I think I have a very funny friendship going on, if we are all still considered friends...

You see, I used to have a group of friends. We used to hang out all the time together, even when we had started working and going our separate ways. Then one day, a conflict broke out between me and another girl and things are never the same anymore. Even after I had tried to make peace, it just seemed that quietly, I have been dropped by the entire group, even if the conflict was only between me and the girl.

Some time ago, they started a group blog where everyone wrote on the same blog. Well, not everyone; I did not. But I was not the only one who did not. In any case, I also began to see that they have moved on with life without me. Just like that. I was never called for any gatherings anymore. Invitations to my place are always 'politely' turned down, whatever the reasons may be. I stopped asking after the last one.

I just think that you cannot say I did not try. Because I did.

So what is the issue here? Well, after telling myself no point reading their writings if it does not involve me anymore, I 'tuned' in today and found that a new picture had been posted. And I was in the picture.

I just find it ironic and kind of an insult. What is the point of finding a picture that had me in it when it seems quite clear that I am not of the group anymore?

Am I petty? Not that I know of. I am just bewildered at the status of the situation.

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Today I received another of Life's lessons.

You really cannot pre-empt who sees you as important and who really does not care.

I was surprised this evening when I received text messages from someone who wanted to meet me because she was in low spirits. I had not felt needed by someone else for a long time. Irony is she was also feeling redundant. Reality is she actually has two beautiful children who thinks the world of her. I have not any body.

And she is a lady in her forties. Kind of late and weird to be feeling insecure at this age.
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I hate to think and say this, but the truth is:

Love yourself, for you never know when others will stop loving you. If you cannot see yourself as being important to you, when others stop caring, you will be lost.

I was sick the past two weeks, caught a cold. But before that, I had become disinterested in my work too. Just found it a challenge to wake myself up each morning to go to work.

Not that I hate my work. In fact it had nothing to do with work. Rather it had more to do with the people I am working with and for. Then again, at the end of the day I have to tell myself these people are just behaving in a normal, expected manner. I should not upset myself so much with them and be too bothered with how they are. As long as I do my job well and stand faultless, they cannot do much to me. The irony of course is that the powers that be up above me have not exactly been mean to me. In fact my boss is quite generous towards me and my colleagues have noted so too. But then it is really the general overall operations and management that really drags one's spirits down.

Can you believe that for a few miserable hundered dollars worth of the 13th month wage I have to get it in two instalments and it is now March but I have received only the first half of it. Any one will find that a stinko right?

In any case, just as I was feeling shitty working at a stink-hole like this, my boss announced to me he will be bringing me to the US of A with him to attend some conferences and meet some vendors. Whoopee right?! Unfortunately, it came at a time when I was templating leaving. How ironic. I could almost swear it was as if he heard my discontent and is dangling this in front of me to make me stay. Then today he told me to make a business trip up to my Bangkok office without one of my colleagues who is supposed to go up with me to conduct a workshop there. The funny thing is that guy should be the one to go and I stay back because he is the one conducting the class, not me. Yet my boss did not ask me to stay behind instead. It felt like he is dangling a carrot in front of me to distract me from the welfare and benefits discontent.

Anyway, I decided to just do as I am told and think less. Carry on in a robotic manner till I have amassed enough 'wealth' before moving on to the next phase of my life. Heehee...

Therefore, AMELIKA.... Here I come!

The Sonnet Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLDf) Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed? Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They're conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that's okay, because you're very choosy with your affections anyway. You'd absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance. Your exact opposite: Genghis Khunt Random Brutal Sex Master Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You're already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there's no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so. You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls. ALWAYS AVOID: The 5-Night Stand, The False Messiah, The Hornivore, The Last Man on Earth CONSIDER: The Loverboy Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.

My boss had PMS today. I was the unlucky target in a way. It was his unclear instructions and decisions; but I am the scapegoat.

Haiz. The perils of working life. The difficulties to climbing that corporate ladder.

Marry me someone!

On Valentine's Day, someone told me this:
'You have no flowers or chocolates or presents on Valentine's Day. But you have my heart.'

I must confess that if it was just ANY body saying it to me I would probably have laughed it off and shudder at the thought.

But I did not.

Because the person who said it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

At that moment, I could not have felt more loved. The words made every pore of me smile, from its very core.

I received a gift today. All the way from Tokyo. And the sender said he picked one that was most like me. Got to agree I cannot pick faults with his choice.

Thanks buddy! Come home soon, looking forward to gym sessions with you.

I feel like I am in kind of a rut recently. Trying to figure myself out and challenge myself more while giving myself more chances. I really do not want to throw in the towel so soon and at this juncture.

But oh man! I am so weary of it all.

Think positive. Feel positive.

I was reading a friend's blog and there was this question on what other name did you wanted.

This brought me to a memory I had when I was young. I used to like the name Stephanie alot. Wanted to call myself that. In primary school, I did not have any friends in school by that name. Then I met one of my father's colleague's daughter. She was a couple of years older. She had really long hair and pretty big eyes. And she was called Stephanie. Despite the age difference then, we got along quite well, she even called me sometimes after school to chat. That memory further deepened the impression that girls named Stephanie are really nice, pretty and friendly. Then when I went to secondary school, I got a new friend who was also named Stephanie. Of course by then I no longer wanted to change my name. But the warm impression the first Stephanie left me was still around. Again we became friends, then sisters.

In my course of work now, I got to know another two Stephanies. One very pretty and quite a nice person. The other not so pretty, and her mood determines whether she was nice to you or not.

