Please.......... somebody, anybody. the next time you hear me planning a trip with my parents, PLEASE stop me. The last trip is exactly that. Last trip. Just what have I ever done to deserve what I get from them? Sheesh. Just leave me alone from now on. The trip is more torturous than enjoyable. Well in any case, I did not go for holidays. I had an agenda and I achieved it. That is all I care.

Of course the trip was not all dreary. Met up with my friend in Hong Kong. 'Hey Sam! Miss me still?' Ha ha. Nice fellow. Anybody interested to know a tall, not bad-looking nice guy from Hong Kong? Kekeke...

I also got to meet up with my long-time friend working in Shenzhen. He looks so different now. Sigh. And I cannot say it was for the better. Haha. The toils of working night life.

On a really positive note, I received texts from my colleague while in China saying that the Chairman has given instructions to expand my department further than the one assistant I am hiring now and Doreen is supporting me to stay on. Now what I am unclear of is if I will be staying to oversee the new recruits or if they will be in the same rank as I am. Frankly if it is the latter, I have absolutely no incentive to stay on. However, if they are talking about a promotion and raise then we have some grounds for discussion now.

Keeping my fingers crossed till I return to work tomorrow. Oh! By the way, Chairman praised the proposal I submitted before going off. He said it was impressive.

Hee.

It has been a long time since I last wrote anything. Just was not in the mood to say anything. In any case, judging from the low readership rate I might have been just writing for my own reading only. Ha. Whatever.

Anyway, I am not in the mood to work today also. So I called in sick and was thinking about seeing a doctor about my sinus. But sleeping in made me too lethargic to do anything else.

Is something bothering me? Something is always bothering me. It is a matter of how well I can push the bothersome issues away. What is bothering me? Well...

Anyway, just to log a quick update: I have spoken to Doreen about leaving although I have not given a date. This is because the Management has not decided on the schedules of the various projects and if I just up and leave they will be hanging in mid-air. Spoken to the lady I was supposed to work for and decided I will come in as her partner and take care of a sleeping company she has doing events projects and expand it further to include PR and marketing services.

As for the old fellow, I heard he had a heart attack last week. Haha... must be doing to much lewd fantasizing to bring it on. He called me again last week and insisted on bringing me out for dinner again. Pushed him off by saying all the projects are beginning and I am too busy to go anywhere now. Bleah.

Sometimes I hate my life. Most times I just try very hard to make my life the way I want to. Therein lies the irony. The way I am working hard to make my life now is not what I really really want it to be. In fact, I never imagined that this will be my life but I guess this is how life is, always surprising you at every turn and corner.

Then, there are some I just cannot bear to let go.

Be forewarned! You are about to see images that may be disturbing to you. Any liabilities will not be entertained. Roll your eyes down at your own RISK.

Kekeke...

Interesting pillows. I am going to get one for my dear daddy for his birthday, and one for myself. Hahaha...

For my dada...

And this is for moi-hahaha....

First day of my two weeks leave! Yea! Been waiting a long time for this. Haiz, actually I have been home for the first week and most of the second week of the month too anyway; the aching back has been keeping me away from the office. But to those of you who are concerned, I am alot better now thank you! Still cannot sit for too long at one stretch and still tires easily but it is not as bad anymore. I have collected my x-ray today and will be seeing the doctor tomorrow. As far as I can tell, there is nothing serious but was asked to note some 'lipping'... What is that?!! And it is at the top of the spine, near the base of the neck and not at my lower back as expected for a fall to my bum. Hmm... Well, will know tomorrow after I have seen the doctor.

OH! That perverted old man has been calling me today. On my handphone but I refused to answer. Called the office too on the pretext of work. How do I know? Because my colleagues keep messaging me to ask me things, inane issues under the pervert. Duh! The mere thought of him still makes my hair stand. Cannot help but feel repulsed by him. Well, as a brother queried: 'Is he not the sugar daddy I have been asking for?' The answer is a loud emphatic NO. Why? Because he is older than my own daddy, and really too urgh. He simply assumed I like him. Or will like/fall for him. Come on, maybe if he were to be suave as Tommy Lee Jones or even Robert De Niro. Even even Patrick Tse... But he is just a perverted sick old man who is not even hesitant to let me know of his many 'amours'. YUCK! Frankly, I am not against going out with an older man; but up to 10-15 years is the maximum. Why in the world would I want to go out with a grandfather? Duh-duh!

Anyway, while I lament my lack of choices on one hand, I do know very well it is only because I am not going out to meet people. Haha. Nowadays, I head straight home after work and am too lazy to go out on weekends. How to meet anybody? I do not even get to see my next-door neighbours. Sheesh. Haha. And I am also beginning to realist that this could very well be the year that I start getting match-made to/by. Whatever. Everywhere I go if people know I am single the next question will be: 'Shall I introduce you to someone?' Do people really know so many others who need help meeting potentials?! Have I reached the stage where I need help already? Nah. I refuse to bow to pressure. I give my self till 35 before I panic. That gives me another 10 years and 3 days to motherhood stress.

Yep. Me turning 25 in a few days more. Happy birthday to moi self in advance. I love myself more each year. Hee.

The back was aching badly the last two days. Decided I should go see my GP and get a referral. What a great difference in the consultation compared to the ones I got from the polyclinic doctors. I went twice to two differnt polyclinics and I have only one conclusion: go to them only if you are not dying or in serious conditions. I was barely in the room for five minutes on both occasions before they declared me fine, and this was even before they asked me how I fell or when and how do I feel. In contrast, my GP asked me questions about the kind of aches I am getting and where and how long has it been, ON TOP of giving me a thorough body check-up. In the end, even though she concluded I might not have broken anything but because of the persistent aches after two weeks she will still send me for an x-ray. Is this not what responsible medical consultation is about? Of course, there might be some people out there who think that I am expecting the royal treatment for my measly payment. I prefer to insist that this is only professionalism at work.

Anyway, I do not think I will die or be paralysed from this unfortunate fall. But I seriously believe that I will have to pay heavily for it when I am old if I do not take care of it now. Hey! How to go backpacking with a charming young boy then if I am confined to the bed by my old bones?! Haha.

Well, it is only the second week and fourteenth day of the new year and I have spent most of it on bed already. Never mind that I had some REALLY disturbing things happening to me this past week too. Nothing short of a rude shock. In fact, it happened so subtlely and so smoothly I did not have time to react the way I should have. And for that, I am thoroughly disappointed in myself. I just hope that by 'disappearing' for some time my message will somehow get across to the person. Like a close friend said, 'he was too smooth and an old hand at what he was doing. You had no way of fighting it at that point'. Hmm, right. Anyway, I have a speech prepared now for if and when he does call again. And I will spare all the niceties. Unnecessary to someone wily like he is. Horrid man.

Okay, I got to go for my x-ray now. Sitting too long in front of the screen already.

Ha... The agony of not being able to sit up straight and long. The back cries out in aching agony after the first five minutes.

Anyway, I had wanted to write about my gym regime ever since I signed up. Amazingly, I perservered enough for me to say I AM quite proud of myself. It has been fun going to the gym, whether with my brother or for my training sessions. I guess deep down inside I always knew I was a gym chick, haha, just that I was not comfortable in an unfamiliar territory. There was a hiatus for two months when I was really swamped with work and then illness but I was glad I got back into reasonable shape quite fast, although I had become quite weak then... Sadly my trainer has left. Sigh. Always let down by personal trainers, all puns and innuendoes intended. Haha. Well, anyway last I heard from my trainer, all the rest of his colleagues wanted to know if I had any sessions left that they could take over. Haha. Fat chance. I finished mine long ago, my last few sessions were my mum's.

In any case, I guess even if I did not sign up with any other trainer they would not mind giving me a 'helping hand' now and then when they see me in the gym. Only thing is I doubt I would be going for a week or two now...

Got to go, back is beginning to ache.

Well well, I fell down four steps on the stairs on the first day of the new year. More like slipped on the first step and bounced my way uncontrollably down the rest. A little like Tigger as I related to a friend. Haha. Yea, bum hurts. Followed by the rest of the back because of the impact. Followed by a headache. I went to a Chinese doctor for 'tui na' and the truth is I teared. Almost on the verge of crying too. I hurt the entire length of my back, down to my bum. Ouch! And so I spent today resting in bed. The sinseh said it will be a tricky recovery and it will not be so easy. So here goes...

I messaged my ED, Doreen and she lamented on my behalf what a thing to happen to me on new year. But my retort was that with the worst luck on the first day of the new year, I can probably look forward to a great year ahead henceforth. She commented that it was good I was so positive. Well, bum hurts like hell and the back aches like mad but I can be positive about it and have a good laugh and good year or lament non-stop and make myself downright miserable while recuperating all alone at home and for the rest of the year, cursing and swearing and blaming the fall for my unhappiness. Nah, I will not live thus!

Ok, another day lying in bed tomorrow. Typing this is killing my back already...

