Okay, so that day I had to leave before my dumplings were cooked. Just as well. Learnt later on it came out swimming in the water. I did not wrap it well enough. Haha. Save me the embarressment of being present when they fished it out.

Anyway, last Saturday after the lesson in making dumplings I went to a friend's wedding. It was a friend from my secondary school; but we only got better acquainted this year, after 'reuniting' last year. He is now my business partner. Along with another guy.

So what I wanted to say was at the wedding I saw some people I have not seen since graduation. Some looked totally different. Some hardly changed. Of those who did looked different, two stood out particularly starkingly. Both guys. One looked not too bad in school but I think work totally ravaged him. The other one, hmm, let us just say he got better with passing time. Haha.

Time really does unpredictable things to people. Those whom you were once close with may drift apart as time goes by. Some you were never close with in the past suddenly becomes your new best pal. Just as there are some wistfulness with the loss of old chums, I suppose there are excitement and new energy coming along with new pals.

To friends I have drifted apart from over the years, all the best and God bless in your future. To the new friends I have made, may we build many more beautiful memories of our friendship in the coming years.

The Dumplings Festival will be here next Tuesday. Or some call it the Dragon Boat Festival. So today, I made dumplings! Heehee...

I made like.. 8? Of the peanuts filling variety. This is supposedly the traditional filling favoured by those of the Hock Chew Dialect. Its natural peanut fragrance is enhanced when you drizzle sugar syrup on it. Quite yummy for those who likes food simple and non-oily. But I had to leave before it was cooked. So if it did not turn out well, well... I got my godma to claim credit for it. Kekeke... Hope the dumplings did not come apart during cooking.

Give me a chance, it was only my first lesson. But I think I only need more practice. Next year, I'll be giving away to those who dare try. Any one wants to put his or her name down first? Haha...

Men.

Those you want not are always clamouring for your attention.

Those whose attention you want have no eyes or time for you.

Is it just me or are all the girls out there experiencing the same thing? Haha...

Seriously, is it so hard for the men to just purely be friends with you? I am getting really irritated and tired of having to be diplomatic yet not hurt them. Why is it subtle hints are not getting into their heads. Yet when you spell it out clearly to them they claim you are cruel. Worse, that you had been leading them on all these time.

It is so difficult to remain friends if they cannot accept that it will not go beyond that. I want to state that unlike most girls, I do not play mind games with the men. I tell all upfront or behave likewise that I have no interest in them beyond being friends. So I cannot be faulted as toying with them. I do no such things.

Does anyone have any idea or a good suggestion what a girl is to do in situations like this?

I opened my internet explorer to search something online. But the moment the window opens up, I forgot what I wanted to search for. That was about an hour ago.

So I did some online tests. Apparently Arians suit me well. Any Arians out there looking for an Aquarian?

Haha.. And hungry.

Well, I am finally officially registered.

Should I print 'Towkay Neo' on my card?

Haha.

Crazy times. Crazier emotions. Craziest dreams.

Is it just me or is it me?

I just feel so tired at everything. Everyone. Have I set a standard so high on people around me that I feel just so let down? Or am I just making things miserable for myself and the people around me?

What went on the past few years? Did I drive myslf down a dead end or did I miss the signs alon the way? Did I refuse to let others hitch a ride or I just prefer to walk alone?

Have I been making the wrong choices and decisions? Have I been wrong in my thoughts and ways?

I just want to stop and find rest and peace.

I did not find that in church. I lost that with God. People have been telling me to go back to church and to go back to God. To not put faith in people. But they cannot understand the loss of faith and peace I once had in God and church. If I cannot have faith in people and I cannot find faith in God, where then do I turn?

Can anyone understand me or what I am trying to say? I have been misunderstood so often and my words so misconstrued that I really do not want and cannot be bothered to explain anything.

Sometimes I just want to lay in bed all day and stare up the ceiling till I float away and disappear.

Have you ever laughed while watching tv but inside your heart is aching?

I really do not know if I had done the right thing or not. Should I have exploded? Should I have left? Should I have returned?

Imagine being a stranger in your own home.

Last night they came home to no dinner. And though they were not happy they did not bring it up against me.

Tonight I made dinner. They ate out.

I feel like yelling and smashing things. And yet I could not bring myself to have the strength to do anything.

If I am watching tv in the living room downstairs, they will retreat to their room. If I am in my own room, they ignore my presence.

What is the point or sense in asking me back? Perhaps they never wanted me back only. Asking when I am coming is just for them to know, not cause for them to be concerned.

Other than my siblings who talk to me like normal, my mum hardly said anything to me or about the matter since I was back.

My dad just went about as if I were invisible.

And all I am waiting for is them to say the first words to me.

