ok, one more week before I am back to work. Let me give a little account of my trip before the sizzle dies again. As I have recounted to a few friends, the trip was good; the companion was shit. Ha, who did I go travelling with to garner such a conclusion from me? He was my poly classmate and he had worked as my assistant for a while last year. Yeah, it was a 'he' I went travelling alone with. Unfortunately or fortunately, love sparks did not fly between us. *Phew*

We had decided to go together because we were interested in going into partnership together for business and this trip was to recce the market situation in China and the business potential for us there. So nothing romantic; but nonetheless, I do not think it warrants the kind of treatment he rendered me.

Throughout the trip from Singapore to Guangzhou to Shanghai and finally to Beijing, he was nothing but full of whinings and comments like a woman.

On arrival in Zhuhai, while waiting for a relative's friend to meet us he complained about having to wait for her.

In the evening when we were picked up by another friend of my relative and taken to dinner, he asked why did I not order lobster and abalone since they are buying dinner. Never mind if it was said in jest or not. It was simply poor taste and bad unbringing to say such things in the first place.

The next morning, he complained about having to get up so early in the morning, when it was he who said he wanted to go 'climb mountain'. My relative's friend was kind enough to offer to bring us there. On top of that, he made such horrible obscene noises every morning as he is waking up with no regard for my presence. When I asked him if this was to be expected every morning he gave a very quick and unapologetic 'yes'. When I further asked if I am to just accept it he told me 'ya, get used to it'. The audacity of that.

The following 2 days while we shopped around town, it was the norm thing for him to stop and look at things because 'we are on holiday leh'; but if I did the same I was 'wasting time'. How much more rude can he get? Read on.

My very best friend had moved to Guangzhou prior to my arrival and she came to meet us and bring us around for meals. The very first meal, which was a late night supper, came to a bill of over 500 yuan, which amounts to approximately over $100. Why is a late night supper so costly when food cost is supposed to be very low in Guangzhou? Because the fool requested all the 'exotic food', like the snakes and bugs and 'elephant clam' you saw in the earlier photos. And he only took a bit of each. Needless to say, my friend paid for the meals. For each of the subsequent meals, my friend and her hubby took us to quaint little restaurants to try many different cuisines.

At this point, he kept bugging me about having to buy them a meal back after having imposed on them. Now, my friend and I are as close as sisters, and I have talked to her in private and the understanding is that she and her husband want to play hosts to us (Not to mention our friendship goes beyond a few meals). So with this understanding I told him not to worry and I would let him know if we should buy dinner or not. However, being the smart aleck he thinks he is, on our last lunch before we left for Shanghai, he went to settle the bill on the pretext of going to toilet. Now the embarassing thing for him is that the restaurant and China in general, did not recognise his 'H_ _C credit card'. O...kay. Who's embarassed now?

On both train rides to Shanghai and then to Beijing, he did not display any kind of travel companion camaraderie nor the least sign of having looked out for me because I am his friend and a female. He did not offer help or even ask if I am alright with my luggage throuhout the entire journey. Heck, the strangers on the train were nicer to me than he even tried to be.

We ate when he was hungry and saw things he wants to see. And even before arriving in Shanghai, he kept telling me he wants to go off on his own. Duh. Not that I am helpless without him, but we are after all in a foreign city and travelling together, what is this attitude of wanting to go off on your own? Never mind I am a girl. Because the fact that I am female is never an issue he ever acknowledged, judging by his behaviour.

I got lost twice in Shanghai, the first I took the wrong bus and had to walk my way back and the second time I took a wrong turn and made a huge detour. Both times he did not show concern as one would normally when a friend gets lost in a foreign place. In fact, the second time round, the moment he saw me walking in he asked me 'which country did you walk from?'. Never mind that I would probably not have made the wrong turn if he HAD given the map to me instead of keeping it for himself. Best of all, after saying that to me and showing not even the least bit of concern for me, he told me he 'shopped too much and bought to many things', meaning his bags are bursting and asked if I had any space in my bags. Which I did. Both my bags were only half full, but I pretended I did not hear him or get what he meant. Call me petty but if he had been more courteous and considerate towards me I would not have been so petty. What happened next only affirmed my decision not to be nice was right. He insisted I had remembered wrongly the amount of money he had to pay me for the accommodation and told me to go 'check it again with the reception cashier'. Come on, I was not the one who overspent on my shopping. Why should I be the one paying for you?

And when we reached Beijing, I had made up my mind not to let him tag along with me to get free stay in the hotel my uncle was working for. Why let him have such a good deal when he had been most ungentlemanly so far? Alas, he did not get my hints to buzz off and so still stuck with me for 2 nights in the hotel before going off to find his friend. You see, staying with me is such a good deal. You get to eat and stay for free in an international 5-star hotel in Beijing, not to mention the room and laundry services that comes complimentary as well. He was such an ass that he was rude not only to me but also to my uncle and auntie. He did not even manage the basic courtersy of greeting them.

He spared no effort at telling me repeatedly, how he is 'very good-looking' and I am not. Especially when we were in Shanghai. 'Wah see, even the most common looking Shanghai-mei here is prettier than you'. Duh. He is the last person I need to have thinking and agreeing with my looks. Besides, only he thinks his huge nose is good-looking. I think it just looks HUGE.

So, that was my trip. With an ass for a companion. Wait, at least the ass would have helped me with the luggages and not make rude noises in the morning when it woke up.

I have no idea what to compare him to, but reckons it will insult whatever it is I choose.

As for the business partnership, forget it. I had written him off even before we left Guangzhou.

So there goes my recount of having travelled with an obnoxious, selfish, arrogant, chauvinistic, conceited man who behaves more like a boy.

Haha.

The view outside my 5-star Beijing Hotel. My most luxurious stay troughout the trip; best of all - all FREE! Hee...

One of the tiny train 'cubicle' of mine.

One of the most hip places to be seen in Shanghai, sipping coffee. Haha. My Israeli friend I met staying in the same hostel.

The nightscene of Shanghai city. Many buildings have been preserved as heritage and historical buildings.

The Pearl of the Orient in Shanghai city. It's actually a tv station and office.

See, right between the two beds. Imagine if it had fallen on my face *shudder*

The false ceiling in my Guangzhou hotel fell in on us early one morning, while we were still dreaming...

Me enjoying a foot massage in Guangzhou/ My very good friend is next to me, Hong Hong.

This is the Xiang cuisine, or more commonly known as Hubei cuisine to Singaporeans. Very yummy fishhead.

The city traffic landscape of Guangzhou. They have 3 to 4 layers of flyovers crisscrossing one another throughout the city and suburbs.

Some bugs to go with the snake and ellie's trunk...

And this is what they look like deep fried. Haha.

See the snakes squirming around? They're called water snakes.

Horrible, and horribly expensive, Xiang Ba Bang. What's the Engllish name? It's the clam family seafood that resembles an elephant's trunk.

Cool don't you think? To be able to see the roads from hundreds and thousands of years ago...

The ancient roads of Guangzhou. 10ft beneath the modern day pavement are 3 more layers of ancient paths; from the 2 periods of Song Dynasty and the Ming Dynasty. Can't help but marvel the craftwork from way back.

My maiden solo train trip back to Guangzhou from Beijing. Was supposed to arrive 23 hours later but train delayed for almost 2 hours.

I am still on leave. Hee.

Frankly speaking the things I had planned to do when I applied for the leave, I have only accomplish one: that is to sleep as much as I want. Wahaha. Decandent? I agree. But it is why I took the leave what; could never get enough while working. So far although I can't claim 'shiok' yet, I do feel the stress slipping away.

