Ever felt that life can be so meaningless sometimes? That whatever you do, no matter how good, makes little difference to anything but your ego. Everything is meaningless. Who you love, how deep you love, what work you do, how much you earn, nothing means anything to anybody but your own inflated ago.

Sometimes it's a little awakening to realise that someone you used to love very deeply, or something that used to mean very much to you, can suddenly lose all that intensity of emotions. And suddenly can come overnight, or in a split second.

I am getting numbed to getting hurt or feeling loved. Nothing excites me anymore and I don't care anymore about anything or anybody. Nothing that I look forward to anymore. Each day is just another 24hours to live through.

But I am starting to feel more loath and anger than ever. Towards all the people and things that I used to hold close and dear.

I am beginning to believe that being in love is too much of a hassle and pain. Not pain in the butt pain. But pain in the heart ache.

Maybe I am getting cynical. Or just tired of waiting and wondering.

Besides, the lack of dates; proper, legitimate, qualified dates, have made me start thinking and imagining what a bother it is to get to know someone all over again, put yourself out there to be tested and hurt and involved all over again. And at the end it might not account to anything.

Bother! Maybe as a friend said, if and when I get rich, I'll start keeping toyboys. Haha. It's beginning to sound quite enticing. Especially as one starts sliding down the wrong side of 30.

This was taken two years ago in 2006.

This was taken recently, 17 Oct 2008

I thought I looked older in the first picture. What do you think?

How do you judge self-worth? I think often people judge it by the number of friends you have, the kind of career you have, and the love and support you get from your family.

Some may say self-worth comes from within and is hard to quantify. You just have to love yourself to have it. Others will say you just have it, it's only recognising you have it and embracing it.

Sometimes, I think it is about how willing people are to fight for you and care for you, to determine if you are worth anything.

That is so sad.

Because while you may have people caring for you, in varying degrees, you may not have anyone willing to fight for you. Because you are not worth it.

My phone rang early this morning, on the new line I installed in my room.

In my sleepy haze my mind went to one person: grandma. Before she learnt to dial us on our mobiles, my phone at home will always ring early in the morning. Almost daily grandma will call to remind us one thing, or to instruct us another. The timing was to catch us before we left the house for the day.

It has been over 6 months now but I still miss her. Sometimes more terribly than usual. Mostly at nights before my eyes close. I miss her for the times we had and the love she gave. And I miss her for the things I did not get to do for her, with her.

Grandma has always been my most favourite and most loved person, and this has not changed.

I am suspicious of people being nice to me, always have. Ever since I was young and especially during the teen years. Whenever someone was nice to me, especially a guy, I will question why. Both directly at the person and inwardly at myself. I never could 100% trust that someone was being nice to me for no reason. Even when I was in love. I would always ask why I was loved. How I must have tortured my ex. Haha...

That does not mean I cannot be or am not nice to be simply because I am sincere and altruistic. That is another entry for another day.

In my life, I only ever felt really secure in the love of my grandma. She was the only one I believe truly love me for me.

我的外婆 – 陈赛玉女士

1926-2008

我对外婆的见证

我一出世就由外婆带，一直到十一岁才回家住，和外婆的感情最亲。

小时上学或温习功课都是外婆陪伴着，生病了也是外婆照顾。记得小学时需要写作文，题目是《我的妈妈》。老师给的比方都是母亲如何为孩子；做早餐、教功课、带上学等，可是对我来说，这些事都是我外婆做的。每晚和我同床的也是外婆。我告诉老师我想写的是《我的外婆》。外婆对我的疼爱和关怀是无微不至的。

外婆一生过得很平凡，是个知足、节省、朴素的人。一生最怕和讨厌麻烦到别人，也从来只有早到没有迟到。外婆的节省不是吝啬，虽然家里和自己用的都不喜欢浪费，可以再用的东西从不乱丢，但是只要是家里人或小孩需要或要求的她从不拒绝，对姐弟妹的孩子和孙子也不小气。

