At the risk of sounding sacarstic, I must say that I do feel a little bemused by the amount of traffic on my tagboard these few days; I have not had been able to generate so much interest or attract so much sparks to what I had been writing for such a long time, that it had been feeling as though I was back to writing in my little book, where I was the only reader.
After thinking about things a little, and asking around some people, I come to the conclusion that I am not the sourpuss or sore whiner that many of you think I am. In fact, the people who see and work with me everyday thinks I am a joker. And I am always telling people, that it is only a job. Vent it out, laugh it off. It is another day at work. They all know that I do not pull a long face at work or curse at everyone who passes my way. If I never let any one of you know that is how I am then it is my fault indeed. Or maybe I did and you were not paying attention? Never mind, now you know. For the record, people do enjoy working with me and having me around.
AND I do enjoy my work. Again I clarify myself, it is the people I work for I no longer enjoy working for. Perhaps you will think that it is the normal average office politics that happens everyday in most workplaces. But please remember that I am working for a charitable office, under a non-profitable management who have many other side (and personal) agendas and motives for being on the Board. So it is not your commonplace politicking that is taking place here. While I can understand and will be more tolerant if it were a commercial corporation, I cannot condone and abhor all these schemings that go on under the pretence of charity. I may not be a very noble or morally-correct person, but I can still feel disgust when people do charity for the most selfish and non-charitable reasons. I do not know how many of you are in the same position as I had been, reporting to almost 10 different bosses EVERYDAY, for the same or different projects, who are all scheming against one another, while pretending to be best friends during meetings. Everyone has their own goals to accomplish for each project, often deviating from the general picture that they are painting everybody else. So while I have to meet their goals for them, I also have to create the fiasco that everyone believes it is to be. And these people do not care anything about you or the hurt it causes you, while they are making use of you to achieve what they want.
That is my pressure and my stress. Can you even begin to emphathise the kind of environment I was working in?
Yes, I had been writing alot of unhappy stuff. But it is my way of relieving my pressures. More often than not, I always feel alot better after ranting it out here. After all, this is where I ramble on. Do I have to be politically correct even when I am just putting into record what I think and feel? This is after all my diary right, I can write what I want, can I not?
To be fair, I think I wrote a fair bit of pleasant and inane stuff too. I have been known to be opinionated and I have always admitted that. But I have never forced anyone to think my way or accept what I believe in. Rather, I am always given the impression that I have the 'wrong thinking', just because it can sometimes be a little unusual or unorthodox. I just prefer to look at things from many different perspectives before making my conclusion, so that it is a fairer one to all. How many can say they do that too? Most people grew up believing one theory and it is all they are willing to embrace throughout their lives. I prefer to give every one a chance and all the benefit of doubts.
AS for being attention-seeking, are we all not seeking attention at one time or another? I do not think I am the only one or the most serious one. I do have alot of angst sometimes, and I do rant on abit sometimes. But I do not recall blaming anyone or feeling victimised. If I did, I would not be joking about it or find ways to get out of the rut. I would just continue to wallow in my self-pity.
I believe happiness is a choice. My choice. So I choose how I want to be happy and who makes me happy. I am happy with my life. Like many of you, there are ups and downs all around me. I just like airing my grouses too.
I do not deny either that I am an idealistic perfectionist. Believe me when I tell you I feel very stressed by myself too whenever I think I cannot meet certain standards and goals I set myself. Needless to say, I of course have some expectations from the people around me as well: Parents, Family, Friends, Work. I have caused myself much grief over the years and often the aftermath is that I will beat myself up for being so hard on me. There comes times too when I will jolt one day and realise I have been too harsh on the people around me, that I am thinking more reel than real. I beat myself up for that too, and after that I go into a period of hermit living and withdraw within myself to meditate and readjust my realities.
I do alot of self-analyses and self-reflections. I am always readjusting myself and my views on life. How can a perfectionist not be a critic? On herself as well as on the world. Is it a surprise then that I seem to have an opinion on everything? But it is always only opinions, never judgements. Even if I judge, it is the act and not the person. If I do judge, then I judge myself more and harsher than I ever judged anyone.
