Frankly if you ask me, the majority of deaths happened in some of the most populous AND poorest places in the world. Never mind that making a living is hard for them. Living itself has no meaning other than to prolong your existence on earth; what kind of life is this? They are, honestly speaking, better off dead. At least they are no longer hungry, suffering and poor. If you take a step back and look at things from a slightly different angle, it is simply nature's way of evolving. Simple rules of ecology as a friend pointed out.

To me, this event only points out one very stark and true fact: Nature can and will never be tamed. Man can come up with the most fabulous machine to conquer the seas, the skies and even outer space, in their most feeble and naive attempts. But Mother Nature is not one to be lorded over by Man. Arrogant beings that we are. Man has not learnt to respect her. They continue to persist and insist on depleting the richness that she has provided for our simple subsistence, continue to claim ownership over her creatures and lands, and this is what happens when she gets fed up. Remember the movie 'Day After Tomorrow'? Well, it warns of what will happen when global warming gets to a point where it is more than an inconvenience of having to stay home in a freak snowstorm. Stop and think and know that this latest tsunami epidemic is a VERY real example of what it will be like when the issues raised in the movie finally becomes another fact in history.

Yes it is sad that lives are lost this way. But even more lives are lost daily to diseases, illnesses and accidents that we could have prevented too. Do they deserve to die any more? Well, maybe only those that persist in unsafe and irresponsible sex.

It is 5am (!) on a cold rainy morning. Argh! Yawn... Watching an ancient rerun of one of the Qiong Yao series - 'Wang Fu Ya' (which literally means husband-gazing cliff). Anybody has any recollections? I used to luurrrve this show because I thought the male lead was handsome. I still think so but now the show seems so juvenile to me. Haha... the pains of growing up, you begin to find things you once loved 'juvenile'!!!

Went on a tour of all my friends' blogs before writing my own. 'Eat grass' and 'mooo'? Hahaha... 'Quitting work because of underpayment?' Sounds good. 'Watching animations (note it is not considered cartoons when it is meant for adult viewing. Haha.) till 4am in the morning?!' Well, I am blogging at 5am in the morning...

Realised I was the only one left to not have updated in a long while, especially considering how I used to be the one with the daily reads. Ha, some friends commented my blogs were like the dailies themselves, always a good distracting read during lunch. Well, just goes to show how busy I have been at work, never mind life because I hardly had one.

Anyway a brief (I will try to be brief but it HAS been some time, long time) summary of what has been up:

Work Front
My nightmare from hell seems to be over as that horrible woman finishes her term in a couple of days and has been consistently displaying signs of non-interest in renewing her term or continuing her service. Heck, she does not even seem to be interested in her pet project anymore - the quarterly newsletter for the Home. So it seems like good news... But I am going to keep my fingers AND toes crossed until it is official.

And finally! I am seeing some recognition for my hard work! In the first place I AM underpaid for my work as it is, but getting two months' bonus and a pay raise certainly makes me happy. I am easily contented. Haha. I still get a lot less than many of my friends, despite having worked longer than most of them. But I guess overall I had a more interesting career path and choices than most people I know. Comes packed with a heavy dose of experience and networking contacts as well. I am happy. Honest. Of course, a little more money never did hurt anyone. Hee...

However, I had actually just decided I wanted to leave the job by May next year to pursue some other offers put up to me, which are pretty attractive. Considering that the proposer is a lady, with a family, I can safely strike out the possibility that it is because of a 'personal interest' in me that sparked this offer. Hehe... Back to my story... Basically this lady is another one of the directors from the Home's board. We have worked very well together on several projects throughout this year and she has kept commending me on my work and expressing her interest in me working for her should I ever decide to leave the Home. She is very nice to me and has brought up this proposal many times before. In a nutshell, I can choose whether I want to work for her as her staff and develop her current business of design production, OR, be her partner in new business ventures. She will come up with the capital and provide the infrastructures. I will be given a stake in the business and the option to top up if and when I am ready to do so. And I can choose whatever venture I want to do! Cool is it not?!!! Where on earth can you get a similar deal? I had dinner with her last night and questioned her faith and confidence in me and all she said was the important thing is for me to know what I want to do. To her, it is just another business investment and she has nothing to lose anyway since she has a core business to fall back on. (Not to mention a well-off husband, who also happens to be a partner in a printing firm, kekeke) Luckily for me, the few business ideas I had in mind for myself struck her interests too. A couple were even what she herself had thought of doing but never had the resources to.