Now I cannot tell if I am wanted at home or just given a room to stay.

I only wanted to update my blog and I was forced to move to the new blogger! ARGH. Not happy.

Life is full of shit. Well, not my own life currently but somehow I still got stained by it. Haiz.

And some people are so funny. If you are not going to pay me on time, are you still expecting me to perform 100% or even 101%? Come on! Show me the money first. I am not a mercenary person but neither am I doing charity. You want better performance? Pay me on time!

It is one of the reasons why I quit my job. Because I was not being paid on time and on top of that being owed alot of money. If I had been able to accept that I would not have quit. Nincompoop.

I do not like or appreciate people who try to pull a fast one and try to bully or take advantage or others.

PLEASE TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR EVERY MORNING.

Why do people want to fall in love so much if all that caring for someone else only brings misery upon themselves?

Why are people so eager to please another person only to bring bruises upon themselves?

What is love all about at all?

Nothing brings on as much tears to one's eyes as love does and only love can bring on so much sadness to one's heart.

Today I was given a preview of what my future holds. I was told that I will marry a rich man and have a good comfortable life in my later years. But, I will marry late.

Actually it was not the first time I was told this; that I have a face of fortune. More accurately, my nose. Actually, it made me wonder instead if I bring the guy fortune for having married me or that he is already a rich man. If it is the latter then he is probably an older guy. Heh.

Whatever.

It is Christmas eve. The dreaded time of the year is here again. Once every year always punctual. Sigh.

I do not enjoy Christmas for many reasons. Not least BECAUSE I am a Christian. But few will understand.

Bah humbug.

It was a murderous moment. I could have killed him. And I know he would have done the same. I was prepared to jump forward to slap and tear at him. I can ignore anyone who tears me down. But I find it most hurtful when he is the destructive one. I have never known or heard of any one like him. To tear your closest family down, even in front of outsiders. What kind of sick perverse delight do you derive from acts like these? It is one thing to be disapproving, and quite another to be simply spiteful.

Do not ever utter the words to chase me away. For you will just get what you wish for. I do not expect you to be encouraging or supportive. And I do not care to hear what you have to say to me either. It will do no good to my soul or spirit.

The other night a friend asked me to go to some boutique opening with him so I said ok. We got there just as it was ending, but we were given a goodies bag each anyway. Hehe. We left after about 20 minutes, for another event at MOS. A Chinese magazine's anniversary celebrations. Met alot of media people. Or rather 'saw'. Because I could hardly remember the names of those I met and I doubt they do too. Which brings me to the point of writing this down.

Media people are really a strange lot. While their jobs are about making one another look good (or bad) and digging up all the secrets they can on each other, they cannot for goodness sake's be open or personal about themselves. Everyone there was so superficial and shallow. Except for one or two ladies. Who actually bothered to really talk to me and showed genuine interest in what I say, instead of just talk AT me. I was not exactly bored at the event, but I cannot say I was entertained either. But I did get a reconfirmation of my assessment of how people turned out in the media industry and why I do not want to be a part of it. I really cannot imagine being happy working in such environments.

Some highlights of the event:
1. Met this really famous hairdresser who charges the sky for a haircut and found out he was only my height. Hehe... Now if only I can earn the kind of money he does...
2. Saw some artistes. The tv really makes one look MUCH taller. Hehe, maybe I should try getting some exposure on tv...
3. There was this auntie at the club whose top of the head only came up to my chest. Somehow, there is a strange comfort knowing I am not the only or oddest oddball in the place.

Why are the above highlights? No idea. Maybe it was because I went with a guy who is 1.8m tall and it made me somewhat self-conscious standing next to him. We had a polaroid taken but he has not scanned it in for me yet so no pictures to show.

Maybe next time.

I am weird. Wahaha...

Last night was WOW. I was photographed and I looked naked in that shot. Haha. Maybe I will post it up somewhere for show.

Then I went club-hopping. First stop was a small pub in Boat Quay but my friends had left for MOS and so that was where me and my Prez headed for. Went in via the VIP line, finished a bottle of whiskey. Relocated to Dragonfly, also no need to queue. Just walked right in. Bumped into an old pal I have not seen for years. Promised a lunch next week. Finished another bottle of whiskey.

I felt kind of out of place in both clubs honestly. Other than for the drinking, which I did not even like the choice offered, I felt funny 'dancing'. Yea right, some of you will go. But I really hate club dancing. It feels and looks stupid to me. I can dance on stage in front of hundreds of people, but I cannot dance WITH hundreds of people. And it was more like just shaking than dancing. It is not even considered free form dancing to me. Dancing means there are proper steps and movements, with or without meaning behind each move. Shaking in a club has no meaning. Other than trying to catch someone's attention to you gyrating booty. Not my kind of fun.

