissed.

What's Your Ideal Marriage Proposal?

Look at Simon's face, almost bursting under the weight of wet sand. Kekeke... 

Doggy Bruce is so smitten with Simon 

Pose of satisfied victory. Evil people they are... 

The three evil perpetrators, trying to bury poor Simon alive. 

Getting ready for X-film shooting. Haha.. 

'Zam zhuee long' Hehehe... 

I am watching a show, and there is this scene where the female lead is telling the male lead to forget their past love:

'I have stopped loving you. I am sorry. Please forget me. I see what's going on in your life now know you have a new love; and seeing you happy makes me contented. Neverending pining is too painful. It is sometimes a blessing to be able to let go of a love. Start afresh and hold on to the present love, because when there is an expiry date, it makes the love all the more valuable.'

I just want to tell my friends and anyone who is reading this that letting go of your love over someone does not mean you do not care about the person anymore. It only means your love for the person has entered another level, and that you have learnt to love yourself better too. I have every right to say this because I have been through this too. There was a time when I was hurting and pining and wishing I could turn back the clock and stop Time. But I realised that I have to let go of that relationship in order to treasure it more, and that I owe it to myself to live a happier life. It is only now that I have let go that I can look back and smile and appreciate what I had before; and learnt that I should treasure whatever I have right now even more, before it is time to let that go as well.

It is said that the only constant in life is change. Things change, feelings change and so do people. Only when we learn to take things easy that we are better able to appreciate the present. Otherwise in our midst of pining and longing, we too will take the things in front of us for granted too.

Some of my friends are feeling really low, some so stressed by work. I just want to say that happiness is a state of mind that you decide to be in. No one can bring you happiness if you refuse to let go of your sadness. Life will not be pleasant if your attitude is that it sucks. I learnt this the hard way.

So please, love yourself a bit more. Tell yourself only you can bring yourself happiness. No one else has the ability to affect you if you do not allow them to.

On a lighter note, I was at Sentosa last Saturday with some of my colleagues. It has been almost a decade since I willingly and knowingly agree to an outdoor event which I know I will sure get tanned under the sun. True enough, before the day was over I was burning on my chest and shoulders. Then I suffered the fate of a peeling face and chapped lips, despite all efforts to moisturise and 'damage-control'. I come to the conclusion that I was right to have avoided the sun for almost a decade. I really look funny tanned. Now that I am peeling on my face it does not make things any better... AND the hilarious thing is, I now have a palm-like print across my upper back. The amazing thing is that this print is not a tanned or burnt print. Instead, it was like someone had put his hand on my back while I was under the sun so that all other parts of my back is tanned except where the hand was. Eerie right? At first when my colleagues pointed out to me we thought it was white spots. But when I went home and took a closer look I saw that it looked like a palm on my back. The stranger thing was this print did not turn up till it was two days after the tan. It was not there on Saturday evening itself. I told my mum I must have been given a palm strike by a ghost during the night. Just like I used to have mysterious bruises over me few years back when I wake up in the morning. Heh.

Well, no low back for the time being.

I cannot get my comments window to work, so I shall make do with the tag-board once more, till I figure it out.

YAWN...

I did a search of my name on yahoo search the other day. Hmm, the other person who has the exact same name as me seems like an impressive lady who fights for the rights of coloured women in the States. Well well well. Interesting.

Been very busy and caught up with work. Good thing is I am happy. Seems like some of my friends are not that happy. If I learnt anything this year, it is that attitude plays a very big part in how your life turns out and if you are ever going to be contented or happy with the present.

Sure, life can always be better. But at least it is not any worse right? Being the greedy beings that we are, we will always want more and hope for more. But I keep reminding myself, everything is two-way. You cannot expect always only to take and never give.

Doing a 3-quarters report of my life so far, I got to say it is not all that bad. I got to travel quite a fair bit this year, learnt alot, seen alot; and I am pleased with the path my life is taking now. It sure is getting exciting for me as far as I can see.

Contentment is an elusive thing, easy to explain difficult to practice. I am glad I am feeling contented now.

Nights.

The pounding headache that had been plaguing me for a week is finally gone! One week of suffering exactly. And as quietly as it started it snucked off just as sneakily. I was almost beginning to think I had been possessed while in Phuket last weekend. No, do not envy me. I was there for work. And the entire time I was there I did not even get to go near the beach, spent all my time recceing the place for my company conference next month.

Anyway, I digressed. I just wanted to blog that the headache went off because I finally get to meet someone! Someone I have been missing and thinking about alot. Just seeing him makes all my aches and pains go away. It does not even matter that he spent most of the time we were together sleeping. Poor guy, overworked till he has fallen really ill. Just seeing him makes me happy.

Hee... *silly grin*

Will try to blog more and more often. Work has been really hectic, hardly have time to rest and sleep myself, never mind coming online or updating my blog.

Cannot resist one last one...

How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside. You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

How Do You Live Your Life?

Night. Tired... *yawn*

Yeah!

You Are 40% Boyish and 60% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch. Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes. You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them. You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage

You've dated enough to know what you want. And that's marriage - with the right person. You're serious about settling down some time soon. Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to!

What's Your Ideal Relationship?

What irony. Have been thinking lately maybe I would be better off single. Haha.

Hmm... 50% accurate. Go guess which 50... Hehe

How You Are In Love

You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often. You tend to take more than give in relationships. You need your space and privacy. You don't like to be smothered. You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

Quite accurate description. Made me snort in laughter. Kekeke.

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Winged Midget Your Superpower is Abnormal Brain Function Your Weakness is Snakes Your Weapon is Your Terra Lasso Your Mode of Transportation is Raft

What's your Superhero Name?

Some updates:

1. Just got home from business trip to KL office. 5hr coach ride each way. Slept most of the way. Hehehe...

2. Very nice hotel I stayed in. 5mins walk to office. Right next to KL's Mega Mall. Courtesy of boss. Haha. That is one of the perks for travelling with the boss, you get to stay where he likes to stay. Otherwise usually for staff we stay somewhere slightly farther. Too bad no time to shop at all.

3. Chest been hurting slightly these 2 days. Maybe it is the laptop Ihave been lugging around. For its size it is really heavy lor. Now I cannot breathe properly.

4. KL's food makes me go to the toilet. Not diarrhoea, but I keep wanting to go after each meal. Must be the water... Wahahaha...

5. Boss keep showing off his iBook and iPod. Making me itch for either one too... But boss's wife's toy more practical: external hard drive. 4GB for less than $200. The way these two been showing off, I better boost up my restraints against IT toys...