Am I a heartless, loveless and emotionless person? I beg to differ and really hope none of you thinks so. If I really were, then would I have bothered with what was assumed and said about me these days? Would I bother to scream that I did not list any names? Would I have felt sad that friends who have been with me for the past 10 years said what they did to me? Would I have cared that they misunderstood me so badly?
These are friends who have been with me during the most difficult periods of my life, when many unhappy and unfortunate things happened to me while we were growing up. Some I have shared, some I did not. But it never occurred to me that just because I said nothing they were ever any less of a comfort to me. I do not get to hear everything that happened to them either, but I never turned anyone down when they wanted to talk.
It tears my heart then and really made me cry when I read about all the things that were said and how assumptions and accusations were flying around the place. Even by people who could not be forthcoming enough to comment in their own names when pointing their fingers, and whom I am not sure how they even come into play.
What started as a means for my friends to know me and my private thoughts a little better only caused them to misunderstand me further. Then this blog has not met its purpose and has lost all meaning.
Should I henceforth only tell you about frivolous and chirpy things? Then I will not be telling what I really want to say would I?
Friday, July 29, 2005
I hate conflicts. You mean no one knew?! That is why I always prefer nipping things in the bud before they get out of hand. Once they do, I usually just fade away, far from the gunfiring. I do not like talking about things once it has exploded as well, because I feel both parties will be too defensive to listen to anything, myself included. I would rather wait till I can recall the incident and no longer feel any pinch, then I go ask about it. Different people need different lengths of cooling periods, for different matters. Sometimes I calm down very fast, sometimes it takes a while. But I never believe that you hold a grudge forever. I know I do not.
I hate assumptions too. It hurts everyone when meanings are misinterpreted and emotions run wild following that. I am sometimes guilty of assuming too, but I always consciously remind myself I should not. And I apologize for it. When people assume, a few things happen: you feel hurt, you hurt others, you do not bother to find out the truth, you do not listen to the truth. Always remember that 'ASS U ME = assume'. Especially if you are not aware of ALL the details and heads and tails of the issue, DO NOT join in. You will only fan the flames stronger.
No matter how bad things go, I never tell anyone goodbye and that I am leaving for good. As mentioned earlier, no grudges are forever. It just takes time to cool things down. Remember the song that goes 'And friends are friends forever, If the Lord's the Lord of them; And a friend will not say never, 'Cause the welcome will not end'. We cannot choose family, or the bratty sister and annoying brother. But we sure as hell chose our friends. To have chosen EACH OTHER, there must be some karma cosmic at play. Do I not see nods?
Things are getting very ugly, and unpleasant. But if I am seen as the perpetrator here, then go ahead and stone me if it makes everyone happier.
I just believe that as friends, you cannot tell them how to think or what to do. The best is just to listen and be around when they need you. Perhaps I have not listened enough myself. Perhaps no one listened when I talked. But at this point it is no longer important, because it seems that there are alot more other issues at play here than 'who did not call whom'.
Michael W. Smith - Friends Are Friends Forever
Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
I can't believe the hopes He's granted
Means a chapter of your life is through
But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends
And with the faith and love God's given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you live in
Is the strength that now you show
We'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends
To live as friends
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends
No a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends
Going through the lyrics, it makes me realise it is both a sad song and a happy song. Perhaps it is time for the friend to move on, so that is sad, but the friend will know that he is always a friend, so that should be happy. Whether we take this song as a whole or just parts of it, I just want to say that I do appreciate ALL and every one of you, for everything that was done for me. And I do remember. Do you think your mum does not love you just because she did not say so? So why think I have forgotten just because it was never mentioned? Is friendship something that you make a physical record of every incident and reciprocate every act? I do not think that is possible! How can we peg a value to every act that comes forth and say if it is as much or less than another?
I do not want to continue listing who did what and who did not do what anymore. It is becoming meaningless.
