It is the new year and I do not feel joy or excitement of any kind. I am rather stressed instead. Not because of any subtle or overt hints I may get because of my single status. (In fact, I do not get that very much in my family. All the elders know better than to ask, from experience. I am just a beneficiary of those who had to go through it much earlier) But because of any pretences or obligations thrust my way at this time. And I find it so hard to say no to elders who have requests of me. Even to matters I would really rather not handle. Thus I end up all stressed and upset. Having been stressed since last Friday when an old aunt made me promise her that I will make an effort to make amends with a relative, I was afraid that I will have an outburst at being forced to make good my promise. And I was right.

Just before dinner started, the old aunt quickly came towards me and asked if I had greeted that relative. When I said no she proceeded to drag me towards said relative and this was when I really lost my cool and just blurted out to her to stop forcing me.

Great, now I feel bad about being rude to an elderly because I refused to be polite to another.

I may seem stubborn and childish and petty. But who will even make an attempt to understand why I say the things I said and do the things I did? It is easy for one to try and persuade another to do good. But how often does that person first try to understand the feelings behind the actions in the first place. Heck, I know alot of big morals and valid reasons myself why I should be forgiving. But things are seldom so easy to understand or explain.

I really do not enjoy festivities where families gather nowadays. So many obligations to others and so many masks to put on.

When do I feel most lonely? When I am most surrounded by family.