Anyway, some of you have been wondering about my most recent trip to China, and my numerous return trips there. Hee... I am having a long-distance relationship with a cheena man mah... Haha... Ok I will write about it soon. Still wondering if I should smear someone's smelly name online with what I write.

I have decided that when I return to work I shall (once again) tender my resignation. Before I came to this decision I was still wavering a little, especially after coming home from China, but since hearing some of the latest happenings in the management board while I was away, I have convinced myself. Besides, someone told me there's no such thing as loyalty to company anymore. Because the company will not be loyal to you anyway. True true. Companies only care about their profit margins at the end of the year and in my case, it is the amount of funds brought in and how much limelight I propel my directors into; never mind that they are claiming credit for my work and sweat. Till now, I have not seen any sign of appreciation of their part and I believe I have been 'loyal' enough.

I did some thinking during my long train rides across China and have drafted some sort of outline for my actions hereafter. Will sort them out before I post them online for all to comment(criticise).

So before that, some photos for you all in the meanwhile...

It is not my birthday.

*hic*

I am the tipsy one tonight.

*hic*

Take the quiz: "What kind of eyes do you have? (with pictures)"

Turquoise
You have turquoise eyes. Turquoise is the color of communication. Your eyes symbolize your intuitive nature. You can be over-analytical sometimes, possibly fussy and egocentric. You have the tendency to push your heart out of the way and let logic make your decisions. You are not shy, but you can be secretive, closed, confused about what you want, and maybe a bit sneaky and paranoid at times. Some words to describe you: cool, refreshing, imaginative, motivated, dynamitic, calm, peaceful, joyful, relaxed, truthful, healing, meditation, tranquility, forgiving, patient, sleepy, and day-dreamer.

It is interesting to note how online quizzes and tests are making their rounds once it appears on someone's blog ONCE, not to mention the exchanges going on discreetly and unassumingly. Wahahaha...

I thought this particular quiz was quite accurate, never mind that it was written unscientifically by someone untrained. So I am both sneaky and truthful... Haha. What do you make of that?

I am doing this because A tagged me to do so. For the life of moi I cannot recall any other friends who likes reading; ok maybe one or two...

Here's the Literari Baton/Bacon

1) Total Number of Books You Own:
Not including my school texts (which I still keep) I think I have about 12 boxes. Yep, 12.


2) The Last Book You've Bought:
Haha, just bought one yesterday, 'The Marriage Bed', by Regina McBride. Cost me $16.75 from TIMES.

3) The Last Book You've Read:
Well, there are a couple of unfinished ones: for work 'Building fundraising programs to attract community support' and '1421'; and I finished 'The five people you meet in Heaven' a few months ago.

4) Five Books That Mean A Lot to Me:
1. Bible (although I have stopped reading it a long time ago; cannot answer why it still means anything)
2. Citizen Girl; by Emma McLaughlin & Nicola Kraus. (Actually the story sucks but someone who means alot to me wrote a message inside for me)
3. Perfume; by Patrick Suskind (a real piece of literary and creativity gem)
4.
5.

5) Tag Five People And Have Them Fill This Out On Their Blogs:
1. Shups! (you still drop in here?)
2. Long-ge (croak croak)
3. Huat (you read??!)
4.
5.

I do not know anyone else who reads and blogs for spot 4 and 5. Hee.

Take the quiz: "Which Greek god/goddess are you?"

Zeus
You are Zeus! Zeus was the supreme deity, King of the Gods.His wife was Hera, goddess of marriage, but he had hundreds of children with other women, mortal and immortal.He was made king of the gods when he rescued his siblings from there father Cronus who had consumed them as soon as there mother, Rhea, had given birth to them.But Rhea had hidden Zeus away until he could defeat his father.

Does this mean I have a streak of masculinity in me?

Take the quiz: "What type of Fairy are you?! The good or bad!?(pics)"

WaTeR fAiRy
You are a Water Fairy! You love doing good and sometimes you get depressed. Your friends always expect you to be happy and when your not they kind of desert you. Choose the ones who you trust wisely.

This is really telling. Haha...

Take the quiz: "What Star Wars Character Are You?"

Padme Amidala
Congratulations. You are Padme Amidala, the beautiful young senator from Naboo. You were commited to civic duty from a young age and believe in democracy for all.

Well, interestingly I also scored the same results for the following:
Count Dooku
Darth Vader
Qui-Gon Jinn
Jar Jar Binks
Admiral Ackbar

Now you know I am one complexed gal. So don't even bother trying to decipher me. Just accept me as I am.

I am writing to clarify some points here:

1) I like my job. Very much. It is the people I am working with and for that I do not like.

2) My job is not exactly the antagonist in my life. I am upset or stressed not so much because of work or even the people at work.

3) Maybe I am asking too much from others; but most times friends and family are what really get me down.

4) I guess I am too much of a perfectionist and idealist when it comes to how I would like my life and people in it to be.

I do have some plans that I am considering and working on for my career. So it is not exactly the doldrum that I am in now. Rather, due to internal or external factors, I feel more let down by friends and family. Friends mean alot to me. They are what keep me sane. But it is not judgement I am looking for from them. Not necessarily understanding either in my actions. But a respect for my choices. I do not tell you how to live your life or judge you on what you did. Why are you upset with me because I prefer to stick by my choices and decisions? Are you upset with what I did or who I am? Can you just stand by me and be my friend?

In any case, I do admit perhaps I am looking for self-assurances in the wrong places and expecting it from the wrong people. Perhaps I only need answer to myself then I will feel better and less judged and scrutinised.

Your Birthdate: January 21

Being born on the 21st day of the month (3 energy) is likely to add a good bit of vitality to your life. The energy of 3 allows you bounce back rapidly from setbacks, physical or mental. There is a restlessness in your nature, but you seem to be able to portray an easygoing, "couldn't care less" attitude. You have a natural ability to express yourself in public, and you always make a very good impression. Good with words, you excel in writing, speaking, and possibly singing. You are energetic and always a good conversationalist. You have a keen imagination, but you tend to scatter your energies and become involved with too may superficial matters. Your mind is practical and rational despite this tendency to jump about. You are affectionate and loving, but very sensitive. You are subject to rapid ups and downs.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Perhaps the best thing doing all these online quizzes and tests and then publishing them on one's blog is having someone (or thing) compile the analyses that make you who you are to your friends to help them understand you better so they can accommodate and accept the things you do and the decisions you make.

Then again, you need friends in the first place to read them and be willing to accept you as you are.

It is beginning to seem like the friends you used to hold closest and dearest to may not be able to withstand the erosion of time and work. What more distance?

Or perhaps at the end of the day it is just me...

Whatever the case, the time has come to let go of many things; I will no longer bother myself with looking for someone special, or trying to make time for friends. Because frequently I feel I am the only one bothered. Maybe one really does not need that many friends, if any at all.

I am really done at work. After this Sunday's event, I will get ready to pack up and leave. You will not be able to imagine the number of arrows I have been getting from the higher management, simply because A) they secretly disagree with one another; B) they forgot their own decisions/instructions; and C) they decisions/instructions/results were not well received by the rest and so they pretend it had nothing to do with them.

So what happens? I bear the brunt of course. Getting the blame from all over and having to explain myself endlessly repeatedly, and still having to concede it was all my fault. What bull is this?

I am very tired of being the scapegoat around the place. Why should I be the sacrificial lamb in their tussles amongst one another. If I wanted to be involved, believe me I will stand up as a member, not as a staff.

Pray I never join as member and return to haunt those cowards and pretenders.

INFP - the Healer You scored 45% I to E, 21% N to S, 47% F to T, and 52% J to P!

