It started in the middle of the night. I suddenly awoke with this urge to cry. From the depths of me I could feel a surge of sadness and a tsunami of tears rushing to the surface. I was right. But I wish I was not.

Today is the day of our anniversary. The day we got together three years ago. The day I asked HIM if HE likes me and wants to be with me. Yep, I was the one who asked HIM. I could sense HIS interest. I was worried I might be too upset today to work so I took the day off to be by myself. Just in case. And I was right. The whole weekend I was waiting for that feeling of unhappiness and disappointment and when it did not happen I was quite relieved as I thought nothing will happen then. Who would have thought it will hit me in the middle of the night? I certainly never did.

I had wanted to ask HIM three questions on this day:

1. Do you still love me?
2. Do you still want to be with me?
3. Do you still think that being able to give me what I want will make me happier than simply being with you?

I wanted to ask HIM out today to ask HIM the questions. I wanted to ask HIM the questions I asked three years ago. I was hoping to hear the same answer. Yes I still love HIM very much. But I have decided to let things be. I will not ask anything anymore. If one day HE is ready to come back, HE will have no privilege over others in the line. HE has to woo me as I am being wooed by others now. And frankly I do still have choices. And I am not opposed to them anymore.

I have just one worry, that this day will cause me to do things I will wake up regretting tomorrow morning. I feel weak and vulnerable today. I feel reckless and irresponsible today. I hope I do not run into any temptations today. I will succumb. It may be that I WANT to succumb, in an act of rebellion. Please do not judge me then if I do.