How can some people live life making others' lives miserable? How do they do it? I will never be able to grasp such 'high teachings'.

I am already working 12-14 hours a day, sometimes 6 days a week. How can anyone still say I am slacking off? I am not as efficient as before because my workload has increased but not my manpower. And not giving you the amended drafts the next morning when I have only left the office at nine o'clock the night before does not mean I am unreliable or inefficient. After all, I am neither the designer nor the webmaster, how do you expect me to hand you the amended drafts the next day? Even if I were, you mean I have to work through the night for you? How then do you expect me to still give you the same level of efficiency when all my eight tentacles are already in full use? Please do not look to my assistant. He is only a part-timer. He is not paid as much as me how can you expect him to do as much as I? Besides, being a part-timer I can only pass on so much work to him.

Please have some brain, and a little heart if you have any to spare. As it is we are not that highly paid. I am certainly not paid enough to take such rubbish from you. If you are not happy, I will quit one day.

But not before you hear my piece about you. Oh yes. I have written a piece, just for you.

I hate having to take pills to sleep. Please do not do this to me. You will not be the one paying my hospitalisation or medical bills. Do not make me fall sick. My body is already breaking down and rebelling. It is crying out for rest and peace. I can push on but do not give me shit like this to clean. You are just wasting my time and effort.

I have better things to do.

It is all in the mind. If you can do it or not. Whether you want to do it or not. It is not the size of your muscles that count. It is the intensity of your willpower.

I can do it. I know I can. I know I will.

Tiring? You bet! But I will get to the finishing line. First or last does not matter. Finishing does. You are competing with yourself, not your best friend, not your colleague, not your brother, not your enemy.

I will see you there.

Yes, it is four in the morning and I am up. I cannot get to sleep. I think I am too stressed at work again. Every time I close my eyes, thoughts of work and ideas for the next project will come flooding in. How am I to relax and fall asleep?

What am I doing up then? Well, I have finished a marketing plan for my street sales event and done up a proposal for next year's fundraising events. Haha. Talk about being a workaholic...

Can someone please start giving me ideas how I can sleep easier and better? It is not like I hate my job but it will be nice if I can leave it in the office once I have stepped out of the Home. Haiz. I am so consumed by my work. Just as well I do enjoy doing what I am doing. Can you imagine the agony of doing something you absolutely abhorred but have no way to get out of it? Thank God.

Yep, thank Him. Somehow I knew when I accepted this job, or rather when this job found me, it was God's will and I have His blessings in this. Yea yea, I am thanking God. I just said I could not reconcile certain things. I never said I have written Him off...

Maybe things are moving towards another plane, another dimension, another level. Hold that breath for me alright and we shall see what happens next.

	Cheer Bear You're the Care Bear cheerleader! Your spunky personality and optimisim lifts everyone's spirit. Though you want everyone to be happy, you stand your ground on issues you feel strongly about and this can bring disunity among your friends. Despite this, you are a true believer in working together.
Take the Which Care Bear Are You? Quiz!

Another CareBear quiz. Heehee.

My director called me today while I was in the toilet and asked for an update of progress for the projects. THAT female lawyer director. Well, not that I minded since it has been some time since she made her presence felt. The problem was I WAS IN THE TOILET. I was debating whether to answer her call or not but knowing how she is I figured it is only to my advantage if I do. Anyway, she had been away for the last few weeks or so and pretty quiet the past few months, so I thought it would not hurt me to entertain her a little at this juncture. Turns out she was pretty satisfied with the progress of all projects or so she sounded. Ok in any case, I still have till Monday to really have to 'handle' her. Time enough for me to get things ready, especially since I have to be back in the office tomorrow morning.

I thought the stomach flu was not too much of a hassle or problem since I was not too confined to the bed but as it turns out I have been weakened far more than I knew. I could not really go through the same regime of training as I usually do. In addition, it seemed I still need to pay attention to my diet for a while more. The gastric has been acting up a bit these two days too. Not a good sign at all. It seems that once one is struck down, the blows just keep coming. Alright, got to keep my head up and start fighting back real hard now.

One other note, I have been having nightmares the past few nights. Nothing too upsetting but it does seem that I have alot on my mind, consciously and subconciously. The dreams are reflecting issues that are calling out for some sort of attention and resolution one way or another. Guess that is another channel of stress that I have to resolve soon or face breaking down.

First diarrhoea, now swollen eye. What is happening? Sheesh. Two days of medical leave means I am behind schedule in my work, which means I am bringing work home to do again. Which means even though I am not well I still need to work. What is the difference then between working in the office and at home? Sigh.

Anyway, I really got to put in the extra hours now, after 6pm and on weekends... Well, at least I do not have to worry about not spending time on dating or keeping someone company. My time is my own and I can do what I like and want with it.

On the other hand, some other developments are taking place on the studies' front and it is not going as smoothly... Keeping me fingers and toes crossed. Cross them for me too k?!