I just find this all so unbelieveable and just too good to miss. As my dear sister pointed out to me, it is a win-win situation for me as I have absolutely no risk. I do not have to come up with any money and it will just be like working for another employer. If at the end of the day it does not work out, I can simply start all over again with another employer. Sounds too good to be true?! It sure is. There is not even any catch to go with this, like I have to marry her son or what... Haha. I am SOOO... tempted.

Only snag out of the blue? When I was handed the letter informing my raise the other day, my Executive Director told me that everyone is quite pleased with me and she has received no complaints so far and that it seems I am on my way 'up, up, up', to quote her exact words. She also said to me not to worry as she will take care of me. Haha... So how? Will it seem like I am biting the hand that feeds me when I go to tell her of my intention to leave? Sigh.

Anyway, before my last day, I will make sure that the department is up and running on its own, AS a department and not a one-man show like it is now. I will also not leave until the Home has its anniversary dinner celebration. It turns 25 next year. Just like me! Yeah!. Maybe that is why I do feel for the place, we have so much in common! Haha... I meant that in jest, before any of you starts to jibe at me for that remark.

Home Front
Home is quite a cool place to hang out recently too. Haha, maybe because my dad is able to keep house now according to the standards he wants, since HE is the one playing house now, he has been less demanding on my brother and I to keep up with his cleanliness standards. Which he means he no longer yells at us for not wiping this or mopping that. Which also means he leaves us alone to sleep till we want to wake and nap whenever we want to during the weekends. Bliss. (cue silly grin of contentment on face) Of course, it can simply mean that he has totally given up on us actually budging or obliging even if he continued to threaten us. Hee. We still do our share, just more lax nowadays...

Ooh! I hear my mum's alarm go off! And it is almost six in the morning. Freak! Haha.

Anyway, we have plans to go for a family break in January, when I can finally clear my leave! And I have sooo generously offered to pay for my sister's air ticket. I am feeling generous. Although I am still drawing peanuts, the little increment has prompted me to spread a little around for the people I love. So in case you are wondering, if you do not hear from me, please do not come asking. I do not love you enough. Hehehe.... (evil smirk)

Health Front
I need to go see a skin specialist fast! The itching and scratching did not subside despite the stress having defused. In fact, the recent weeks have seen it flare up woorse than it ever did before. Guess it must be a case of delayed and suppressed reaction. I am beginning to get patches on my neck and face. No good. My mum is worried I might be disfigured. I am not panicking yet but I think I will be pretty soon, especially since I see more and more patches on my body everyday. And I do mean EVERYDAY.

And the sinus sometimes drives me nuts. I can wake up with a headache in the morning because my nerves were pinched in the night, due to the constricted airways, which really leaves me without the mood to go work. Or it will send me on a volley of sneezes which kinda leaves me breathless after a while. And the eternal sense of coming down with a flu because of an occasional tender throat and perpetual nasal voice is beginning to drive me crazy. I cannot sing properly now because I am not able to reach some notes, which were of no problems to me before. Argh! Double argh!!

Anyway, I guess I will have to spend some percentage of my bonus on going to doctors. Sigh... This is what I slogged for, money to go to doctors for ailments self-inflicted due to insistence at overworking like a circus monkey. Haha.

I want to go on but I think I shall break here. Catch some shut-eye before daybreak. Going to catch 'Phantom' in the theatre with a friend and I do not want to doze off in the cinema!

More about my gym trips next. Hehe... Yes, I still very on. But sadly, my trainer will be leaving soon.

I HAD another dream last night! And boy, was this one raunchy! Hahaha... What IS the matter with me? I thought the stress period should be over by now.

Well, whatever the future holds. Hahaha...

Been feeling really really ti....red, even though the workload is a lot less now and I do not work crazy hours anymore. I cannot figure out why it is still so hard to get up in the morning even though I sleep a lot more hours now than previously. Some days I just feel so limp and weak physically and yet I do not feel unwell. Just very tired. Well, some nights I do feel a heavy head coming and I attribute that to my sinus problem but other than that I cannot recall anything else that makes me feel uncomfortable.