外婆也很好学、努力。她只念了五年小学，后来都是自修的，直到有资格当老师。后来她带孙子时也仍然跟着他们一同学习。小时候的英文听写都是她教的。学读音以自己的拼音来学，不断地问词义。

她更是不爱说是非、好管闲事，但是她把所有的关心放在心里，从不唠叨子孙。她曾很开明地对我说过：选对象不要第一个就决定，也不要只跟一个交往。要多看、多挑。宁可不要也不要委屈或随便。她坚信和支持现代女性的独立、坚强和能力足够单行一生。

外婆很可爱。最喜欢听周华健和费玉清的歌，心目中的偶像是孙中山和蒋介石。从小到大就听她说这两位对创立新中国的贡献。

虽然做人难免偏爱但她为人妈妈和祖母都不偏心；所有子孙她都同样地疼爱，不管是内孙还是外孙。所以筱琪、仲涛、曦文、莹莹、永皓、倩馨和宇轩：奶奶和外婆都很爱你们的。你们的快乐和平安就是她最大的安慰和成就。她的爱和付出没有要求回报，只希望你们都知道。

最后，我要说上帝很爱外婆，没有让她长痛受苦。所以我们也应该以怀念和感恩的心，送我外婆回到她的天家去，与上帝和我外公重逢。

外婆是个很坚强、独立和能干的女性。所以她也选择在3月8号，国际妇女节，离开我们。希望大家以后想起她时都记得她对家人亲戚的付出和无私，还有她的坚强和勇敢的精神。

My grandma has passed on for over a month yet I cannot stop grieving whenever I think of her. It hurts so much to have someone you care so deeply for and someone who cared so wholeheartedly for you, taken from you so suddenly.

Although there are still many around who loves and cares very much for me, none will ever compare to the selfless love and concern my grandma had for me. Even to the very last.

I have stopped mourning. But I will always grieve the lost of my beloved grandma.

It is the new year and I do not feel joy or excitement of any kind. I am rather stressed instead. Not because of any subtle or overt hints I may get because of my single status. (In fact, I do not get that very much in my family. All the elders know better than to ask, from experience. I am just a beneficiary of those who had to go through it much earlier) But because of any pretences or obligations thrust my way at this time. And I find it so hard to say no to elders who have requests of me. Even to matters I would really rather not handle. Thus I end up all stressed and upset. Having been stressed since last Friday when an old aunt made me promise her that I will make an effort to make amends with a relative, I was afraid that I will have an outburst at being forced to make good my promise. And I was right.

Just before dinner started, the old aunt quickly came towards me and asked if I had greeted that relative. When I said no she proceeded to drag me towards said relative and this was when I really lost my cool and just blurted out to her to stop forcing me.

Great, now I feel bad about being rude to an elderly because I refused to be polite to another.

I may seem stubborn and childish and petty. But who will even make an attempt to understand why I say the things I said and do the things I did? It is easy for one to try and persuade another to do good. But how often does that person first try to understand the feelings behind the actions in the first place. Heck, I know alot of big morals and valid reasons myself why I should be forgiving. But things are seldom so easy to understand or explain.

I really do not enjoy festivities where families gather nowadays. So many obligations to others and so many masks to put on.

When do I feel most lonely? When I am most surrounded by family.

Life will be so much happier if we can learn to live only in anticipation and never in expectation.

2004 started on a really sad note, and continued on for half the year. But the ending was really sweet. Makes me believe that because of the bitter the sweet is sweeter.





2005 was a good year. Despite me slipping off the steps on the first day of the new year, and laying in bed for two weeks after that. Many new things came my way and it was like a fresh beginning for me to really embark on my journey of self-discovery.





2006 was a year of hard work. Very hard work. Sometimes I wonder what for. The work does not make me happy sometimes. I began to feel frustrated and caught like an animal in a cage.





2007 was a year of challenges, self-discovery and courageous actions. I cannot say it was all smooth sailing, but it has certainly been very eye-opening, and most times exciting.





I have a feeling 2008 is going to be a year of hopes, and dreams coming true.





Life is not always happy and certainly never fair. But it only makes the victories so much sweeter.

I am feeling frustrated lately. Really upset.