You are more introverted than extroverted. You are more intuitive than observant, you are more feeling based than thinking based, and you prefer to go with the flow rather than having a plan. Your type can best be summarized by the word "Healer", which belongs to the larger group of idealists. You have a capacity for caring that is deeper than most. You strive for unity, are fascinated by the battles between good and evil, and can be something of an idealist. Only 1% of the population shares your type. As a romantic partner, you are usually supprtive and nuturing, however, you have a high need for individuality. Harmony is extremely important to you as you are very affected by conflict and tension, which also makes you resist confronting your partner directly about problems. When you get angry, you usually blame yourself, rather than your partner. You can also be stubborn and unyielding when you feel you are being criticized or mistreated. You feel the most appreciated when your partner listens to you carefully. You need to be understood. You need to hear your partner express their feelings, the more often, the better. Your group summary: idealists (NF) Your type summary: INFP

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 41% on I to E You scored higher than 15% on N to S You scored higher than 71% on F to T You scored higher than 61% on J to P

Link: The LONG Scientific Personality Test written by unpretentious2 on Ok Cupid

Your EQ is 133 50 or less: Thanks for answering honestly. Now get yourself a shrink, quick! 51-70: When it comes to understanding human emotions, you'd have better luck understanding Chinese. 71-90: You've got more emotional intelligence than the average frat boy. Barely. 91-110: You're average. It's easy to predict how you'll react to things. But anyone could have guessed that. 111-130: You usually have it going on emotionally, but roadblocks tend to land you on your butt. 131-150: You are remarkable when it comes to relating with others. Only the biggest losers get under your skin. 150+: Two possibilities - you've either out "Dr. Phil-ed" Dr. Phil... or you're a dirty liar. What's Your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient)? Exactly what I thought, only the big losers cannot take what I have to say... Haha... You Are a Drama Princess (or Prince) (You are more dramatic than 50% of the population.) You're not over the top dramatic, but you have your moments. You know how to steal the spotlight... And how to act out to get your way. People around you know that you're good for a laugh. But at times, your drama gets a bit too much for everyone. Tone it down a tad, and you'll still be the center of attention. Are You a Drama Queen (or King)? Oops, was I that loud? Hee... Your Love Number is 1 You tend to be a stubborn lover, holding your ground in every argument You take your time falling in love. You aren't the type to lose perspective. You are loyal (to a fault), and you require the same loyalty in your sweetheart. At your best, you are a wise and inspiring partner - who sticks around. What Is Your Love Number? So is that a good number? You Have Fantastic Karma You are a kind, sensitive, and giving person. And all your good deeds will pay off - if they haven't already. But you're not so concerned with what you get in return anyway. You have an innate caring nature - and nothing can change that! How's Your Karma? I am not that great. I have no money to lend... You Are Very Honest You tell it like it is, no matter what. Even if the truth hurts, you'll dish it out. And while some may get hurt by your honesty... At least everyone knows where you stand! How Honest Are You? Does this say anything about my honesty and integrity? Well I suppose for those who have decided what I am then this result is no point to them. Your Life Path Number Is 22 22 The Life Path 22 is the higher of the two master number, and the most powerful of all the Life Path numbers. As such, it is also the most difficult to live up to and fulfill. The 22 individual in endowed with many powers from within and they can reach any heights in life. A truly positive Life Path 22 person, equipped with a suitable education, can be a master builder in society. An idealistic nature is grounded in practical terms, allowing you to conceive grandiose, far-reaching schemes and carry them through to the end. If you desire and are willing to work for it, you can achieve enormous success, prestige, and fame. Obviously, everyone with this Life Path does not become famous, but you may have realized early in life that you have the capacity to accomplish a great deal with relatively little effort. Several Life Path number possess special spiritual understanding, however, the 22 is unique in that this path has great understanding, but also the ability to apply knowledge in a practical way. There is purpose to your life and you view your tasks and obligations in a very emotionally controlled and determined way. Really negative 22 people are very rare. When they do show up, there power is similar to positive 22, but motivations are in a negative vein and they are very dictatorial, insensitive, and overbearing. The majority of 22 people fall into an average category who still have sufficient ability to reach great heights within their chosen fields. The ability to control emotion may help in the business world. This is a powerful Life Path, both for the material gain it can bring and for the higher good that is often achieved for mankind. What Is Your Life Path Number? This seems really insightful and accurate. Except I feel I was born a pessimist but a made optimist.Hmm... Big things my way huh... You Are Best Described By... Jeune Fille Vert By Tamara De Lempicka What Famous Work of Art Are You? Ha, at least a modern piece of work most people know... Your Love Style is Agape You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner. Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare. You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie. Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you. For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love. What's Your Love Style? Hey, if it is the most rare then I should have poeple dying to be loved by me right? Why can't I find anyone? > American Cities That Best Fit You: 80% Miami 65% Honolulu 60% San Diego 55% Austin 55% Las Vegas Which American Cities Best Fit You? Now I know where to head when I want to move out. Cool. Your Irish Name Is... Jade Daly What's your Irish Name? Something new to call me; other than 'bitch'. Haha. Your Inner European is Italian! Passionate and colorful. You show the world what culture really is. Who's Your Inner European? Well, at least here's somebody I do not mind being. I am seriously under the impression that perhaps all started with me. I was, and am, the antagonist in all my unhappy situations. That I had somehow created myself. I am sounding like a angst-filled vengeful individual who has lost all sense of reason. Maybe I have. In any case, I never asked for pity or helping hand, no one ever offered me anyway. God used to give comfort. Now? I find myself more comforting. You Have A Type A Personality A You are hyper, energetic, and always on the mood You tend to succeed at everything you attempt And if you don't succeed at first, you quickly climb your way to the top! You could be called a workaholic, but you also make time for fun As long as it's high energy and competitive, you're interested You have the perfect personality for business and atheltic success Do You Have a Type A Personality? Thursday, April 28, 2005 Sometimes I wonder why one needs friends? When I really want to talk to someone or have someone show me a little concern I cannot seem to find a 'friend' who is willing to listen. It is not even as if I am just sitting in a corner waiting for someone to call. The sad truth is even after I pick up the phone, no one is interested to listen. But if I have gossip to share perhaps things will be different then. Granted, each of us has our own lives to lead and problems to solve. But I am not asking for help. Only a listening ear. I believe I never turned anyone away when they needed a shoulder to lean on. Or maybe mine are too small for their comfort. In any case, I am beginning to think no one wants to hear what I have to say anyway. What for? They have already made up their own minds about what is up with me anyway. They do not need my verification or clarification. Never mind I never denied anything. But please note I never admitted anything either. Does this equal confession? So silence is no longer golden, but admission by default. Ha. Ok, lesson learnt. By the way, if I spoke up and said what you want to hear would you believe me? The verdict is already out is it not? Then what is the point of me defending myself? I always believed that time will tell the truth and that the innocent stands untarnished. Besides the more I tried to explain myself, the more likely one will think I am being defensive. So, perhaps it suits me fine that I work myself to oblivion and death. Just work and toil each day till I finally drop dead. Who cares? I certainly do not anymore. Therefore do not bother to ask me what is wrong. Oh! Wait, perhaps you never intended to in the first place. After all, the problem is mine not yours; you have your own to solve. Sheesh, and some wonder why I wish so much to find a partner. Desperate? Not in that sense. But it would be nice to have someone I can call whenever I feel upset and have him really care and