Oh last night I had the weirdest dream! It was not really a nightmare but it disturbed me enough to keep me awake for almost an hour, at five in the morning! Haha, in the weird dream was Shups, Ah Huat, Ah Bao and me. We were driving along in Ah Bao's car when the weirdest thing happened. I shall not go into details because I really think it is silly but suffice to say I woke up very perturbed and wondering why the people in the dream were there and why such a irrational situation taking place. Haha...

The weather has gone crazy, my body has gone crazy. Now even my dreams have turned out weird. What next? Anyway, my life is one big crazy ride anyway.

Mwahahahaha... (manical laugh)

Is it me or has everyone moved on without me realising? Somehow I feel that my inner circle of friends have all drifted away from me, a phonecall is no longer as reassuring. A meeting is no longer as fulfilling. We seem to have less to talk about, and less to want to talk about.

Is it simply because everyone is overworked? Or that we have all outgrown one another? The sad thing is, some actually seem happier without you and they do not bother to hide that. Well, I do wish all the best for them and only happiness to them. It is just sad when you look back and people you were once close to no longer want you in their lives.

I must admit I did not try very hard either on my end; what being bogged down by work and relationships burdens. I do not think I am very good company to have around anyway and nothing much that I want to talk about without appearing offensive, cynical or offhandish. Perhaps my overtime at work have made me lose my ability to interact with others properly. Sometimes I do wish I were putting in extra hours at work. I do not know what to do when I am home early and I do not seem to be able to ask people out. My social life is almost zilch now and I am using my work as a poor compensation.

You Are From Neptune

You are dreamy and mystical, with a natural psychic ability. You love music, poetry, dance, and (most of all) the open sea. Your soul is filled with possibilities, and your heart overflows with compassion. You can be in a room full of friendly people and feel all alone. If you don't get carried away with one idea, your spiritual nature will see you through anything.

What Planet Are You From?

Hee... this is fun...

You Are the Enthusiast

7 You are outgoing and playful - always seeing the happy side to life. You're enthusiastic and excitable. You love anything new. Multi-talented, you do many things well... and find success easy. You prefer to keep things light with others. Opening up is hard for you.

What number are you?

Haha, can tell I have been surfing around Shup's blog... Kekeke...

November 21st. A day that gave me many reasons to smile, as well as to hope; while putting on my guard against those I work for and with. But many things were further revealed to me in the one full day I spent in close proximity to those in authority. I only have this to say: "At the end of the day, I am only here to work and to serve the residents to bring them a better life; I am not here to prostitute myself or my capabilities, least of all my integrity. Do not think I am a pushover simply because I yield to your ceaseless demands and orders. Do not get me involved in your petty fights against one another. It is not why I am here, and less why I am still staying."

On a happy note, although we did not get the targeted number of volunteers we wanted for our street sales to fundraise, we still did quite well. Therefore I conclude that had we gotten the 1000 volunteers, we would be able to hit our targeted amount definitely. Over-optimistic? Well, I prefer to think confidence helps you to walk further and achieve more than you otherwise would. As a friend gasped in surprise:" You mean you can raise so much money just by selling chopsticks? Imagine how much you could get if you sold forks and spoons and bowls." Haha, I think he was just being silly.

A few days ago, a friend was trying to tell me the latest news on HIM. Well, a part of me did want to know quite badly, but the rational side of me warned that I could very possibly be affected by what I hear, definitely not what I needed just before a big fundraising event. And I do believe it is very true as on Saturday I did feel quite upset for no reason, almost depressed. Ha. Yep...

Anyway, I survived everything nonetheless and I really believe I will continue to do so. Time to do a little stocktaking on other aspects of life now.

Stay tuned for more details...

Hey! This is not accurate at all! What does it mean I am dim? Huff! Do not try this test. I repeat: DO NOT TRY THE TEST!

I am loving my new haircut so much! For some reasons, I feel so liberated by its new length, or lack of. It seems that all my weariness, unhappiness, frustrations, unexplained helplessness were all shorn away when the scissors went snip! snip! Liberation! Freedom!

I think I will keep this hairstyle for quite a while. I was getting a little sick of my old length and styles. Maybe some gold streaks next! Haha.

My new haircut! I LURRVVVE IT!!!  