Yet I have no voice to speak up and no one to listen to. To be honest, even if I did I doubt I would know what to say.

Sometimes I feel like crying. But no tears come.

No tears, no relief. No peace.

Yes. I have alot of strong opinions, but most times they are just an expression of what I think. I never ask that they be accepted or be regarded as the gospel truth. It does not mean that I want to pick a fight or change everyone's minds to think like me.

Sometimes the things I say gets taken the wrong way and the stuff I write does not quite reflect the whole picture.

Life is sometimes so strange. God works things in His own manner and timings.

You read my previous entry saying how I am now feeling so relieved because I have finally let go of all my hurt and anger and frustrations and expectations and hopes.

That was true, but somehow along the way together with my relief, I seemed to have detected some backing down from my family. I do not know if I am right to say it is guilt or regret they are feeling but somehow it seems so, especially coming from my mother. I sense this effort on her part to 'normalise' things with me.

Which of course I am not giving in so easily or stepping down so fast. Not because I enjoy making them miserable or having the upper hand. But because if I backed down so soon things will be back to square one again. This time, I really want to put an end to this vicious cycle, one way or the other. I do not want to live like a second-citizen in my own home anymore. Really, if I cannot change you, I will leave you. That is how I want to live my life from now on if I am to have the peace in my heart I long for.

And today, out of the blue, I received an apology from my sister for having been nasty to me when she could have been nice. Again I am not out to make things difficult for her, but I do want her to realise the severity and sad plight of things.

It takes two to clap, I cannot want something on my own when it involves so many people. But if others do not want the same things I do, then what is the point in forcing it?

I am beginning to feel lighter in my heart. It seems as if overnight a heavy load was taken off. But the funny thing is, nothing happened. Only a revelation of sorts.

I asked a friend today if it was because my heart was hardening. But he replied it was more because I was getting numbed. However, I think what really took place was that I have finally let go. Of my hurt, indignity, pain, sadness, exasperation, frustration. Everything. And it was like nothing you do can hurt me anymore than I already was. But there it is, was. I will no longer allow myself to be hurt by people who do not care any more about me than the stranger in the street.

And it is not even about being petty. This is so way beyond pettiness.

But now, I am happy. :)

Few of you know of my struggles and pain. And even fewer saw my tears and wounds. Most will not be able to understand.

But I have dried my tears, washed my face and cleaned my wounds. All on my own.

I am ready to face the world. My world. As I want to live.

Love has got to be told often and shown more.



Stop telling people: "It's understood what." Or "You should know lah."



It is not about what should be common knowledge, but rather about what is expressed.



Yeah, parents should be loving and caring to the children regardless. Yet how many cases of abuse can we find in the papers every day? Abuse is more than just physical. Many times, mental and emotional abuse are harder to take and longer to heal.



Right now, it really feels like too little too late.

The controversial global music concert is finally over. Frankly, having watched bits and pieces of the entire programme over the 24hour period, the only times I saw any relation or reminder made to the environment crisis were the concerts in New York and New Jersey where Al Gore himself turned up. And then there was that band performing in Tokyo who pledged their support.

It would have been more of a concert on enviromental issues if more were shared on what every individual can do on a daily basis and the performers were sharing alot more on what their pet causes are and what way they are making a difference.

Disappointing show for all the hype it generated. Not to mention the tonnes of rubbish generated by those concert-goers. Really shameful. Seems like once more the Japanese were the only conscientious ones.

Waste of money, waste of resources, waste of time. All adding on to an already polluted and burdened earth.

Okay, so that day I had to leave before my dumplings were cooked. Just as well. Learnt later on it came out swimming in the water. I did not wrap it well enough. Haha. Save me the embarressment of being present when they fished it out.

Anyway, last Saturday after the lesson in making dumplings I went to a friend's wedding. It was a friend from my secondary school; but we only got better acquainted this year, after 'reuniting' last year. He is now my business partner. Along with another guy.