Frankly if you ask me, the majority of deaths happened in some of the most populous AND poorest places in the world. Never mind that making a living is hard for them. Living itself has no meaning other than to prolong your existence on earth; what kind of life is this? They are, honestly speaking, better off dead. At least they are no longer hungry, suffering and poor. If you take a step back and look at things from a slightly different angle, it is simply nature's way of evolving. Simple rules of ecology as a friend pointed out.

To me, this event only points out one very stark and true fact: Nature can and will never be tamed. Man can come up with the most fabulous machine to conquer the seas, the skies and even outer space, in their most feeble and naive attempts. But Mother Nature is not one to be lorded over by Man. Arrogant beings that we are. Man has not learnt to respect her. They continue to persist and insist on depleting the richness that she has provided for our simple subsistence, continue to claim ownership over her creatures and lands, and this is what happens when she gets fed up. Remember the movie 'Day After Tomorrow'? Well, it warns of what will happen when global warming gets to a point where it is more than an inconvenience of having to stay home in a freak snowstorm. Stop and think and know that this latest tsunami epidemic is a VERY real example of what it will be like when the issues raised in the movie finally becomes another fact in history.

Yes it is sad that lives are lost this way. But even more lives are lost daily to diseases, illnesses and accidents that we could have prevented too. Do they deserve to die any more? Well, maybe only those that persist in unsafe and irresponsible sex.

It is 5am (!) on a cold rainy morning. Argh! Yawn... Watching an ancient rerun of one of the Qiong Yao series - 'Wang Fu Ya' (which literally means husband-gazing cliff). Anybody has any recollections? I used to luurrrve this show because I thought the male lead was handsome. I still think so but now the show seems so juvenile to me. Haha... the pains of growing up, you begin to find things you once loved 'juvenile'!!!

Went on a tour of all my friends' blogs before writing my own. 'Eat grass' and 'mooo'? Hahaha... 'Quitting work because of underpayment?' Sounds good. 'Watching animations (note it is not considered cartoons when it is meant for adult viewing. Haha.) till 4am in the morning?!' Well, I am blogging at 5am in the morning...

Realised I was the only one left to not have updated in a long while, especially considering how I used to be the one with the daily reads. Ha, some friends commented my blogs were like the dailies themselves, always a good distracting read during lunch. Well, just goes to show how busy I have been at work, never mind life because I hardly had one.

Anyway a brief (I will try to be brief but it HAS been some time, long time) summary of what has been up:

Work Front
My nightmare from hell seems to be over as that horrible woman finishes her term in a couple of days and has been consistently displaying signs of non-interest in renewing her term or continuing her service. Heck, she does not even seem to be interested in her pet project anymore - the quarterly newsletter for the Home. So it seems like good news... But I am going to keep my fingers AND toes crossed until it is official.

And finally! I am seeing some recognition for my hard work! In the first place I AM underpaid for my work as it is, but getting two months' bonus and a pay raise certainly makes me happy. I am easily contented. Haha. I still get a lot less than many of my friends, despite having worked longer than most of them. But I guess overall I had a more interesting career path and choices than most people I know. Comes packed with a heavy dose of experience and networking contacts as well. I am happy. Honest. Of course, a little more money never did hurt anyone. Hee...

However, I had actually just decided I wanted to leave the job by May next year to pursue some other offers put up to me, which are pretty attractive. Considering that the proposer is a lady, with a family, I can safely strike out the possibility that it is because of a 'personal interest' in me that sparked this offer. Hehe... Back to my story... Basically this lady is another one of the directors from the Home's board. We have worked very well together on several projects throughout this year and she has kept commending me on my work and expressing her interest in me working for her should I ever decide to leave the Home. She is very nice to me and has brought up this proposal many times before. In a nutshell, I can choose whether I want to work for her as her staff and develop her current business of design production, OR, be her partner in new business ventures. She will come up with the capital and provide the infrastructures. I will be given a stake in the business and the option to top up if and when I am ready to do so. And I can choose whatever venture I want to do! Cool is it not?!!! Where on earth can you get a similar deal? I had dinner with her last night and questioned her faith and confidence in me and all she said was the important thing is for me to know what I want to do. To her, it is just another business investment and she has nothing to lose anyway since she has a core business to fall back on. (Not to mention a well-off husband, who also happens to be a partner in a printing firm, kekeke) Luckily for me, the few business ideas I had in mind for myself struck her interests too. A couple were even what she herself had thought of doing but never had the resources to.

I just find this all so unbelieveable and just too good to miss. As my dear sister pointed out to me, it is a win-win situation for me as I have absolutely no risk. I do not have to come up with any money and it will just be like working for another employer. If at the end of the day it does not work out, I can simply start all over again with another employer. Sounds too good to be true?! It sure is. There is not even any catch to go with this, like I have to marry her son or what... Haha. I am SOOO... tempted.

Only snag out of the blue? When I was handed the letter informing my raise the other day, my Executive Director told me that everyone is quite pleased with me and she has received no complaints so far and that it seems I am on my way 'up, up, up', to quote her exact words. She also said to me not to worry as she will take care of me. Haha... So how? Will it seem like I am biting the hand that feeds me when I go to tell her of my intention to leave? Sigh.

Anyway, before my last day, I will make sure that the department is up and running on its own, AS a department and not a one-man show like it is now. I will also not leave until the Home has its anniversary dinner celebration. It turns 25 next year. Just like me! Yeah!. Maybe that is why I do feel for the place, we have so much in common! Haha... I meant that in jest, before any of you starts to jibe at me for that remark.

Home Front
Home is quite a cool place to hang out recently too. Haha, maybe because my dad is able to keep house now according to the standards he wants, since HE is the one playing house now, he has been less demanding on my brother and I to keep up with his cleanliness standards. Which he means he no longer yells at us for not wiping this or mopping that. Which also means he leaves us alone to sleep till we want to wake and nap whenever we want to during the weekends. Bliss. (cue silly grin of contentment on face) Of course, it can simply mean that he has totally given up on us actually budging or obliging even if he continued to threaten us. Hee. We still do our share, just more lax nowadays...

Ooh! I hear my mum's alarm go off! And it is almost six in the morning. Freak! Haha.

Anyway, we have plans to go for a family break in January, when I can finally clear my leave! And I have sooo generously offered to pay for my sister's air ticket. I am feeling generous. Although I am still drawing peanuts, the little increment has prompted me to spread a little around for the people I love. So in case you are wondering, if you do not hear from me, please do not come asking. I do not love you enough. Hehehe.... (evil smirk)

Health Front
I need to go see a skin specialist fast! The itching and scratching did not subside despite the stress having defused. In fact, the recent weeks have seen it flare up woorse than it ever did before. Guess it must be a case of delayed and suppressed reaction. I am beginning to get patches on my neck and face. No good. My mum is worried I might be disfigured. I am not panicking yet but I think I will be pretty soon, especially since I see more and more patches on my body everyday. And I do mean EVERYDAY.

And the sinus sometimes drives me nuts. I can wake up with a headache in the morning because my nerves were pinched in the night, due to the constricted airways, which really leaves me without the mood to go work. Or it will send me on a volley of sneezes which kinda leaves me breathless after a while. And the eternal sense of coming down with a flu because of an occasional tender throat and perpetual nasal voice is beginning to drive me crazy. I cannot sing properly now because I am not able to reach some notes, which were of no problems to me before. Argh! Double argh!!

Anyway, I guess I will have to spend some percentage of my bonus on going to doctors. Sigh... This is what I slogged for, money to go to doctors for ailments self-inflicted due to insistence at overworking like a circus monkey. Haha.

I want to go on but I think I shall break here. Catch some shut-eye before daybreak. Going to catch 'Phantom' in the theatre with a friend and I do not want to doze off in the cinema!

More about my gym trips next. Hehe... Yes, I still very on. But sadly, my trainer will be leaving soon.

I HAD another dream last night! And boy, was this one raunchy! Hahaha... What IS the matter with me? I thought the stress period should be over by now.

Well, whatever the future holds. Hahaha...

Been feeling really really ti....red, even though the workload is a lot less now and I do not work crazy hours anymore. I cannot figure out why it is still so hard to get up in the morning even though I sleep a lot more hours now than previously. Some days I just feel so limp and weak physically and yet I do not feel unwell. Just very tired. Well, some nights I do feel a heavy head coming and I attribute that to my sinus problem but other than that I cannot recall anything else that makes me feel uncomfortable.

Oh last night I had the weirdest dream! It was not really a nightmare but it disturbed me enough to keep me awake for almost an hour, at five in the morning! Haha, in the weird dream was Shups, Ah Huat, Ah Bao and me. We were driving along in Ah Bao's car when the weirdest thing happened. I shall not go into details because I really think it is silly but suffice to say I woke up very perturbed and wondering why the people in the dream were there and why such a irrational situation taking place. Haha...

The weather has gone crazy, my body has gone crazy. Now even my dreams have turned out weird. What next? Anyway, my life is one big crazy ride anyway.

Mwahahahaha... (manical laugh)

Is it me or has everyone moved on without me realising? Somehow I feel that my inner circle of friends have all drifted away from me, a phonecall is no longer as reassuring. A meeting is no longer as fulfilling. We seem to have less to talk about, and less to want to talk about.