DIARRHOEA. Something I have not had for a long tiime, and it seems pretty serious this time. Hahaha. Feeling like jelly all over now. Trying to figure out what triggered it off this round. Hmm... Weak...

Ok, pressure is off! I have finally decided to defer my final semester at school. I just could not cope with the heavy load at work and the pressing deadlines at school anymore. My previous results were pretty decent and I do not want to jeopardise them by doing mediocrely for the final papers. It is not worth it. I do want to continue with my paper pursuit, not for the mere succumb to societal pressure of paper qualifications but because of a genuine interest in going further in this field of study.

You are the first people I am sharing this with. Official annoucement. Hey! I have not even spoken with my mum at this point. Yea, it is kind of a pity to give up now, so close to graduation, but I would rather sit out another year or so than see myself get by with less than satisfactory results.

At least I am now able to breathe normal again; hopefully peaceful sleep will follow soon after. Hehe...

Hmm... Why should I let HIM affect me so? It should not and HE should not. I love HIM. But I really no longer desire to be back with HIM. It hurts too much and no one, not even HIM, can tell me that the second time round everything will be better, rosier, happier. We might, or might not, know better what to do. But things will definitely not be the same as it was. I could love HIM as much as I had but it is not the same love. As I have said before, there will always be a shadow hanging over us and it is not just because of the history of a break up. Rather it is because of what I know, what HE does not know I know, and what I know HE will not give up, even for me.

Well, since I have made my decision to move on I should. Regardless of what HE is saying or doing now, regardless of my current situation. Why am I so silly as to let HIM affect me anymore?

Just what does HE want from me? HE kept pushing me away and when I have finally put on my shoes and walked off, here HE comes with another hat trick to upset me again. Actually it is more of an irritant than an upset. Why did HE say that I can hold on to his possessions? Hello, we are talking about an ATM card here, not birthday card. Why is HE so alright with me having access to HIS money? Yes, I know HIS PIN. Crazy is it not?

Of course I figured deep in HIS heart it is probably because HE is hoping that as long as I hold on to HIS things it will mean there is a possibility for us to get back together. If this had happened two months ago then yes, HE is probably right. But now that I have made up my mind to walk away from all these, the chance is slim. Not because I no longer love HIM but because I no longer want to (think about) be with HIM. Even when I was still adamant about us getting back together previously, I had the fear that HE will walk out again the day the pressure got too much for HIM to handle. How much more now?

I have no more confidence that our love will last and our love is all it takes to be and stay together. I am tired of this charade and dragging of our feet through the mud. I am tired of the uncertainty of the future and of another person's commitment to me.

'Please just leave me alone. After all, you left me.'

I am happy with my life now. I am happy meeting people I want to meet. I am happy doing things I want to do. I am happy BEING happy. I do not want to go back to feeling unhappy and uncertain and insecure.

HAHAHAHA... Yes, I cannot stop laughing. That is because I have beaten a guy, flat down, at push-ups on a ball. Those big, colourful balls you sit and do exercises on... It is not a puny guy or a small boy I beat ok. He is about 1.75m to 1.8m, weighs at least 75kg. To top that, he is, or LOOKS, muscular. And I beat him. HAHAHAHA... Please excuse my self-indulgence. I do not get this everyday. To top that off, he has issued me another challenge. Stay tuned for the updates. 'Mm zai si'

HAHAHAHA...

Hahaha... Someone challenged me to push-ups on the push-up ball. Well, according to my trainer, I have no need to fear. Come on! Hehe...

This is crazy. I took the week off to do research for my paper. But other than spending half the day today at the library, which did not yield very much results, I did not accomplish much otherwise! Not to mention that I was supposed to hand in an assignment today on financial management, which needless to say I have yet to complete, because I am absolutely clueless on how to complete it! Sigh. And on top of that, I had to go back to the office in the evening for a meeting, which only depressed me further because of the extra load of work to do within the same timeframe as other projects, which are at least underway already and this is only in the preliminary stages. Goodness! They've not even decided on the project chairman yet! And this project comes right after the heels of two major projects and before the christmas celebrations. I need to breathe here!

Well, at least I attended a talk this morning which did help spark off a trail of thoughts for my paper. Not absolutely waste of a perfectly good day. Then again considering the fact that I woke up at six this morning to make it for the talk it HAD better be good. Haha.

I did have a good time taking things easy. My brother hung out with me and later my trainer joined us for a couple of hours too. Well, at least I DESTRESSED a little. Really needed to unwind. I could feel the body rebelling already. The cough was acting up and so is the rash, which if I am not careful is going to spread ALL OVER. Very unpleasant.

Hiaz... better sleep. Turning nuts. I am already being called nuts. Or nutty woman. Then again, it is the pot calling the kettle black. In fact, the pot is beyond wash. Hahaha...

Is this how you see me? Seems quite accurate. But I do not think I make a very good role model for a leader.