I hate assumptions too. It hurts everyone when meanings are misinterpreted and emotions run wild following that. I am sometimes guilty of assuming too, but I always consciously remind myself I should not. And I apologize for it. When people assume, a few things happen: you feel hurt, you hurt others, you do not bother to find out the truth, you do not listen to the truth. Always remember that 'ASS U ME = assume'. Especially if you are not aware of ALL the details and heads and tails of the issue, DO NOT join in. You will only fan the flames stronger.
No matter how bad things go, I never tell anyone goodbye and that I am leaving for good. As mentioned earlier, no grudges are forever. It just takes time to cool things down. Remember the song that goes 'And friends are friends forever, If the Lord's the Lord of them; And a friend will not say never, 'Cause the welcome will not end'. We cannot choose family, or the bratty sister and annoying brother. But we sure as hell chose our friends. To have chosen EACH OTHER, there must be some karma cosmic at play. Do I not see nods?
Things are getting very ugly, and unpleasant. But if I am seen as the perpetrator here, then go ahead and stone me if it makes everyone happier.
I just believe that as friends, you cannot tell them how to think or what to do. The best is just to listen and be around when they need you. Perhaps I have not listened enough myself. Perhaps no one listened when I talked. But at this point it is no longer important, because it seems that there are alot more other issues at play here than 'who did not call whom'.
Michael W. Smith - Friends Are Friends Forever
Packing up the dreams God planted
In the fertile soil of you
I can't believe the hopes He's granted
Means a chapter of your life is through
But we'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends
And with the faith and love God's given
Springing from the hope we know
We will pray the joy you live in
Is the strength that now you show
We'll keep you close as always
It won't even seem you've gone
'Cause our hearts in big and small ways
Will keep the love that keeps us strong
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends
And friends are friends forever
If the Lord's the Lord of them
And a friend will not say never
'Cause the welcome will not end
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends
To live as friends
Though it's hard to let you go
In the Father's hands we know
That a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends
No a lifetime's not too long
To live as friends
Going through the lyrics, it makes me realise it is both a sad song and a happy song. Perhaps it is time for the friend to move on, so that is sad, but the friend will know that he is always a friend, so that should be happy. Whether we take this song as a whole or just parts of it, I just want to say that I do appreciate ALL and every one of you, for everything that was done for me. And I do remember. Do you think your mum does not love you just because she did not say so? So why think I have forgotten just because it was never mentioned? Is friendship something that you make a physical record of every incident and reciprocate every act? I do not think that is possible! How can we peg a value to every act that comes forth and say if it is as much or less than another?
I do not want to continue listing who did what and who did not do what anymore. It is becoming meaningless.
Wednesday, July 27, 2005
I DID NOT LIST NAMES.
WHY DID YOU ASSUME IT IS YOU? IF YOU THINK IT IS YOU DO YOU NOT FEEL IT WILL BE MORE APPROPRIATE TO PICK UP THE PHONE AND CLARIFY WITH ME?
DID I SAY ANYTHING TO YOU THAT SUGGESTS SO?
STOP ASSUMING THINGS. EVERYTHING. WE HAVE ONE MOUTH FOR US TO ASK AND TWO EARS FOR US TO LISTEN.
IF NONE OF YOU CAN PICK UP THE PHONE AND ASK WHAT IS WRONG, THEN NONE OF YOU HAS THE RIGHT TO TELL ME I AM WRONG.
IF YOU THINK I DO NOT CARE FOR YOUR CONCERN, THEN MAYBE YOU DO NOT KNOW ME ENOUGH.
I DID NOT, AND AM NOT ASKING FOR PITY.
IT IS UNFAIR FOR ALL OF YOU TO SAY WHAT YOU HAVE TO ME WITHOUT FINDING OUT THE FACTS AND DETAILS.
WHY DID YOU ASSUME IT IS YOU? IF YOU THINK IT IS YOU DO YOU NOT FEEL IT WILL BE MORE APPROPRIATE TO PICK UP THE PHONE AND CLARIFY WITH ME?
DID I SAY ANYTHING TO YOU THAT SUGGESTS SO?
STOP ASSUMING THINGS. EVERYTHING. WE HAVE ONE MOUTH FOR US TO ASK AND TWO EARS FOR US TO LISTEN.