Is it simply because everyone is overworked? Or that we have all outgrown one another? The sad thing is, some actually seem happier without you and they do not bother to hide that. Well, I do wish all the best for them and only happiness to them. It is just sad when you look back and people you were once close to no longer want you in their lives.

I must admit I did not try very hard either on my end; what being bogged down by work and relationships burdens. I do not think I am very good company to have around anyway and nothing much that I want to talk about without appearing offensive, cynical or offhandish. Perhaps my overtime at work have made me lose my ability to interact with others properly. Sometimes I do wish I were putting in extra hours at work. I do not know what to do when I am home early and I do not seem to be able to ask people out. My social life is almost zilch now and I am using my work as a poor compensation.

You Are From Neptune

You are dreamy and mystical, with a natural psychic ability. You love music, poetry, dance, and (most of all) the open sea. Your soul is filled with possibilities, and your heart overflows with compassion. You can be in a room full of friendly people and feel all alone. If you don't get carried away with one idea, your spiritual nature will see you through anything.

What Planet Are You From?

Hee... this is fun...

You Are the Enthusiast

7 You are outgoing and playful - always seeing the happy side to life. You're enthusiastic and excitable. You love anything new. Multi-talented, you do many things well... and find success easy. You prefer to keep things light with others. Opening up is hard for you.

What number are you?

Haha, can tell I have been surfing around Shup's blog... Kekeke...

November 21st. A day that gave me many reasons to smile, as well as to hope; while putting on my guard against those I work for and with. But many things were further revealed to me in the one full day I spent in close proximity to those in authority. I only have this to say: "At the end of the day, I am only here to work and to serve the residents to bring them a better life; I am not here to prostitute myself or my capabilities, least of all my integrity. Do not think I am a pushover simply because I yield to your ceaseless demands and orders. Do not get me involved in your petty fights against one another. It is not why I am here, and less why I am still staying."

On a happy note, although we did not get the targeted number of volunteers we wanted for our street sales to fundraise, we still did quite well. Therefore I conclude that had we gotten the 1000 volunteers, we would be able to hit our targeted amount definitely. Over-optimistic? Well, I prefer to think confidence helps you to walk further and achieve more than you otherwise would. As a friend gasped in surprise:" You mean you can raise so much money just by selling chopsticks? Imagine how much you could get if you sold forks and spoons and bowls." Haha, I think he was just being silly.

A few days ago, a friend was trying to tell me the latest news on HIM. Well, a part of me did want to know quite badly, but the rational side of me warned that I could very possibly be affected by what I hear, definitely not what I needed just before a big fundraising event. And I do believe it is very true as on Saturday I did feel quite upset for no reason, almost depressed. Ha. Yep...

Anyway, I survived everything nonetheless and I really believe I will continue to do so. Time to do a little stocktaking on other aspects of life now.

Stay tuned for more details...

Hey! This is not accurate at all! What does it mean I am dim? Huff! Do not try this test. I repeat: DO NOT TRY THE TEST!

I am loving my new haircut so much! For some reasons, I feel so liberated by its new length, or lack of. It seems that all my weariness, unhappiness, frustrations, unexplained helplessness were all shorn away when the scissors went snip! snip! Liberation! Freedom!

I think I will keep this hairstyle for quite a while. I was getting a little sick of my old length and styles. Maybe some gold streaks next! Haha.

My new haircut! I LURRVVVE IT!!!  

I am having a GREAT Deepavali! Haha. Slept in late, had pancakes for breakfast, bummed in bed somemore. Showered. Dozed off with a mask on my face. Had lunched. Dozed somemore. Watch TV. Lots of Indian TV. Haiz.... Such is life. For the very first time in my life! Haha...

Such decadence. Bliss.

*wink*

The dinner is finally over, and so is my nightmare. For the time being. One would not be able to imagine or believe the amount of stress and unreasonable demands and abuses I have been under.

I did a calculation yesterday and realised I did 6 weeks worth of work in under a month. How did I accomplish that? Well, basically I worked for more than 10 hours on average, and over 20 hours the last week. Crazy? Yea, I know.

And why did I say my nightmare is over only for the time being? Well, to put it simply it is because there will always be projects on to do and as long as the abominable lady continues her term in the board next year, the chances of working under her again is very high and that will mean a whole year to repeat itself next year. Argh! Yeh... Haiz.

Well, as I was telling my colleague cum classmate basically that woman is alright. She just has a very nasty temper and a very big insecurity and low self-esteem problem. She can be nice to people but she chose to be mean to me, and she makes it very personal. I have been trying to recollect if I have offended her but I really cannot recall. Besides I seldom antagonise someone if I am not provoked first. Ha.

Hopefully when and if I no longer have to work with her she will be much more pleasant to be around.

Not blogged for a long time. Need some time to get back the momentum. Haha. Stay tuned!

It has been a crazy couple of weeks for me, work was really hectic and the schedule gone all nuts. My health is suffering too. Not to mention my poor purse in footing those medical bills. Sigh.

But, I was enlightened in a moment of casual browsing at the bookstore: I am only as stressed as I allow myself to be. I cannot change the environment or other people's actions towards me, but I can change my reaction towards them. Therefore, I will no longer allow that crazy bitch to get me down anymore. I will do what I can within reasonable limits and only if I choose to do so. With regards to all her unreasonable and tyrannical demands I shall tell her I am not able to oblige, she can either change her demands or change the worker. Ha.

Not had much time or mood for anything else. Dates? Bah. Gatherings? Erm... Shopping? Sigh.

Well, you get the drift...

I am beginning to think perhaps I brought upon myself the mountains of work; because I spoil those people by obliging them with whatever they want, never mind the hours at which they request the work.

For example, we were at a meeting just now and it was a good hour after my OFFICIAL working hours. The project chairman requested that I finish some work 'by tonight'. And all I could muster was 'of course'. Ha. Fat hope. Because all I wanted to do this week was to go home early! I was not even for going home on time, just early enough for me to have some chit-chat time with my family members before I zonk out into oblivion.

Of course, I did pack the work home and convinced myself I will finish it at home. But, knowing me very well, I knew of course the work will never get done once I hit home. Just like schooldays; my homework NEVER gets done at home, only in school. I cannot explain why I just know I am never in the mood to do work at home. Perhaps it is a good thing anyway. At least I get some sort of reprieve somewhere. I know, sometimes I still do work at home but that would be a situation where the work REALLY needs to get done.

Well, at least now I know why I am in this predicament. I am too obliging. Too capable.

Haha, ok. I was just trying to feel good with that one...

But I AM good! HA.

Well, judging from responses from all quarters over the past few days, no one seems favourable of me being soft-hearted on HIM, except for my sister... Haha.

I cannot help it if I have a soft spot for HIM, now can I? Yet the whole affair is crazy. Not to mention it could not have come at a worse time, the present being that wretched woman tormenting me at work. Tonight was another rough night.

Haiz.

The last few days, in quiet moments to myself, I find myself in the urge to cry. A sense of lost and helplessness I have not felt for a while. And this feeling is back after months of fighting back loneliness and grief, just when I have begun to find meaning in what I do again, with my total absorption in work.

Why did HE not come back two months earlier, when I was still holding out for HIM? Why did HE choose to come back into my life at this point, now that I have just begun to put the past behind and look forward to new things coming my way? When I have just decided that I will no longer move in HIS shadows? It is killing me inside. Can anyone see my hurt and dilemma and confusion?

Can anyone understand now why I feel angry at God? Why I feel He is playing a joke on me? At my expense? First He gives me a guy, then He takes him away. And now He is returning him back to me when I have given up hope of ever being with him again. Oh God, just what do you want from me? What is the meaning behind all these?

Of course it is easy to say since I have decided to move on, HIS return should bear no effect on me anymore, but are things really that straightforward? Can we humans really be so single-minded? What happens to all the vows I have made for us, between us? Does it no longer hold? Is this not what I had been wishing for? Why am I in a dilemma then? Whether or not there is another man in the picture is not so much the issue. Rather it is IF I still want to be with HIM. And honestly, I really have no idea. I really have no answer to that. I do not know what I want. Not anymore...

I really do not know what to do...

That same night on the day I met HIM, HE messaged me to say HE is waiting at the field near my place and would like to speak to me, could I go meet HIM? I ignored the message and pretended to be asleep. Then HE called me. I refused to answer because I have nothing to say and do not know what to say. On the third call, I could not take it anymore and picked up the phone. I told HIM I cannot go out (it was 12am already and I was not feeling well. The night was a little chilly.) HE can say what HE wants over the phone. HE said HE just want to see how I am. Asked HIM did HE not just saw me in the morning? I asked HIM what it was HE had to say to me and HE just kept saying nothing, HE just wanted to see me.

Then came the million-dollar question: 'This morning that guy your new boyfriend ah?'

Me: 'No.'

HIM: 'Or is it husband already?'

Frankly I have no need to answer those questions. HE has no need to know either. But when HE asked, I did not have the heart to brush HIM off and I did not want to lie.