All in all, I also conclude that girls named Stephanie are all quite fiery, at least the ones I know.

Hee.

By the way, I used to like the name Sarah too.

I feel a breakthrough coming. Once more.

But now, right this moment, I am just very, very sleepy.

Night world.

For a moment, I was worried about being labelled a nut. Hee.

You Are An Invisible Ex

You're so over your ex, you hardly even remember you have an ex You prefer leave all of the baggage behind you - far, far behind As they say, indifference is the opposite of love!

What Type of Ex Are You?

Hee hee, depends on who is touching... And where...

You Are In a Crunch Ice Cream

The perfect combo: a completely nuts person who likes to be touched

What Flavor Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream Are You?

Hur hur hur... Is that right...

Popular Kid

In high school, everyone knew your name - even if you didn't know theirs. In fact, your still skating by on your looks and charm. Nothing wrong with that!

Who Were You In High School?

Perhaps...

Your Personality Is

Guardian (SJ) You are sensible, down to earth, and goal oriented. Bottom line, you are good at playing by the rules. You tend to be dominant - and you are a natural leader. You are interested in rules and order. Morals are important to you. A hard worker, you give your all at whatever you do. You're very serious, and people often tell you to lighten up. In love, you tend to take things carefully and slowly. At work, you are suited to almost any career - but you excel in leadership positions. With others, you tend to be polite and formal. As far as looks go, you are traditionally attractive. You take good care of yourself. On weekends, you tend to like to do organized activities. In fact, you often organize them!

The Three Question Personality Test

I thought it would be something like grey or brown. Ha.

Your Heart Is Blue

Love is a doing word for you. You know it's love when you treat each other well. You are a giving lover, but you don't give too much. You expect something in return. Your flirting style: Friendly Your lucky first date: Lunch at an outdoor cafe Your dream lover: Is both generous and selfish What you bring to relationships: Loyalty

What Color Heart Do You Have?

I have not seen any one of them...

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic

Quirky, offbeat, and even a little campy - your life appeals to a select few. But if someone's obsessed with you, look out! Your fans are downright freaky. Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

This must be the other side of me others seldom see...

You Have a Phlegmatic Temperament

Mild mannered and laid back, you take life at a slow pace. You are very consistent - both in emotions and actions. You tend to absorb set backs easily. You are cool and collected. It is difficult to offend you. You can remain composed and unemotional. You are a great friend and lover. You don't demand much of others. While you are quiet, you have a subtle wit that your friends know well. At your worst, you are lazy and unwilling to work at anything. You often get stuck in a rut, without aspirations or dreams. You can get too dependent on others, setting yourself up for abandonment.

What Temperment Are You?

Yea right, show me the man...

Your Dating Purity Score: 81%

You are an innocent dater. You're either lacking in dating experience or have had a long serious relationship. Either way, there's still plenty of fish in the sea out there for you to sample!

Dating Purity Test

But I am not getting anyone!!!

Your Love Element Is Metal

In love, you inspire and respect your partner. For you, love is all about fusing together for one incredible life experience. You attract others with wit and a bit of flash. Your flirting style is defined by making others want and value you. Greatness and optimism are the cornerstones of your love life. You may let go too easily, but you never get weighed down by your past. You connect best with: Earth Avoid: Fire You and another Metal element: will control and smother each other

What Element Is Your Love?

I am:
1) having a headache
2) going to right everything I still have wrong in my life
3) calling up the friends I have neglected and refresh the friendships
4) do what I keep saying I will do
5) write some letters long due

Yep.

The doctor made me laugh today. Asked me why I did not go back to him immediately when I found the medicine did not work. And he said I scare him everytime I cough. Gee, are my symptoms that serious? Anyway one good thing I established today is that he remembers me well enough for me to just call him for small things next time. After all, he was the one who asked me to call first next time to update my situation.

Sometimes I find life really funny, especially when I look back on how things turned out for me. I still cannot figure out if mine is a blessed life or cursed. I guess it is all just a matter of from which perspective am I looking at things.

How true it is when it was said that the only constant is change and that what is predictable is that life never is predictable. Cliché. But true.

Well, no whining. Because it only makes you feel worse than you already do. Always think the best in people and situations, until they have proven themselves otherwise beyond a reasonable doubt.

Have a happy 2006. Be happy every day.

In retrospect, or rather, in summary, the year that has gone by has been a wonderful year because of several reasons:

1) I have been happier last year than I had been for the past few years.
2) I have moved along significantly in my career, towards the goal I have set myself.
3) Nothing really nasty or unfortunate happened to me that I can still recall now.
4) I met many new and interesting people, some nice and here to stay. Some just passing by to add some colours to my existence.
5) I am learning to assert myself and my opinions in a non-agressive way.
6) I have learnt that positive thinking and attitude DOES affect the way your life works out.
7) Believe I can and I can.
8) Hang around people who likes and loves you just as you are. Only then will you learn to accept yourself as you are and see the good they see in you.
9) Once in a while, take time off to do absolutely nothing but sleep.
10) Work will always be there. Get off when you have to.

My health has not been this good the second half of last year because of my allergies and I suffered alot for it, including being home sick on the first workday of the new year, today! But it has also allowed me to learn many new things about my body that I have overlooked before. So it is not all dismal.

The only lacking point in my life is perhaps someone to call when I am down and someone to hug when I am cold. But it is better to welcome the chilly wind in my face as a refreshing breeze than feel sorry for myself. Nope, I am way... past being sorry and miserable. I want to be happy.

Wee.....

Happy as a butterfly.