IF NONE OF YOU CAN PICK UP THE PHONE AND ASK WHAT IS WRONG, THEN NONE OF YOU HAS THE RIGHT TO TELL ME I AM WRONG.
IF YOU THINK I DO NOT CARE FOR YOUR CONCERN, THEN MAYBE YOU DO NOT KNOW ME ENOUGH.
I DID NOT, AND AM NOT ASKING FOR PITY.
IT IS UNFAIR FOR ALL OF YOU TO SAY WHAT YOU HAVE TO ME WITHOUT FINDING OUT THE FACTS AND DETAILS.
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
My right jaw has a dull ache that means I cannot open my mouth wide. Ouch. I need morphine.
And I am so sleepy too. Snuck into the boardroom for a shut-eye after lunch just now. Still feeling drowsy. Must be the weather. Better go home early tonight and sleep more. Hehe.
Another 9 days more to my last day. Yeah! Every day I have to face the irritating moron that likes to act cute is a torture to me. Makes me real grouchy and bitchy. Haha.
I learnt a new lesson too. That is one JUST HAS TO KNOW that you are being cared for, even when you get no phone calls, no emails and no messages for months on end; during a time when you most needed a friend. And that if your friends shun you, it is because you are boring, whining, repetitive, and most of all, your own fault. Most hilariously, you pushed them away yourself. At a time when you most wanted them around. Whew.
Ok.
I will bear that in mind, the next time ANYONE comes to me asking for a listening ear.
I hate to make use of of this to talk like this about such things. But I guess if it makes everyone more comfortable and happier, why not? No conflicts. I hate arguments, not that I always lose. I hate clashes. What would you want me to say that you want to hear? Can you accept what I have to say?
And I am so sleepy too. Snuck into the boardroom for a shut-eye after lunch just now. Still feeling drowsy. Must be the weather. Better go home early tonight and sleep more. Hehe.
Another 9 days more to my last day. Yeah! Every day I have to face the irritating moron that likes to act cute is a torture to me. Makes me real grouchy and bitchy. Haha.
I learnt a new lesson too. That is one JUST HAS TO KNOW that you are being cared for, even when you get no phone calls, no emails and no messages for months on end; during a time when you most needed a friend. And that if your friends shun you, it is because you are boring, whining, repetitive, and most of all, your own fault. Most hilariously, you pushed them away yourself. At a time when you most wanted them around. Whew.
Ok.
I will bear that in mind, the next time ANYONE comes to me asking for a listening ear.
I hate to make use of of this to talk like this about such things. But I guess if it makes everyone more comfortable and happier, why not? No conflicts. I hate arguments, not that I always lose. I hate clashes. What would you want me to say that you want to hear? Can you accept what I have to say?
Wet cold morning. Perfect for sleeping in. Fantastical to have someone to snuggle up next to. Hee. But I only got two bolsters.. *deep sigh*
A friend sent me a forward email yesterday. It was an email reminding us of the atrocities committed to the countless innocent Indonesian Chinese, especially the females, in May 1998. If any of us can still remember. The email stated that the tsunami tragedy on December 26, 2004 was God's punishment to the perpetrators. And that we need not have donated towards this cause or feel sorry for any one, in particular the Indonesians, who were the worst hit.
Well, I have a couple of thoughts on this. First of all, I really do not think this is the correct attitude to take towards a fellow man, never mind his colour or beliefs. Two, it may or may NOT be God's will but we should not have talked or thought about it this way. Three, humans have very short memory. A double-edged sword really. They tend to forget the goodness of people and never forget the faults of the same; at the same time, they seldom remember to learn hard lessons from history and what stupid things not to repeat committing. (Though I am not trying to say the Indonesians have done good, because I have no examples to cite. It is just a general statement, which is generally true) Fourth, why do we always hope the worst for people we do not like? Why are we such selfish, arrogant individuals? Why are we suspicious of people's intentions for no valid reasons? What are we trying to prove by hitting out at our fellow being when we should be offering a hand instead?
Mankind. How ugly you have become.