So what I wanted to say was at the wedding I saw some people I have not seen since graduation. Some looked totally different. Some hardly changed. Of those who did looked different, two stood out particularly starkingly. Both guys. One looked not too bad in school but I think work totally ravaged him. The other one, hmm, let us just say he got better with passing time. Haha.

Time really does unpredictable things to people. Those whom you were once close with may drift apart as time goes by. Some you were never close with in the past suddenly becomes your new best pal. Just as there are some wistfulness with the loss of old chums, I suppose there are excitement and new energy coming along with new pals.

To friends I have drifted apart from over the years, all the best and God bless in your future. To the new friends I have made, may we build many more beautiful memories of our friendship in the coming years.

The Dumplings Festival will be here next Tuesday. Or some call it the Dragon Boat Festival. So today, I made dumplings! Heehee...

I made like.. 8? Of the peanuts filling variety. This is supposedly the traditional filling favoured by those of the Hock Chew Dialect. Its natural peanut fragrance is enhanced when you drizzle sugar syrup on it. Quite yummy for those who likes food simple and non-oily. But I had to leave before it was cooked. So if it did not turn out well, well... I got my godma to claim credit for it. Kekeke... Hope the dumplings did not come apart during cooking.

Give me a chance, it was only my first lesson. But I think I only need more practice. Next year, I'll be giving away to those who dare try. Any one wants to put his or her name down first? Haha...

Men.

Those you want not are always clamouring for your attention.

Those whose attention you want have no eyes or time for you.

Is it just me or are all the girls out there experiencing the same thing? Haha...

Seriously, is it so hard for the men to just purely be friends with you? I am getting really irritated and tired of having to be diplomatic yet not hurt them. Why is it subtle hints are not getting into their heads. Yet when you spell it out clearly to them they claim you are cruel. Worse, that you had been leading them on all these time.

It is so difficult to remain friends if they cannot accept that it will not go beyond that. I want to state that unlike most girls, I do not play mind games with the men. I tell all upfront or behave likewise that I have no interest in them beyond being friends. So I cannot be faulted as toying with them. I do no such things.

Does anyone have any idea or a good suggestion what a girl is to do in situations like this?

I opened my internet explorer to search something online. But the moment the window opens up, I forgot what I wanted to search for. That was about an hour ago.

So I did some online tests. Apparently Arians suit me well. Any Arians out there looking for an Aquarian?

Haha.. And hungry.

Well, I am finally officially registered.

Should I print 'Towkay Neo' on my card?

Haha.

Crazy times. Crazier emotions. Craziest dreams.

Is it just me or is it me?

I just feel so tired at everything. Everyone. Have I set a standard so high on people around me that I feel just so let down? Or am I just making things miserable for myself and the people around me?

What went on the past few years? Did I drive myslf down a dead end or did I miss the signs alon the way? Did I refuse to let others hitch a ride or I just prefer to walk alone?

Have I been making the wrong choices and decisions? Have I been wrong in my thoughts and ways?

I just want to stop and find rest and peace.

I did not find that in church. I lost that with God. People have been telling me to go back to church and to go back to God. To not put faith in people. But they cannot understand the loss of faith and peace I once had in God and church. If I cannot have faith in people and I cannot find faith in God, where then do I turn?

Can anyone understand me or what I am trying to say? I have been misunderstood so often and my words so misconstrued that I really do not want and cannot be bothered to explain anything.

Sometimes I just want to lay in bed all day and stare up the ceiling till I float away and disappear.

Have you ever laughed while watching tv but inside your heart is aching?

I really do not know if I had done the right thing or not. Should I have exploded? Should I have left? Should I have returned?

Imagine being a stranger in your own home.

Last night they came home to no dinner. And though they were not happy they did not bring it up against me.

Tonight I made dinner. They ate out.

I feel like yelling and smashing things. And yet I could not bring myself to have the strength to do anything.

If I am watching tv in the living room downstairs, they will retreat to their room. If I am in my own room, they ignore my presence.

What is the point or sense in asking me back? Perhaps they never wanted me back only. Asking when I am coming is just for them to know, not cause for them to be concerned.

Other than my siblings who talk to me like normal, my mum hardly said anything to me or about the matter since I was back.