Does it mean I have softened my stand and am considering accepting HIM again? Or does it mean I am telling HIM 'no' because I am secretly hoping HE will be encouraged by the answers to come back to me?

No. I simply do not want to lie to HIM about what is or not, whether HE has any need or right to know. I did not have to heart to be curt because I did not want to hurt HIM. To me, HE is like a little lost boy right now. While I have no desire to being this lost boy into my home, I do not have the heart to leave HIM out in the rain either.

Sigh... I know I am not doing HIM any favours or justice if I go soft now. Neither am I being fair to myself to have to go through all these again. But it really hurts to have to hurt someone, especially someone you loved.

That night HE also shared that HIS grandfather is in hospital and in a critical state. To have HIM sharing something as personal as this with me very much points out that HE still cherishes me and wants to be back with me, right?

One other thing HE asked was if I was still waiting for HIM. I asked HIM if it makes any difference if HE knows and if I am. Previously, no matter what I said HE will tell me to move on and not to wait. Sometimes HE will say spiteful things on purpose to hurt me. That night, HIS reply was there was nothing HE could do if I insist on waiting. Well well well... If this is not telling what is?!

This afternoon HE called me again and asked about placing an orbituary in the papers. Well, I have not done this before and of all people why did HE come ask me?

Yes, a part of me is aching for HIM and feels sad for HIM, not just for the death of HIS grandfather; but more so because HE is now behaving in this manner.

I spent a little time thinking about this. I am just so tired with the way we were going on. I am happy now the way I am. Of course I was happy being with HIM but I really have no wish to revisit the unhappiness we had too.

Besides things have changed.

Things are different.

What is HE up to again this time?

IT was supposed to be a straight-forward meeting. Pass me my things I pass you yours. Say thank you, take care and bye.

Why do you bother who the man who came with me was? Why bother asking if he was my boyfriend? Why say things like you noticed I am not wearing my ring anymore and I look good now and hope I am happy with my boyfriend OR husband.

Why ask if I am still staying where I was? Why do you persist in finding out the answer when I ignored you? Why do you even ask in the first place?

In all honesty, I did not feel anything when I met HIM just now. Which is good right, as it will mean I am really over everything now. In any case I did say I will not ask to meet HIM until I am able to see HIM and not feel anything more for HIM. I have done that.

It is my day off. Yet I got up even earlier than I usually do on days when I have to work?! No I did not choose to. I just woke! Sigh... Why is it on days I have to work I cannot get up and on my days off I cannot stay alseep? This is such a torture.

And my stress-induced cough is back. It is quite bad too. Signs my stress level is high:

1) The eczema patches on my back are flaring up
2) My cough is back
3) Insomnia
4) Nightmares - of work
5) I am hyperventilating - tight chest and breathlessness
6) Giddiness
7) Jelly legs
8) Less tolerance for incumbence
9) Beginning to curse and swear

and the worst, in my opinion,

10)I am beginning to binge and stuff my face with food!

This is getting serious. No joke.

Need my favourite doctor for some TLC.

How can some people live life making others' lives miserable? How do they do it? I will never be able to grasp such 'high teachings'.

I am already working 12-14 hours a day, sometimes 6 days a week. How can anyone still say I am slacking off? I am not as efficient as before because my workload has increased but not my manpower. And not giving you the amended drafts the next morning when I have only left the office at nine o'clock the night before does not mean I am unreliable or inefficient. After all, I am neither the designer nor the webmaster, how do you expect me to hand you the amended drafts the next day? Even if I were, you mean I have to work through the night for you? How then do you expect me to still give you the same level of efficiency when all my eight tentacles are already in full use? Please do not look to my assistant. He is only a part-timer. He is not paid as much as me how can you expect him to do as much as I? Besides, being a part-timer I can only pass on so much work to him.

Please have some brain, and a little heart if you have any to spare. As it is we are not that highly paid. I am certainly not paid enough to take such rubbish from you. If you are not happy, I will quit one day.

But not before you hear my piece about you. Oh yes. I have written a piece, just for you.

I hate having to take pills to sleep. Please do not do this to me. You will not be the one paying my hospitalisation or medical bills. Do not make me fall sick. My body is already breaking down and rebelling. It is crying out for rest and peace. I can push on but do not give me shit like this to clean. You are just wasting my time and effort.

I have better things to do.

It is all in the mind. If you can do it or not. Whether you want to do it or not. It is not the size of your muscles that count. It is the intensity of your willpower.

I can do it. I know I can. I know I will.

Tiring? You bet! But I will get to the finishing line. First or last does not matter. Finishing does. You are competing with yourself, not your best friend, not your colleague, not your brother, not your enemy.

I will see you there.

Yes, it is four in the morning and I am up. I cannot get to sleep. I think I am too stressed at work again. Every time I close my eyes, thoughts of work and ideas for the next project will come flooding in. How am I to relax and fall asleep?

What am I doing up then? Well, I have finished a marketing plan for my street sales event and done up a proposal for next year's fundraising events. Haha. Talk about being a workaholic...

Can someone please start giving me ideas how I can sleep easier and better? It is not like I hate my job but it will be nice if I can leave it in the office once I have stepped out of the Home. Haiz. I am so consumed by my work. Just as well I do enjoy doing what I am doing. Can you imagine the agony of doing something you absolutely abhorred but have no way to get out of it? Thank God.

Yep, thank Him. Somehow I knew when I accepted this job, or rather when this job found me, it was God's will and I have His blessings in this. Yea yea, I am thanking God. I just said I could not reconcile certain things. I never said I have written Him off...

Maybe things are moving towards another plane, another dimension, another level. Hold that breath for me alright and we shall see what happens next.

	Cheer Bear You're the Care Bear cheerleader! Your spunky personality and optimisim lifts everyone's spirit. Though you want everyone to be happy, you stand your ground on issues you feel strongly about and this can bring disunity among your friends. Despite this, you are a true believer in working together.
Take the Which Care Bear Are You? Quiz!

Another CareBear quiz. Heehee.

My director called me today while I was in the toilet and asked for an update of progress for the projects. THAT female lawyer director. Well, not that I minded since it has been some time since she made her presence felt. The problem was I WAS IN THE TOILET. I was debating whether to answer her call or not but knowing how she is I figured it is only to my advantage if I do. Anyway, she had been away for the last few weeks or so and pretty quiet the past few months, so I thought it would not hurt me to entertain her a little at this juncture. Turns out she was pretty satisfied with the progress of all projects or so she sounded. Ok in any case, I still have till Monday to really have to 'handle' her. Time enough for me to get things ready, especially since I have to be back in the office tomorrow morning.

I thought the stomach flu was not too much of a hassle or problem since I was not too confined to the bed but as it turns out I have been weakened far more than I knew. I could not really go through the same regime of training as I usually do. In addition, it seemed I still need to pay attention to my diet for a while more. The gastric has been acting up a bit these two days too. Not a good sign at all. It seems that once one is struck down, the blows just keep coming. Alright, got to keep my head up and start fighting back real hard now.

One other note, I have been having nightmares the past few nights. Nothing too upsetting but it does seem that I have alot on my mind, consciously and subconciously. The dreams are reflecting issues that are calling out for some sort of attention and resolution one way or another. Guess that is another channel of stress that I have to resolve soon or face breaking down.

First diarrhoea, now swollen eye. What is happening? Sheesh. Two days of medical leave means I am behind schedule in my work, which means I am bringing work home to do again. Which means even though I am not well I still need to work. What is the difference then between working in the office and at home? Sigh.

Anyway, I really got to put in the extra hours now, after 6pm and on weekends... Well, at least I do not have to worry about not spending time on dating or keeping someone company. My time is my own and I can do what I like and want with it.

On the other hand, some other developments are taking place on the studies' front and it is not going as smoothly... Keeping me fingers and toes crossed. Cross them for me too k?!

DIARRHOEA. Something I have not had for a long tiime, and it seems pretty serious this time. Hahaha. Feeling like jelly all over now. Trying to figure out what triggered it off this round. Hmm... Weak...

Ok, pressure is off! I have finally decided to defer my final semester at school. I just could not cope with the heavy load at work and the pressing deadlines at school anymore. My previous results were pretty decent and I do not want to jeopardise them by doing mediocrely for the final papers. It is not worth it. I do want to continue with my paper pursuit, not for the mere succumb to societal pressure of paper qualifications but because of a genuine interest in going further in this field of study.

You are the first people I am sharing this with. Official annoucement. Hey! I have not even spoken with my mum at this point. Yea, it is kind of a pity to give up now, so close to graduation, but I would rather sit out another year or so than see myself get by with less than satisfactory results.

At least I am now able to breathe normal again; hopefully peaceful sleep will follow soon after. Hehe...

Hmm... Why should I let HIM affect me so? It should not and HE should not. I love HIM. But I really no longer desire to be back with HIM. It hurts too much and no one, not even HIM, can tell me that the second time round everything will be better, rosier, happier. We might, or might not, know better what to do. But things will definitely not be the same as it was. I could love HIM as much as I had but it is not the same love. As I have said before, there will always be a shadow hanging over us and it is not just because of the history of a break up. Rather it is because of what I know, what HE does not know I know, and what I know HE will not give up, even for me.

