It's a friday afternoon. I'm off work. And I'm home, alone. No where to go and no one to go out with... sigh. Why did I even claim time-off then.... I know where and who I want to spend time with but then.... I hate this feeling.
Saw him online but either he's keeping away from me or he hasn't noticed I'm online yet. Do I msg him? Should I? Am I putting myself up for another round of bashing? ARGH!!!! I almost went to his home just now. For what I'm not saying. Those who know can't understand why anyway and I don't want to explain myself anymore. Anyhow, seeing that he's online probably means he's home and I'm glad I didn't go in the end.... Wouldn't know what to say if I saw him.
I miss him so much... Been thinking about him alot these few days. All the memories of what we did just kept flooding back unconsciously... Some sort of sick perverse pleasure in the pain of remembering.... did I mention I'm a masochistic-sadist? Wahahahaha.....
Thursday, April 29, 2004
ok... here goes. From now on, you will be privy to my most private thoughts, though not necessarily most exclusive.... what you read will be 100% honest. What I don't want to be honest about i won't mention. You can ask but it doesn't mean you'll get an answer... haha.
1st off, the nicholl highway collapse last week set me thinking.... the circle line construction is happening near my place too. The bus i take passes by it every morning. The collapse could have happened to me. If i were one of the unfortunate souls to fall into the gapping hole, how long will it take anyone to find me missing? Who will be the ones rushing down to the site to look for me? How will people who knew me feel if they heard the news? And if i should die, will i be remembered (fondly i hope) by those i hold close and dear? How long will it take for them to forget me. In future gatherings, will someone suddenly think of me and miss my presence? Will I be mourned? How will my life and existence be viewed and judged by those who remain? S thinks i'm crazy and that the only answer i'm seeking is if one person cares. Well, yes and no. I do wonder if he will care and if it will impact him in any way... But I also really wonder if I ever meant enough to the friends and family around me. I still miss those who have left me, sometimes i tear when i think of them. And I hope that at least one person remembers me this way too. Crazy girl you're all going to say. haha, well, that's me. And that's how I've always been.
2nd thing, S and I were just whining today about how useless we 2 are. At the risk of sounding egoistic, here we are, 2 smart, funny, talented and pretty good-looking girls who have no lack of people who will be willing to do what they want, and all they want are the guys who let them down.... This, is what I call crazy. Sigh, such are the fate of women, destined to be brought down a men, heartless brainless men; regardless of how capable or strong they are. I hate myself these days...
One last thing, I think I'm going bald. Happen to put a mirror round the back of my head today and saw this gaping hole right on the top! How come no one ever said anything to me!!!!??? I'm chopping off my hair. Short. Real short.
ramble ramble.......
1st off, the nicholl highway collapse last week set me thinking.... the circle line construction is happening near my place too. The bus i take passes by it every morning. The collapse could have happened to me. If i were one of the unfortunate souls to fall into the gapping hole, how long will it take anyone to find me missing? Who will be the ones rushing down to the site to look for me? How will people who knew me feel if they heard the news? And if i should die, will i be remembered (fondly i hope) by those i hold close and dear? How long will it take for them to forget me. In future gatherings, will someone suddenly think of me and miss my presence? Will I be mourned? How will my life and existence be viewed and judged by those who remain? S thinks i'm crazy and that the only answer i'm seeking is if one person cares. Well, yes and no. I do wonder if he will care and if it will impact him in any way... But I also really wonder if I ever meant enough to the friends and family around me. I still miss those who have left me, sometimes i tear when i think of them. And I hope that at least one person remembers me this way too. Crazy girl you're all going to say. haha, well, that's me. And that's how I've always been.
2nd thing, S and I were just whining today about how useless we 2 are. At the risk of sounding egoistic, here we are, 2 smart, funny, talented and pretty good-looking girls who have no lack of people who will be willing to do what they want, and all they want are the guys who let them down.... This, is what I call crazy. Sigh, such are the fate of women, destined to be brought down a men, heartless brainless men; regardless of how capable or strong they are. I hate myself these days...
One last thing, I think I'm going bald. Happen to put a mirror round the back of my head today and saw this gaping hole right on the top! How come no one ever said anything to me!!!!??? I'm chopping off my hair. Short. Real short.
ramble ramble.......
