It has been a crazy couple of weeks for me, work was really hectic and the schedule gone all nuts. My health is suffering too. Not to mention my poor purse in footing those medical bills. Sigh.

But, I was enlightened in a moment of casual browsing at the bookstore: I am only as stressed as I allow myself to be. I cannot change the environment or other people's actions towards me, but I can change my reaction towards them. Therefore, I will no longer allow that crazy bitch to get me down anymore. I will do what I can within reasonable limits and only if I choose to do so. With regards to all her unreasonable and tyrannical demands I shall tell her I am not able to oblige, she can either change her demands or change the worker. Ha.

Not had much time or mood for anything else. Dates? Bah. Gatherings? Erm... Shopping? Sigh.

Well, you get the drift...

I am beginning to think perhaps I brought upon myself the mountains of work; because I spoil those people by obliging them with whatever they want, never mind the hours at which they request the work.

For example, we were at a meeting just now and it was a good hour after my OFFICIAL working hours. The project chairman requested that I finish some work 'by tonight'. And all I could muster was 'of course'. Ha. Fat hope. Because all I wanted to do this week was to go home early! I was not even for going home on time, just early enough for me to have some chit-chat time with my family members before I zonk out into oblivion.

Of course, I did pack the work home and convinced myself I will finish it at home. But, knowing me very well, I knew of course the work will never get done once I hit home. Just like schooldays; my homework NEVER gets done at home, only in school. I cannot explain why I just know I am never in the mood to do work at home. Perhaps it is a good thing anyway. At least I get some sort of reprieve somewhere. I know, sometimes I still do work at home but that would be a situation where the work REALLY needs to get done.

Well, at least now I know why I am in this predicament. I am too obliging. Too capable.

Haha, ok. I was just trying to feel good with that one...

But I AM good! HA.

Well, judging from responses from all quarters over the past few days, no one seems favourable of me being soft-hearted on HIM, except for my sister... Haha.

I cannot help it if I have a soft spot for HIM, now can I? Yet the whole affair is crazy. Not to mention it could not have come at a worse time, the present being that wretched woman tormenting me at work. Tonight was another rough night.

Haiz.

The last few days, in quiet moments to myself, I find myself in the urge to cry. A sense of lost and helplessness I have not felt for a while. And this feeling is back after months of fighting back loneliness and grief, just when I have begun to find meaning in what I do again, with my total absorption in work.

Why did HE not come back two months earlier, when I was still holding out for HIM? Why did HE choose to come back into my life at this point, now that I have just begun to put the past behind and look forward to new things coming my way? When I have just decided that I will no longer move in HIS shadows? It is killing me inside. Can anyone see my hurt and dilemma and confusion?

Can anyone understand now why I feel angry at God? Why I feel He is playing a joke on me? At my expense? First He gives me a guy, then He takes him away. And now He is returning him back to me when I have given up hope of ever being with him again. Oh God, just what do you want from me? What is the meaning behind all these?

Of course it is easy to say since I have decided to move on, HIS return should bear no effect on me anymore, but are things really that straightforward? Can we humans really be so single-minded? What happens to all the vows I have made for us, between us? Does it no longer hold? Is this not what I had been wishing for? Why am I in a dilemma then? Whether or not there is another man in the picture is not so much the issue. Rather it is IF I still want to be with HIM. And honestly, I really have no idea. I really have no answer to that. I do not know what I want. Not anymore...

I really do not know what to do...

That same night on the day I met HIM, HE messaged me to say HE is waiting at the field near my place and would like to speak to me, could I go meet HIM? I ignored the message and pretended to be asleep. Then HE called me. I refused to answer because I have nothing to say and do not know what to say. On the third call, I could not take it anymore and picked up the phone. I told HIM I cannot go out (it was 12am already and I was not feeling well. The night was a little chilly.) HE can say what HE wants over the phone. HE said HE just want to see how I am. Asked HIM did HE not just saw me in the morning? I asked HIM what it was HE had to say to me and HE just kept saying nothing, HE just wanted to see me.

Then came the million-dollar question: 'This morning that guy your new boyfriend ah?'

Me: 'No.'

HIM: 'Or is it husband already?'

Frankly I have no need to answer those questions. HE has no need to know either. But when HE asked, I did not have the heart to brush HIM off and I did not want to lie.

