Is this how you see me? Seems quite accurate. But I do not think I make a very good role model for a leader.


You are Proverbs.

Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by

Worked a full day today. Brought work home to do. Off for the whole of next week. But I seriously doubt I can cast work aside. I will probably have to go in a couple of hours for one or two days. As it is, I already have to turn up for two meetings and several appointments with sponsors have yet to be confirmed.

I hereby admit to being a workaholic. And I probably enjoy being one too. Working does give me a sense of satisfaction and empowerment. A sense of confidence and achievement. Well, I do not have to worry about having to make time for anybody anyway. No longer an issue. Haha...

By the way, just a word of update on that loser trainer. I do believe he does have some kind of interest in me, still... From what my current trainer told me, he did try 'inconspicuously' asking my trainer about me, or rather my 'training progress'; he makes me laugh, as well as roll my eyes in wonder. Just what does he want? Hahaha...

Oh! Just in case any of you wonders: I am truly over HIM now. I do suppose if you make HIM stand in front of me now I will be able to retain my cool and act at least civil if not warm and friendly. Haha. HE does not bother me now, neither does anything to do with HIM or our past. It WAS and it will stay that way. Over. Finito. Passe.

Amen.

Hello!

Hi!

How are you?

Missed me lately?

Not seen you around for a while.

Busy?

How are things going for you?

What is happening now?

Going a little nutty here. Please indulge me somewhat. Hahahaha...

Work is great, going fine actually. Well, no doubt things are still a little hectic but everything is really coming along just fine. In fact, things seem to be looking up for me generally. Haha. Most of you will probably get the vibe that something is going on with me. And you are probably right. But I am not saying anything so please do not bother to ask, spare yourself that agony.

The first thought that comes to mind will probably be: 'Oh my God! You are dating!' And then the next thought will most likely be: 'Who is it?' Well, I think I can assure you enough that no, I am not dating. I am not seeing anyone. I have simply come to terms with life and issues that were bothering and plaquing me before. Now I have thrown everything out, flushed it down the toilet bowl. Only problem now? How do I put away the physical memories without being wasteful? Hahaha...

Ahh... Freedom. How good you smell!

I really need a break. From work. From school. From people. I am so tired. I have a week's break coming up but I need to spend that doing my research. I am not relaxing in case you are envious.

Come October. Come quick. I need a break! I do not want to break down before that.

Sigh.

Slow day. Real...ly slow. Could not concentrate or focus on work. Felt really restless today. Sigh. Good thing I am having the day off tomorrow. Do not envy me. I worked hard to trade for this. Too hard. I am beginning to think I am crazy to push myself so hard. It almost seem like I am punishing myself. And why should I punish myself? Crazy right? Haha...

Somebody entertain me!

Ok, actually I should get back to work. Hahaha...

Sometimes I wonder if I am pushing myself too hard at work; after all when I look at my project schedules, I am actually on target for most of them. Do not know why I feel so stressed and so pressed for time to finish my work. Haha... I went to the doctor's two days ago. He told me I'm too tensed and stressed. Need to lay off work a little. Offered me two days MC but I only took one. Never imagined there will come a day where I will actually turn down MCs... Hiaz, but just imagine for two days of rest I will have to work four days to catch up. Not worth it at all.

Oh yeah, the psycho struck again. For those of you who have heard my horror encounter with this psycho you probably have a pretty good idea just how scary he is. Anyway, he contacted me like two Sundays ago and I told him I was busy and that was that. Then yesterday he started sending me messages again, asking me how I am and what I am busy with and how he is still thinking of me (shudders). O.....k... Told him I am still very caught up with work and school and hardly have time to socialise. The gist of the whole situation is that I am trying to tell him I have no time for him and not interested to find time for him in the nicest possible way but he just goes on and on. Come on, even on the very first date I have made it very clear to him that I was not on the lookout for romance. So what is this issue about me making excuses not to meet him or dating someone else, and here is the funny one, that 'is he not my type'? Duh! How did he manage to figure that out now... (say that in a very sarcastic tone now). Told me that I should feel free to be very honest with him if I am not interested in him or is seeing someone else 'because it is a torture just waiting around for an answer'??? Why is that suddenly my fault? I gave an answer even before he posed the question and I definitely told him his decision to wait will have nothing to do with me. Sigh... He is not just a psycho. He is a desperate psycho. And a very dense one. If he thinks that I am finding excuses to reject him then why does he not just take it as it is and buzz off? Do I really have to be brutal? Haiz...