You are Proverbs.

Which book of the Bible are you?
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Worked a full day today. Brought work home to do. Off for the whole of next week. But I seriously doubt I can cast work aside. I will probably have to go in a couple of hours for one or two days. As it is, I already have to turn up for two meetings and several appointments with sponsors have yet to be confirmed.

I hereby admit to being a workaholic. And I probably enjoy being one too. Working does give me a sense of satisfaction and empowerment. A sense of confidence and achievement. Well, I do not have to worry about having to make time for anybody anyway. No longer an issue. Haha...

By the way, just a word of update on that loser trainer. I do believe he does have some kind of interest in me, still... From what my current trainer told me, he did try 'inconspicuously' asking my trainer about me, or rather my 'training progress'; he makes me laugh, as well as roll my eyes in wonder. Just what does he want? Hahaha...

Oh! Just in case any of you wonders: I am truly over HIM now. I do suppose if you make HIM stand in front of me now I will be able to retain my cool and act at least civil if not warm and friendly. Haha. HE does not bother me now, neither does anything to do with HIM or our past. It WAS and it will stay that way. Over. Finito. Passe.

Amen.

Hello!

Hi!

How are you?

Missed me lately?

Not seen you around for a while.

Busy?

How are things going for you?

What is happening now?

Going a little nutty here. Please indulge me somewhat. Hahahaha...

Work is great, going fine actually. Well, no doubt things are still a little hectic but everything is really coming along just fine. In fact, things seem to be looking up for me generally. Haha. Most of you will probably get the vibe that something is going on with me. And you are probably right. But I am not saying anything so please do not bother to ask, spare yourself that agony.

The first thought that comes to mind will probably be: 'Oh my God! You are dating!' And then the next thought will most likely be: 'Who is it?' Well, I think I can assure you enough that no, I am not dating. I am not seeing anyone. I have simply come to terms with life and issues that were bothering and plaquing me before. Now I have thrown everything out, flushed it down the toilet bowl. Only problem now? How do I put away the physical memories without being wasteful? Hahaha...

Ahh... Freedom. How good you smell!

I really need a break. From work. From school. From people. I am so tired. I have a week's break coming up but I need to spend that doing my research. I am not relaxing in case you are envious.

Come October. Come quick. I need a break! I do not want to break down before that.

Sigh.

Slow day. Real...ly slow. Could not concentrate or focus on work. Felt really restless today. Sigh. Good thing I am having the day off tomorrow. Do not envy me. I worked hard to trade for this. Too hard. I am beginning to think I am crazy to push myself so hard. It almost seem like I am punishing myself. And why should I punish myself? Crazy right? Haha...

Somebody entertain me!

Ok, actually I should get back to work. Hahaha...

Sometimes I wonder if I am pushing myself too hard at work; after all when I look at my project schedules, I am actually on target for most of them. Do not know why I feel so stressed and so pressed for time to finish my work. Haha... I went to the doctor's two days ago. He told me I'm too tensed and stressed. Need to lay off work a little. Offered me two days MC but I only took one. Never imagined there will come a day where I will actually turn down MCs... Hiaz, but just imagine for two days of rest I will have to work four days to catch up. Not worth it at all.

Oh yeah, the psycho struck again. For those of you who have heard my horror encounter with this psycho you probably have a pretty good idea just how scary he is. Anyway, he contacted me like two Sundays ago and I told him I was busy and that was that. Then yesterday he started sending me messages again, asking me how I am and what I am busy with and how he is still thinking of me (shudders). O.....k... Told him I am still very caught up with work and school and hardly have time to socialise. The gist of the whole situation is that I am trying to tell him I have no time for him and not interested to find time for him in the nicest possible way but he just goes on and on. Come on, even on the very first date I have made it very clear to him that I was not on the lookout for romance. So what is this issue about me making excuses not to meet him or dating someone else, and here is the funny one, that 'is he not my type'? Duh! How did he manage to figure that out now... (say that in a very sarcastic tone now). Told me that I should feel free to be very honest with him if I am not interested in him or is seeing someone else 'because it is a torture just waiting around for an answer'??? Why is that suddenly my fault? I gave an answer even before he posed the question and I definitely told him his decision to wait will have nothing to do with me. Sigh... He is not just a psycho. He is a desperate psycho. And a very dense one. If he thinks that I am finding excuses to reject him then why does he not just take it as it is and buzz off? Do I really have to be brutal? Haiz...

On top of that he had to go bother my friend and ask her about me and when she tells him I am as busy as I have said I am, he thinks she is lying to him. What the....?

Men. As a good friend once worked out for me: men = trouble

Haha. Yep.

I like the feeling of being appreciated. I like being wanted. I like being pampered. I like being missed. I like being thought of.

That is enough to make me feel happy for the time being. It made me feel worthy again. Worthy of being cared for and loved. Worthy of loving again.

Am I in love? No I am not. But I am being loved.