At the risk of sounding sacarstic, I must say that I do feel a little bemused by the amount of traffic on my tagboard these few days; I have not had been able to generate so much interest or attract so much sparks to what I had been writing for such a long time, that it had been feeling as though I was back to writing in my little book, where I was the only reader.

After thinking about things a little, and asking around some people, I come to the conclusion that I am not the sourpuss or sore whiner that many of you think I am. In fact, the people who see and work with me everyday thinks I am a joker. And I am always telling people, that it is only a job. Vent it out, laugh it off. It is another day at work. They all know that I do not pull a long face at work or curse at everyone who passes my way. If I never let any one of you know that is how I am then it is my fault indeed. Or maybe I did and you were not paying attention? Never mind, now you know. For the record, people do enjoy working with me and having me around.

AND I do enjoy my work. Again I clarify myself, it is the people I work for I no longer enjoy working for. Perhaps you will think that it is the normal average office politics that happens everyday in most workplaces. But please remember that I am working for a charitable office, under a non-profitable management who have many other side (and personal) agendas and motives for being on the Board. So it is not your commonplace politicking that is taking place here. While I can understand and will be more tolerant if it were a commercial corporation, I cannot condone and abhor all these schemings that go on under the pretence of charity. I may not be a very noble or morally-correct person, but I can still feel disgust when people do charity for the most selfish and non-charitable reasons. I do not know how many of you are in the same position as I had been, reporting to almost 10 different bosses EVERYDAY, for the same or different projects, who are all scheming against one another, while pretending to be best friends during meetings. Everyone has their own goals to accomplish for each project, often deviating from the general picture that they are painting everybody else. So while I have to meet their goals for them, I also have to create the fiasco that everyone believes it is to be. And these people do not care anything about you or the hurt it causes you, while they are making use of you to achieve what they want.

That is my pressure and my stress. Can you even begin to emphathise the kind of environment I was working in?

Yes, I had been writing alot of unhappy stuff. But it is my way of relieving my pressures. More often than not, I always feel alot better after ranting it out here. After all, this is where I ramble on. Do I have to be politically correct even when I am just putting into record what I think and feel? This is after all my diary right, I can write what I want, can I not?

To be fair, I think I wrote a fair bit of pleasant and inane stuff too. I have been known to be opinionated and I have always admitted that. But I have never forced anyone to think my way or accept what I believe in. Rather, I am always given the impression that I have the 'wrong thinking', just because it can sometimes be a little unusual or unorthodox. I just prefer to look at things from many different perspectives before making my conclusion, so that it is a fairer one to all. How many can say they do that too? Most people grew up believing one theory and it is all they are willing to embrace throughout their lives. I prefer to give every one a chance and all the benefit of doubts.

AS for being attention-seeking, are we all not seeking attention at one time or another? I do not think I am the only one or the most serious one. I do have alot of angst sometimes, and I do rant on abit sometimes. But I do not recall blaming anyone or feeling victimised. If I did, I would not be joking about it or find ways to get out of the rut. I would just continue to wallow in my self-pity.

I believe happiness is a choice. My choice. So I choose how I want to be happy and who makes me happy. I am happy with my life. Like many of you, there are ups and downs all around me. I just like airing my grouses too.

I do not deny either that I am an idealistic perfectionist. Believe me when I tell you I feel very stressed by myself too whenever I think I cannot meet certain standards and goals I set myself. Needless to say, I of course have some expectations from the people around me as well: Parents, Family, Friends, Work. I have caused myself much grief over the years and often the aftermath is that I will beat myself up for being so hard on me. There comes times too when I will jolt one day and realise I have been too harsh on the people around me, that I am thinking more reel than real. I beat myself up for that too, and after that I go into a period of hermit living and withdraw within myself to meditate and readjust my realities.

I do alot of self-analyses and self-reflections. I am always readjusting myself and my views on life. How can a perfectionist not be a critic? On herself as well as on the world. Is it a surprise then that I seem to have an opinion on everything? But it is always only opinions, never judgements. Even if I judge, it is the act and not the person. If I do judge, then I judge myself more and harsher than I ever judged anyone.

Am I a heartless, loveless and emotionless person? I beg to differ and really hope none of you thinks so. If I really were, then would I have bothered with what was assumed and said about me these days? Would I bother to scream that I did not list any names? Would I have felt sad that friends who have been with me for the past 10 years said what they did to me? Would I have cared that they misunderstood me so badly?

These are friends who have been with me during the most difficult periods of my life, when many unhappy and unfortunate things happened to me while we were growing up. Some I have shared, some I did not. But it never occurred to me that just because I said nothing they were ever any less of a comfort to me. I do not get to hear everything that happened to them either, but I never turned anyone down when they wanted to talk.

It tears my heart then and really made me cry when I read about all the things that were said and how assumptions and accusations were flying around the place. Even by people who could not be forthcoming enough to comment in their own names when pointing their fingers, and whom I am not sure how they even come into play.

What started as a means for my friends to know me and my private thoughts a little better only caused them to misunderstand me further. Then this blog has not met its purpose and has lost all meaning.

Should I henceforth only tell you about frivolous and chirpy things? Then I will not be telling what I really want to say would I?