A friend sent me a forward email yesterday. It was an email reminding us of the atrocities committed to the countless innocent Indonesian Chinese, especially the females, in May 1998. If any of us can still remember. The email stated that the tsunami tragedy on December 26, 2004 was God's punishment to the perpetrators. And that we need not have donated towards this cause or feel sorry for any one, in particular the Indonesians, who were the worst hit.
Well, I have a couple of thoughts on this. First of all, I really do not think this is the correct attitude to take towards a fellow man, never mind his colour or beliefs. Two, it may or may NOT be God's will but we should not have talked or thought about it this way. Three, humans have very short memory. A double-edged sword really. They tend to forget the goodness of people and never forget the faults of the same; at the same time, they seldom remember to learn hard lessons from history and what stupid things not to repeat committing. (Though I am not trying to say the Indonesians have done good, because I have no examples to cite. It is just a general statement, which is generally true) Fourth, why do we always hope the worst for people we do not like? Why are we such selfish, arrogant individuals? Why are we suspicious of people's intentions for no valid reasons? What are we trying to prove by hitting out at our fellow being when we should be offering a hand instead?
Mankind. How ugly you have become.
Friday, July 22, 2005
I am counting down everyday, to the very last day of my service here. Bleah. It is such a bad aftertaste even just thinking about it.
The other day I was musing to myself then my colleague: people always start on a new job all excited and fired up. Almost 90% will declare 'I love my job' in the first three days. However, every time I hear someone wanting to leave, it is always because 'I hate my boss'. Or colleagues. But rarely the job. Sad is it not? When you love your job but got no choice but to leave because you are working with morons and lice.
I still love my job. But I am tired of getting shot down for nothing and having suspicious and small-minded people all around, having to watch my back and cover my backside everyday.
On the bright side, my new job is waiting for me. And it is so much more exciting. I will get to go places, travel! Yea! I have always wanted a job that will bring me places, literally. However, I am also getting a little jittery for the first time since I have been working. Not very confident I can pull off my rank.
HEAD OF MARKETING cum PA to MD. Whew!
But I am getting only the pay of a senior executive alright? Not very high, but more than now. Almost $400 more. Hee. Happy. *contented grin*
But it will not be the last these people here see or hear of me.
I'll Be Back.
The other day I was musing to myself then my colleague: people always start on a new job all excited and fired up. Almost 90% will declare 'I love my job' in the first three days. However, every time I hear someone wanting to leave, it is always because 'I hate my boss'. Or colleagues. But rarely the job. Sad is it not? When you love your job but got no choice but to leave because you are working with morons and lice.
I still love my job. But I am tired of getting shot down for nothing and having suspicious and small-minded people all around, having to watch my back and cover my backside everyday.
On the bright side, my new job is waiting for me. And it is so much more exciting. I will get to go places, travel! Yea! I have always wanted a job that will bring me places, literally. However, I am also getting a little jittery for the first time since I have been working. Not very confident I can pull off my rank.
HEAD OF MARKETING cum PA to MD. Whew!
But I am getting only the pay of a senior executive alright? Not very high, but more than now. Almost $400 more. Hee. Happy. *contented grin*
But it will not be the last these people here see or hear of me.
I'll Be Back.
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
I think sometimes I am a bitch.
I like being a bitch.
Being a bitch means I do not have to consider other people's feelings. Being a bitch means I can say what I like, as I like, when I like. Few people cared enough to ask how I feel anyway. So?
Then again, I will not deny that I can be difficult to care for sometimes. That often people who try to show concern only end up with a bruised ego. Eh, no reason to give up trying if you really cared right? Or if you are a true friend. Then again there are many ways of showing concern. Perhaps I am not 'acclimatized' to the method you have chosen.
I always believed that being a friend does not mean you have to know everything about your friend. It is more about being there for your friend when he or she needs you.
It is really sad when you thought you had friends but no one ever asked how you are, even when they know you are unhappy.
Does it take something drastic to jolt us all out of our comfort zone or complacency?
Work will not kill me. But I always believed that one day, either my parents or my friends will.
Wahahaha......
I like being a bitch.
Being a bitch means I do not have to consider other people's feelings. Being a bitch means I can say what I like, as I like, when I like. Few people cared enough to ask how I feel anyway. So?