6. It is scary sleeping alone in a hotel room. Even if it is brand new and your boss is just next door. *shiver*

7. Gums bled bad last night when I brushed. Hmm... Teeth been hurting too... Time to see dentist again.

8. Bringing chewing gums back for colleagues makes me nervous at customs. Next time no more.

9. People miss my noise at work. Proves that they find me lively and interesting to have around. Hehehe.

10. Another long weekend with tonnes to do. Haiz.

Your Birthdate: January 21

Being born on the 21st day of the month (3 energy) is likely to add a good bit of vitality to your life. The energy of 3 allows you bounce back rapidly from setbacks, physical or mental. There is a restlessness in your nature, but you seem to be able to portray an easygoing, "couldn't care less" attitude. You have a natural ability to express yourself in public, and you always make a very good impression. Good with words, you excel in writing, speaking, and possibly singing. You are energetic and always a good conversationalist. You have a keen imagination, but you tend to scatter your energies and become involved with too may superficial matters. Your mind is practical and rational despite this tendency to jump about. You are affectionate and loving, but very sensitive. You are subject to rapid ups and downs.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

I am finding myself back where I was almost a year back, same predicament. Hopefully not the same conclusion. Nah, not unless I want it to be anyway. I am not referring to my job anyway, but related in a way. Haha. Well all I can say at this point is, I got to watch the signals I am giving out. I am happy where I am, how I am, who I am. Now. So I hope nothing will jeapordise what I have now.

On another note, I had a dream last night. Where I dreamt that some of my friends were upset with me. That suspicions were raised about my absence at 2 weddings. Sigh.

Sometimes I really feel caught between a boulder and a corner. Nothing I can and will do would seem right. Nothing I have to say would matter or sound right. I do not want to be defensive but I do want to be heard on what I have to say.

But probably it does not matter to anyone but me now.

Which Pirates of the Caribbean character are you?

I AM SO TIRED.

But in a good sort of way. If there is such a thing. I mean at least I am feeling happy at work and get along with the people I work with. They are a jovial bunch, sometimes downright hilarious and ridiculous. Even if sometimes their jokes are seriously 'BRR' *shiver*.

First problem at work: I am doing everybody else's work but my own. As in, I feel like a secretary and PA to more than just my boss, with everyone asking me to do things for them. End up I am always behind schedule for my own work. Before I know it, lunch time is here and barely have I returned from lunch than 6pm is here too. Sigh. How to finish? BUT, at least I am not staying late or bringing work home to do yet, or rather, I have brought them home but I always bring them back next day untouched. Hehe. So tired. It has happened more than once where I knocked out in my work clothes and make-up the minute I lay on my bed for a moment.

Other than that, I really enjoy my time here. Everyone is friendly and it is more than just work that we get together for... *However, I still prefer and miss what I was doing before. Guess life just never really ever goes the way you want it to.*

Work is bringing me places too. Leaving for KL and Bangkok next week, come back, function, then leave again. Whew.

Tired.

*yawn*

Night.

Your Kissing Purity Score: 69% Pure

For you, kissing isn't a casual thing Lip to lip action makes your heart sing

Kissing Purity Test

Your Brain's Pattern

You have a dreamy mind, full of fancy and fantasy. You have the ability to stay forever entertained with your thoughts. People may say you're hard to read, but that's because you're so internally focused. But when you do share what you're thinking, people are impressed with your imagination.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

Your Blog Should Be Purple

You're an expressive, offbeat blogger who tends to write about anything and everything. You tend to set blogging trends, and you're the most likely to write your own meme or survey. You are a bit distant though. Your blog is all about you - not what anyone else has to say.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

What Your Underwear Says About You

You like to think of yourself as innocent, even though you're not! You're sexy, in that pinup girl, tease sort of way.

The Underwear Oracle

You Are 40% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird... But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

Your Power Color Is Indigo

At Your Highest: You are on a fast track to success - and others believe in you. At Your Lowest: You require a lot of attention and praise. In Love: You see people as how you want them to be, not as how they are. How You're Attractive: You're dramatic flair makes others see you as mysterious and romantic. Your Eternal Question: "Does This Work Into My Future Plans?"

What's Your Power Color?

SO busy lately. And yet I feel I accomplished so little. Making such slow progress. A friend pointed out to me last night that my agony in the toilet could be due to my stress at work most probably. Ha. Anyway, a big bowl of laksa at the Parkway foodcourt this afternoon gave me the runs. So, systems cleared for the time being. Hehe.

I am so tired that I cannot find the time or energy rather, to do anything else. I set out to redesign this blog and look how far I got. Looks so bland now, never mind the look in reality hardly changed, just some stuff taken out for the time being and not put back yet.

Anyway, loads of traveling in the pipeline. Not to mention the weekly sessions of team bonding with the colleagues.

TIRED!!!

I just have to say this: 我终于排毒了!!! Haha.

Finally. Only one who has gone through the same agony will understand how I feel.

I can finally eat with relish once more.

I have not had a proper toilet session for almost a week now. Just can...not go... URGH! Talk about agony.

Thought-flash: my body is not the only thing having constipation. I think I have been playing great pretender for a while on some issues. Hee. Ah well, I can count off the top of my head a list of things I need to do but I am just such a procrastinator. Oh well. At least I am a happy-go-lucky procrastinator. I think. Kekeke.

On another note, what I thought was some cool-off time for all turned out to be a pretty big mistake on my part. I figured it will be easier to reconcile when defences are less obstructive but then maybe striking while the iron is hot is preferable to some.

I have been re-reading what I write before I post each time but I guess somehow I always come off sounding sacarstic and hypocritical (???!!!). But I do mean my apology and I am sincere in moving on cordially, if nothing else.

I am just not good at face-to-face reconciliation or negotiation or whatever you call it.

I am hurting too.

But if my friendship is deemed poisonous and destructive to you then it is your right and decision to leave.

Life is about choices. I do wish all well. Sincerely.

I just came home from a dinner with my colleagues and some just-resigned-only-colleagues-for-a-while-people. It was quite fun. We went after the exhibition at Suntec. Boy, I think I imprinted a whole new impression of myself in their mind tonight. Some of them already knew I can eat alot. But they did not know just HOW much I could stomach. We went for a steamboat buffet and I was the last girl standing (literally). Even the bigger guys have all stopped waaayyy before I did. And I only stopped because there was nothing left I wanted to eat but yet I had yet to feel full. Haha. In the end, it was the two glasses of lime juice that filled my tummy, not the food. They were all horrified and impressed at the same time. Haha...

After dinner, I went down to Siglap for coffee and desserts with two of the guys who were meeting their friends. A very nice and friendly couple. We laughed alot, telling each other lame and corny jokes and trying to outdo one another.

I came home and was relating the day's events to my sister and she remarked that I seemed to enjoy my new company and colleagues very much, which is true. They are fun-loving people who have a good balance of work and fun.

I took some photos of the dinner. Will upload it tomorrow.

I have been laughing the whole day. Hope this kind of diffuses the stress at work a little. Hee.

You scored as Jean Grey. Jean Grey is likely the most powerful X-Man. She loves Cyclops very much but she has a soft spot for Wolverine. She's psychic so she can sense how others are feeling and tries to help them. She also has to control her amazing powers or the malevolent Phoenix entity could take control of her and wreak havok. Powers: Telekinetic, Telepathic Jean Grey 75% Storm 65% Rogue 65% Wolverine 55% Cyclops 50% Beast 50% Colossus 50% Emma Frost 45% Iceman 40% Nightcrawler 40% Gambit 35% Most Comprehensive X-Men Personality Quiz 2.0 created with QuizFarm.com

My new job is soooooo busy. I am soooooooooo tired. But I am enjoying my time at work and with my colleagues. We are having an exhibition this week. I am so tired. If only I had more preparation time in the first place perhaps I would feel better about myself and my work.

