MSN - IM window pops up
He: how are u feeling?
Me: 'clicks close button'

What do you say to someone whom you have no idea what to say to? And after all this time of silence and pretence what else is there left to say? What is he hoping to hear? What does he want to know? He already knows my reluctance and unhappiness over the break-up. He knows how much I had wanted to start all over again with him. But I have committed myself to put a stop to all these. Being disappointed time and again and hurt repeatedly has drained me. I am not able to function properly and normally. I hate feeling inadequate and insecure.

Do I reply: I'm going great without you! Never been better. Or do I say: I still miss you now and then. Or do I say: What's it to you? It's none of your concern and worry anymore. I could have said all those and more. Or none at all. But nothing will make any difference. I know I will definitely sound sacarstic no matter what I say because I don't understand why he still bothers. Being hard on him is definitely easier for me to move on, as he kept telling me to.

Am I strong? I don't really think so. I'm more of a weakling because I'm taking the easy way out by simply feigning ignorance. I'm afraid that if I break my silence and speak to him, all the effort I put in in pulling myself together and rebuilding my wall will come tumbling down again. I really have no more energy to deal with that anymore.

Does it mean I no longer love him or want to be with him? No. It just means I have stopped thinking about everything to do with him and us. I have committed this relationship (or not) to God and I'm taking a backseat from now on.

The evil about this is ever since I've made this committment, it seems the devil is out to crash me, by sending subliminal messages and suppressed memories back to the fore of my mind, trying its hardest to pull me down. How hard I had to pray to God to let it pass and grant me peace. Haiz....

I will survive...

Ramble ramble.....