Then again, I will not deny that I can be difficult to care for sometimes. That often people who try to show concern only end up with a bruised ego. Eh, no reason to give up trying if you really cared right? Or if you are a true friend. Then again there are many ways of showing concern. Perhaps I am not 'acclimatized' to the method you have chosen.
I always believed that being a friend does not mean you have to know everything about your friend. It is more about being there for your friend when he or she needs you.
It is really sad when you thought you had friends but no one ever asked how you are, even when they know you are unhappy.
Does it take something drastic to jolt us all out of our comfort zone or complacency?
Work will not kill me. But I always believed that one day, either my parents or my friends will.
Wahahaha......
Monday, July 18, 2005
Today, for the first time since I resigned, I felt a little sad about leaving. To the point where I was afraid I would tear on my last day. It is because of the people there. Not the people you are thinking about though.
It is those old folks there whom I have come to care for and thought of as I raised funds for them. As I presented their cases and situations to each visiting group as they come. As I defend the policies I stood by. All for them.
And there are the other staff there. All the foreign staff, from the kitchen to the maintenance to the nurses. I will miss all of them. They have taught me humility in this age of self-centredness and arrogance.
This evening, as I informed one of the kitchen cooks I am closer to of my last day, he looked so sad as he was asking me why. As we chatted, I swear his eyes were wet. He said something to me which touched me very much. He told me I was different from the other 'office staff'. That I never looked down on any of them because they are foreign workers and that I have always been approachable, friendly and kindly to them.
I will miss them.
I will the ah gongs and ah mas.
I will NOT miss the people who caused me to resign.
It is those old folks there whom I have come to care for and thought of as I raised funds for them. As I presented their cases and situations to each visiting group as they come. As I defend the policies I stood by. All for them.
And there are the other staff there. All the foreign staff, from the kitchen to the maintenance to the nurses. I will miss all of them. They have taught me humility in this age of self-centredness and arrogance.
This evening, as I informed one of the kitchen cooks I am closer to of my last day, he looked so sad as he was asking me why. As we chatted, I swear his eyes were wet. He said something to me which touched me very much. He told me I was different from the other 'office staff'. That I never looked down on any of them because they are foreign workers and that I have always been approachable, friendly and kindly to them.
I will miss them.
I will the ah gongs and ah mas.
I will NOT miss the people who caused me to resign.
Sunday, July 17, 2005
I could feel the pair of eyes on me all evening.
Even when they think I have forgotten all about them.
And so I stretched out my legs and exposed its nakedness to encourage.
Soon, I could feel the lips on my thigh.
I held out for a little while longer. And then I slowly reached out my hand...
*SMACK*
And I felt its body squished between my palm and my thigh. Blood spattered all over.
Peaceful sleep tonight.
Hee.
Even when they think I have forgotten all about them.
And so I stretched out my legs and exposed its nakedness to encourage.
Soon, I could feel the lips on my thigh.
I held out for a little while longer. And then I slowly reached out my hand...
*SMACK*
And I felt its body squished between my palm and my thigh. Blood spattered all over.
Peaceful sleep tonight.
Hee.
Saturday, July 16, 2005
| Your Blogging Type is Unique and Avant Garde |
 You're impulsive, and you'll often post the first thing that pops in your head. Completely uncensored, you blog tends to shock... even though that's not your intent. You tend to change your blog often, experimenting with new designs and content. |
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
Another 21 minutes more to going home.
Home.
On time at 6.
Sometimes these buffoons I work with make me want to yell out at them. Then I remind myself; if they are to proud to come ask you, you are not obliged to say anything. After all, you are leaving in three weeks time. 17 days more. 'luuunnn'
Guess who bought me lunch today? In fact make a guess to who stopped by the roadside to give me a ride and save me a walk to the office yesterday morning?
Haha.
Best still, guess which buffoon told me to write my own testimonial?
I think it is just a reflection of VERY BAD MANAGEMENT by the buffoon who got promoted anyway. For being a buffoon. Huh. How about I write my own recommendation to promote me and give me a raise to keep me with the organisation?
Idiot.
Make that idiots.