comfort me. People always say I must have been choosy to still be single. But do they know I was actually dumped and not the other way round? If I had the mind to choose would I have made the choice I did? I must have forgotten my grey matter that day when deciding then... Know what? Fuck the world and the people around me. Then again, perhaps I am the only one reading my writing. Pathetic. Sunday, April 24, 2005 Just came home from dinner with my family and grandma at the neighbourhood coffeeshop. For some funny reason, I was almost totally quiet throughout dinner. I just sat and ate. Then on the way home in the car, I kind of snapped at my grandma for making a fuss about my brother seeing her to her doorstep. Then while waiting for my brother to get back down, my dad played this totally awful bass-thumping music in the car at a horrendous volume. And he thinks he is being cool! Argh. I almost jumped out of the car to walk home. Still wondering at my burst of grouchiness... Anyway, I promised to tell more about my work. In a nutshell, I have agreed to stay on, status-quo. Yes, I know I am stupid to agree to stay on as I am; and in a way things are as I predicted: that somehow I am automatically given the role of a leader amongst the three of us and expected to watch over the other two new staff. Yet I am not recognised as such. Why did I agree to stay on then? Believe me when I say I regretted. Almost the very next day I announced my reconsideration. I guess few will believe me when I say I am actually very soft-hearted. All it takes is some persuasive acting and honey words and I am sold. Sigh. Just the other day one of them made a blooper and I was asked why did I not check her work beforehand; the thing is what right have I to ask to see her work or double-check her work when we are all the same? Why should I be responsible for her work and actions? But silly me actually lost sleep over the issue that night, trying to think of a solution for her. On top of that I had to explain to two of the directors what happened and try to salvage the situation. Yes, I am an idiot. Although with two new staff for the department my workload now should be one-third of what it used to be, however, as this is a year of major anniversary celebrations for the Home, it only means that there are many more new projects to be planned and executed for the celebrations. Just for May alone I am to oversee two projects which both have senior ministers as the guests-of honour. One is a golf charity on the Fourth and the other is a launch for the year-long's anniversary celebrations on the Fifteenth. I am beginning to feel the heat a little as so much seems to be left to be done and so little time is left. The clock is ticking away... More overtime on the horizon. The clock seems to be ticking away for something else too. Why is it they all either come at the same time or go at the same time too? How is a girl suppose to choose and decide then? So, there are two men whom I can begin to really really like. And after a short spurt of teasing and expression of interests, (by them!) both suddenly goes all quiet. One says he is busy with two upcoming events till end of this month. But Why do I feel that he is somehow avoiding me? Oversensitive? Well, but my instincts have proven to be right most times. The other is simply keeping quiet. Guess he is busy too. Ha. I am tired of being alone. I want to be with someone. Someone whom I can see often. Someone whom I can call whenever I miss him. Someone who will ask me 'what would you like to do today?', and 'where do you want to go?'... Well, one month more to go. That was the deadline I gave myself. If love does not appear by then I will not think about it anymore for the next two years or so. I shall just concentrate on my work and career. No point hoping and waiting for something that seems no where near. Waste of time and energy-sapping. Irony of my life? I still believe God is out there somewhere. But God and I are not agreeing currently. I am never one to accept things as they are being told, I always question 'why'. Not likely to stop the questioning anytime soon. Want to ask me out? I might seem weird and out of sorts. Approach at your own risk. Ha. Saturday, April 23, 2005 Tried to e-file. Something is not right. Could not get through after a dozen times. I give up... Shall just start saving for when they call me up to pay backdated taxes... Bleah. Monday, April 18, 2005 You Are An Elm Tree You are easygoing and a pleasure to be around. Good looking, you have a pleasant shape and tasteful clothes. You demand little in others, but you tend not to forgive their mistakes. Dominant, you like to lead and enjoy making decisions for others. Overall, you are cheerful, honest, noble, generous, and funny. What is Your Celtic Horoscope? See, I do have some redeeming qualities... You May Be a Bit Borderline ... Your mood swings make a roller coaster look tame! When you're up, you're a little bit crazy... And when you're down, your whole world is crashing Scary thing is, these moods can change by the minute! What Personality Disorder Are You? Do not say you were not warned... wahahahaha.... Your Seduction Style: The Charmer You're a master at intimate conversation and verbal enticement. You seduce with words, by getting people to open up to you. By establishing this deep connection quickly, people feel under your power. And then you've got them exactly where you want them! What Is Your Seduction Style? Oops, am I revealing too much about myself here? Hehe... You Are 40% Normal (Somewhat Normal) While some of your behavior is quite normal... Other things you do are downright strange You've got a little of your freak going on But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself How Normal Are You? I never said I was normal... this just proves what I said. Ha... Which Incredibles Character Are You? brought to you by Quizilla I thought she was cool... haha... Wednesday, April 13, 2005 Something came up at work yesterday. It was really nobody's fault. Yet somehow I do feel responsible for it. Basically one of the idiots at work kept chasing one of the new girls to send out an invitation letter. And when she finally sent it out he was unhappy that he did not get to vet and approve before that. The thing was he made the poor girl so flustered and confused that she only thought to send the letter out as soon as she could. It was not exactly my fault as I could not very well ask to see her letter first (since I was not above her) and I was under the impression that the letter had been approved by someone 'upstairs'. Besides, it was not my job or responsibility in the first place. But then, I still felt so bad about the blooper that I was thinking about it the whole of last night. Haiz. Tuesday, April 12, 2005 Please just shoot me. Do not bother telling me 'I told you so'. I will barely hear that above my own sighs and moans. Why, oh why.....? *hands raised up in a loss* Friday, April 08, 2005 Is it just me or is this how the world goes? Why is it the more a man means to you the more he is likely to disappoint you? Or is it just because he means so much to you that you have higher expectations of him and thus your greater disappointments? All the deep hurts and great disappoints I have experienced all come from people who mean alot to me. Why is it that the more you treasure someone the more you will be hurt by the person? Should it not be that the person should give you only happiness and smiles? Why the pain and sadness? The world sucks. Men suck. God sometimes sucks too. Tuesday, March 29, 2005 Your Brain is 66.67% Female, 33.33% Male Your brain leans female You think with your heart, not your head Sweet and considerate, you are a giver But you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you! What Gender Is Your Brain? Phew, so much for acting 'like a man'. Haha.. Going back to bed now for another 2 hours... You Are A Good Friend You're always willing to listen Or lend a shoulder to cry on You're there through thick and thin Many people consider you their "best friend"! What Kind of Friend Are You? Eh, is that so? Cannot recall people who said that... You Belong in 1974 1974 If you scored... 1950 - 1959: You're fun loving, romantic, and more than a little innocent. See you at the drive in! 1960 - 1969: You are a free spirit with a huge heart. Love, peace, and happiness rule - oh, and drugs too. 1970 - 1979: Bold and brash, you take life by the horns. Whether you're partying or protesting, you give it your all! 1980 - 1989: Wild, over the top, and just a little bit cheesy. You're colorful at night - and successful during the day. 1990 - 1999: With you anything goes! You're grunge one day, ghetto fabulous the next. It's all good! What Year Do You Belong In? You can tell by now I cannot get back to sleep huh? Haha. 