On another note, I came to realise today just how much I loved my previous job and how it has become second nature to me to do the work I do there. Haha. It is where I feel most capable or, like they say, second nature to one. I could plan and market and visualise the things I need to do and can do whereas for my new job I felt as if I was back in school learning and this is my internship period. Well, as I told my boss yesterday, it is a huge learning curve. Good thing is I do enjoy learning here.

Life is so full of ironies is it not? In the past two weeks I found out things I never even considered possible in the past and once more I find comments and 'advice' strewn along my way whether it is warranted or asked or not. Huh. Humans are always better at commenting and advising than they are reflecting I suppose. However, I do appreciate some of the feedback and revelations nonetheless. Gave me a whole new perspective of how people think and how people behave.

Another long day tomorrow. Got to sleep now.

Well, actually this thought flashed my mind. I think none of my previous group of close friends are reading this blog anymore, after all that has happened. When I go to their blogs, it does pinch a little to know that some of them have taken me off their list of friends. Like I have said before and I say again, I never wrote off any one as my friend. Another thought is this, to every single one of them in the group, maybe all they have lost is a friend they thought worthless and good riddance and all each one lost is a friend they no longer care much for.

To me, I lost a whole group of people I have come to care very much for and love the past ten years. I may not have shown them the love I felt for them all these years but it is only because I do not know how. If my show of concern was misinterpreted as something else, if my kind of character rubbed off anyone the wrong way, I am sorry to have hurt them.

I know very probably my name is almost never brought up now, or it could be mentioned with the accompaniment of a expulsion of oral fluid, or maybe some just prefer to pretend I was never part of their lives the past ten years. When I go reading their writings, which I do daily, I wished I could pick up the phone and say, 'hey, how's it going?'. There are some I have the urge to call by default when I feel down or lonely or stressed, and there are some I could feel their heartache for and wanted to show my comfort. But in the first place, I guess it will be awkward. In the second place, I am not too sure I am wanted anywhere near them in any way.

I am hurting just as well. I am the one being accused and ostracised here. I would like some sympathy and friendship too.

But I am thinking if friends you thought knew you very well is misunderstanding you so badly and abandoning you, what is friendship all about?

Talk about self-reflection and self-realisation.

Irony of life.

Mine.

I'm back.

Haha. Because I tried another provider and it was too confusing for me to navigate around, although it has alot more features. However, I'm the kind of gal who is at a lost in big bookshops and supermarkets for what to buy. Or maybe I am just too comforted by the familiar. I'm not one who really likes changes in things that are close to me, although I'm all for exciting changes for the better. Conflicting? You bet. I'm not quite sure what I am.

In fact, I have been feeling quite uncertain of myself the past few days. Never felt more insecure and inept when it comes to work. This morning, I was even contemplating throwing in the towel and was all ready to start looking for a new job. A short chat with a mentor delayed me a little and got me thinking perhaps I was too harsh on myself. IT is after all, only a week into my job.

I guess the insecurities came in a few ways; one being I was suddenly expected to do what I had never done before, and that was my role as a PA. I have never felt more guilty in my life before now that I have to make milo for my boss every morning when I don't even do that for my parents. Told my mum maybe I should start waking up a little earlier to make them breakfast to alleviate my guilt; haha. On top of that, I had to fit in the role of an office administrator (read: office auntie). So suddenly, it was my RESPONSIBILITY to ensure that the pantry is filled and cleaned and the rubbish emptied etc., etc.. Lastly, I felt that the person I replaced have ingrained her presence very well in the office and it seemed like I have very big shoes to fill. This is hard when I'm not even familiar with the products and industry I'm supposed to market. Sigh. Then like a bolt of lightning out of nowhere, I was in the shower when it suddenly hit me that the reason I am feeling so stressed is because for the first time, the general good performance of my employer's business is dependant on me! At the Home, although I had to work hard at fundraising, still I will not get grilled if I don't hit the target amount. Whatever I can bring in is good. Now, I have to justify every marketing penny with the returns. So, stress or not?

Besides, I like my new company and the 'company'. All bubbly and energetic. We have a weekly session of games (any games/sports), a time for us to bond outside of office hours. On top of that, many of them arrange activities together on the weekends as well. Like tonight, they arranged to go for dinner together, even those on leave will make an effort to join in. I like that kind of camaderie and spirit. They call the officeplace 'family'. Cool.

I plan to start a blog for them too, chronicling all the activities and candid shots. Once I figure out what to name the blog. Haha.

I have closed this blog. To access the new site, please click here.



I have reached the end of my journey for this chapter of my life. Please join me as I embark on my new life chapter.

Some last pictures to post for the National Day. Then I will close this blog and start a new one. Looking back, it had been slightly over a year since I started writing and despite my initial misgivings, I was persuaded by a friend to start this, 'as a way for friends to communicate'. Who would have even imagined that one day what I write about how I feel and think will have such backlash.

Huh.


The whole nation was out on National Day. Or so it seems.


Love in the sunset...


Speak out!


The patient wait for the evening's highlight.


Wah.


Wow!

I spent Monday and Tuesday with my family; mostly my parents. On Monday the family and Ah Ma had porridge lunch buffet at the convention centre. Then we went to watch 'Seven Swords'. As the credits were rolling at the end of the show, we saw the name of this Eurasian actor who has a brother also acting in Hollywood, and who has the same first and last names as a world-famous photographer from Singapore, but we did not see him at all. So Mummy and I were musing when was it we blinked and missed him. Turned out he got snipped off. We realised that when we saw the character he was supposed to play, but that character did not appear at all. In trying to figure out if Ah Ma understood the film I asked her if the show was nice and she said yes. I probed further to make sure she REALLY understood the show and asked who she saw in the movie. Mummy and I burst out laughing on the spot when she said 'Liu De Hua'. Now, there is 'Li Ming' in the show, but no 'Liu De Hua' anywhere in sight. We decided Ah Ma just called every actor 'Liu De Hua' because that is the one she knows best. Soometimes I really wished I can be like her, simplify everything in life and only remember to laugh. Blink and everything is over. No need to feel sad or lost. Live in the moment, literally. Sweet old lady.


Daddy trying to act cute on the kiddy ride. Haha.


A nostalgic shot for Ah Ma.

On Tuesday, deciding to watch the fireworks by the bay at night, my parents suggested going to the Marina area. So we drove there and parked at one of the neighbouring hotels. And then we walked, seeing it was only early evening and plenty of time before the fireworks start. We started the the mall after dinner at its foodcourt. Then we walked to Chinatown. For dessert. Yes you read correctly. The three of us, my parents and I, walked from the Marina area to Chinatown. And after dessert, we walked back to the quay to catch the display. We walked alot yesterday.