Well, since I have made my decision to move on I should. Regardless of what HE is saying or doing now, regardless of my current situation. Why am I so silly as to let HIM affect me anymore?

Just what does HE want from me? HE kept pushing me away and when I have finally put on my shoes and walked off, here HE comes with another hat trick to upset me again. Actually it is more of an irritant than an upset. Why did HE say that I can hold on to his possessions? Hello, we are talking about an ATM card here, not birthday card. Why is HE so alright with me having access to HIS money? Yes, I know HIS PIN. Crazy is it not?

Of course I figured deep in HIS heart it is probably because HE is hoping that as long as I hold on to HIS things it will mean there is a possibility for us to get back together. If this had happened two months ago then yes, HE is probably right. But now that I have made up my mind to walk away from all these, the chance is slim. Not because I no longer love HIM but because I no longer want to (think about) be with HIM. Even when I was still adamant about us getting back together previously, I had the fear that HE will walk out again the day the pressure got too much for HIM to handle. How much more now?

I have no more confidence that our love will last and our love is all it takes to be and stay together. I am tired of this charade and dragging of our feet through the mud. I am tired of the uncertainty of the future and of another person's commitment to me.

'Please just leave me alone. After all, you left me.'

I am happy with my life now. I am happy meeting people I want to meet. I am happy doing things I want to do. I am happy BEING happy. I do not want to go back to feeling unhappy and uncertain and insecure.

HAHAHAHA... Yes, I cannot stop laughing. That is because I have beaten a guy, flat down, at push-ups on a ball. Those big, colourful balls you sit and do exercises on... It is not a puny guy or a small boy I beat ok. He is about 1.75m to 1.8m, weighs at least 75kg. To top that, he is, or LOOKS, muscular. And I beat him. HAHAHAHA... Please excuse my self-indulgence. I do not get this everyday. To top that off, he has issued me another challenge. Stay tuned for the updates. 'Mm zai si'

HAHAHAHA...

Hahaha... Someone challenged me to push-ups on the push-up ball. Well, according to my trainer, I have no need to fear. Come on! Hehe...

This is crazy. I took the week off to do research for my paper. But other than spending half the day today at the library, which did not yield very much results, I did not accomplish much otherwise! Not to mention that I was supposed to hand in an assignment today on financial management, which needless to say I have yet to complete, because I am absolutely clueless on how to complete it! Sigh. And on top of that, I had to go back to the office in the evening for a meeting, which only depressed me further because of the extra load of work to do within the same timeframe as other projects, which are at least underway already and this is only in the preliminary stages. Goodness! They've not even decided on the project chairman yet! And this project comes right after the heels of two major projects and before the christmas celebrations. I need to breathe here!

Well, at least I attended a talk this morning which did help spark off a trail of thoughts for my paper. Not absolutely waste of a perfectly good day. Then again considering the fact that I woke up at six this morning to make it for the talk it HAD better be good. Haha.

I did have a good time taking things easy. My brother hung out with me and later my trainer joined us for a couple of hours too. Well, at least I DESTRESSED a little. Really needed to unwind. I could feel the body rebelling already. The cough was acting up and so is the rash, which if I am not careful is going to spread ALL OVER. Very unpleasant.

Hiaz... better sleep. Turning nuts. I am already being called nuts. Or nutty woman. Then again, it is the pot calling the kettle black. In fact, the pot is beyond wash. Hahaha...

Is this how you see me? Seems quite accurate. But I do not think I make a very good role model for a leader.


You are Proverbs.

Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by

Worked a full day today. Brought work home to do. Off for the whole of next week. But I seriously doubt I can cast work aside. I will probably have to go in a couple of hours for one or two days. As it is, I already have to turn up for two meetings and several appointments with sponsors have yet to be confirmed.

I hereby admit to being a workaholic. And I probably enjoy being one too. Working does give me a sense of satisfaction and empowerment. A sense of confidence and achievement. Well, I do not have to worry about having to make time for anybody anyway. No longer an issue. Haha...

By the way, just a word of update on that loser trainer. I do believe he does have some kind of interest in me, still... From what my current trainer told me, he did try 'inconspicuously' asking my trainer about me, or rather my 'training progress'; he makes me laugh, as well as roll my eyes in wonder. Just what does he want? Hahaha...

Oh! Just in case any of you wonders: I am truly over HIM now. I do suppose if you make HIM stand in front of me now I will be able to retain my cool and act at least civil if not warm and friendly. Haha. HE does not bother me now, neither does anything to do with HIM or our past. It WAS and it will stay that way. Over. Finito. Passe.

Amen.

Hello!

Hi!

How are you?

Missed me lately?

Not seen you around for a while.

Busy?

How are things going for you?

What is happening now?

Going a little nutty here. Please indulge me somewhat. Hahahaha...

Work is great, going fine actually. Well, no doubt things are still a little hectic but everything is really coming along just fine. In fact, things seem to be looking up for me generally. Haha. Most of you will probably get the vibe that something is going on with me. And you are probably right. But I am not saying anything so please do not bother to ask, spare yourself that agony.

The first thought that comes to mind will probably be: 'Oh my God! You are dating!' And then the next thought will most likely be: 'Who is it?' Well, I think I can assure you enough that no, I am not dating. I am not seeing anyone. I have simply come to terms with life and issues that were bothering and plaquing me before. Now I have thrown everything out, flushed it down the toilet bowl. Only problem now? How do I put away the physical memories without being wasteful? Hahaha...

Ahh... Freedom. How good you smell!

I really need a break. From work. From school. From people. I am so tired. I have a week's break coming up but I need to spend that doing my research. I am not relaxing in case you are envious.

Come October. Come quick. I need a break! I do not want to break down before that.

Sigh.

Slow day. Real...ly slow. Could not concentrate or focus on work. Felt really restless today. Sigh. Good thing I am having the day off tomorrow. Do not envy me. I worked hard to trade for this. Too hard. I am beginning to think I am crazy to push myself so hard. It almost seem like I am punishing myself. And why should I punish myself? Crazy right? Haha...

Somebody entertain me!

Ok, actually I should get back to work. Hahaha...

Sometimes I wonder if I am pushing myself too hard at work; after all when I look at my project schedules, I am actually on target for most of them. Do not know why I feel so stressed and so pressed for time to finish my work. Haha... I went to the doctor's two days ago. He told me I'm too tensed and stressed. Need to lay off work a little. Offered me two days MC but I only took one. Never imagined there will come a day where I will actually turn down MCs... Hiaz, but just imagine for two days of rest I will have to work four days to catch up. Not worth it at all.

Oh yeah, the psycho struck again. For those of you who have heard my horror encounter with this psycho you probably have a pretty good idea just how scary he is. Anyway, he contacted me like two Sundays ago and I told him I was busy and that was that. Then yesterday he started sending me messages again, asking me how I am and what I am busy with and how he is still thinking of me (shudders). O.....k... Told him I am still very caught up with work and school and hardly have time to socialise. The gist of the whole situation is that I am trying to tell him I have no time for him and not interested to find time for him in the nicest possible way but he just goes on and on. Come on, even on the very first date I have made it very clear to him that I was not on the lookout for romance. So what is this issue about me making excuses not to meet him or dating someone else, and here is the funny one, that 'is he not my type'? Duh! How did he manage to figure that out now... (say that in a very sarcastic tone now). Told me that I should feel free to be very honest with him if I am not interested in him or is seeing someone else 'because it is a torture just waiting around for an answer'??? Why is that suddenly my fault? I gave an answer even before he posed the question and I definitely told him his decision to wait will have nothing to do with me. Sigh... He is not just a psycho. He is a desperate psycho. And a very dense one. If he thinks that I am finding excuses to reject him then why does he not just take it as it is and buzz off? Do I really have to be brutal? Haiz...

On top of that he had to go bother my friend and ask her about me and when she tells him I am as busy as I have said I am, he thinks she is lying to him. What the....?

Men. As a good friend once worked out for me: men = trouble

Haha. Yep.

I like the feeling of being appreciated. I like being wanted. I like being pampered. I like being missed. I like being thought of.

That is enough to make me feel happy for the time being. It made me feel worthy again. Worthy of being cared for and loved. Worthy of loving again.

Am I in love? No I am not. But I am being loved.

Today is the beginning of a new beginning. Yesterday has passed and it took with it the unhappiness of the past months and the dying ambers of HIS memories. Something happened yesterday. The same way something happened three years ago. I took a risk then. I am taking another risk now. Different risks, but still risk. HE will always remain in a corner of my mind and heart but HE will upset me no more. Will I still care about HIM? Of course, but I am drawing a line and a distance between us henceforth.

Three years ago yesterday I asked if HE liked me and if HE wants to be with me. Three years later I let go of the pain and haunting grief. Three years later I am walking down a different path. A path I never thought I would take. Then again, many things happened in the past three years which I never thought I would do either.