'Peace dude'?! You Will Die at Age 70 70 You're pretty average when it comes to how you live... And how you'll die as well. What Age Will You Die? What does it mean to die average? In my sleep or on a hospital bed with tubes up my nose? Anyway I always believed I would die old. You Are 25 Years Old 25 Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax. What Age Do You Act? How exciting, I am acting exactly as my age... ISABEL I is for Innocent S is for Striking A is for Articulate B is for Bold E is for Ebullient L is for Lucky What Does Your Name Mean? Any disputes? This allergy thing is driving me nuts. It is nearly five in the morning and I am woken up by swollen airways and a nose that would not stop itching. And, I had to go wash my eyes and apply eyedrops. This is really serious. I need to get out of the building. All the dust there flying around will kill me before the workload does. Wednesday, March 16, 2005 Is it wrong of me to want out? In view of everything. Now I have been made to feel bad for resigning, that I have let someone down and disappointed her. Who is she? Doreen. Sigh. But I am so tired. My hours are screwed and I feel burnt out. Should I retract my resignation? Monday, March 14, 2005 I forgot one point when I blogged the previous entry. That one of the guys will be reading it! Oops. Well, whatever. Not that I am fickle or flirtatious. Just asking a very honest question and playing my cards very openly. This is good right? At least it is known I am not playing around with either of them... Hee. Work really sucked recently. I am so disappointed with Doreen. Well, what would it take her to offer me a little increment just to keep me? It is not that I am greedy or materialistic or even playing 'I'm gonna quit' tactics to get attention. The issue here is if she were so sincere in having me remain, why did she not make that sincerity tangible? Ah, my friends have heard my rumblings so I shall end it as it is. The vice-chairman did call me today and ask why I am resigning. Said he wanted to buy me lunch. Haha. Another one of them. But I will lunch with him. Just to hear what he wants to say to me. After all, not like the first time they are trying to worm information out of me through 'generous acts' as such. Hmm... Loads about my work lately. But then, there is not much to say other than work. Not that other aspects of my life is well and dandy. More like they are too depressing to bring it up again after they have happened. For one, I am truly upset and disappointed with my family. On three separate occasions, three different groups of friends have heard about my trip to Hong Kong and Guangzhou with my parents and all have asked the same thing: 'Are you sure you are your parents' own child? You better get a DNA test.' One even told me point-blank: 'No offence but I think you need to be prepared for the day you need to move out.' How much more depressing can that get? It just tells, the way they treat me, what and how much I mean to them. Oh, I am past the age of feeling jealous and envious of my younger brother and sister. It has simply boiled down to the fact that I cannot fathom why I am getting such 'preferential' treatment from my parents. I would be a block of wood not to feel anything. But I am not, so I feel something. Sometimes when I allow myself to wallow, I feel self-pity. Sometimes I simply feel rejected. There are also times when I tried to put on a brave front and tell people I do not care for their affections anymore anyway. But hey, even if I fooled them I cannot fool myself. Rejections from employers are part of life. Rejections from crushes get dulled. But how do you live with rejection from your own family? The people who are supposed to be by your side 'no matter what happens'?! Haiz. Why think so much right? Tomorrow is another day. Another better day. Saturday, March 12, 2005 Is it considered two-timing if you like two guys and considering them at the same time? Waiting only to see who will act first. My sister said no. I thought no too. Is it fair to them? Well, they could be doing the same to me too, before confirming if it is really me they want. In this case, will I be playing fair to go up to one and ask if he likes me while the other is still making up his mind about you? Am I giving them both equal chances then? Am I being fair to myself? Am I denying myself anything here? Wednesday, March 09, 2005 It is the middle of a work day and I have absolutely no mood to work. Never mind that I have hardly done anything since this morning. Ok for one I have a heavy head. Honest. *crosses my heart* And for another, well, truth be told, the head is swimming a little with the things I am supposed to do and therefore I am at a loss as to which to do first. Lastly, well I have never done this before but here goes: I think it is PMS. Haha. Some of you might know I never blame anything on PMS BECAUSE I never get it; but now, for want of an excuse so lame to explain my laziness, so I say PMS. Hee. Late last night Doreen messaged me to say I need not attend the interviews this week and that she will talk over with me what we had discussed yesterday afternoon. About her offer to me to stay on and my query of the incentives for doing so. Well this morning she came to my room and clarified that while the Chairman gave instructions to expand the department and she wants me to stay on to guide the new staff, she was not thinking of moving me up the ranks OR getting someone above me. Meaning things are to remain status quo. 'Eh, then I stay for what ah? No incentive, no enticement leh...' So, I go. However on a positive note, she asked if I would be available to help on project basis if they so require in future, especially the near future. Hey, of course. Never turn down work offers. Talk about payment later. The important thing is to establish the network and goodwill first. That is my belief anyway. Sunday, March 06, 2005 Please.......... somebody, anybody. the next time you hear me planning a trip with my parents, PLEASE stop me. The last trip is exactly that. Last trip. Just what have I ever done to deserve what I get from them? Sheesh. Just leave me alone from now on. The trip is more torturous than enjoyable. Well in any case, I did not go for holidays. I had an agenda and I achieved it. That is all I care. Of course the trip was not all dreary. Met up with my friend in Hong Kong. 'Hey Sam! Miss me still?' Ha ha. Nice fellow. Anybody interested to know a tall, not bad-looking nice guy from Hong Kong? Kekeke... I also got to meet up with my long-time friend working in Shenzhen. He looks so different now. Sigh. And I cannot say it was for the better. Haha. The toils of working night life. On a really positive note, I received texts from my colleague while in China saying that the Chairman has given instructions to expand my department further than the one assistant I am hiring now and Doreen is supporting me to stay on. Now what I am unclear of is if I will be staying to oversee the new recruits or if they will be in the same rank as I am. Frankly if it is the latter, I have absolutely no incentive to stay on. However, if they are talking about a promotion and raise then we have some grounds for discussion now. Keeping my fingers crossed till I return to work tomorrow. Oh! By the way, Chairman praised the proposal I submitted before going off. He said it was impressive. Hee. Tuesday, February 22, 2005 It has been a long time since I last wrote anything. Just was not in the mood to say anything. In any case, judging from the low readership rate I might have been just writing for my own reading only. Ha. Whatever. Anyway, I am not in the mood to work today also. So I called in sick and was thinking about seeing a doctor about my sinus. But sleeping in made me too lethargic to do anything else. Is something bothering me? Something is always bothering me. It is a matter of how well I can push the bothersome issues away. What is bothering me? Well... Anyway, just to log a quick update: I have spoken to Doreen about leaving although I have not given a date. This is because the Management has not decided on the schedules of the various projects and if I just up and leave they will be hanging in mid-air. Spoken to the lady I was supposed to work for and decided I will come in as her partner and take care of a sleeping company she has doing events projects and expand it further to include PR and marketing services. As for the old fellow, I heard he had a heart attack last week. Haha... must be doing to much lewd fantasizing to bring it on. He called me again last week and insisted on bringing me out for dinner again. Pushed him off by saying all the projects are beginning and I am too busy to go anywhere now. Bleah. Sometimes I hate my life. Most times I just try very hard to make my life the way I want to. Therein lies the irony. The way I am working hard to make my life now is not what I really really want it to be. In fact, I never imagined that this will be my life but I guess this is how life is, always surprising you at every turn and corner. Then, there are some I just cannot bear to let go. Tuesday, January 18, 2005 Be forewarned! You are about to see images that may be disturbing to you. Any liabilities will not be entertained. Roll your eyes down at your own RISK. Kekeke... Interesting pillows. I am going to get one for my dear daddy for his birthday, and one for myself. Hahaha... For my dada... And this is for moi-hahaha.... First day of my two weeks leave! Yea! Been waiting a long time for this. Haiz, actually I have been home for the first week and most of the second week of the month too anyway; the aching back has been keeping me away from the office. But to those of you who are concerned, I am alot better now thank you! Still cannot sit for too long at one stretch and still tires easily but it is not as bad anymore. I have collected my x-ray today and will be seeing the doctor tomorrow. As far as I can tell, there is nothing serious but was asked to note some 'lipping'... What is that?!! And it is at the top of the spine, near the base of the neck and not at my lower back as expected for a fall to my bum. Hmm... Well, will know tomorrow after I have seen the doctor. OH! That perverted