Haha. But it was quite fun actually. I asked Mummy what if I got lost in the crowd. She told me to stay put and they will come looking for me. Exactly the words she said to me when I was young. But I know now she will not be looking for me. She will just expect me to make my own way home. Which was exactly what I wailed back to her. Hahahaha... There were so many people out at the same time. I almost felt stifled. Really do not like the feeling. Told Mummy let us not come out again on a public holiday, with the rest of Singapore.

More pictures on that later.

I am writing from my new office desk. No pictures today yet because I did not bring my camera today. Well, better view than previously in terms of height but while my balcony opened up to lush greenery before now, all I see are buildings, buildings and more buildings. But they are office buildings.Which gives me a sense of having returned to civilisation. Heh.

I got my own laptop. But its keyboard is so stiff, I am feeling so constipated typing on it. But better not complain, as I heard from my predecessor this morning mine is the best system in the company. But I think it needs time to warm up to me because it is running so slowly. Haha.

Feeling a little out of place and lightheaded all day because for once in my working life, I am not sure what I am supposed to do. *blur* *blink blink* And slightly stupid too as I still need time to pick up all the technical IT terms and get comfortable in my shoes of talking prices with vendors and suppliers as well as making milo for my boss every morning.

Got to go. Meeting!

Ok I did not get to upload all the pictures yesterday, got tired after two hours of trying...

Here are the rest:


SPLASH & SHIVER


'Drowned chicken me'


Good things must share! Especially when one is soaked in baby foam...

Heh.

Ok, the close of one chapter and the opening of another. Thank you for all the fellowship and learning.

Well, it was a cold day with heavy downpour in the morning and cold winds in the afternoon, even after the rain has stopped.

It was also the day I had ordered some teatime snacks for my workplace colleagues to say bye to them. Haha, yes it was weird that I had to 'organise' my own farewell but it was ok, at least I can say who I want to invite and who I would rather not. In any case, I did invite EVERYBODY to come join in ok. Even those whom I felt had betrayed my trust and friendship in them. And that irritating girl I really do not like. But they chose not to turn up ok. Not that I left them out, perhaps as one of my other colleagues pointed out they could be feeling guilty. Haha, but I doubt so. I think they would just rather not cross paths with me thereafter. Petty.

So we had food, and THEN they had fun. At my expense. And my dear and very own BLOOD brother just let them, sitting in a corner, having his laughs and taking it down on camera for all to remember. Sheesh. So while you cannot be present at the time of crime, do enjoy laughing at the pictures below.


Yum yum!


Saying bye...


The Accomplice


Getting suspicious


The calm before the storm, literally...


One last valiant attempt to stay dry in the winds...

Remember that aching jaw of mine? Well, it had gone on for almost two weeks now and yesterday morning, it was bad enough to bring on a heavy thudding head in the morning. So I decided to take the day off and sleep in a little, reply some emails that had been sitting around, and the go see a doctor and see if I am coming up with mumps. I do not want to be down with any illness prior to starting my new job. I have wasted enough time as it is, serving my notice at the current and soon-to-be-ex workplace.

Anyway, saw the doctor yesterday and he said I was very stiff in my shoulders and neck too and that throbbing jaw is due to muscle spasms, brought on mostly because of stress, generally work stress for most people. So I giggled and told him that I have been pretty laxed at work the past month waiting to end my contract and start my new job, so what stress?! He then concluded that it must have been the accumulated stress venting out now. Prescribed some muscle relaxants for me and told me to take painkillers when it gets too painful to bear.

Just this evening, I told my parents what the doctor said yesterday and my father snorted. Then he said it must be because I am 'heaty'. Haha. Now I know many people who will snort at THAT as well. 'What do you mean heaty? Are you burning up and out? So what happens when you are cool instead' Haha, ok I get your dig at me. So anyway, after dinner at the hawker's with my parents I came home, got showered and went down to my mum and asked her to massage my sore shoulders a little. Half an hour later I tried opening my mouth a bit and hey! it does not hurt as much anymore. I told my mum to go on for a while more and I could feel my shoulders loosening up more and my jaw hurting less.

Ha. So much for doctors and fathers. Mummy knows best. Yeah. *v-sign up*

Today, or rather last night, I made two of my cheesecakes - one lemon flavoured and the other strawberry-covered, and brought it to work today. Everyone loved it. The accountant was remarking:'note I said it was 'good', not just 'not bad''. Haha, ok noted. Thank you for enjoying my cakes so much. Most loved the strawberry-covered one, although it was the first time I had done it and I did not trial it on my family before. Hehe, guess the fragrance of the strawberries really enhanced the flavour of the cake.

My soon-to-be boss called me today, turned out that we will be participating in a trade exhibition towards the end of the month and he wanted me to be involved. Emailed me the correspondence between him and the other relevant parties so as to give me an idea and 'feel' of what is happening. Well, I have been trying to read up a bit on the services and nature of my new work industry and job nature. It will not be easy, but it sure is challenging.

Waiting in anticipation and trepidation. Hee.

At the risk of sounding sacarstic, I must say that I do feel a little bemused by the amount of traffic on my tagboard these few days; I have not had been able to generate so much interest or attract so much sparks to what I had been writing for such a long time, that it had been feeling as though I was back to writing in my little book, where I was the only reader.

After thinking about things a little, and asking around some people, I come to the conclusion that I am not the sourpuss or sore whiner that many of you think I am. In fact, the people who see and work with me everyday thinks I am a joker. And I am always telling people, that it is only a job. Vent it out, laugh it off. It is another day at work. They all know that I do not pull a long face at work or curse at everyone who passes my way. If I never let any one of you know that is how I am then it is my fault indeed. Or maybe I did and you were not paying attention? Never mind, now you know. For the record, people do enjoy working with me and having me around.

AND I do enjoy my work. Again I clarify myself, it is the people I work for I no longer enjoy working for. Perhaps you will think that it is the normal average office politics that happens everyday in most workplaces. But please remember that I am working for a charitable office, under a non-profitable management who have many other side (and personal) agendas and motives for being on the Board. So it is not your commonplace politicking that is taking place here. While I can understand and will be more tolerant if it were a commercial corporation, I cannot condone and abhor all these schemings that go on under the pretence of charity. I may not be a very noble or morally-correct person, but I can still feel disgust when people do charity for the most selfish and non-charitable reasons. I do not know how many of you are in the same position as I had been, reporting to almost 10 different bosses EVERYDAY, for the same or different projects, who are all scheming against one another, while pretending to be best friends during meetings. Everyone has their own goals to accomplish for each project, often deviating from the general picture that they are painting everybody else. So while I have to meet their goals for them, I also have to create the fiasco that everyone believes it is to be. And these people do not care anything about you or the hurt it causes you, while they are making use of you to achieve what they want.

That is my pressure and my stress. Can you even begin to emphathise the kind of environment I was working in?