Home.
On time at 6.
Sometimes these buffoons I work with make me want to yell out at them. Then I remind myself; if they are to proud to come ask you, you are not obliged to say anything. After all, you are leaving in three weeks time. 17 days more. 'luuunnn'
Guess who bought me lunch today? In fact make a guess to who stopped by the roadside to give me a ride and save me a walk to the office yesterday morning?
Haha.
Best still, guess which buffoon told me to write my own testimonial?
I think it is just a reflection of VERY BAD MANAGEMENT by the buffoon who got promoted anyway. For being a buffoon. Huh. How about I write my own recommendation to promote me and give me a raise to keep me with the organisation?
Idiot.
Make that idiots.
Monday, July 11, 2005
I do feel pretty isolated nowadays. Sometimes downright lonely. Friends and people I once held close never call or enquire about me anymore. Drifted away somehow.
Did I drive them away?
I just wanted to assert myself and my opinions. I am tired of always being the understanding one and being the one to give in and concede all the time. Just because I voice out my wants and thoughts does not mean I am egoistic or selfish. How about trying to understand me for once if we are really such good friends?
Then again, maybe friendships lost mean time to make new friends. Time to grow and mature. Time to move on.
Sounds cruel? The world was never kind to me in the first place.
Who cared to ask how did my day go?
Who is concerned about how I am feeling?
Who tried to make me feel important?
Last night, my father was gushing on about his friend's daughter and how talented she is to take part in a singing competition. When did he ever feel proud of anything I have done? Attending my performances were always a chore to him and he always rather stay home to watch tv. I could count on my fingers the number of times he was in the audience throughout my years of singing and dancing. Yet I lost count of the number of times he had hit me and tore me down.
Don't come telling me I am hard and harsh. I never experienced gentleness from the world.
I hate my life.
Did I drive them away?
I just wanted to assert myself and my opinions. I am tired of always being the understanding one and being the one to give in and concede all the time. Just because I voice out my wants and thoughts does not mean I am egoistic or selfish. How about trying to understand me for once if we are really such good friends?
Then again, maybe friendships lost mean time to make new friends. Time to grow and mature. Time to move on.
Sounds cruel? The world was never kind to me in the first place.
Who cared to ask how did my day go?
Who is concerned about how I am feeling?
Who tried to make me feel important?
Last night, my father was gushing on about his friend's daughter and how talented she is to take part in a singing competition. When did he ever feel proud of anything I have done? Attending my performances were always a chore to him and he always rather stay home to watch tv. I could count on my fingers the number of times he was in the audience throughout my years of singing and dancing. Yet I lost count of the number of times he had hit me and tore me down.
Don't come telling me I am hard and harsh. I never experienced gentleness from the world.
I hate my life.
Friday, July 08, 2005
Loneliness Quotient: 54%
Your Personalized Assessment Report:
Your LQ score is a bit on the higher end, meaning you've got some issues that need to be worked out. We will examine them and then suggest possible remedies. One of your weak points is the situation with your friends, who are one source of your loneliness problem. This is an area that needs attention. Additionally, some family-related issues are partly to blame for your level of loneliness. Solving family issues can often be tricky, but doing so will improve your score. Your romantic life is another source of some dissatisfaction. It is imperative that improvements be made in this area to lower your LQ. Finding a guy to share your life with will help. Luckily, shyness is not a setback for you, which makes resolving the sources of your loneliness easier. It's a shame that your area doesn't have a lot of like-minded people, which is one factor making it difficult to lower your LQ further. Finally, a bright spot for you is that you don't suffer any major insecurity issues. This fact helps keep your LQ lower than what it might have been.Take the Loneliness Quotient Test at Dating Diversions
HOW MANY OF YOU WOULD BELIEVE THIS? (psst, let me know)
| Your dating personality profile: Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate. Adventurous - Just sitting around the house is not something that appeals to you. You love to be out trying new things and really experiencing life. Wealthy/Ambitious - You know what your goals are and you pursue them vigourously. Achieving success is important to you. | Your date match profile: Outgoing - Shy and timid people are not who you are after. You need someone with a vibrant personality to breathe life into a relationship. Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living. Conservative - Forget liberals, you need a conservative match. Political discussions interest you, and a conservative will offer the viewpoint you need. |
Your Top Ten Traits 1. Liberal 2. Adventurous 3. Wealthy/Ambitious 4. Religious 5. Big-Hearted 6. Practical 7. Intellectual 8. Traditional 9. Outgoing 10. Sensual | Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Outgoing 2. Practical 3. Conservative 4. Religious 5. Adventurous 6. Intellectual 7. Sensual 8. Traditional 9. Funny 10. Athletic |
Take the Online Dating Profile Quiz at Dating Diversions
LINE UP RIGHT HERE MEN....