old man has been calling me today. On my handphone but I refused to answer. Called the office too on the pretext of work. How do I know? Because my colleagues keep messaging me to ask me things, inane issues under the pervert. Duh! The mere thought of him still makes my hair stand. Cannot help but feel repulsed by him. Well, as a brother queried: 'Is he not the sugar daddy I have been asking for?' The answer is a loud emphatic NO. Why? Because he is older than my own daddy, and really too urgh. He simply assumed I like him. Or will like/fall for him. Come on, maybe if he were to be suave as Tommy Lee Jones or even Robert De Niro. Even even Patrick Tse... But he is just a perverted sick old man who is not even hesitant to let me know of his many 'amours'. YUCK! Frankly, I am not against going out with an older man; but up to 10-15 years is the maximum. Why in the world would I want to go out with a grandfather? Duh-duh! Anyway, while I lament my lack of choices on one hand, I do know very well it is only because I am not going out to meet people. Haha. Nowadays, I head straight home after work and am too lazy to go out on weekends. How to meet anybody? I do not even get to see my next-door neighbours. Sheesh. Haha. And I am also beginning to realist that this could very well be the year that I start getting match-made to/by. Whatever. Everywhere I go if people know I am single the next question will be: 'Shall I introduce you to someone?' Do people really know so many others who need help meeting potentials?! Have I reached the stage where I need help already? Nah. I refuse to bow to pressure. I give my self till 35 before I panic. That gives me another 10 years and 3 days to motherhood stress. Yep. Me turning 25 in a few days more. Happy birthday to moi self in advance. I love myself more each year. Hee. Friday, January 14, 2005 The back was aching badly the last two days. Decided I should go see my GP and get a referral. What a great difference in the consultation compared to the ones I got from the polyclinic doctors. I went twice to two differnt polyclinics and I have only one conclusion: go to them only if you are not dying or in serious conditions. I was barely in the room for five minutes on both occasions before they declared me fine, and this was even before they asked me how I fell or when and how do I feel. In contrast, my GP asked me questions about the kind of aches I am getting and where and how long has it been, ON TOP of giving me a thorough body check-up. In the end, even though she concluded I might not have broken anything but because of the persistent aches after two weeks she will still send me for an x-ray. Is this not what responsible medical consultation is about? Of course, there might be some people out there who think that I am expecting the royal treatment for my measly payment. I prefer to insist that this is only professionalism at work. Anyway, I do not think I will die or be paralysed from this unfortunate fall. But I seriously believe that I will have to pay heavily for it when I am old if I do not take care of it now. Hey! How to go backpacking with a charming young boy then if I am confined to the bed by my old bones?! Haha. Well, it is only the second week and fourteenth day of the new year and I have spent most of it on bed already. Never mind that I had some REALLY disturbing things happening to me this past week too. Nothing short of a rude shock. In fact, it happened so subtlely and so smoothly I did not have time to react the way I should have. And for that, I am thoroughly disappointed in myself. I just hope that by 'disappearing' for some time my message will somehow get across to the person. Like a close friend said, 'he was too smooth and an old hand at what he was doing. You had no way of fighting it at that point'. Hmm, right. Anyway, I have a speech prepared now for if and when he does call again. And I will spare all the niceties. Unnecessary to someone wily like he is. Horrid man. Okay, I got to go for my x-ray now. Sitting too long in front of the screen already. Tuesday, January 04, 2005 Ha... The agony of not being able to sit up straight and long. The back cries out in aching agony after the first five minutes. Anyway, I had wanted to write about my gym regime ever since I signed up. Amazingly, I perservered enough for me to say I AM quite proud of myself. It has been fun going to the gym, whether with my brother or for my training sessions. I guess deep down inside I always knew I was a gym chick, haha, just that I was not comfortable in an unfamiliar territory. There was a hiatus for two months when I was really swamped with work and then illness but I was glad I got back into reasonable shape quite fast, although I had become quite weak then... Sadly my trainer has left. Sigh. Always let down by personal trainers, all puns and innuendoes intended. Haha. Well, anyway last I heard from my trainer, all the rest of his colleagues wanted to know if I had any sessions left that they could take over. Haha. Fat chance. I finished mine long ago, my last few sessions were my mum's. In any case, I guess even if I did not sign up with any other trainer they would not mind giving me a 'helping hand' now and then when they see me in the gym. Only thing is I doubt I would be going for a week or two now... Got to go, back is beginning to ache. Monday, January 03, 2005 Well well, I fell down four steps on the stairs on the first day of the new year. More like slipped on the first step and bounced my way uncontrollably down the rest. A little like Tigger as I related to a friend. Haha. Yea, bum hurts. Followed by the rest of the back because of the impact. Followed by a headache. I went to a Chinese doctor for 'tui na' and the truth is I teared. Almost on the verge of crying too. I hurt the entire length of my back, down to my bum. Ouch! And so I spent today resting in bed. The sinseh said it will be a tricky recovery and it will not be so easy. So here goes... I messaged my ED, Doreen and she lamented on my behalf what a thing to happen to me on new year. But my retort was that with the worst luck on the first day of the new year, I can probably look forward to a great year ahead henceforth. She commented that it was good I was so positive. Well, bum hurts like hell and the back aches like mad but I can be positive about it and have a good laugh and good year or lament non-stop and make myself downright miserable while recuperating all alone at home and for the rest of the year, cursing and swearing and blaming the fall for my unhappiness. Nah, I will not live thus! Ok, another day lying in bed tomorrow. Typing this is killing my back already... Thursday, December 30, 2004 Frankly if you ask me, the majority of deaths happened in some of the most populous AND poorest places in the world. Never mind that making a living is hard for them. Living itself has no meaning other than to prolong your existence on earth; what kind of life is this? They are, honestly speaking, better off dead. At least they are no longer hungry, suffering and poor. If you take a step back and look at things from a slightly different angle, it is simply nature's way of evolving. Simple rules of ecology as a friend pointed out. To me, this event only points out one very stark and true fact: Nature can and will never be tamed. Man can come up with the most fabulous machine to conquer the seas, the skies and even outer space, in their most feeble and naive attempts. But Mother Nature is not one to be lorded over by Man. Arrogant beings that we are. Man has not learnt to respect her. They continue to persist and insist on depleting the richness that she has provided for our simple subsistence, continue to claim ownership over her creatures and lands, and this is what happens when she gets fed up. Remember the movie 'Day After Tomorrow'? Well, it warns of what will happen when global warming gets to a point where it is more than an inconvenience of having to stay home in a freak snowstorm. Stop and think and know that this latest tsunami epidemic is a VERY real example of what it will be like when the issues raised in the movie finally becomes another fact in history. Yes it is sad that lives are lost this way. But even more lives are lost daily to diseases, illnesses and accidents that we could have prevented too. Do they deserve to die any more? Well, maybe only those that persist in unsafe and irresponsible sex. Wednesday, December 29, 2004 It is 5am (!) on a cold rainy morning. Argh! Yawn... Watching an ancient rerun of one of the Qiong Yao series - 'Wang Fu Ya' (which literally means husband-gazing cliff). Anybody has any recollections? I used to luurrrve this show because I thought the male lead was handsome. I still think so but now the show seems so juvenile to me. Haha... the pains of growing up, you begin to find things you once loved 'juvenile'!!! Went on a tour of all my friends' blogs before writing my own. 'Eat grass' and 'mooo'? Hahaha... 'Quitting work because of underpayment?' Sounds good. 