Does it mean I have softened my stand and am considering accepting HIM again? Or does it mean I am telling HIM 'no' because I am secretly hoping HE will be encouraged by the answers to come back to me?

No. I simply do not want to lie to HIM about what is or not, whether HE has any need or right to know. I did not have to heart to be curt because I did not want to hurt HIM. To me, HE is like a little lost boy right now. While I have no desire to being this lost boy into my home, I do not have the heart to leave HIM out in the rain either.

Sigh... I know I am not doing HIM any favours or justice if I go soft now. Neither am I being fair to myself to have to go through all these again. But it really hurts to have to hurt someone, especially someone you loved.

That night HE also shared that HIS grandfather is in hospital and in a critical state. To have HIM sharing something as personal as this with me very much points out that HE still cherishes me and wants to be back with me, right?

One other thing HE asked was if I was still waiting for HIM. I asked HIM if it makes any difference if HE knows and if I am. Previously, no matter what I said HE will tell me to move on and not to wait. Sometimes HE will say spiteful things on purpose to hurt me. That night, HIS reply was there was nothing HE could do if I insist on waiting. Well well well... If this is not telling what is?!

This afternoon HE called me again and asked about placing an orbituary in the papers. Well, I have not done this before and of all people why did HE come ask me?

Yes, a part of me is aching for HIM and feels sad for HIM, not just for the death of HIS grandfather; but more so because HE is now behaving in this manner.

I spent a little time thinking about this. I am just so tired with the way we were going on. I am happy now the way I am. Of course I was happy being with HIM but I really have no wish to revisit the unhappiness we had too.

Besides things have changed.

Things are different.

What is HE up to again this time?

IT was supposed to be a straight-forward meeting. Pass me my things I pass you yours. Say thank you, take care and bye.

Why do you bother who the man who came with me was? Why bother asking if he was my boyfriend? Why say things like you noticed I am not wearing my ring anymore and I look good now and hope I am happy with my boyfriend OR husband.

Why ask if I am still staying where I was? Why do you persist in finding out the answer when I ignored you? Why do you even ask in the first place?

In all honesty, I did not feel anything when I met HIM just now. Which is good right, as it will mean I am really over everything now. In any case I did say I will not ask to meet HIM until I am able to see HIM and not feel anything more for HIM. I have done that.

It is my day off. Yet I got up even earlier than I usually do on days when I have to work?! No I did not choose to. I just woke! Sigh... Why is it on days I have to work I cannot get up and on my days off I cannot stay alseep? This is such a torture.

And my stress-induced cough is back. It is quite bad too. Signs my stress level is high:

1) The eczema patches on my back are flaring up
2) My cough is back
3) Insomnia
4) Nightmares - of work
5) I am hyperventilating - tight chest and breathlessness
6) Giddiness
7) Jelly legs
8) Less tolerance for incumbence
9) Beginning to curse and swear

and the worst, in my opinion,

10)I am beginning to binge and stuff my face with food!

This is getting serious. No joke.

Need my favourite doctor for some TLC.

How can some people live life making others' lives miserable? How do they do it? I will never be able to grasp such 'high teachings'.

I am already working 12-14 hours a day, sometimes 6 days a week. How can anyone still say I am slacking off? I am not as efficient as before because my workload has increased but not my manpower. And not giving you the amended drafts the next morning when I have only left the office at nine o'clock the night before does not mean I am unreliable or inefficient. After all, I am neither the designer nor the webmaster, how do you expect me to hand you the amended drafts the next day? Even if I were, you mean I have to work through the night for you? How then do you expect me to still give you the same level of efficiency when all my eight tentacles are already in full use? Please do not look to my assistant. He is only a part-timer. He is not paid as much as me how can you expect him to do as much as I? Besides, being a part-timer I can only pass on so much work to him.

Please have some brain, and a little heart if you have any to spare. As it is we are not that highly paid. I am certainly not paid enough to take such rubbish from you. If you are not happy, I will quit one day.

But not before you hear my piece about you. Oh yes. I have written a piece, just for you.

I hate having to take pills to sleep. Please do not do this to me. You will not be the one paying my hospitalisation or medical bills. Do not make me fall sick. My body is already breaking down and rebelling. It is crying out for rest and peace. I can push on but do not give me shit like this to clean. You are just wasting my time and effort.