Yes, I had been writing alot of unhappy stuff. But it is my way of relieving my pressures. More often than not, I always feel alot better after ranting it out here. After all, this is where I ramble on. Do I have to be politically correct even when I am just putting into record what I think and feel? This is after all my diary right, I can write what I want, can I not?

To be fair, I think I wrote a fair bit of pleasant and inane stuff too. I have been known to be opinionated and I have always admitted that. But I have never forced anyone to think my way or accept what I believe in. Rather, I am always given the impression that I have the 'wrong thinking', just because it can sometimes be a little unusual or unorthodox. I just prefer to look at things from many different perspectives before making my conclusion, so that it is a fairer one to all. How many can say they do that too? Most people grew up believing one theory and it is all they are willing to embrace throughout their lives. I prefer to give every one a chance and all the benefit of doubts.

AS for being attention-seeking, are we all not seeking attention at one time or another? I do not think I am the only one or the most serious one. I do have alot of angst sometimes, and I do rant on abit sometimes. But I do not recall blaming anyone or feeling victimised. If I did, I would not be joking about it or find ways to get out of the rut. I would just continue to wallow in my self-pity.

I believe happiness is a choice. My choice. So I choose how I want to be happy and who makes me happy. I am happy with my life. Like many of you, there are ups and downs all around me. I just like airing my grouses too.

I do not deny either that I am an idealistic perfectionist. Believe me when I tell you I feel very stressed by myself too whenever I think I cannot meet certain standards and goals I set myself. Needless to say, I of course have some expectations from the people around me as well: Parents, Family, Friends, Work. I have caused myself much grief over the years and often the aftermath is that I will beat myself up for being so hard on me. There comes times too when I will jolt one day and realise I have been too harsh on the people around me, that I am thinking more reel than real. I beat myself up for that too, and after that I go into a period of hermit living and withdraw within myself to meditate and readjust my realities.

I do alot of self-analyses and self-reflections. I am always readjusting myself and my views on life. How can a perfectionist not be a critic? On herself as well as on the world. Is it a surprise then that I seem to have an opinion on everything? But it is always only opinions, never judgements. Even if I judge, it is the act and not the person. If I do judge, then I judge myself more and harsher than I ever judged anyone.

Am I a heartless, loveless and emotionless person? I beg to differ and really hope none of you thinks so. If I really were, then would I have bothered with what was assumed and said about me these days? Would I bother to scream that I did not list any names? Would I have felt sad that friends who have been with me for the past 10 years said what they did to me? Would I have cared that they misunderstood me so badly?

These are friends who have been with me during the most difficult periods of my life, when many unhappy and unfortunate things happened to me while we were growing up. Some I have shared, some I did not. But it never occurred to me that just because I said nothing they were ever any less of a comfort to me. I do not get to hear everything that happened to them either, but I never turned anyone down when they wanted to talk.

It tears my heart then and really made me cry when I read about all the things that were said and how assumptions and accusations were flying around the place. Even by people who could not be forthcoming enough to comment in their own names when pointing their fingers, and whom I am not sure how they even come into play.

What started as a means for my friends to know me and my private thoughts a little better only caused them to misunderstand me further. Then this blog has not met its purpose and has lost all meaning.

Should I henceforth only tell you about frivolous and chirpy things? Then I will not be telling what I really want to say would I?

I hate conflicts. You mean no one knew?! That is why I always prefer nipping things in the bud before they get out of hand. Once they do, I usually just fade away, far from the gunfiring. I do not like talking about things once it has exploded as well, because I feel both parties will be too defensive to listen to anything, myself included. I would rather wait till I can recall the incident and no longer feel any pinch, then I go ask about it. Different people need different lengths of cooling periods, for different matters. Sometimes I calm down very fast, sometimes it takes a while. But I never believe that you hold a grudge forever. I know I do not.

I hate assumptions too. It hurts everyone when meanings are misinterpreted and emotions run wild following that. I am sometimes guilty of assuming too, but I always consciously remind myself I should not. And I apologize for it. When people assume, a few things happen: you feel hurt, you hurt others, you do not bother to find out the truth, you do not listen to the truth. Always remember that 'ASS U ME = assume'. Especially if you are not aware of ALL the details and heads and tails of the issue, DO NOT join in. You will only fan the flames stronger.

No matter how bad things go, I never tell anyone goodbye and that I am leaving for good. As mentioned earlier, no grudges are forever. It just takes time to cool things down. Remember the song that goes 'And friends are friends forever, If the Lord's the Lord of them; And a friend will not say never, 'Cause the welcome will not end'. We cannot choose family, or the bratty sister and annoying brother. But we sure as hell chose our friends. To have chosen EACH OTHER, there must be some karma cosmic at play. Do I not see nods?

Things are getting very ugly, and unpleasant. But if I am seen as the perpetrator here, then go ahead and stone me if it makes everyone happier.

I just believe that as friends, you cannot tell them how to think or what to do. The best is just to listen and be around when they need you. Perhaps I have not listened enough myself. Perhaps no one listened when I talked. But at this point it is no longer important, because it seems that there are alot more other issues at play here than 'who did not call whom'.

Michael W. Smith - Friends Are Friends Forever

Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
I can't believe the hopes He's granted
Means a chapter of your life is through

But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends

And with the faith and love God's given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you live in
Is the strength that now you show

We'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong

And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends

And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends

To live as friends

Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends

No a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends

Going through the lyrics, it makes me realise it is both a sad song and a happy song. Perhaps it is time for the friend to move on, so that is sad, but the friend will know that he is always a friend, so that should be happy. Whether we take this song as a whole or just parts of it, I just want to say that I do appreciate ALL and every one of you, for everything that was done for me. And I do remember. Do you think your mum does not love you just because she did not say so? So why think I have forgotten just because it was never mentioned? Is friendship something that you make a physical record of every incident and reciprocate every act? I do not think that is possible! How can we peg a value to every act that comes forth and say if it is as much or less than another?

I do not want to continue listing who did what and who did not do what anymore. It is becoming meaningless.

I DID NOT LIST NAMES.

WHY DID YOU ASSUME IT IS YOU? IF YOU THINK IT IS YOU DO YOU NOT FEEL IT WILL BE MORE APPROPRIATE TO PICK UP THE PHONE AND CLARIFY WITH ME?

DID I SAY ANYTHING TO YOU THAT SUGGESTS SO?

STOP ASSUMING THINGS. EVERYTHING. WE HAVE ONE MOUTH FOR US TO ASK AND TWO EARS FOR US TO LISTEN.

IF NONE OF YOU CAN PICK UP THE PHONE AND ASK WHAT IS WRONG, THEN NONE OF YOU HAS THE RIGHT TO TELL ME I AM WRONG.

IF YOU THINK I DO NOT CARE FOR YOUR CONCERN, THEN MAYBE YOU DO NOT KNOW ME ENOUGH.

I DID NOT, AND AM NOT ASKING FOR PITY.

IT IS UNFAIR FOR ALL OF YOU TO SAY WHAT YOU HAVE TO ME WITHOUT FINDING OUT THE FACTS AND DETAILS.