It has been almost a month since I have been staying home. I feel quite a sense of accomplishment actually. Washing, cooking, cleaning. It is quite me, as a friend pointed out. I must confess it is, hehe.

Ok, I did more than that. I did do what I set out to do also. Spend time with my grandmother. Only some people mistaken that I will be spending all my waking moments with her. I was not thinking quite that way. I visit her once or twice a week at her place. Sometimes more if she wants to go out. Most times she gives short notice. Like she will call:'What are you doing now? I want to do/go ______ (fill in the blanks). Are you free to go with me?' Then I have to drop whatever I am doing and just go. I am not complaining here, do not misunderstand. Just giving a picture of what things are like.

Other things I did... Had a few offers thrown my way. Some more enticing than the others. But all are interesting. Funny thing is my father thinks I cannot get a job and refuses to believe that I do have quite a market out there. Keeps throwing me names or ideas for work Cannot seem to get it into his head that I am NOT looking for jobs.

Life is good. Now if I can just find a way to top up my bank account balance.

This is really good. My stick figures never looked this good.

Stick figure drawings.

Straight to the point.

Last month she said I was childish. Last Friday she told me I was matured. The most matured of the lot in fact.

Last month she said I talked too much at work. When I kept my mouth shut this month, she asked why my face is so black at work.

And then she said my hair is messy. I cannot remember the last time someone said that and I am really guilty of being so.

Is she going to think I have ugly shoes this week?

Sometimes I just believe that when a person in power starts to treat you like this, it is your signal to go.

I am going. No sweat.

I was supposed to do it today but I called in sick. So I will do it tomorrow. In any case, I think they are not that understanding or happy about my recent sickness and leave taking. So maybe it is a good time too. Before we start pulling out each other's hair.

I know my grandmother is really happy whenever I am there for her, even if we just sit side by side not talking.

She needs me more than anybody else now.

I bought myself a gift. For all the hard work I have put in and all the upsets I had endured. I like my new toy. Maybe I will take a picture one day and post it up.

But it will be the last indulgence I give myself for a long time. I have to start being prudent and stinge alot again. Money will be tight. I will really appreciate if you ask me out for the occasional meal and movie and PAY for me.

Grandma is sick. She is not able to care for herself anymore, and nor does she bother too. I am going to take care of her. I have decided to quit my job to care for her full time.

I will not let my grandma feel that no one cares for her anymore now that she is old and sickly. I will not let her pass her days unhappy and be careless about her health anymore. I will nurse her back to health and make her days comfortable for her.

I will not let myself regret I could have done more for her.

I love my grandma.

Updates on my recent life

1. A young man asked me out to watch fireworks. Young.
2. An older man called to say he wants to ask me out. Older. Two actually.
3. A married man tried asking me out few times. Then ask why it is so difficult to date me.
4. My boss is entrusting me more than I want to be. Difficult.
5. My boss' wife is beginning to find faults with me. She hates that my boss is giving me more trust than to her.
6. A friend called me from afar. Called to hear my voice. Called to make me smile.
7. Someone said he misses me alot. A lot a lot.
8. Been travelling quite a bit for work. Tired.

That is all. Work is good, boss and his wife suck. Wahaha. I will survive another week.

Humans are so hard to please and so absorbed in their own grievances.

We really need to look more inwards at ourselves and wonder why we are always demanding so much from others and weigh how much of ourselves we have given in return.

We are living and working in a fast-paced society. Every one has their own stress and needs.

Let us learn not to lash out at others because we have reached our own limits. Look to the skies and realise how small we are and how much more we can open up our hearts.

I am not adverse to people telling me what they think. But I AM adverse to people who hide behind anonymity to tell people what THEY think. Especially if they do not have even the sligtest idea what I am talking about or referring to.

Mr or Miss Anonymity on my tagboard is just being plain irritating and rude, and I will tell you so even if you are my friend or someone I know.

This is the reason why so many politicians and governments find no integrity in online posts, and often go to the extent of banning it. Because more often than not, the slight minority who chooses who to make their views known choose to do it behind the safety screen on anonymity so easily set up online.

Expressing your views online is not a bad thing. It only becomes dubious when people refuse to bear responsibility what they say.

If I am Miss Stubborn, Mr/Miss Anonymity is plain rude and arrogant.

Stubborn is when you know you are wrong and insists on being wrong. I have never been that if I have been convinced that I am wrong. I just stand firm in what I believe in and persist in being so, until proven otherwise.

I can delete Mr/Miss Anonymity's comments easily. But I will leave it on to show his/hers shallowness in knowing me.