I am having a GREAT Deepavali! Haha. Slept in late, had pancakes for breakfast, bummed in bed somemore. Showered. Dozed off with a mask on my face. Had lunched. Dozed somemore. Watch TV. Lots of Indian TV. Haiz.... Such is life. For the very first time in my life! Haha...

Such decadence. Bliss.

*wink*

The dinner is finally over, and so is my nightmare. For the time being. One would not be able to imagine or believe the amount of stress and unreasonable demands and abuses I have been under.

I did a calculation yesterday and realised I did 6 weeks worth of work in under a month. How did I accomplish that? Well, basically I worked for more than 10 hours on average, and over 20 hours the last week. Crazy? Yea, I know.

And why did I say my nightmare is over only for the time being? Well, to put it simply it is because there will always be projects on to do and as long as the abominable lady continues her term in the board next year, the chances of working under her again is very high and that will mean a whole year to repeat itself next year. Argh! Yeh... Haiz.

Well, as I was telling my colleague cum classmate basically that woman is alright. She just has a very nasty temper and a very big insecurity and low self-esteem problem. She can be nice to people but she chose to be mean to me, and she makes it very personal. I have been trying to recollect if I have offended her but I really cannot recall. Besides I seldom antagonise someone if I am not provoked first. Ha.

Hopefully when and if I no longer have to work with her she will be much more pleasant to be around.

Not blogged for a long time. Need some time to get back the momentum. Haha. Stay tuned!

It has been a crazy couple of weeks for me, work was really hectic and the schedule gone all nuts. My health is suffering too. Not to mention my poor purse in footing those medical bills. Sigh.

But, I was enlightened in a moment of casual browsing at the bookstore: I am only as stressed as I allow myself to be. I cannot change the environment or other people's actions towards me, but I can change my reaction towards them. Therefore, I will no longer allow that crazy bitch to get me down anymore. I will do what I can within reasonable limits and only if I choose to do so. With regards to all her unreasonable and tyrannical demands I shall tell her I am not able to oblige, she can either change her demands or change the worker. Ha.

Not had much time or mood for anything else. Dates? Bah. Gatherings? Erm... Shopping? Sigh.

Well, you get the drift...

I am beginning to think perhaps I brought upon myself the mountains of work; because I spoil those people by obliging them with whatever they want, never mind the hours at which they request the work.

For example, we were at a meeting just now and it was a good hour after my OFFICIAL working hours. The project chairman requested that I finish some work 'by tonight'. And all I could muster was 'of course'. Ha. Fat hope. Because all I wanted to do this week was to go home early! I was not even for going home on time, just early enough for me to have some chit-chat time with my family members before I zonk out into oblivion.

Of course, I did pack the work home and convinced myself I will finish it at home. But, knowing me very well, I knew of course the work will never get done once I hit home. Just like schooldays; my homework NEVER gets done at home, only in school. I cannot explain why I just know I am never in the mood to do work at home. Perhaps it is a good thing anyway. At least I get some sort of reprieve somewhere. I know, sometimes I still do work at home but that would be a situation where the work REALLY needs to get done.

Well, at least now I know why I am in this predicament. I am too obliging. Too capable.

Haha, ok. I was just trying to feel good with that one...

But I AM good! HA.

Well, judging from responses from all quarters over the past few days, no one seems favourable of me being soft-hearted on HIM, except for my sister... Haha.

I cannot help it if I have a soft spot for HIM, now can I? Yet the whole affair is crazy. Not to mention it could not have come at a worse time, the present being that wretched woman tormenting me at work. Tonight was another rough night.

Haiz.

The last few days, in quiet moments to myself, I find myself in the urge to cry. A sense of lost and helplessness I have not felt for a while. And this feeling is back after months of fighting back loneliness and grief, just when I have begun to find meaning in what I do again, with my total absorption in work.

Why did HE not come back two months earlier, when I was still holding out for HIM? Why did HE choose to come back into my life at this point, now that I have just begun to put the past behind and look forward to new things coming my way? When I have just decided that I will no longer move in HIS shadows? It is killing me inside. Can anyone see my hurt and dilemma and confusion?

Can anyone understand now why I feel angry at God? Why I feel He is playing a joke on me? At my expense? First He gives me a guy, then He takes him away. And now He is returning him back to me when I have given up hope of ever being with him again. Oh God, just what do you want from me? What is the meaning behind all these?