My dad just went about as if I were invisible.

And all I am waiting for is them to say the first words to me.

Now I cannot tell if I am wanted at home or just given a room to stay.

I only wanted to update my blog and I was forced to move to the new blogger! ARGH. Not happy.

Life is full of shit. Well, not my own life currently but somehow I still got stained by it. Haiz.

And some people are so funny. If you are not going to pay me on time, are you still expecting me to perform 100% or even 101%? Come on! Show me the money first. I am not a mercenary person but neither am I doing charity. You want better performance? Pay me on time!

It is one of the reasons why I quit my job. Because I was not being paid on time and on top of that being owed alot of money. If I had been able to accept that I would not have quit. Nincompoop.

I do not like or appreciate people who try to pull a fast one and try to bully or take advantage or others.

PLEASE TAKE A GOOD LOOK AT YOURSELF IN THE MIRROR EVERY MORNING.

Why do people want to fall in love so much if all that caring for someone else only brings misery upon themselves?

Why are people so eager to please another person only to bring bruises upon themselves?

What is love all about at all?

Nothing brings on as much tears to one's eyes as love does and only love can bring on so much sadness to one's heart.

Today I was given a preview of what my future holds. I was told that I will marry a rich man and have a good comfortable life in my later years. But, I will marry late.

Actually it was not the first time I was told this; that I have a face of fortune. More accurately, my nose. Actually, it made me wonder instead if I bring the guy fortune for having married me or that he is already a rich man. If it is the latter then he is probably an older guy. Heh.

Whatever.

It is Christmas eve. The dreaded time of the year is here again. Once every year always punctual. Sigh.

I do not enjoy Christmas for many reasons. Not least BECAUSE I am a Christian. But few will understand.

Bah humbug.

It was a murderous moment. I could have killed him. And I know he would have done the same. I was prepared to jump forward to slap and tear at him. I can ignore anyone who tears me down. But I find it most hurtful when he is the destructive one. I have never known or heard of any one like him. To tear your closest family down, even in front of outsiders. What kind of sick perverse delight do you derive from acts like these? It is one thing to be disapproving, and quite another to be simply spiteful.

Do not ever utter the words to chase me away. For you will just get what you wish for. I do not expect you to be encouraging or supportive. And I do not care to hear what you have to say to me either. It will do no good to my soul or spirit.

The other night a friend asked me to go to some boutique opening with him so I said ok. We got there just as it was ending, but we were given a goodies bag each anyway. Hehe. We left after about 20 minutes, for another event at MOS. A Chinese magazine's anniversary celebrations. Met alot of media people. Or rather 'saw'. Because I could hardly remember the names of those I met and I doubt they do too. Which brings me to the point of writing this down.

Media people are really a strange lot. While their jobs are about making one another look good (or bad) and digging up all the secrets they can on each other, they cannot for goodness sake's be open or personal about themselves. Everyone there was so superficial and shallow. Except for one or two ladies. Who actually bothered to really talk to me and showed genuine interest in what I say, instead of just talk AT me. I was not exactly bored at the event, but I cannot say I was entertained either. But I did get a reconfirmation of my assessment of how people turned out in the media industry and why I do not want to be a part of it. I really cannot imagine being happy working in such environments.

Some highlights of the event:
1. Met this really famous hairdresser who charges the sky for a haircut and found out he was only my height. Hehe... Now if only I can earn the kind of money he does...
2. Saw some artistes. The tv really makes one look MUCH taller. Hehe, maybe I should try getting some exposure on tv...
3. There was this auntie at the club whose top of the head only came up to my chest. Somehow, there is a strange comfort knowing I am not the only or oddest oddball in the place.

Why are the above highlights? No idea. Maybe it was because I went with a guy who is 1.8m tall and it made me somewhat self-conscious standing next to him. We had a polaroid taken but he has not scanned it in for me yet so no pictures to show.

Maybe next time.

I am weird. Wahaha...

Last night was WOW. I was photographed and I looked naked in that shot. Haha. Maybe I will post it up somewhere for show.