'Watching animations (note it is not considered cartoons when it is meant for adult viewing. Haha.) till 4am in the morning?!' Well, I am blogging at 5am in the morning... Realised I was the only one left to not have updated in a long while, especially considering how I used to be the one with the daily reads. Ha, some friends commented my blogs were like the dailies themselves, always a good distracting read during lunch. Well, just goes to show how busy I have been at work, never mind life because I hardly had one. Anyway a brief (I will try to be brief but it HAS been some time, long time) summary of what has been up: Work Front My nightmare from hell seems to be over as that horrible woman finishes her term in a couple of days and has been consistently displaying signs of non-interest in renewing her term or continuing her service. Heck, she does not even seem to be interested in her pet project anymore - the quarterly newsletter for the Home. So it seems like good news... But I am going to keep my fingers AND toes crossed until it is official. And finally! I am seeing some recognition for my hard work! In the first place I AM underpaid for my work as it is, but getting two months' bonus and a pay raise certainly makes me happy. I am easily contented. Haha. I still get a lot less than many of my friends, despite having worked longer than most of them. But I guess overall I had a more interesting career path and choices than most people I know. Comes packed with a heavy dose of experience and networking contacts as well. I am happy. Honest. Of course, a little more money never did hurt anyone. Hee... However, I had actually just decided I wanted to leave the job by May next year to pursue some other offers put up to me, which are pretty attractive. Considering that the proposer is a lady, with a family, I can safely strike out the possibility that it is because of a 'personal interest' in me that sparked this offer. Hehe... Back to my story... Basically this lady is another one of the directors from the Home's board. We have worked very well together on several projects throughout this year and she has kept commending me on my work and expressing her interest in me working for her should I ever decide to leave the Home. She is very nice to me and has brought up this proposal many times before. In a nutshell, I can choose whether I want to work for her as her staff and develop her current business of design production, OR, be her partner in new business ventures. She will come up with the capital and provide the infrastructures. I will be given a stake in the business and the option to top up if and when I am ready to do so. And I can choose whatever venture I want to do! Cool is it not?!!! Where on earth can you get a similar deal? I had dinner with her last night and questioned her faith and confidence in me and all she said was the important thing is for me to know what I want to do. To her, it is just another business investment and she has nothing to lose anyway since she has a core business to fall back on. (Not to mention a well-off husband, who also happens to be a partner in a printing firm, kekeke) Luckily for me, the few business ideas I had in mind for myself struck her interests too. A couple were even what she herself had thought of doing but never had the resources to. I just find this all so unbelieveable and just too good to miss. As my dear sister pointed out to me, it is a win-win situation for me as I have absolutely no risk. I do not have to come up with any money and it will just be like working for another employer. If at the end of the day it does not work out, I can simply start all over again with another employer. Sounds too good to be true?! It sure is. There is not even any catch to go with this, like I have to marry her son or what... Haha. I am SOOO... tempted. Only snag out of the blue? When I was handed the letter informing my raise the other day, my Executive Director told me that everyone is quite pleased with me and she has received no complaints so far and that it seems I am on my way 'up, up, up', to quote her exact words. She also said to me not to worry as she will take care of me. Haha... So how? Will it seem like I am biting the hand that feeds me when I go to tell her of my intention to leave? Sigh. Anyway, before my last day, I will make sure that the department is up and running on its own, AS a department and not a one-man show like it is now. I will also not leave until the Home has its anniversary dinner celebration. It turns 25 next year. Just like me! Yeah!. Maybe that is why I do feel for the place, we have so much in common! Haha... I meant that in jest, before any of you starts to jibe at me for that remark. Home Front Home is quite a cool place to hang out recently too. Haha, maybe because my dad is able to keep house now according to the standards he wants, since HE is the one playing house now, he has been less demanding on my brother and I to keep up with his cleanliness standards. Which he means he no longer yells at us for not wiping this or mopping that. Which also means he leaves us alone to sleep till we want to wake and nap whenever we want to during the weekends. Bliss. (cue silly grin of contentment on face) Of course, it can simply mean that he has totally given up on us actually budging or obliging even if he continued to threaten us. Hee. We still do our share, just more lax nowadays... Ooh! I hear my mum's alarm go off! And it is almost six in the morning. Freak! Haha. Anyway, we have plans to go for a family break in January, when I can finally clear my leave! And I have sooo generously offered to pay for my sister's air ticket. I am feeling generous. Although I am still drawing peanuts, the little increment has prompted me to spread a little around for the people I love. So in case you are wondering, if you do not hear from me, please do not come asking. I do not love you enough. Hehehe.... (evil smirk) Health Front I need to go see a skin specialist fast! The itching and scratching did not subside despite the stress having defused. In fact, the recent weeks have seen it flare up woorse than it ever did before. Guess it must be a case of delayed and suppressed reaction. I am beginning to get patches on my neck and face. No good. My mum is worried I might be disfigured. I am not panicking yet but I think I will be pretty soon, especially since I see more and more patches on my body everyday. And I do mean EVERYDAY. And the sinus sometimes drives me nuts. I can wake up with a headache in the morning because my nerves were pinched in the night, due to the constricted airways, which really leaves me without the mood to go work. Or it will send me on a volley of sneezes which kinda leaves me breathless after a while. And the eternal sense of coming down with a flu because of an occasional tender throat and perpetual nasal voice is beginning to drive me crazy. I cannot sing properly now because I am not able to reach some notes, which were of no problems to me before. Argh! Double argh!! Anyway, I guess I will have to spend some percentage of my bonus on going to doctors. Sigh... This is what I slogged for, money to go to doctors for ailments self-inflicted due to insistence at overworking like a circus monkey. Haha. I want to go on but I think I shall break here. Catch some shut-eye before daybreak. Going to catch 'Phantom' in the theatre with a friend and I do not want to doze off in the cinema! More about my gym trips next. Hehe... Yes, I still very on. But sadly, my trainer will be leaving soon. Saturday, December 04, 2004 I HAD another dream last night! And boy, was this one raunchy! Hahaha... What IS the matter with me? I thought the stress period should be over by now. Well, whatever the future holds. Hahaha... Friday, December 03, 2004 Been feeling really really ti....red, even though the workload is a lot less now and I do not work crazy hours anymore. I cannot figure out why it is still so hard to get up in the morning even though I sleep a lot more hours now than previously. Some days I just feel so limp and weak physically and yet I do not feel unwell. Just very tired. Well, some nights I do feel a heavy head coming and I attribute that to my sinus problem but other than that I cannot recall anything else that makes me feel uncomfortable. Oh last night I had the weirdest dream! It was not really a nightmare but it disturbed me enough to keep me awake for almost an hour, at five in the morning! Haha, in the weird dream was Shups, Ah Huat, Ah Bao and me. We were driving along in Ah Bao's car when the weirdest thing happened. I shall not go into details because I really think it is silly but suffice to say I woke up very perturbed and wondering why the people in the dream were there and why such a irrational situation taking place. Haha... The weather has gone crazy, my body has gone crazy. Now even my dreams have turned out weird. What next? Anyway, my life is one big crazy ride anyway. Mwahahahaha... (manical laugh) Thursday, December 02, 2004 Is it me or has everyone moved on without me realising? Somehow I feel that my inner circle of friends have all drifted away from me, a phonecall is no longer as reassuring. A meeting is no longer as fulfilling. We seem to have less to talk about, and less to want to talk about. Is it simply because everyone is overworked? Or that we have all outgrown one another? The sad thing is, some actually seem happier without you and they do not bother to hide that. Well, I do wish all the best for them and only happiness to them. It is just sad when you look back and people you were once close to no longer want you in their lives. I must admit I did not try very hard either on my end; what being bogged down by work and relationships burdens. I do not think I am very good company to have around anyway and nothing much that I want to talk about without appearing offensive, cynical or offhandish. Perhaps my overtime at work have made me lose my ability to interact with others properly. Sometimes I do wish I were putting in extra hours at