Of course it is easy to say since I have decided to move on, HIS return should bear no effect on me anymore, but are things really that straightforward? Can we humans really be so single-minded? What happens to all the vows I have made for us, between us? Does it no longer hold? Is this not what I had been wishing for? Why am I in a dilemma then? Whether or not there is another man in the picture is not so much the issue. Rather it is IF I still want to be with HIM. And honestly, I really have no idea. I really have no answer to that. I do not know what I want. Not anymore...

I really do not know what to do...

That same night on the day I met HIM, HE messaged me to say HE is waiting at the field near my place and would like to speak to me, could I go meet HIM? I ignored the message and pretended to be asleep. Then HE called me. I refused to answer because I have nothing to say and do not know what to say. On the third call, I could not take it anymore and picked up the phone. I told HIM I cannot go out (it was 12am already and I was not feeling well. The night was a little chilly.) HE can say what HE wants over the phone. HE said HE just want to see how I am. Asked HIM did HE not just saw me in the morning? I asked HIM what it was HE had to say to me and HE just kept saying nothing, HE just wanted to see me.

Then came the million-dollar question: 'This morning that guy your new boyfriend ah?'

Me: 'No.'

HIM: 'Or is it husband already?'

Frankly I have no need to answer those questions. HE has no need to know either. But when HE asked, I did not have the heart to brush HIM off and I did not want to lie.

Does it mean I have softened my stand and am considering accepting HIM again? Or does it mean I am telling HIM 'no' because I am secretly hoping HE will be encouraged by the answers to come back to me?

No. I simply do not want to lie to HIM about what is or not, whether HE has any need or right to know. I did not have to heart to be curt because I did not want to hurt HIM. To me, HE is like a little lost boy right now. While I have no desire to being this lost boy into my home, I do not have the heart to leave HIM out in the rain either.

Sigh... I know I am not doing HIM any favours or justice if I go soft now. Neither am I being fair to myself to have to go through all these again. But it really hurts to have to hurt someone, especially someone you loved.

That night HE also shared that HIS grandfather is in hospital and in a critical state. To have HIM sharing something as personal as this with me very much points out that HE still cherishes me and wants to be back with me, right?

One other thing HE asked was if I was still waiting for HIM. I asked HIM if it makes any difference if HE knows and if I am. Previously, no matter what I said HE will tell me to move on and not to wait. Sometimes HE will say spiteful things on purpose to hurt me. That night, HIS reply was there was nothing HE could do if I insist on waiting. Well well well... If this is not telling what is?!

This afternoon HE called me again and asked about placing an orbituary in the papers. Well, I have not done this before and of all people why did HE come ask me?

Yes, a part of me is aching for HIM and feels sad for HIM, not just for the death of HIS grandfather; but more so because HE is now behaving in this manner.

I spent a little time thinking about this. I am just so tired with the way we were going on. I am happy now the way I am. Of course I was happy being with HIM but I really have no wish to revisit the unhappiness we had too.

Besides things have changed.

Things are different.

What is HE up to again this time?

IT was supposed to be a straight-forward meeting. Pass me my things I pass you yours. Say thank you, take care and bye.

Why do you bother who the man who came with me was? Why bother asking if he was my boyfriend? Why say things like you noticed I am not wearing my ring anymore and I look good now and hope I am happy with my boyfriend OR husband.

Why ask if I am still staying where I was? Why do you persist in finding out the answer when I ignored you? Why do you even ask in the first place?

In all honesty, I did not feel anything when I met HIM just now. Which is good right, as it will mean I am really over everything now. In any case I did say I will not ask to meet HIM until I am able to see HIM and not feel anything more for HIM. I have done that.

It is my day off. Yet I got up even earlier than I usually do on days when I have to work?! No I did not choose to. I just woke! Sigh... Why is it on days I have to work I cannot get up and on my days off I cannot stay alseep? This is such a torture.

And my stress-induced cough is back. It is quite bad too. Signs my stress level is high:

1) The eczema patches on my back are flaring up
2) My cough is back
3) Insomnia
4) Nightmares - of work
5) I am hyperventilating - tight chest and breathlessness
6) Giddiness
7) Jelly legs
8) Less tolerance for incumbence
9) Beginning to curse and swear

and the worst, in my opinion,

10)I am beginning to binge and stuff my face with food!

This is getting serious. No joke.

Need my favourite doctor for some TLC.