I have better things to do.

It is all in the mind. If you can do it or not. Whether you want to do it or not. It is not the size of your muscles that count. It is the intensity of your willpower.

I can do it. I know I can. I know I will.

Tiring? You bet! But I will get to the finishing line. First or last does not matter. Finishing does. You are competing with yourself, not your best friend, not your colleague, not your brother, not your enemy.

I will see you there.

Yes, it is four in the morning and I am up. I cannot get to sleep. I think I am too stressed at work again. Every time I close my eyes, thoughts of work and ideas for the next project will come flooding in. How am I to relax and fall asleep?

What am I doing up then? Well, I have finished a marketing plan for my street sales event and done up a proposal for next year's fundraising events. Haha. Talk about being a workaholic...

Can someone please start giving me ideas how I can sleep easier and better? It is not like I hate my job but it will be nice if I can leave it in the office once I have stepped out of the Home. Haiz. I am so consumed by my work. Just as well I do enjoy doing what I am doing. Can you imagine the agony of doing something you absolutely abhorred but have no way to get out of it? Thank God.

Yep, thank Him. Somehow I knew when I accepted this job, or rather when this job found me, it was God's will and I have His blessings in this. Yea yea, I am thanking God. I just said I could not reconcile certain things. I never said I have written Him off...

Maybe things are moving towards another plane, another dimension, another level. Hold that breath for me alright and we shall see what happens next.

	Cheer Bear You're the Care Bear cheerleader! Your spunky personality and optimisim lifts everyone's spirit. Though you want everyone to be happy, you stand your ground on issues you feel strongly about and this can bring disunity among your friends. Despite this, you are a true believer in working together.
Take the Which Care Bear Are You? Quiz!

Another CareBear quiz. Heehee.

My director called me today while I was in the toilet and asked for an update of progress for the projects. THAT female lawyer director. Well, not that I minded since it has been some time since she made her presence felt. The problem was I WAS IN THE TOILET. I was debating whether to answer her call or not but knowing how she is I figured it is only to my advantage if I do. Anyway, she had been away for the last few weeks or so and pretty quiet the past few months, so I thought it would not hurt me to entertain her a little at this juncture. Turns out she was pretty satisfied with the progress of all projects or so she sounded. Ok in any case, I still have till Monday to really have to 'handle' her. Time enough for me to get things ready, especially since I have to be back in the office tomorrow morning.

I thought the stomach flu was not too much of a hassle or problem since I was not too confined to the bed but as it turns out I have been weakened far more than I knew. I could not really go through the same regime of training as I usually do. In addition, it seemed I still need to pay attention to my diet for a while more. The gastric has been acting up a bit these two days too. Not a good sign at all. It seems that once one is struck down, the blows just keep coming. Alright, got to keep my head up and start fighting back real hard now.

One other note, I have been having nightmares the past few nights. Nothing too upsetting but it does seem that I have alot on my mind, consciously and subconciously. The dreams are reflecting issues that are calling out for some sort of attention and resolution one way or another. Guess that is another channel of stress that I have to resolve soon or face breaking down.

First diarrhoea, now swollen eye. What is happening? Sheesh. Two days of medical leave means I am behind schedule in my work, which means I am bringing work home to do again. Which means even though I am not well I still need to work. What is the difference then between working in the office and at home? Sigh.

Anyway, I really got to put in the extra hours now, after 6pm and on weekends... Well, at least I do not have to worry about not spending time on dating or keeping someone company. My time is my own and I can do what I like and want with it.

On the other hand, some other developments are taking place on the studies' front and it is not going as smoothly... Keeping me fingers and toes crossed. Cross them for me too k?!

DIARRHOEA. Something I have not had for a long tiime, and it seems pretty serious this time. Hahaha. Feeling like jelly all over now. Trying to figure out what triggered it off this round. Hmm... Weak...

Ok, pressure is off! I have finally decided to defer my final semester at school. I just could not cope with the heavy load at work and the pressing deadlines at school anymore. My previous results were pretty decent and I do not want to jeopardise them by doing mediocrely for the final papers. It is not worth it. I do want to continue with my paper pursuit, not for the mere succumb to societal pressure of paper qualifications but because of a genuine interest in going further in this field of study.