I am different. I have changed. Maybe you can tell maybe you cannot see. It does not matter. You may judge or prosecute me. But it is my choice and I stand by it. You may not recognise me anymore but I love you all just the same. What I am not saying is to save you from heartaches and disappointments when you know. Just be my friend, not my judge. God is judging me already.

Leaving on a jetplane - John Denver

All my bags are packed I'm ready to go
I'm standing here outside your door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye.
But the dawn is breaking it's early morning
The taxi is waiting, he is blowing his horn
Already I'm so lonesome, I could cry

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go

I'm leaving on a jetplane, I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh babe I hate to go

There is so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I tell you now they don't mean a thing.
Every place I go I think of you
Every song I sing I sing for you.
When I come back I bring your wedding-ring

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go
I'm leaving on a jetplane, I don't know when I'll be back again

Oh babe I hate to go

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time let me kiss you
Close your eyes, and I'll be on my way
Dream about the days to come
I won't have to leave alone, and I won't have to say:

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go

I'm leaving on a jetplane, I don't know when I'll be back again.
I'm leaving on a jetplane, I don't know when I'll be back again.
I'm leaving on a jetplane, I don't know when I'll be back again.

Oh babe I hate to go.

Will someone ask me to stay if I said I wanted to leave? Who will that someone be?

The head was splitting today. In fact it started last week, but I bit my lips and ignored it. And it exploded yesterday. I think the upset the night before did me in. Well, anyway it should be the last time I get upset over HIM.

By the time tomorrow rolls along everything will be laid to its final resting place. No more tears, no mor hopes, no more dreams. No more illusions. Much as I am reluctant to, HE will become a part of my history only. A reluctant history.

Head spins.

I had another dream last night. In this dream I saw HIM. I felt HIS reluctance to come back because of HIS insecurity and uncertainty. HIS inferiorty complex stood like a mountain between us. HIS fear of not being able to give me what HE thinks I want.

I think I cried in the dream. I know I felt very sad. But I heard me telling myself that it is time to let go. If HE cannot overcome HIMSELF I cannot help HIM and no amount of waiting will make a difference. HE has to get over HIS lack of self-confidence first and to start believing in me when I say I do not care for the material things. I think I walked away from HIM in the dream. I could not bear knowing how much HE loves me but feels too inferior to be with me.

I love HIM but life has moved on. I am beginning to visualise a future without HIM. But the road is lonely.

For now.

It started in the middle of the night. I suddenly awoke with this urge to cry. From the depths of me I could feel a surge of sadness and a tsunami of tears rushing to the surface. I was right. But I wish I was not.

Today is the day of our anniversary. The day we got together three years ago. The day I asked HIM if HE likes me and wants to be with me. Yep, I was the one who asked HIM. I could sense HIS interest. I was worried I might be too upset today to work so I took the day off to be by myself. Just in case. And I was right. The whole weekend I was waiting for that feeling of unhappiness and disappointment and when it did not happen I was quite relieved as I thought nothing will happen then. Who would have thought it will hit me in the middle of the night? I certainly never did.

I had wanted to ask HIM three questions on this day:

1. Do you still love me?
2. Do you still want to be with me?
3. Do you still think that being able to give me what I want will make me happier than simply being with you?

I wanted to ask HIM out today to ask HIM the questions. I wanted to ask HIM the questions I asked three years ago. I was hoping to hear the same answer. Yes I still love HIM very much. But I have decided to let things be. I will not ask anything anymore. If one day HE is ready to come back, HE will have no privilege over others in the line. HE has to woo me as I am being wooed by others now. And frankly I do still have choices. And I am not opposed to them anymore.

I have just one worry, that this day will cause me to do things I will wake up regretting tomorrow morning. I feel weak and vulnerable today. I feel reckless and irresponsible today. I hope I do not run into any temptations today. I will succumb. It may be that I WANT to succumb, in an act of rebellion. Please do not judge me then if I do.

I just got home from work. Really. Do not ask why and what I was doing in the office till so late. Yes I was working. No I was not working all the way entirely. Yes there was a lot of work to be done. No I was not using work as an excuse not to go home.

I am feeling vexed. Remember that feeling you used to get as a student when you know you have not done your homework or studied your test and oops, tomorrow is the deadline? Well, 'Mount Work' is only ever getting higher and I forever, seemed to be only at the foot of it. But no, it is not work that is wearing me down, even though I am spending longer and longer hours in the office working. I feel, and I know, I am on the very verge of breaking down and succumbing. To what? Go figure. I honestly do not have the courage to write it down here and tell everyone. But I know if I cannot draw strength from somewhere soon, even though I know I will MOST DEFINITELY live to regret it, I will go ahead to do it. I am that vulnerable now.

If any man comes along and is super sweet to me now, I know I will melt. Literally. I am that tired. Haha. Ya, I should not be making a joke out of this. It can turn serious. If you know what I mean. I know out there there are at least two of you who do.

'Hey Sam, you know what that means?'

Two days more to go. I do not know if I will break down on that day. I am bracing myself for it.

You picked Strawberry Short Cake!

Romantic, warm and loving. You care about other
people and can be counted on in a pinch. You
tend to melt. You can be overly emotional and
annoying at times.

What Your Dessert Says About You
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You may have noticed that I have not been blogging much. That is because I am so overwhelmed at work. So many things to do. So many nights of working till past 9 or 10; and so many of you thinking that I spent those nights partying. How sad... Nobody even gave me a call and asked how I am. Sigh.

Anyway I was doing a recap (of my life) sometime ago and I felt to a certain degree I am happier now but I confess that this is due only to my suppression and refusal to think about anthing else other than work and school. The long hours at work only meant that by the time I reached home I will be too tired to do anything much other than sleep. I had also came to the decision that waiting CONSCIOUSLY for HIM is only making me miserable. While if I just went about my life without thinking about the issue I can actually find some days when I feel really relieved.

Two days after that decision, I bumped into HIM. I was completely offguard. I wrote something on that chance meeting but I did not blog it. I will put it up later.

Anyway, that meeting threw me off, and everything else I thought I had laid to rest came charging up to the surface again. That was the reason for me feeling really down and unhappy. Took me sometime and a great effort to brush it away. I am fine now. Thanks to work! Haha. Ok, I had some help from a couple of friends too. Uncle James helped too by always teasing and playing the fool around me. Haha, it is really difficult feeling awful around that man. He is always so chirpy and full of nonsense, and always so carefree-like. It is hard not to like (being around) him. And that I am quoting my brother.

I shall stop here. I need to go prepare the food for my bbq tonight. YUM.

Gay Bear

Which Dysfunctional Care Bear Are You?
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Yea, did this in the midst of folding the laundry. Super sian day. But it is a good time for me to recharge for the week coming. Another mad rush of events: 2 seminars to attend, reports and proposals to do, sponsors to call up and meet, school assignment to complete, another quiz, research paper to start, GYM TO GO... A girl has only so much time... Sigh. Hope I will not konk out before the next Friday rolls along again.

I was feeling to tired to blog actually. But then I remembered there was something I wanted to announce: 'I put on weight!'  Yep. That's right, Uncle James weighed me at the gym today when I told him I think I put on weight because the pants are no longer as loose. And the scales showed 39.9kg. Not bad. Our target is to hit 43kg. Hee. Uncle James was quite impressed that despite my small stature, I was quite strong in my arms and legs; puny as I am. Haha. Don't mess with me.

*hai-ya!* *karate kick*

Can you believe that I worked OT almost every night this week? Even when I had Saturday off I was still wondering if I should go back to work. There just seem to be so much to be done, just waiting to swallow me up. It is really hard to concentrate and churn out reports and proposals and letters in the day too when one keeps getting interrupted by phonecalls and visits and meetings. Gosh, I am really tired. Fortunately this time round I truly enjoy my work and it is by choice that I stayed back to clear the workload. While I did not purposely stay back for show and pretend to be hardworking, it certainly helps that people noticed and acknowledged my presence at 10pm in the night. Ha, promotions and pay-raises here I come... Of course, I am only wishing...

On the other hand, I neglected my schoolwork and skipped several classes because I was so caught up and overwhelmed with work. Sigh, got to put in more effort there too. Does not help at all that this semester everything goes by individual projects. No more sharing of workload...

Well, there is certainly much more to be said, but between work, school and making sure I clock enough hours at the gym ('Hey! I've already paid the membership after all?!'), I am all maxed out. The workload is only getting heavier and heavier even though I have an assistant now to help share the burden. But as the world turns, everyday there is a new project to handle before the current ones are even up and running on their own. Can you even begin to imagine the amount of planning, coordinating and proposing I have to come up with; not to mention that I now have to start running around outside to meet potential sponsors, donors and collaborators. Phew! I am breathless just typing this out.