Then I went club-hopping. First stop was a small pub in Boat Quay but my friends had left for MOS and so that was where me and my Prez headed for. Went in via the VIP line, finished a bottle of whiskey. Relocated to Dragonfly, also no need to queue. Just walked right in. Bumped into an old pal I have not seen for years. Promised a lunch next week. Finished another bottle of whiskey.

I felt kind of out of place in both clubs honestly. Other than for the drinking, which I did not even like the choice offered, I felt funny 'dancing'. Yea right, some of you will go. But I really hate club dancing. It feels and looks stupid to me. I can dance on stage in front of hundreds of people, but I cannot dance WITH hundreds of people. And it was more like just shaking than dancing. It is not even considered free form dancing to me. Dancing means there are proper steps and movements, with or without meaning behind each move. Shaking in a club has no meaning. Other than trying to catch someone's attention to you gyrating booty. Not my kind of fun.

It has been almost a month since I have been staying home. I feel quite a sense of accomplishment actually. Washing, cooking, cleaning. It is quite me, as a friend pointed out. I must confess it is, hehe.

Ok, I did more than that. I did do what I set out to do also. Spend time with my grandmother. Only some people mistaken that I will be spending all my waking moments with her. I was not thinking quite that way. I visit her once or twice a week at her place. Sometimes more if she wants to go out. Most times she gives short notice. Like she will call:'What are you doing now? I want to do/go ______ (fill in the blanks). Are you free to go with me?' Then I have to drop whatever I am doing and just go. I am not complaining here, do not misunderstand. Just giving a picture of what things are like.

Other things I did... Had a few offers thrown my way. Some more enticing than the others. But all are interesting. Funny thing is my father thinks I cannot get a job and refuses to believe that I do have quite a market out there. Keeps throwing me names or ideas for work Cannot seem to get it into his head that I am NOT looking for jobs.

Life is good. Now if I can just find a way to top up my bank account balance.

This is really good. My stick figures never looked this good.

Stick figure drawings.

Straight to the point.

Last month she said I was childish. Last Friday she told me I was matured. The most matured of the lot in fact.

Last month she said I talked too much at work. When I kept my mouth shut this month, she asked why my face is so black at work.

And then she said my hair is messy. I cannot remember the last time someone said that and I am really guilty of being so.

Is she going to think I have ugly shoes this week?

Sometimes I just believe that when a person in power starts to treat you like this, it is your signal to go.

I am going. No sweat.

I was supposed to do it today but I called in sick. So I will do it tomorrow. In any case, I think they are not that understanding or happy about my recent sickness and leave taking. So maybe it is a good time too. Before we start pulling out each other's hair.

I know my grandmother is really happy whenever I am there for her, even if we just sit side by side not talking.

She needs me more than anybody else now.

I bought myself a gift. For all the hard work I have put in and all the upsets I had endured. I like my new toy. Maybe I will take a picture one day and post it up.

But it will be the last indulgence I give myself for a long time. I have to start being prudent and stinge alot again. Money will be tight. I will really appreciate if you ask me out for the occasional meal and movie and PAY for me.

Grandma is sick. She is not able to care for herself anymore, and nor does she bother too. I am going to take care of her. I have decided to quit my job to care for her full time.

I will not let my grandma feel that no one cares for her anymore now that she is old and sickly. I will not let her pass her days unhappy and be careless about her health anymore. I will nurse her back to health and make her days comfortable for her.

I will not let myself regret I could have done more for her.

I love my grandma.

Updates on my recent life

1. A young man asked me out to watch fireworks. Young.
2. An older man called to say he wants to ask me out. Older. Two actually.
3. A married man tried asking me out few times. Then ask why it is so difficult to date me.
4. My boss is entrusting me more than I want to be. Difficult.
5. My boss' wife is beginning to find faults with me. She hates that my boss is giving me more trust than to her.
6. A friend called me from afar. Called to hear my voice. Called to make me smile.
7. Someone said he misses me alot. A lot a lot.
8. Been travelling quite a bit for work. Tired.

That is all. Work is good, boss and his wife suck. Wahaha. I will survive another week.