I hate conflicts. You mean no one knew?! That is why I always prefer nipping things in the bud before they get out of hand. Once they do, I usually just fade away, far from the gunfiring. I do not like talking about things once it has exploded as well, because I feel both parties will be too defensive to listen to anything, myself included. I would rather wait till I can recall the incident and no longer feel any pinch, then I go ask about it. Different people need different lengths of cooling periods, for different matters. Sometimes I calm down very fast, sometimes it takes a while. But I never believe that you hold a grudge forever. I know I do not.
I hate assumptions too. It hurts everyone when meanings are misinterpreted and emotions run wild following that. I am sometimes guilty of assuming too, but I always consciously remind myself I should not. And I apologize for it. When people assume, a few things happen: you feel hurt, you hurt others, you do not bother to find out the truth, you do not listen to the truth. Always remember that 'ASS U ME = assume'. Especially if you are not aware of ALL the details and heads and tails of the issue, DO NOT join in. You will only fan the flames stronger.
No matter how bad things go, I never tell anyone goodbye and that I am leaving for good. As mentioned earlier, no grudges are forever. It just takes time to cool things down. Remember the song that goes 'And friends are friends forever, If the Lord's the Lord of them; And a friend will not say never, 'Cause the welcome will not end'. We cannot choose family, or the bratty sister and annoying brother. But we sure as hell chose our friends. To have chosen EACH OTHER, there must be some karma cosmic at play. Do I not see nods?
Things are getting very ugly, and unpleasant. But if I am seen as the perpetrator here, then go ahead and stone me if it makes everyone happier.
I just believe that as friends, you cannot tell them how to think or what to do. The best is just to listen and be around when they need you. Perhaps I have not listened enough myself. Perhaps no one listened when I talked. But at this point it is no longer important, because it seems that there are alot more other issues at play here than 'who did not call whom'.
I hate assumptions too. It hurts everyone when meanings are misinterpreted and emotions run wild following that. I am sometimes guilty of assuming too, but I always consciously remind myself I should not. And I apologize for it. When people assume, a few things happen: you feel hurt, you hurt others, you do not bother to find out the truth, you do not listen to the truth. Always remember that 'ASS U ME = assume'. Especially if you are not aware of ALL the details and heads and tails of the issue, DO NOT join in. You will only fan the flames stronger.
No matter how bad things go, I never tell anyone goodbye and that I am leaving for good. As mentioned earlier, no grudges are forever. It just takes time to cool things down. Remember the song that goes 'And friends are friends forever, If the Lord's the Lord of them; And a friend will not say never, 'Cause the welcome will not end'. We cannot choose family, or the bratty sister and annoying brother. But we sure as hell chose our friends. To have chosen EACH OTHER, there must be some karma cosmic at play. Do I not see nods?
Things are getting very ugly, and unpleasant. But if I am seen as the perpetrator here, then go ahead and stone me if it makes everyone happier.
I just believe that as friends, you cannot tell them how to think or what to do. The best is just to listen and be around when they need you. Perhaps I have not listened enough myself. Perhaps no one listened when I talked. But at this point it is no longer important, because it seems that there are alot more other issues at play here than 'who did not call whom'.
 You are elegant, withdrawn, and brilliant. Your mind is a weapon, able to solve any puzzle. You are also great at poking holes in arguments and common beliefs. For you, comfort and calm are very important. You tend to thrive on your own and shrug off most affection. You prefer to protect your emotions and stay strong. |