On top of that he had to go bother my friend and ask her about me and when she tells him I am as busy as I have said I am, he thinks she is lying to him. What the....?

Men. As a good friend once worked out for me: men = trouble

Haha. Yep.

I like the feeling of being appreciated. I like being wanted. I like being pampered. I like being missed. I like being thought of.

That is enough to make me feel happy for the time being. It made me feel worthy again. Worthy of being cared for and loved. Worthy of loving again.

Am I in love? No I am not. But I am being loved.

Today is the beginning of a new beginning. Yesterday has passed and it took with it the unhappiness of the past months and the dying ambers of HIS memories. Something happened yesterday. The same way something happened three years ago. I took a risk then. I am taking another risk now. Different risks, but still risk. HE will always remain in a corner of my mind and heart but HE will upset me no more. Will I still care about HIM? Of course, but I am drawing a line and a distance between us henceforth.

Three years ago yesterday I asked if HE liked me and if HE wants to be with me. Three years later I let go of the pain and haunting grief. Three years later I am walking down a different path. A path I never thought I would take. Then again, many things happened in the past three years which I never thought I would do either.

I am different. I have changed. Maybe you can tell maybe you cannot see. It does not matter. You may judge or prosecute me. But it is my choice and I stand by it. You may not recognise me anymore but I love you all just the same. What I am not saying is to save you from heartaches and disappointments when you know. Just be my friend, not my judge. God is judging me already.

Leaving on a jetplane - John Denver

All my bags are packed I'm ready to go
I'm standing here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye.
But the dawn is breaking it's early morning
The taxi is waiting, he is blowing his horn
Already I'm so lonesome, I could cry

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go

I'm leaving on a jetplane, I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe I hate to go

There is so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I tell you now they don't mean a thing.
Every place I go I think of you
Every song I sing I sing for you.
When I come back I bring your wedding-ring

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
I'm leaving on a jetplane, I don't know when I'll be back again

Oh babe I hate to go

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time let me kiss you
Close your eyes, and I'll be on my way
Dream about the days to come
I won't have to leave alone, and I won't have to say:

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go

I'm leaving on a jetplane, I don't know when I'll be back again.
I'm leaving on a jetplane, I don't know when I'll be back again.
I'm leaving on a jetplane, I don't know when I'll be back again.

Oh babe I hate to go.

Will someone ask me to stay if I said I wanted to leave? Who will that someone be?

The head was splitting today. In fact it started last week, but I bit my lips and ignored it. And it exploded yesterday. I think the upset the night before did me in. Well, anyway it should be the last time I get upset over HIM.

By the time tomorrow rolls along everything will be laid to its final resting place. No more tears, no mor hopes, no more dreams. No more illusions. Much as I am reluctant to, HE will become a part of my history only. A reluctant history.

Head spins.

I had another dream last night. In this dream I saw HIM. I felt HIS reluctance to come back because of HIS insecurity and uncertainty. HIS inferiorty complex stood like a mountain between us. HIS fear of not being able to give me what HE thinks I want.

I think I cried in the dream. I know I felt very sad. But I heard me telling myself that it is time to let go. If HE cannot overcome HIMSELF I cannot help HIM and no amount of waiting will make a difference. HE has to get over HIS lack of self-confidence first and to start believing in me when I say I do not care for the material things. I think I walked away from HIM in the dream. I could not bear knowing how much HE loves me but feels too inferior to be with me.

I love HIM but life has moved on. I am beginning to visualise a future without HIM. But the road is lonely.

For now.

It started in the middle of the night. I suddenly awoke with this urge to cry. From the depths of me I could feel a surge of sadness and a tsunami of tears rushing to the surface. I was right. But I wish I was not.

