Sometimes I feel like a hedgehog. Sometimes I think I make myself out to be a hedgehog.

Have you not ever felt that you actually want company and a kind word or a strong shoulder to lean on but you keep doing things to push the people who have offered far away from you? It is hard to explain or justify why you did that but I guess it arises from a fear of judgement and failing to live up to expectations. Which is another point: why are we living life through other people's expectations of us? Or why are we afraid of letting those people who have high expectations of us down? Should we not live for ourselves, the way we want? Why should we be so bothered about how others will see us then?

I remember the times when I have built a wall around myself against the world, and against love. That was a long time ago. And while I was not happy, I was never hurt either. Then I was persuaded over time to bring down the wall, and when I did so I experienced hurt and pain and disappointment for the first time.

Now although I have no walls around me, and hurt is a thing of the past, I am happy.

In a senseless, morbid, hopeless kind of way. If you get what I mean. But I am happy for now.