work. I do not know what to do when I am home early and I do not seem to be able to ask people out. My social life is almost zilch now and I am using my work as a poor compensation. Sunday, November 28, 2004 You Are From Neptune You are dreamy and mystical, with a natural psychic ability. You love music, poetry, dance, and (most of all) the open sea. Your soul is filled with possibilities, and your heart overflows with compassion. You can be in a room full of friendly people and feel all alone. If you don't get carried away with one idea, your spiritual nature will see you through anything. What Planet Are You From? Hee... this is fun... You Are the Enthusiast 7 You are outgoing and playful - always seeing the happy side to life. You're enthusiastic and excitable. You love anything new. Multi-talented, you do many things well... and find success easy. You prefer to keep things light with others. Opening up is hard for you. What number are you? Haha, can tell I have been surfing around Shup's blog... Kekeke... Monday, November 22, 2004 November 21st. A day that gave me many reasons to smile, as well as to hope; while putting on my guard against those I work for and with. But many things were further revealed to me in the one full day I spent in close proximity to those in authority. I only have this to say: "At the end of the day, I am only here to work and to serve the residents to bring them a better life; I am not here to prostitute myself or my capabilities, least of all my integrity. Do not think I am a pushover simply because I yield to your ceaseless demands and orders. Do not get me involved in your petty fights against one another. It is not why I am here, and less why I am still staying." On a happy note, although we did not get the targeted number of volunteers we wanted for our street sales to fundraise, we still did quite well. Therefore I conclude that had we gotten the 1000 volunteers, we would be able to hit our targeted amount definitely. Over-optimistic? Well, I prefer to think confidence helps you to walk further and achieve more than you otherwise would. As a friend gasped in surprise:" You mean you can raise so much money just by selling chopsticks? Imagine how much you could get if you sold forks and spoons and bowls." Haha, I think he was just being silly. A few days ago, a friend was trying to tell me the latest news on HIM. Well, a part of me did want to know quite badly, but the rational side of me warned that I could very possibly be affected by what I hear, definitely not what I needed just before a big fundraising event. And I do believe it is very true as on Saturday I did feel quite upset for no reason, almost depressed. Ha. Yep... Anyway, I survived everything nonetheless and I really believe I will continue to do so. Time to do a little stocktaking on other aspects of life now. Stay tuned for more details... Saturday, November 20, 2004 Hey! This is not accurate at all! What does it mean I am dim? Huff! Do not try this test. I repeat: DO NOT TRY THE TEST! Monday, November 15, 2004 I am loving my new haircut so much! For some reasons, I feel so liberated by its new length, or lack of. It seems that all my weariness, unhappiness, frustrations, unexplained helplessness were all shorn away when the scissors went snip! snip! Liberation! Freedom! I think I will keep this hairstyle for quite a while. I was getting a little sick of my old length and styles. Maybe some gold streaks next! Haha. My new haircut! I LURRVVVE IT!!!   Thursday, November 11, 2004 I am having a GREAT Deepavali! Haha. Slept in late, had pancakes for breakfast, bummed in bed somemore. Showered. Dozed off with a mask on my face. Had lunched. Dozed somemore. Watch TV. Lots of Indian TV. Haiz.... Such is life. For the very first time in my life! Haha... Such decadence. Bliss. *wink* Sunday, November 07, 2004 The dinner is finally over, and so is my nightmare. For the time being. One would not be able to imagine or believe the amount of stress and unreasonable demands and abuses I have been under. I did a calculation yesterday and realised I did 6 weeks worth of work in under a month. How did I accomplish that? Well, basically I worked for more than 10 hours on average, and over 20 hours the last week. Crazy? Yea, I know. And why did I say my nightmare is over only for the time being? Well, to put it simply it is because there will always be projects on to do and as long as the abominable lady continues her term in the board next year, the chances of working under her again is very high and that will mean a whole year to repeat itself next year. Argh! Yeh... Haiz. Well, as I was telling my colleague cum classmate basically that woman is alright. She just has a very nasty temper and a very big insecurity and low self-esteem problem. She can be nice to people but she chose to be mean to me, and she makes it very personal. I have been trying to recollect if I have offended her but I really cannot recall. Besides I seldom antagonise someone if I am not provoked first. Ha. Hopefully when and if I no longer have to work with her she will be much more pleasant to be around. Not blogged for a long time. Need some time to get back the momentum. Haha. Stay tuned! Sunday, October 24, 2004 It has been a crazy couple of weeks for me, work was really hectic and the schedule gone all nuts. My health is suffering too. Not to mention my poor purse in footing those medical bills. Sigh. But, I was enlightened in a moment of casual browsing at the bookstore: I am only as stressed as I allow myself to be. I cannot change the environment or other people's actions towards me, but I can change my reaction towards them. Therefore, I will no longer allow that crazy bitch to get me down anymore. I will do what I can within reasonable limits and only if I choose to do so. With regards to all her unreasonable and tyrannical demands I shall tell her I am not able to oblige, she can either change her demands or change the worker. Ha. Not had much time or mood for anything else. Dates? Bah. Gatherings? Erm... Shopping? Sigh. Well, you get the drift... Thursday, October 14, 2004 I am beginning to think perhaps I brought upon myself the mountains of work; because I spoil those people by obliging them with whatever they want, never mind the hours at which they request the work. For example, we were at a meeting just now and it was a good hour after my OFFICIAL working hours. The project chairman requested that I finish some work 'by tonight'. And all I could muster was 'of course'. Ha. Fat hope. Because all I wanted to do this week was to go home early! I was not even for going home on time, just early enough for me to have some chit-chat time with my family members before I zonk out into oblivion. Of course, I did pack the work home and convinced myself I will finish it at home. But, knowing me very well, I knew of course the work will never get done once I hit home. Just like schooldays; my homework NEVER gets done at home, only in school. I cannot explain why I just know I am never in the mood to do work at home. Perhaps it is a good thing anyway. At least I get some sort of reprieve somewhere. I know, sometimes I still do work at home but that would be a situation where the work REALLY needs to get done. Well, at least now I know why I am in this predicament. I am too obliging. Too capable. Haha, ok. I was just trying to feel good with that one... But I AM good! HA. Tuesday, October 12, 2004 Well, judging from responses from all quarters over the past few days, no one seems favourable of me being soft-hearted on HIM, except for my sister... Haha. I cannot help it if I have a soft spot for HIM, now can I? Yet the whole affair is crazy. Not to mention it could not have come at a worse time, the present being that wretched woman tormenting me at work. Tonight was another rough night. Haiz. Sunday, October 10, 2004 The last few days, in quiet moments to myself, I find myself in the urge to cry. A sense of lost and helplessness I have not felt for a while. And this feeling is back after months of fighting back loneliness and grief, just when I have begun to find meaning in what I do again, with my total absorption in work. Why did HE not come back two months earlier, when I was still holding out for HIM? Why did HE choose to come back into my life at this point, now that I have just begun to put the past behind and look forward to new things coming my way? When I have just decided that I will no longer move in HIS shadows? It is killing me inside. Can anyone see my hurt and dilemma and confusion? Can anyone understand now why I feel angry at God? Why I feel He is playing a joke on me? At my expense? First He gives me a guy, then He takes him away. And now He is returning him back to me when I have given up hope of ever being with him again. Oh God, just what do you want from me? What is the meaning behind all these? Of course it is easy to say since I have decided to move on, HIS return should bear no effect on me anymore, but are things really that straightforward? Can we humans really be so single-minded? What happens to all the vows I have made for us, between us? Does it no longer hold? Is this not what I had been wishing for? Why am I in a dilemma then? Whether or not there is another man in the picture is not so much the issue. Rather it is IF I still want to be with HIM. And honestly, I really have no idea. I really have no answer to that. I do not know what I want. Not anymore... I really do not know what to do... 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