My right jaw has a dull ache that means I cannot open my mouth wide. Ouch. I need morphine.

And I am so sleepy too. Snuck into the boardroom for a shut-eye after lunch just now. Still feeling drowsy. Must be the weather. Better go home early tonight and sleep more. Hehe.

Another 9 days more to my last day. Yeah! Every day I have to face the irritating moron that likes to act cute is a torture to me. Makes me real grouchy and bitchy. Haha.

I learnt a new lesson too. That is one JUST HAS TO KNOW that you are being cared for, even when you get no phone calls, no emails and no messages for months on end; during a time when you most needed a friend. And that if your friends shun you, it is because you are boring, whining, repetitive, and most of all, your own fault. Most hilariously, you pushed them away yourself. At a time when you most wanted them around. Whew.

Ok.

I will bear that in mind, the next time ANYONE comes to me asking for a listening ear.

I hate to make use of of this to talk like this about such things. But I guess if it makes everyone more comfortable and happier, why not? No conflicts. I hate arguments, not that I always lose. I hate clashes. What would you want me to say that you want to hear? Can you accept what I have to say?

Wet cold morning. Perfect for sleeping in. Fantastical to have someone to snuggle up next to. Hee. But I only got two bolsters.. *deep sigh*

A friend sent me a forward email yesterday. It was an email reminding us of the atrocities committed to the countless innocent Indonesian Chinese, especially the females, in May 1998. If any of us can still remember. The email stated that the tsunami tragedy on December 26, 2004 was God's punishment to the perpetrators. And that we need not have donated towards this cause or feel sorry for any one, in particular the Indonesians, who were the worst hit.

Well, I have a couple of thoughts on this. First of all, I really do not think this is the correct attitude to take towards a fellow man, never mind his colour or beliefs. Two, it may or may NOT be God's will but we should not have talked or thought about it this way. Three, humans have very short memory. A double-edged sword really. They tend to forget the goodness of people and never forget the faults of the same; at the same time, they seldom remember to learn hard lessons from history and what stupid things not to repeat committing. (Though I am not trying to say the Indonesians have done good, because I have no examples to cite. It is just a general statement, which is generally true) Fourth, why do we always hope the worst for people we do not like? Why are we such selfish, arrogant individuals? Why are we suspicious of people's intentions for no valid reasons? What are we trying to prove by hitting out at our fellow being when we should be offering a hand instead?

Mankind. How ugly you have become.

I am counting down everyday, to the very last day of my service here. Bleah. It is such a bad aftertaste even just thinking about it.

The other day I was musing to myself then my colleague: people always start on a new job all excited and fired up. Almost 90% will declare 'I love my job' in the first three days. However, every time I hear someone wanting to leave, it is always because 'I hate my boss'. Or colleagues. But rarely the job. Sad is it not? When you love your job but got no choice but to leave because you are working with morons and lice.

I still love my job. But I am tired of getting shot down for nothing and having suspicious and small-minded people all around, having to watch my back and cover my backside everyday.

On the bright side, my new job is waiting for me. And it is so much more exciting. I will get to go places, travel! Yea! I have always wanted a job that will bring me places, literally. However, I am also getting a little jittery for the first time since I have been working. Not very confident I can pull off my rank.

HEAD OF MARKETING cum PA to MD. Whew!

But I am getting only the pay of a senior executive alright? Not very high, but more than now. Almost $400 more. Hee. Happy. *contented grin*

But it will not be the last these people here see or hear of me.

I'll Be Back.

I posted yesterday.

Got lost somehow.

Bleah.

Something is wrong. Can_Not_Blog_In_Office....

>___<

I think sometimes I am a bitch.

I like being a bitch.

Being a bitch means I do not have to consider other people's feelings. Being a bitch means I can say what I like, as I like, when I like. Few people cared enough to ask how I feel anyway. So?

Then again, I will not deny that I can be difficult to care for sometimes. That often people who try to show concern only end up with a bruised ego. Eh, no reason to give up trying if you really cared right? Or if you are a true friend. Then again there are many ways of showing concern. Perhaps I am not 'acclimatized' to the method you have chosen.

I always believed that being a friend does not mean you have to know everything about your friend. It is more about being there for your friend when he or she needs you.

It is really sad when you thought you had friends but no one ever asked how you are, even when they know you are unhappy.

Does it take something drastic to jolt us all out of our comfort zone or complacency?

Work will not kill me. But I always believed that one day, either my parents or my friends will.

Wahahaha......

Today, for the first time since I resigned, I felt a little sad about leaving. To the point where I was afraid I would tear on my last day. It is because of the people there. Not the people you are thinking about though.

It is those old folks there whom I have come to care for and thought of as I raised funds for them. As I presented their cases and situations to each visiting group as they come. As I defend the policies I stood by. All for them.

And there are the other staff there. All the foreign staff, from the kitchen to the maintenance to the nurses. I will miss all of them. They have taught me humility in this age of self-centredness and arrogance.

This evening, as I informed one of the kitchen cooks I am closer to of my last day, he looked so sad as he was asking me why. As we chatted, I swear his eyes were wet. He said something to me which touched me very much. He told me I was different from the other 'office staff'. That I never looked down on any of them because they are foreign workers and that I have always been approachable, friendly and kindly to them.

I will miss them.

I will the ah gongs and ah mas.

I will NOT miss the people who caused me to resign.

I could feel the pair of eyes on me all evening.

Even when they think I have forgotten all about them.

And so I stretched out my legs and exposed its nakedness to encourage.

Soon, I could feel the lips on my thigh.

I held out for a little while longer. And then I slowly reached out my hand...

*SMACK*

And I felt its body squished between my palm and my thigh. Blood spattered all over.

Peaceful sleep tonight.

Hee.

Your Blogging Type is Unique and Avant Garde

You're a bit ... unusual. And so is your blog. You're impulsive, and you'll often post the first thing that pops in your head. Completely uncensored, you blog tends to shock... even though that's not your intent. You tend to change your blog often, experimenting with new designs and content.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

Another 21 minutes more to going home.

Home.

On time at 6.

Sometimes these buffoons I work with make me want to yell out at them. Then I remind myself; if they are to proud to come ask you, you are not obliged to say anything. After all, you are leaving in three weeks time. 17 days more. 'luuunnn'

Guess who bought me lunch today? In fact make a guess to who stopped by the roadside to give me a ride and save me a walk to the office yesterday morning?

Haha.

Best still, guess which buffoon told me to write my own testimonial?

I think it is just a reflection of VERY BAD MANAGEMENT by the buffoon who got promoted anyway. For being a buffoon. Huh. How about I write my own recommendation to promote me and give me a raise to keep me with the organisation?

Idiot.

Make that idiots.

I do feel pretty isolated nowadays. Sometimes downright lonely. Friends and people I once held close never call or enquire about me anymore. Drifted away somehow.

Did I drive them away?

I just wanted to assert myself and my opinions. I am tired of always being the understanding one and being the one to give in and concede all the time. Just because I voice out my wants and thoughts does not mean I am egoistic or selfish. How about trying to understand me for once if we are really such good friends?