Today is the day of our anniversary. The day we got together three years ago. The day I asked HIM if HE likes me and wants to be with me. Yep, I was the one who asked HIM. I could sense HIS interest. I was worried I might be too upset today to work so I took the day off to be by myself. Just in case. And I was right. The whole weekend I was waiting for that feeling of unhappiness and disappointment and when it did not happen I was quite relieved as I thought nothing will happen then. Who would have thought it will hit me in the middle of the night? I certainly never did.

I had wanted to ask HIM three questions on this day:

1. Do you still love me?
2. Do you still want to be with me?
3. Do you still think that being able to give me what I want will make me happier than simply being with you?

I wanted to ask HIM out today to ask HIM the questions. I wanted to ask HIM the questions I asked three years ago. I was hoping to hear the same answer. Yes I still love HIM very much. But I have decided to let things be. I will not ask anything anymore. If one day HE is ready to come back, HE will have no privilege over others in the line. HE has to woo me as I am being wooed by others now. And frankly I do still have choices. And I am not opposed to them anymore.

I have just one worry, that this day will cause me to do things I will wake up regretting tomorrow morning. I feel weak and vulnerable today. I feel reckless and irresponsible today. I hope I do not run into any temptations today. I will succumb. It may be that I WANT to succumb, in an act of rebellion. Please do not judge me then if I do.

I just got home from work. Really. Do not ask why and what I was doing in the office till so late. Yes I was working. No I was not working all the way entirely. Yes there was a lot of work to be done. No I was not using work as an excuse not to go home.

I am feeling vexed. Remember that feeling you used to get as a student when you know you have not done your homework or studied your test and oops, tomorrow is the deadline? Well, 'Mount Work' is only ever getting higher and I forever, seemed to be only at the foot of it. But no, it is not work that is wearing me down, even though I am spending longer and longer hours in the office working. I feel, and I know, I am on the very verge of breaking down and succumbing. To what? Go figure. I honestly do not have the courage to write it down here and tell everyone. But I know if I cannot draw strength from somewhere soon, even though I know I will MOST DEFINITELY live to regret it, I will go ahead to do it. I am that vulnerable now.

If any man comes along and is super sweet to me now, I know I will melt. Literally. I am that tired. Haha. Ya, I should not be making a joke out of this. It can turn serious. If you know what I mean. I know out there there are at least two of you who do.

'Hey Sam, you know what that means?'

Two days more to go. I do not know if I will break down on that day. I am bracing myself for it.

You picked Strawberry Short Cake!

Romantic, warm and loving. You care about other
people and can be counted on in a pinch. You
tend to melt. You can be overly emotional and
annoying at times.

What Your Dessert Says About You
brought to you by

You may have noticed that I have not been blogging much. That is because I am so overwhelmed at work. So many things to do. So many nights of working till past 9 or 10; and so many of you thinking that I spent those nights partying. How sad... Nobody even gave me a call and asked how I am. Sigh.

Anyway I was doing a recap (of my life) sometime ago and I felt to a certain degree I am happier now but I confess that this is due only to my suppression and refusal to think about anthing else other than work and school. The long hours at work only meant that by the time I reached home I will be too tired to do anything much other than sleep. I had also came to the decision that waiting CONSCIOUSLY for HIM is only making me miserable. While if I just went about my life without thinking about the issue I can actually find some days when I feel really relieved.

Two days after that decision, I bumped into HIM. I was completely offguard. I wrote something on that chance meeting but I did not blog it. I will put it up later.

Anyway, that meeting threw me off, and everything else I thought I had laid to rest came charging up to the surface again. That was the reason for me feeling really down and unhappy. Took me sometime and a great effort to brush it away. I am fine now. Thanks to work! Haha. Ok, I had some help from a couple of friends too. Uncle James helped too by always teasing and playing the fool around me. Haha, it is really difficult feeling awful around that man. He is always so chirpy and full of nonsense, and always so carefree-like. It is hard not to like (being around) him. And that I am quoting my brother.

I shall stop here. I need to go prepare the food for my bbq tonight. YUM.