On a more sombre note, and one which I believe most of you are more concerned about, I have started thinking a little about how things stand between me and God. While I never had the intention to turn from God totally, I guess I have not exactly sat down and figure out just what is wrong and what I should do. On the bright side, I never really let go of God. Many times I still find myself calling out or reaching out to Him, habit or subconscious? Better than nothing right? Well, give me some more time, I am sure I will be able to walk out of the valley somehow. I know you are all withholding your comments and concern now, maybe because you are afraid telling me anything now will drive me further away from God. I appreciate the time-out from all of you, after all, would I not know whatever encouragements, advice or 'gospel truths' that you want so much to dish out to me? Really thankful for not nagging me or pressurizing me during this time. It has indeed made things alot easier on me.

Well, it is past one-thirty in the morning. Better sleep more, tons to do tomorrow, even at home and away from work. I am really lagging behind in my school assignments.

Super BUSY day. Or as we like to say 'jin bo eng ah!'. Hahaha... So what am I doing blogging in the middle of a busy day then? Well, because the stupid accounts fellow decided to choose today as THE DAY to do miantenance to the server, which means I cannot access my folders and documents until he is done so here I am now trying to look busy and yet not waste my time literally doing nothing.
 
Ok, server's back up. Got to work now. Later.
 

She Believes In Me - By Steve Gibb
 
While she lays sleeping
I stay out late at night and play my songs
And sometimes all the nights can be so long
And it's good when I finally make it home
All alone
 
While she lays dreaming
I touch her face across the silver light
I see her dreams that drift up to the sky
And she wakes up to my kiss
And I say it's alright
And I hold her tight
 
And she believes in me
I'll never know what just what she sees in me
I told her someday
If she was my girl,
I could change the world
With my songs,
But I was wrong.
 
But she has faith in me
And so I go on trying faithfully
Forever in my heart she will remain
And I hope and pray,
I will find a way, find a way
 
While she lays waiting
I ask myself why do I hurt her so
What calls me on along this lonely road
Why don't I turn around and head back home
Where I belong
 
While she lays crying
For she knows how my heart is ripped in two
I'm torn between the things that I should do
She deserves it all and I'd give it if I could
God, her love is true.
 
And she believes in me
I'll never know what just what she sees in me
I told her someday
If she was my girl,
I could change the world
With my songs,
But I was wrong.
 
But she has faith in me
And so I go on trying faithfully
Forever in my heart she will remain
And I hope and pray,
I will find a way, find a way
 
While she lays sleeping
While she lays sleeping for me
 
I took the song above from a friend's blog. Somehow this is what I wish HE will be thinking. Which will mean that I am waiting for HIM to turn back right? In a way yes. But I also really wish I can meet someone who will take my mind off HIM. Someone who can help me move along. Contradictory huh?
 
Never mind, I shall live life as it is now and see what comes along.
 

Work has been really hectic the past two weeks and that is why I have not made entries recently. Also, too many things have happened too fast. Before I can figure out what is happening another event has taken place and I am two steps behind in my blogging.
 
I think to pick up from where I had left off is a little too tedious, not just for the writer (moi sincerely) but also for my faithful readers (that's you). Anyway, I will summarise things:
 
I uploaded my picture on the MSN match.com profile  a few weeks ago and I have been hit by a neverending barrage of emails and requests from people ever since, mostly males of course. It came to a point where I think 'ENOUGH' and two days ago I suspended my profile. Ahh... peace. So why did I put it up in the first place? Well, I just wanted to know if I will get more responses than I had the past few months when there was no photo. Duh right? Never mind... That said, I am looking at it only as a tool to meet more people doing different things for networking purposes and also to broaden my perspectives of what I already know, or think I do. I met some decent people who are just looking for a chat only also and maybe to make friends. There are some weird ones out there too but I have blocked them from contacting me on Messenger already. I really have no intentions at all of meeting them up in person, not at this early stage anyway. And even if I do it will definitely not be just the two of us at any quiet spots. More likely we will sit at the bus-stop and talk. Haha... Safe enough right? No more getting into anybody's car! Keke.
 
Of those people I met through this means is a nice guy from NZ (or at least he is pretending to be nice to me, haha. By the way, he could be reading this too. 'Hi Sam'). I will touch on him another time. ('Hey Sam, you're only the third guy I named outright here! Aren't you feeling honoured?! Hee.') Yes, this is taking up quite a bit of time from me during the day, especially when I am rushing against the clock to get work done. Haha. Well...
 
I will not talk about my gym sessions for the time being except just to point out that Quek went down with me on Friday and, I am not sure about her but I enjoyed the time hanging out together and laughing at some of the people in the classes. Hohoho... Yes, I am very evil. Oh, by the way, she saw that trainer... the one I was interested in. Not much comments from her except that she thinks his eyes look sleepy. Yea... Ha. She met my current trainer too. The uncle one. Uncle James. Fatherly fellow, funny and irritatingly so. Feeling quite sayang-ed by him actually, because he will text me almost everyday and ask if I have eaten and how I am feeling. Well, at least he gives me the impression that I am getting my money's worth through his show of concern.
 
Work is thoroughly oppressing yet satisfying at the same time. I have never felt that there is so much to be done and that I can do but it seems just so right now. Despite feeling drained, I do feel happy also with the progress I am making, for my nursing home as well as for myself. That said, I was so tired on last Saturday that I almost cried and of course all I could think of and wanted was to be in someone's arms and be comforted like a little girl. HIS arms.
 
Yes, I still miss HIM. I often wonder when I will ever come to a point where I will stop missing HIM and if I will even notice it then. I cannot help myself but every guy that comes along inevitably gets compared to HIM and the strange thing is even if the other guy is better in every other way, I realise it is still HIM I am pining for. How does one let go of a love lost then? I really have no idea at all. I am not even certain myself what I want. Some days I think I am crazy to go on like this and I should just walk away as fast and far as I can. On other days, I just want to sit in a corner with the memories that were and convince myself that one day the wait will prove worthwhile. The rest of the time, I just try not to think at all to avoid going fully bonkers. Then again some of you might ask 'you mean you are not already?' So am I ready to meet someone else or not? Am I open to meeting someone else? Sigh... no idea also. But I think it will be really unfair to the other person. Unless he is really genuinely keen to know me and do not mind waiting or when I have put HIM away for good and am ready. Or if I am also interested enough in the new guy to want to change the status quo. 
 
Too many things are happening too fast too overwhelmingly. So many thoughts in the head and so many clashes of emotions in the heart. It is a picture of stormy seas in my head and heart. Even the soul is sometimes lost in the roars of those seas.
 
What do I want? Where do I want to go or be? I really do not know...
 

Not had time to pen my thoughts the last week. Then again it could be because I hadn't had much time to think in the first place. Or rather, I have been telling myself not to think so much, rest the heart and mind a little. So even on my two days off I tried not to analyse things too much.

There are several things which have happened this week but I am not too sure where to start archiving. Besides, I realise that some of the things I say here are really very much a spur of the moment record of the situation. Things move on faster than I can write them down and after a while I feel like I am chasing after the wind. But more for myself than for my 'faithful readers', I guess soon I got to sit down and really regurgitate everything, for sole purpose of my reference. Ha.

Well, till then night!

Someone thought I was a uni grad. Said I had an air about me that says so. Huh? Haha, well if only future prospective employers all just assume so too...

I am actually getting a kick out of going to the gym. Now I am always planning and wondering when is the next time I can make it for a session. There is a strange sense of satisfaction and accomplishment with sweating it out. It feels like all the frustrations and unhappiness all just ooze out of the pores together with the perspiration. At the end of it, you are so tired you just slip into a deep slumber and before you know it, morning has come and it is another day.

I am definitely much happier now but the heart is still not agreeing with the head. Every ounce of me says not to be silly and not waste my time waiting for uncertainty. On the other hand, the heart cannot help but be soft on the man you loved so much before and still loves. You forgive and forget every wrong and every tear and you still look to him for solace and comfort.

I am feeling lighter but I am not any less confused. I am just living each day as it comes and try to be as happy as I can. I am not going to think anymore so as not to add on to the confusion that is already swirling wildly inside me.

Eat, sleep, work, study... Enough to keep me occupied for the time being.

Some of you are not too certain what happened the past week. Well, the conclusion is that I have finally decided to 'sack' the trainer. It is a very simple equation actually. When he refused to reply me my question to him, I decided that is it. No point dragging on and make myself miserable or appear hard-up for him. That is not really the case anyway. Funny thing is while he was the one who has been keeping silent, he has also been the one so far to be 'playing games' with me. Each time he sees me and my brother at the gym or at the pub he will try to attract my attention by speaking loudly around me or staring impolitely at my brother. Huh? It's ok, I do not really care anymore. But I will play along if he wants and we will see who has the last laugh. Haha... Cheap thrill? You bet.

Anyway, things are uneasy not just for me but for some of my friends too, each with their own set of problems. All of us trying to cope as best as we can and know how. Most are leavng it to God's hands, while the rest like me, just try to get by each day. I suppose it is all part of growing up and getting acquainted with the world. I feel sad for all of us. I feel sorry too that we are all hurting so much. I guess at this time, we can only do so much for each other since we all have our own burdens. However, I know we will never walk away if we do get a SOS call. I know I won't. In fact, it is actually kind of like a catharsis when you try to console someone else and their problems take precedence over your own. It makes you feel you are not such a big deal after all. I hope my friends will not shy away from coming up to me or the others. Altruism IS a soul-soothing thing. Let us all do something for one another.