Then again, maybe friendships lost mean time to make new friends. Time to grow and mature. Time to move on.

Sounds cruel? The world was never kind to me in the first place.

Who cared to ask how did my day go?

Who is concerned about how I am feeling?

Who tried to make me feel important?

Last night, my father was gushing on about his friend's daughter and how talented she is to take part in a singing competition. When did he ever feel proud of anything I have done? Attending my performances were always a chore to him and he always rather stay home to watch tv. I could count on my fingers the number of times he was in the audience throughout my years of singing and dancing. Yet I lost count of the number of times he had hit me and tore me down.

Don't come telling me I am hard and harsh. I never experienced gentleness from the world.

I hate my life.

Loneliness Quotient: 54%

Your Personalized Assessment Report:

Your LQ score is a bit on the higher end, meaning you've got some issues that need to be worked out. We will examine them and then suggest possible remedies. One of your weak points is the situation with your friends, who are one source of your loneliness problem. This is an area that needs attention. Additionally, some family-related issues are partly to blame for your level of loneliness. Solving family issues can often be tricky, but doing so will improve your score. Your romantic life is another source of some dissatisfaction. It is imperative that improvements be made in this area to lower your LQ. Finding a guy to share your life with will help. Luckily, shyness is not a setback for you, which makes resolving the sources of your loneliness easier. It's a shame that your area doesn't have a lot of like-minded people, which is one factor making it difficult to lower your LQ further. Finally, a bright spot for you is that you don't suffer any major insecurity issues. This fact helps keep your LQ lower than what it might have been.

Take the Loneliness Quotient Test at Dating Diversions

HOW MANY OF YOU WOULD BELIEVE THIS? (psst, let me know)

Your dating personality profile: Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate. Adventurous - Just sitting around the house is not something that appeals to you. You love to be out trying new things and really experiencing life. Wealthy/Ambitious - You know what your goals are and you pursue them vigourously. Achieving success is important to you.

Your date match profile: Outgoing - Shy and timid people are not who you are after. You need someone with a vibrant personality to breathe life into a relationship. Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living. Conservative - Forget liberals, you need a conservative match. Political discussions interest you, and a conservative will offer the viewpoint you need.

Your Top Ten Traits 1. Liberal 2. Adventurous 3. Wealthy/Ambitious 4. Religious 5. Big-Hearted 6. Practical 7. Intellectual 8. Traditional 9. Outgoing 10. Sensual

Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Outgoing 2. Practical 3. Conservative 4. Religious 5. Adventurous 6. Intellectual 7. Sensual 8. Traditional 9. Funny 10. Athletic

Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions

LINE UP RIGHT HERE MEN....

I hate conflicts. You mean no one knew?! That is why I always prefer nipping things in the bud before they get out of hand. Once they do, I usually just fade away, far from the gunfiring. I do not like talking about things once it has exploded as well, because I feel both parties will be too defensive to listen to anything, myself included. I would rather wait till I can recall the incident and no longer feel any pinch, then I go ask about it. Different people need different lengths of cooling periods, for different matters. Sometimes I calm down very fast, sometimes it takes a while. But I never believe that you hold a grudge forever. I know I do not.

I hate assumptions too. It hurts everyone when meanings are misinterpreted and emotions run wild following that. I am sometimes guilty of assuming too, but I always consciously remind myself I should not. And I apologize for it. When people assume, a few things happen: you feel hurt, you hurt others, you do not bother to find out the truth, you do not listen to the truth. Always remember that 'ASS U ME = assume'. Especially if you are not aware of ALL the details and heads and tails of the issue, DO NOT join in. You will only fan the flames stronger.

No matter how bad things go, I never tell anyone goodbye and that I am leaving for good. As mentioned earlier, no grudges are forever. It just takes time to cool things down. Remember the song that goes 'And friends are friends forever, If the Lord's the Lord of them; And a friend will not say never, 'Cause the welcome will not end'. We cannot choose family, or the bratty sister and annoying brother. But we sure as hell chose our friends. To have chosen EACH OTHER, there must be some karma cosmic at play. Do I not see nods?

Things are getting very ugly, and unpleasant. But if I am seen as the perpetrator here, then go ahead and stone me if it makes everyone happier.

I just believe that as friends, you cannot tell them how to think or what to do. The best is just to listen and be around when they need you. Perhaps I have not listened enough myself. Perhaps no one listened when I talked. But at this point it is no longer important, because it seems that there are alot more other issues at play here than 'who did not call whom'.

I posted yesterday.

Got lost somehow.

Bleah.

I posted yesterday.

Got lost somehow.

Bleah.

I *yawn* am *yawn* so slee*yawn*py...

It is more tiring acting busy than really being busy.

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant. Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle. You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs. For you, comfort and calm are very important. You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection. You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant. Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle. You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs. For you, comfort and calm are very important. You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection. You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong.

The World's Shortest Personality Test

Good Morning!

Yet to start working, but I am at work.

Why?

I have no work to do! Yippie!

*************************************************************************************

Throw all the boycotts you can think up to me. Find all sorts of false reasons and claims to sully my name.

In fact do everything you can to make me the bad person. Do your worst. Strike your lowest blow.

You think Missy me first day in society ah? I have seen nastier people than you and beat them all flat.

Haha.

To think that you are all my bosses and you are behaving in such a childish manner and so unprofessional somemore.

Again, this lesson is drummed into me and rings oh-so-true once more: Your bosses and organisation will never be loyal to you in this time and day. So no obligation on your part to be loyal either. Go where the money is! Yeah!

Haha.

*************************************************************************************

Was reading the papers this morning when I came across this article where a female journalist was threatened by the court with a jail sentence unless she breaks her promise to her source and reveal who it is. And she stood by her promise and would rather go to jail. 'Your Honour, I cannot break my word just to stay out of jail.' She also said that she 'does not make confidential pledges lightly but when I do, I must honour them.' Her honest and unselfish motive is only to ensure that when a confidentiality promise is made it has to be respected or there will be no credibility in the journalist and it is the public who will suffer ultimately.

Sigh. How many times have we made promises flippantly and broken it just as conveniently when it interferes with our 'life'?

Promises or as some call it, Word of Honour, is just that to me. If I have promised you something, I will fulfill it even if I am inconvenienced in the end. It means alot to me that people can trust me based on my words alone and it becomes a legacy to my name. That to me is more precious and harder to come by than all the fame and glory that can be bestowed.

I hope I am true to my belief.

You know it is time to move on and there is no mistake about it when your superiors start to nitpick on you over things that happened a year ago, and only when it comes to you, even when your department colleagues are behaving the same.

All these false pretences and call for unnecessary protocols only to bog one down.

Unfortunately, it is during such a nitpicking session that I tendered my resignation and they believe that it is in retaliation. I am not so free ok?

I just do not want to continue working in a place where there is no trust amongst the colleagues, and between the management and staff; but loads of gossiping and rumour-mongering to go around. In addition to the games and politics the Board people like to dabble in and often drag the staff in as well. Did I mention that the staff here also behave and pledge their allegience according to the current favourite or power-wielding person of the day?