You are the first people I am sharing this with. Official annoucement. Hey! I have not even spoken with my mum at this point. Yea, it is kind of a pity to give up now, so close to graduation, but I would rather sit out another year or so than see myself get by with less than satisfactory results.

At least I am now able to breathe normal again; hopefully peaceful sleep will follow soon after. Hehe...

Hmm... Why should I let HIM affect me so? It should not and HE should not. I love HIM. But I really no longer desire to be back with HIM. It hurts too much and no one, not even HIM, can tell me that the second time round everything will be better, rosier, happier. We might, or might not, know better what to do. But things will definitely not be the same as it was. I could love HIM as much as I had but it is not the same love. As I have said before, there will always be a shadow hanging over us and it is not just because of the history of a break up. Rather it is because of what I know, what HE does not know I know, and what I know HE will not give up, even for me.

Well, since I have made my decision to move on I should. Regardless of what HE is saying or doing now, regardless of my current situation. Why am I so silly as to let HIM affect me anymore?

Just what does HE want from me? HE kept pushing me away and when I have finally put on my shoes and walked off, here HE comes with another hat trick to upset me again. Actually it is more of an irritant than an upset. Why did HE say that I can hold on to his possessions? Hello, we are talking about an ATM card here, not birthday card. Why is HE so alright with me having access to HIS money? Yes, I know HIS PIN. Crazy is it not?

Of course I figured deep in HIS heart it is probably because HE is hoping that as long as I hold on to HIS things it will mean there is a possibility for us to get back together. If this had happened two months ago then yes, HE is probably right. But now that I have made up my mind to walk away from all these, the chance is slim. Not because I no longer love HIM but because I no longer want to (think about) be with HIM. Even when I was still adamant about us getting back together previously, I had the fear that HE will walk out again the day the pressure got too much for HIM to handle. How much more now?

I have no more confidence that our love will last and our love is all it takes to be and stay together. I am tired of this charade and dragging of our feet through the mud. I am tired of the uncertainty of the future and of another person's commitment to me.

'Please just leave me alone. After all, you left me.'

I am happy with my life now. I am happy meeting people I want to meet. I am happy doing things I want to do. I am happy BEING happy. I do not want to go back to feeling unhappy and uncertain and insecure.

HAHAHAHA... Yes, I cannot stop laughing. That is because I have beaten a guy, flat down, at push-ups on a ball. Those big, colourful balls you sit and do exercises on... It is not a puny guy or a small boy I beat ok. He is about 1.75m to 1.8m, weighs at least 75kg. To top that, he is, or LOOKS, muscular. And I beat him. HAHAHAHA... Please excuse my self-indulgence. I do not get this everyday. To top that off, he has issued me another challenge. Stay tuned for the updates. 'Mm zai si'

HAHAHAHA...

Hahaha... Someone challenged me to push-ups on the push-up ball. Well, according to my trainer, I have no need to fear. Come on! Hehe...

This is crazy. I took the week off to do research for my paper. But other than spending half the day today at the library, which did not yield very much results, I did not accomplish much otherwise! Not to mention that I was supposed to hand in an assignment today on financial management, which needless to say I have yet to complete, because I am absolutely clueless on how to complete it! Sigh. And on top of that, I had to go back to the office in the evening for a meeting, which only depressed me further because of the extra load of work to do within the same timeframe as other projects, which are at least underway already and this is only in the preliminary stages. Goodness! They've not even decided on the project chairman yet! And this project comes right after the heels of two major projects and before the christmas celebrations. I need to breathe here!

Well, at least I attended a talk this morning which did help spark off a trail of thoughts for my paper. Not absolutely waste of a perfectly good day. Then again considering the fact that I woke up at six this morning to make it for the talk it HAD better be good. Haha.

I did have a good time taking things easy. My brother hung out with me and later my trainer joined us for a couple of hours too. Well, at least I DESTRESSED a little. Really needed to unwind. I could feel the body rebelling already. The cough was acting up and so is the rash, which if I am not careful is going to spread ALL OVER. Very unpleasant.

Hiaz... better sleep. Turning nuts. I am already being called nuts. Or nutty woman. Then again, it is the pot calling the kettle black. In fact, the pot is beyond wash. Hahaha...