My brother wants me to mention him in here. He thinks it will increase his chances with my lady friends. Huh? Ok, as long as it makes him happy.

My brother is Oliver. He is tall and dark. You decide for yourself if he is handsome. Of course, there are only so many people reading this blog and I SERIOUSLY doubt they will be likely to fall for him, never mind if I say good or bad things. Hahaha.

Anyway, I promised him and I did it. Ha.

Ok, I will stop here for now. Leave more for tomorrow. Or whenever... Monday off! Yea.

Ok, turned out the loser trainer could not remember anything he said two nights ago. And he insisted he was not drunk. Well, whatever. He asked me what he said so I resent the whole conversation to him. Yes, I kept his messages. Not all, it does get cleaned up. He has yet to respond. So I guess in a way I have my answer already anyhow. Ok. I'm not as upset as I, and many others, feared I'd be. Cool.

HE got me on MSN yesterday and I could not run away fast enough. Decided to 'thrash' things out with HIM. I told HIM I do not understand what the email is saying. I asked for an explanation. Hey, after all HE was the one pestering me for a response to HIS email... And this was what HE had to say:

HE: i not asking u to wait

HE: just telling u wat i decided

HE: u dun hv to wait

HE: u can go ahead to go out with any guys

HE: live ur own life

Me: wat have u considered and decided about us?

Me: u do not want to b with me anymore right? even if u r doing well now

HE: i not doing well now

Me: i'm saying if

Me: if things r going well for u now r u saying u'll come looking for me? to ask me back?

HE: yes

Me: and how long will that be?

HE: wat how long?

Me: how long more do u need?

HE: i dunno

HE: and u dun need to wait

Me: if u still want me then why don't u even want to see me?

HE: if i miss my chance then so be it

Most of the reactions I had gotten from friends after telling them what happened were of the same tune: HE's not worth it. Who does HE think HE is to do this to me? Many of them were angry too. But remember, this is only part of the conversation. I cannot possibly relate everything. And anyway, is it just me who is looking at this more objectively than the rest of the world? Of course, all of you would beg to differ and prefer to say instead I am just being biased. But really, does it not say something about the man if he cannot bear for you to struggle with him and instead chooses to let you go?

Anyway, you would want to know my take on this right? Well, as I've said earlier, I am just going to keep living the way I had before I saw the email, and I will continue to do what I feel like doing or want to do. No doubt, the heart sometimes still misses HIM but that is as far as it goes. I cannot and will not just live my life thinking of waiting out for HIM. That said, of course there are still moments when I find myself longing for HIM. My heart and head have fallen out with each other long ago. They have stopped working in tandem and are always confusing me with dilemmas.

Well, at least today I no longer feel like shit. Ha.

I can say I am alright. Really. Truly.

I shall write my reflections and confessions and conclusions tomorrow.

In a span of less than 24 hours, Missy Bel had a complete turnabout of emotions and moods. Feeling even slightly better than she did before Sunday, when she read THE EMAIL. What happened? Read on.

30 June 2004

0900hr to 1130hr: Feels like crap. No mood to do anything. Woke up late for work. What the heck. Can't be bothered. Must put in that off-in-lieu request form by today! Cannot take it anymore...

1130hr: When's lunch? Hungry. Did not take lunch today. Sigh...

1145hr: Don't care, just go eat now. Can't think without food. Still feels like crap.

1200hr: Shit. Taking my lunch so slowly but it is too over too fast. Feels really lousy. Wants to talk to someone. Maybe I'll call S. See how she is. Focusing on other people's problems might distract me from mine. Go kaypoh a bit.

1215hr: Sigh, she's busy. Her lunch hour is at 1pm. Call her later. Dozed off on the bench on the roof terrace. Nice weather, but a little chilly, wearing too thinly, no cardi... Haiz.

1255hr: The guys went down to look for her for lunch. How nice of them. How come no one comes looking for me for lunch when I feel so crappy? Haiz. Think I shall go back to work.

1330hr: Yea, the IT guy is here. I can finally set up my email accounts properly and start to work.

1445hr: YES! I can finally install MSN and ICQ. No more feeling alienated when I work in TPY now. Haiz, still not in the mood to work.

1500hr: Collected cheque for ballroom booking deposit. Shall go down personally to Fort Canning to pay up. Gives me some time off work and out in the streets.

1600hr: Panting a little from the climb up the hill. Phew. Should start exercising more seriously. After all, I paid for the gym already.

1615hr: Ok, everything's settled. Now to head back to office for 5 o'clock meeting. Hope my colleague brought the right folder down for me from Bedok... Still feels lousy. And a little sleepy now too.

1700hr: No time to feel anything now! Staff meeting with the Chairman and 2 Directors sitting in. Presenting later. Think; how do I want to present my part...

1730hr: Not thinking much but feeling shitty still. Oops! Handphone buzzed! Got an sms. From the waiter down at the pub. He's asking if I'm going down tonight. Hmm... well, I do feel like shit and I don't mind going down honestly, but got class... By the time it ends it's like so late already.... Tells him no.

1745hr: Oh, he sounds kind of disappointed. Turns out he won't be around for the next week or so... Oh wel, see how later.

1830hr: Finally the meeting is over! I'm so late for class. Rush rush rush. Hungry....

1915hr: On the bus at last. Think it will be past 8 o'clock when I get to class. Haiz. Well, better late than never.

1930hr: Talking to my godbrother on the phone. We tried analysing me and the email. Hmm. Bah! Decided I'll call him later to confirm if we are to go down to the pub.

2015hr: Hey, the class is having their break! Great, I'm just in time to join in. Ha.

2020hr: I have absolutely no idea what the lecturer is talking about. We are suppose to do a research paper on our own. But I didn't catch what the paper is suppose to be like and how and what we are to do.

2030hr: Think I'll continue the letter I was writing to my friend in China. Yes, in Chinese.

2130hr: Oh, class ended early. We've all zoned out so the lecturer decided to let us off early. Ok, quick call kor. See if he still wants to go and if he's picking me up. Spoke to some classmates about a project I have in mind and they all seem keen. Ok, got to work on it then.

2155hr: Sheesh, no answer. So do I go home or what? I'll wait at the bus-stop. No answer means I go home when bus comes. Oh, R buzzed. Ask me what the plan is.

2205hr: Bus' here! Hop on. Haiz, thought I can go unwind a while at the pub...

2215hr: Oops, R called. Said he can pick me up at my place and we meet kor there. Duh. I'm on the way home already. Says he'll meet me at my place. Ok, as long as it's free ride. Haha. Hungry. Not had dinner yet!

2230hr: Ok, bike ride's here. Head down to the pub and grab dinner on the way.

2245hr: DINNER... Where's kor? Always late. And not answering my calls too. URGH.

2315hr: Ok, dinner's done. Shall stay for just one drink and we'll go. Tired. Actually don't feel like drinking. Oh well, will just go and say hi to the waiter before he goes off next week. Don't think I'll be going down before he comes back anyway. The research project seems heavy-weight! Better stay home more to work. First proposal due on next Wednesday, a 1000-word paper!

2430hr: Home! Boring night anyway. No one is in the mood for anything. Still feeling horrible.

2445hr: I see my bed!!! Ahh... Ok, better send that email R asking for first.

0115hr: Shower time. Sleepy. Still shitty.

0140hr: Chatting with R online. He's talking to me about the email. I got a conclusion. I shall do as I feel like doing, and continue on as I have before the email came. Yea. Right now, I feel like texting the trainer and tell him how I feel. Hee.

0210hr: Shoot! HE's online too. And HE's text me online before I can hide. Sigh, asking if i received HIS email. Why oh why, does HE have to appear at this time? Sigh... Shall I answer HIM? Ok I'll just say yes and go off.

0213hr: Ok, sending message. Told the trainer that I'm a little interested in going out on a few more dates with him and I'd like to know how he feels also. Asked him to get back to me in the morning. Now, to bed...

0221hr: HUH? The phone buzzed. Who could it be? GASP, the trainer actually replied. Hmm, he's not sleeping yet. Ooh, he said it was nice going out with me. Asked me where I am.

0225hr: Asked if I remembered the date we out on. Now why would he want to know that... Asked me a few times too.

0230hr: I asked him for the reason first before I give him the date. Yes, Missy Bel notes down all her appointments in that little blue book of hers so it's easy to track. He promised to tell me later...

0247hr: Dozing off.... BUZZ. Told me to go sleep first. He's still busy. Ok. Not waiting anyway. Tired. But now, I'm feeling happy. SMILE, a grin is plastered on my face and the heart finally feels light again.

0330hr: Another loud buzz jolted me out of my light sleep. Scared the shit out of me. Turns out to be a friend who's still up. ARGH!. Can't go back to sleep anymore.

0335hr: The mind begins running a hundred thoughts a minute. Oh no, another sleepless night.

0530hr: Just beginning to doze off....

0810hr: LATE!