They are telling me they have an issue with my reporting time. How come they never had any problem with my knock-off time then? And I do not even claim for every hour I am doing extra. It is not like I like working late ok? Stop scheduling your meetings for after 6 in the evening then! Who are the ones who ALWAYS cannot find me?? You have my mobile number but if you are not calling me is that my fault? Others who genuinely want to find me always find me. At the end of the day, do I not always deliver what had been assigned to me, with pretty good results may I add?

So it seems that they prefer people who report to work on time, but leave on the dot just as religiously BUT never had any substantial results to show for. So the culture is, just be visible. Never mind if you do not achieve anything or raised any money. Best, remove yourself and any idea of doing anything out of routine. Keep the balance. Do not bother about creating events and projects to rasie funds or publicity. Just stick around for head count.

I work for results. Not for appearances. I do not ask how your job is done why ask how I do mine? You paid me to work; not to gossip or tell-tales or bootlick. You paid me for my ideas; not for me to dabble in office politics or adhere to protocols, which are all wrong in the first place!

So I am done with what I can do here.

If only I can write like this too. Haha.

http://tomorrow.sg/trackback/url/1068

For the first time in a long long time, I am actually quite free in the office. So free, I can afford to type my blog. What is happening? Well, like I said yesterday, I think there is a conspiracy to keep me out of the current projects, not only those under the mad bitch, but also those I used to handle previously. Well, thou shalt not fret. I am resigning anyway. Hehe...

My back is aching quite a bit suddenly for no apparent reason. Making me woozy and nauseous with the ache. Strange...

Time to surf porn with the free time I have now. Haha...

I think I am a very unforgiving person. Either that or I have an elephant's memory.

I am very tired. Head has been heavy the whole day and now my eyes can barely stay open.

Thanks to my two friends who have helped me decide between the two job offers. Thanks brothers.

I am also feeling more detached each time the group of friends meet up. It is almost as if there is nothing left to say between us and nothing about me that you will care to know either.

Or maybe I am just an attention-seeking girl, after all these time...

Goodnight.

I have a feeling I am being ostracised by my colleagues. This is what happens when you go for a long break I guess. But my suspicions are that this new round of ostracism is being fueled by the people on top. For what reasons I have no idea at all. So why do I say that? Why for example, the projects that I handed over to them before I left are still half-completed or not even started. So I asked if they want to pass it back to me to do. Both said no. Not even when they have quite a bit to handle. So how? Wait for work to drop onto my laps ah? People who know me will know I am not like that. So I start new proposals for new projects again! Only thing is I will probably have left by the time they are to be executed so how? I plan and they do shit-work later lor! Haha...

This morning, my newly promoted administration manager asked me into his room and told me that 'some of the directors not very pleased with your reporting time'. DUH. I just came back from a 6-week break. What reporting time are you talking about? And from the log-in book that we were suppose to fill in daily now, I see that the 2 other girls have been reporting at past 10 too, since I have been away. So?!? Why this double-standard?

And about this newly promoted manager... I have my suspicions about him for a while now. Before the promotion he was only a senior administration executive. And he joined much later than me. Yet now he is given a promotion while I get demoted of sorts, with the hire of two new girls in April and now another senior PR executive being hired and reporting in August. What is this?! Did I mention we are to REPORT to this SENIOR person? Anyway, back that new manager... I have been suspecting he was the one telling my Executive Director rumours and nonsense about the reasons I wanted to resign initially. Come on, there is no one else I spoke to about my leaving then. Only he knows enough to spin and distort a whole new tale to others from what I said.

Hmpf! Want me to report to someone just because she is older than me and capabilities yet to be proven? Wait long long.

I will be gone before then.

Sometimes I feel like a hedgehog. Sometimes I think I make myself out to be a hedgehog.

Have you not ever felt that you actually want company and a kind word or a strong shoulder to lean on but you keep doing things to push the people who have offered far away from you? It is hard to explain or justify why you did that but I guess it arises from a fear of judgement and failing to live up to expectations. Which is another point: why are we living life through other people's expectations of us? Or why are we afraid of letting those people who have high expectations of us down? Should we not live for ourselves, the way we want? Why should we be so bothered about how others will see us then?

I remember the times when I have built a wall around myself against the world, and against love. That was a long time ago. And while I was not happy, I was never hurt either. Then I was persuaded over time to bring down the wall, and when I did so I experienced hurt and pain and disappointment for the first time.

Now although I have no walls around me, and hurt is a thing of the past, I am happy.

In a senseless, morbid, hopeless kind of way. If you get what I mean. But I am happy for now.

Been having some stomach malady. Feeling nauseous for the past two days. Too much gas I presume.

*puke*

Just caught the pizza commercial on TV. Made me wonder if I am the type of parent who will grab the opportunities to celebrate everything little thing about my child, especially my first child. Haha, I just might. But if I do, please remind me to do the same with my second, third, fourth child too... Every child should be special and made to feel special. No reason why only the first one gets it because he or she was still a novelty then. Yep, I think in a morbid sort of way first-borns are like novelty to the parents and extended family. Let us see if your crowd of friends are still excited over a new young member if there have already been a few of them running around the place. Do I sound jealous or bitter? Not really, just reflective.

Anyway, went for the second round of putting my spine in place yesterday. While the actual treatment did not hurt much, the after-effect was that I got quite drowsy and a little sore as time went on. Guess this goes with the theory that this is part of the 'expulsion' process. What is there to expel? Well, basically if you never or hardly believed in Chinese medicine, you would just dismiss it all as hogwash. But according to the doctor's explanation and my own understanding, it is the expulsion of 'air' from my body. Where did those air come from? Well, how did you think I was able to keep blowing my trumpet all these time? Haha, just kidding. But I suppose most of you would agree... It seems that the core of all my health problems arise from the fact that I have a very weak digestive system. So because of incomplete or incompetent digestion, I am thus beridden with a whole list of other problems.

Wait a minute! What has my digestive tract got to do with my spinal cord now? Hehe... Confusing right? Go read up on Chinese medicine abit. It is really not as nonsensical as it seems. After all, the Chinese have been depending on it for thousands of years, spreading the practice even to Japan and Korea and now the 'ang mohs' have no choice but also concede that many of the theories are sound and logical. Hey, our 'gahmen' also approved it already. Why are you still so unaccepting? Haha.

In any case, the treatment means I ahve to lay off exercise and carrying heavy load for a while. Another good excuse, endorsed by the doc no less, to do less around the place. Haha.

Sigh, why is it that whenever the good times are about to end then you find that you actually have many more things you would like to do? Hee... starting work next week. I am looking forward to that in a way but these two days I suddenly have many projects and plans that I wanted to put in place. The least of it is arranging to go Sentosa with a friend, but alas before the excursion I have to go back to work. Darn!

Well, instead of procrastinating away, I have decided to finish up what I have started and promised before the day is up today and I am too fixed in my weekend routine to do anything then. Hehe.